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Old 09-19-2009, 06:45 PM   #1
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Default The grown one are the hardest sometimes

I got a call from my daughter, who is married and has two kids, to please come pick up her and the babies. She is crying, I ask what is wrong and she says, "please just come". So I hopped into some clothes, stuck a ballcap on my head and headed out the door. (I'm sick and haven't even taken a shower today).

Now this is the daughter who has it together pretty good. Yes, she got pregnant young and unmarried, but she and her now husband have stepped up and done amazingly well for their young years (21 and 25).

She and I were just talking yesterday about her husband. He isn't perfect, just like she isn't, but he is a great daddy and a good husband. He is so much a part of the kids day to day care it amazes me. I tell him all the time I want an older clone of him .

Anyway, they have been really struggling financially the last few months. He is a foreman on a road paving crew and she works part time. He has had his hours severely cut with the amount of rain we are having. Their kids are 7 months and 2 1/2. They got in an argument about money and his job this morning.

I get out there (they are about 15 miles north of me) and things were calm. My daughter came outside and we talked a bit. She wasn't going to leave him, just wanted to bring the kids and spend the weekend to give them both time to cool off. He didn't want her to take the kids and come here. She said she didn't know what to do.

I told her that I saw three choices, she could come and leave the kids overnight and let him have a taste of doing it alone like she does when he works nights, we could bring the kids and deal with the drama that would cause, or she could suck it up and stay home. I told her I would stand behind whichever she wanted, just to let me know what she wanted to do. I know her well enough to know she will not put up with BS she shouldn't. She is my hero in that regard .

I held her and she cried a bit, saying how hard it is and how she gets tired of fighting about the same old things. I hope I did right........ I told her that I know it sucks sometimes, sometimes really bad, but that is life. It is hard to be married, even when it is a good marriage, and it is hard to do it alone too. There is no easy way. I told her that likely there will always be times when financial and other stresses cause them to fight about the same old things and that many of the things that they get annoyed with each for are the very things that help each other in many situations.

I pulled weeds while we talked (because I am powerless over my addiction and her yard has become unmanageable) so went inside to wash my hands. Her husband was sitting on the couch with the 7 month old in his lap and he mumbled hello and hung his head. I just said hello back and sat down for a minute and had a glass of tea and talked with them as if I had just dropped in for a visit. My daughter walked me out to the car and told me how bad she felt for calling me out there when I feel so bad. I just told her it was fine, she is allowed to call her stepmama once in 3 years of marraige wanting to run away. She laughed and said she would mark her calendar and call me again in three years.

Can I just tell you that this stuff is so HARD. The mamabear in you wants to go in and give him whatfor. The mama bear did have a heart to heart the other day with her about her attitude and disposition and how her kids are reacting to it. She told me she couldn't help her attitude, I told her if she expects her son to help his attitude she had better get busy helping her own because he was feeding off of and reacting to hers.

It is hard to know the balance when they are grown up. When to stay the heck out of it and when to have a 'Come to Jesus'. When to separate yourself and be a friend and when to step in and be a mama. Phewww, I hope I did right....

Thanks for indulging my long tirade
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:53 PM   #2
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

I think you did just perfect! I think we all know that unless you are independently wealthy, that finances are the #1 area that married people have arguments about. Sad fact is that when the economy dumps, divorce rates go up.

I know that the mama bear comes out, but likely, the mama bear might have needed to unleash just a little on daughter too. Husband may not be innocent, but sounds like he is a decent guy who tries hard to provide for his family......as you and I both know, those are few and far between.

Likely, this is due to their age as well. Statistics bear out a depressing story. 80% of couples who marry before the age of 23, end in divorce. Why? Young couples do so much growing and changing, maturing, and finding themselves during this time. So, daughter needs to decide whether she is going to grow together with her man, or grow apart. I think she made the right decision to ride it out with him at home. Leaving, even for one night to "cool off" makes it so much easier to leave the next time there is an argument. Likely that cooling off for her, would have pissed him off and there would have been more arguing, not settling.
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:58 PM   #3
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

I agree Lisa, and secretly I was hoping that was the one she would choose. She made me proud.

Honestly, I never thought they would make it this long geting married so young. They are pretty solid though. they may just surprise this cynical ol' mama. The one thing I am thankful for is that Chris is a good dad and he loves his kids, and his family, above all else. Even if they don't survive growing up together, I will be very surprised if he ever ssteps down from being such a good father. heck, he even takes Mark under his wings and does things with him.

My daughter is a spitfire at times, and she knows it. That is why I unleashed on her a little earlier in the week. It needed to be said. I have to say she handled very maturely.

Just taking a deep breath.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

unfortunately, they are learning the hard way about earning a living in construction...i give him credit for being a 25 yr old foreman....that will usually allow him to work year round, rather than get laid off in the winter...but, it doesn't mean he'll get 40 hrs every week...

the hardest thing to do is get used to budgeting...especially since i'm sure that they've had a few very good years since they have been married...this is just a guess though....and sometimes it's hard to remember that construction runs in cycles...

it's one of the reasons that the divorce rate is very high in the construction industries...
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:29 PM   #5
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

Hey BD. He actually is the only foreman not on salary. He was promoted a year ago when the economy crashed. They put off putting him on salary (guaranteed year round with bonuses in lieu of overtime) because of it. He actually went to them this week and asked them about it again and told them he would like to be put back on his paver if he cannot be paid for the work he is doing. He has been there 7 years. They are taking advantage of him. He is a bit passive about it all but is finally getting fed up. Of course they are afraid because jobs are kind of scarce right now, but he has to do something, they cannot survive on what he is bringing home and I can only help them so much (which they don't like taking).

Thing is, he is a great guy and a very, very hard worker but is uneducated and not the sharpest crayon in the box, to be honest. They are working on his resume. Amanda has at least two years left in school at the rate she is now able to take classes. They will make it, they have just had to grow up really, really fast in some tough times.

I helped them develop budgets at the beginning of their marriage and they have done fairly well making it through the winter with all the extra summer OT. Problem is, he only had two OT checks this summer. We have had that much rain and you cannot pave in the rain.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:33 PM   #6
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

that does suck...glad that they at least see the reality of it...kind of a wrong place, wrong time deal....

if they want to move to NJ, i know a few large pavers around here
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:35 PM   #7
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

My daughter has always said she would love to live in NYC! Bit of a commute though.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:36 PM   #8
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

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My daughter has always said she would love to live in NYC! Bit of a commute though.
nah....only 45 mins from NYC to here:biggrin_wink:
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:38 PM   #9
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

yeah, but the cost of living would be hard to support with a paving companies pay....

Plus you better not tempt two of my grandbabies parents into moving
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:53 PM   #10
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

cost of living as a percentage is pretty equal...costs are higher, but so are wages....

plus, maybe i'm just a selfish _______
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Old 09-19-2009, 08:27 PM   #11
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

Of course you did the right thing! I so admire your grace under the worst circumstances. You feel like ____, all you probably want to do is lay there and sleep and all day long it has been something. You get a phone call and you go right over and deal with the whole situation PERFECTLY in my opinion! You are a great friend and a great Mom. Great mom in law I suspect as well.
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:20 PM   #12
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

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Originally Posted by idig View Post
I was hoping that was the one she would choose. She made me proud.
Make sure you tell her that. So she knows she made the right decision and that you support it wholeheartedly, not just because you told her you'd support whatever decision she made, but because it really was the most mature choice she possibly could have made. It will definitely help her next time something like this comes up to know that she has it in her to do the right thing and make the right choice..
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:29 PM   #13
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

Good point AM. I will do that!

---------- Post added at 09:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 PM ----------

It has bugged me all evening that I wrote about her getting pregnant young an unmarried. I don't want that taken the wrong wrong way. I don't judge her or anyone else for that. It just isn't the path I would have chosen for her at 18.

She has stepped up and I am proud of that, whether she got married or not I would have been. She just happened to be lucky enough to choose a stand up guy so young!
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:56 PM   #14
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

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Originally Posted by idig View Post
It has bugged me all evening that I wrote about her getting pregnant young an unmarried. I don't want that taken the wrong wrong way. I don't judge her or anyone else for that. It just isn't the path I would have chosen for her at 18.

She has stepped up and I am proud of that, whether she got married or not I would have been. She just happened to be lucky enough to choose a stand up guy so young!
Don't let it bug you. None of us want that for our kids. Especially those of us who have actually been there. It's not because it makes someone a bad person, but because it's so hard and such a life changing event, and we all want nothing but the best for our kids.
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Old 09-20-2009, 12:16 AM   #15
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

I also did not take that comment as judgmental. Later and life, and married, is almost always the best way to go about having a child!
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Old 09-20-2009, 12:55 AM   #16
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

Thanks, I could just see some future teen member or one of our young unwed members taking it badly. Heck I am overthinking too much, more than I normally do!!!
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Old 09-27-2009, 09:27 PM   #17
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

I don't know how I missed this thread, but I agree, you are amazing Idig!
Good job!
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Old 09-28-2009, 06:09 AM   #18
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

Quote:
Originally Posted by idig View Post
Thanks, I could just see some future teen member or one of our young unwed members taking it badly. Heck I am overthinking too much, more than I normally do!!!

Don´t worry. In my case I really did not take it personally or badly. My mother has though told me that she would have wanted me to marry first with a good man and then get pregnant. It was very hard to hear that... Like somehow I let her down. But when I got pregnant she was the first one so excited when I was very reluctant about the situation. It´s her first grand child and she adores her! And now wants more hahaha. I have an older brother (10 years between us), he has been married for 5 years and with his wife for 14 years all together. They unfortunately cannot have children... They´re in the adoption process but it takes years. That fact made me think twice about getting into abortion or not. I am glad today I had my babygirl.
There will always be people who have their opinions about mothers having children without being in a relationship but in the end what matters is how you treat and educate your children. How you´re able to provide, love them and be their shelter no matter what. Being 2 is a bonus but it should not put a shadow on the other parent who is stepping up and doing the best job he/she can to raise his/her child.
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Old 09-28-2009, 08:41 AM   #19
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Default Re: The grown one are the hardest someti

Hey Blossomed. She was terrified to tell me when she found out she was pregnant. She cried her eyes out telling me. I told her then that this wasn't the timing I would have chosen for her, but neither was it the end of the world. It would change her course but she would be fine.

I agree with you completely that stepping up to being a parent and all that entails is what it is truly about. I don't even necessarily agree that 2 parents is ideal. It depends entirely upon the individuals who are parents, IMO. But she is my little girl and I didn't want her to miss out on what she has and to have to face some things she has had to just yet. But it is also part of being a parent to realize that you have to let your kids grow up, live their own lives, have their own successes and learn their own lessons.
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