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Old 11-06-2009, 05:15 PM   #1
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Default Need some moral support on this one

Trying to do the tough love thing.

My daughter who is married, husband lost his job, etc and so on...most of you know the story.

Long story short, he was getting very few hours for quite sometime and finally lost his job. My DD works here 3 days a week filing and running errands, with her two kids in tow.

I have helped them a bit over the summer when he was getting the low hours but having salary dangled in front of him. I have always told my kids when they are doing all they can I will help them as much as I can.

Well, when SIL lost his job and started a new one the same low hour thing started happening. He now has a salaried position. BUT I told DD during this time as we worked on her budget that something supplemental was going to have to happen for them to catch up. She was given the opportunity to work more hours here, but it would mean stepping up and taking things more seriously. She halfheartedly checked into some other things. But did nothing. She stays very busy on her off days carrying friends to Dr.'s app'ts and her bio mom to things which is all very noble, but it doesn't pay the bills.

I have never been rolling in it but am a bit drained from helping them the last few months. But that isn't even the point, she has not taken initiative to do what needs to be done. I know it sucks, but it would only be for a couple of months until they catch up.

I told her today when we went over her bills that they are going to have to make up some money, with a side job or her taking another job for a couple of months. I pointed out she had opportunity her and chose not to take it. I told her that I don't mean to be a , but she has been so busy taking care of everyone else's stuff she hasn't taken care of her own, knowing this was coming.

I know I did the right thing and it is the only way she will ever learn, but it still makes me feel like .
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:23 PM   #2
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Tough love is important and you did the right thing. By continuing to help her, you are continuing to "coddle" her. That's not what she needs. ((HUGS)) for you mom! I know it is hard, but this is the best way.
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:29 PM   #3
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Your a great mom idig. You did the right thing. HUGS
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:38 PM   #4
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

It was one thing when he kept being promised salary and they were just trying to get there, but she knew this time. I know she has been terribly stressed, but she still needs to step up, the rest of us have surely had to. And she needs to know she CAN do it too...ugh this is hard.

Thanks guys.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:21 PM   #5
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

You did right! My mother is a book keeper and I wish I had learned a lesson years ago about spending and allowing others to spend. If I had I'd be in much better shape money wise.

The lesson is:
If you Out Go exceeds your Income, then your Up Keep will be you Dwon Fall.

To bad Uncle Sam still has not learned.

Helping is great, but not at the expence of the children at home and yourself.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:40 PM   #6
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Yup. It sux...but it is the most loving thing you can do. You are a GREAT Mom.

BTW, if SIL isn't getting much work, couldn't he do side jobs, like handyman type stuff?
She and the kids could help with things like raking leaves. $20.00 a day is $100 a week. Or she could do evenings as a waitress, while he is home to watch the kids....
Just sayin...
She could do babysitting, deliver newspapers...(just trying to give you ammo).
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Old 11-06-2009, 07:32 PM   #7
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

You did the right thing Idig..one of the reasons why she may not have been willing to take the extra work is that in the back of her mind she knew that she did not really have to.
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Old 11-06-2009, 07:50 PM   #8
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

SIL has a salaried position now. He has weekends off most of the time though.

He was out of town "working", watching it rain and getting paid for 20 hours a week the last few weeks. He was stuck, but he isn't anymore. Home last weekend, will be home this weekend. but I told her I would take the kids if he was out of town while she took another job.

I know I did right, but it sure helps to hear from my SFV friends. I think you are right too, in that she knew in the back of her head she didn't HAVE to do it. She also needs to know she CAN do it.
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:19 PM   #9
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

smack her in the head and tell her if she didn't want to take responsibility she shouldn't have gotten married and had kids....
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:36 PM   #10
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

You did a good thing. You´re a strong supportive woman and you want your "step"daughter to be as well right? I don´t know... This is one of the reasons why gender equality is what I mostly and whole heartedly believe in. She should be working just as much as her husband but he should just as much being taking care of the kids as well. She taking care of other´s businesses shouldn´t be in their story though? That´s one of the things I don´t like either. People taking care of others while they really only should be concentrating and taking care of themselves.

You did the right thing. Hopefully they´ll make it through. At least they have the love of each other and that is priceless!
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:38 PM   #11
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

:LOL: BD what he says.....
Don't smack her on the head .... it amy hurt your hand.
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:39 PM   #12
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

oh yeah, forgot to add, that I would very passive-aggressively let her know that you are currently helping her while her bio mom is back to taking from her and hurting her...but that's just me
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:43 PM   #13
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

BD has a way with with words....bad way, but a way.

Thanks everybody!

---------- Post added at 06:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:40 PM ----------

That was for the first comment, not the second BD. But I did tell her, "this is it babe, real life".

As for your second comment, if I say it I will come out and say it. Passive aggressive pisses me off, to be honest.

I don't need to say it, she knows it.
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Old 11-06-2009, 09:15 PM   #14
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Oh Idig, You did the right thing and I know you know that. I think Pann may be on to something here. If she knows she doesnt really have to "step up" Then maybe she doesnt really feel like she has to and so chooses not to... I think with you being firm with what you had told her, then hopefully that will be enough to make her realize.
That is so great of you to offer to watch the kids on weekends (now if only I had you here I would get you to watch C so I could work extra) Thing is, when you are financially stuck in a rut, You have to bust your balls to get out of it. Do whatever it takes even if you dont like it. I am hoping that she realizes this, and dont feel bad for saying what needed to be said. You are a great mom and sometimes, ok a lot of times being a mom is hard but we do what is right, and that is what you did
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Old 11-06-2009, 09:32 PM   #15
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Quote:
Originally Posted by idig View Post
BD has a way with with words....bad way, but a way.

Thanks everybody!

---------- Post added at 06:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:40 PM ----------

That was for the first comment, not the second BD. But I did tell her, "this is it babe, real life".

As for your second comment, if I say it I will come out and say it. Passive aggressive pisses me off, to be honest.

I don't need to say it, she knows it.

apparently I have to work on the passive-aggressive thing
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Old 11-07-2009, 02:46 AM   #16
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

im with everyone here.

-- you have to make sure your life boat keeps in good repair, other wise you all will sink.

Thus the one person, you, who can hold it together for the all, has to stay well in all matters, if you dont you wont have an option to help later.
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Old 11-07-2009, 09:31 AM   #17
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Natty, I'll watch your precious C anytime!!!

I know you guys are right, she knows I am right, but it is still hard. I know that terrible feeling when you can't pay your bills. But I also know the feeling when you find a way to pull it off on your own, and they need to do that.

I have to do a better job of taking my kids situations case by case. I tend to compare her efforts to the complete lack of effort on her big sister's part.

Her sister, K's mom, just doesn't give a ____. She takes from whoever she can and sees nothing wrong with it. It is something she used to hate in other people. IDK, it's weird. When she met and married her ex husband her way of thinking changed. He and his family are all about getting everything they can from the system - not as a help to better themselves but just cause they can. It sickens me. She actually brags when she gets stuff now and it doesn't seem to phase her when I or her grandparents she is living with point out to her that we (people who work) are who pays for her irresponsibility.

I have become almost numb to her, though I love her I cannot understand her at all anymore, but her kid(s) are what tears me apart. She knows how I feel about what she does, will even acknowledge it isn't right, but she won't change. I had her daughter almost every weekend the first year of her life, including her first Easter. K will be 4 next month and she is still always trying to get rid of her as often as she can to whomever will take her. Her great grandparents and aunt are the ones really raising her.

When N was married she left her husband every few months (and he is a POS) but would go back everytime, even once when the divorce was finalized. Each time dragging K back and forth with her. She stayed with me almost every time - but then started going to the grandparents because I was not supportive of her wanting to go out partying every single night. Her child needed mama there when she woke up, if she woke up during the night which she did while adjusting to moving back and forth.

Now N is pregnant, split up with the father, living back with her grandparents, dating yet another POS who has just gotten his DL back after catching up on his CS for the 2 kids he has but doesn't take care of. I don't even think he sees them. She has quit yet another job but her grandparents don't yet know it though it has been over a month. I am betting she will be moving herself and K in within him within the next few months. My guess is it will be right after the holidays, as soon as her aunt and grandparents make sure K has a good Christmas. The new baby will be here in February (btw her first name will be the same as LSL's little niece!)

I have friends who think I'm crazy to even care. After all these kids aren't my blood. But I have had them as mine since they were 3 and 8. When I got married I also made a commitment to them in front of God and everyone that I would always be there, and I meant it. Amanda was 5 when I got married. When it came time for us to leave after the ceremony she broke down crying. I swooped her up, wedding dress and all and carried her back in the church to find out what was wrong. "You and Daddy are married now. That means you'll get divorced and you won't love us anymore." I will never forget that as long as I live.

I guess I am with Dad on the commitment and honor thing. Doesn't mean I am a doormat to them, but they are kids in my heart. Even when they mess up.

Sorry my garbage is just spilling out - I must have needed to let it.
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Last edited by idig; 11-07-2009 at 09:43 AM.
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Old 11-07-2009, 10:37 AM   #18
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

This post nearly brought me to tears. I wish there was a way to fix this, but It kind of seems like it is something that DD has to do on her own. Is she pregnant with the other babies dad or the new one? I cannot understand how some people can do what they do when it comes to parenting there children. But they do, and unfortunatley we see all to much of this on here. I dont really know what to tell you, but maybe if all the "help" she is getting was somehow not so available would she then see? Is it possible to make the grandparents aware of this situation (no job). And tell me If I got this right, this is the other DD? Not the one who works with you PT? I dont know idig, this is a really tough situation to be in when there is a child involved. I cant go 24 hrs without my C and not feeling so empty. I can so understand how you are feeling, trying to help, and being frustrated when she isnt getting it. Remember, you can only spread yourself so much. And vent on here it helps tremendously
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I have friends who think I'm crazy to even care. After all these kids aren't my blood. But I have had them as mine since they were 3 and 8. When I got married I also made a commitment to them in front of God and everyone that I would always be there, and I meant it. Amanda was 5 when I got married. When it came time for us to leave after the ceremony she broke down crying. I swooped her up, wedding dress and all and carried her back in the church to find out what was wrong. "You and Daddy are married now. That means you'll get divorced and you won't love us anymore." I will never forget that as long as I live.
Idig, I was thinking of this last night! How amazing of you to look after these girls as if they were your own. You are not crazy for that, that right there says you are a kind hearted, wonderful person.
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Old 11-07-2009, 10:49 AM   #19
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Thanks Nat. I needed that cyber hug. Yes this is the other daughter. I don't talk about her so much and I guess you can see why, . I should just call them DD1and DD2 to keep it straight. DD1 is the divorced pregnant one, DD2 is the very young married with 2 kids one this thread started about. It has just morphed into me letting out things that have been really eating at me. Thank you all for listening and thank you to Mom for keeping this place around for things like this.

The baby DD1 is pregnant with now is by another father who is now out of the picture - and to add to the Jerry Springer-ishness of it all, he is actually in FL living with my ex, if you can believe that. They are in their drug abusing heaven together apparently.

As far as the grandparents, well they are as codependent and passive agressive as they come. And I have learned over time that as many people get tired of putting up with people's BS, there is another sucker waiting in line to be co-dependent to them. Kind of like your ex and mine - always someone willing to put up with their BS for a time until they move on to the next one. I could spill the beans about her job, but then I am just playing into the drama. I kind of accidentally found out about it, and I choose not to get involved but to let things take the course they are going to. My involvement won't change the eventual outcome anyway, I know from experience.

It is heartbreaking to see. Especially for the babies.

As far as step-parenting I don't know how other people walk away. I was an official stepmom to these kids for 9 years. The last 4 of which they were in my home fulltime. I don't know how you could stop loving and being a parent to kids after that just because you are divorced from their bio dad.
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Old 11-07-2009, 11:01 AM   #20
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Quote:

The baby DD1 is pregnant with now is by another father who is now out of the picture - and to add to the Jerry Springer-ishness of it all, he is actually in FL living with my ex, if you can believe that. They are in their drug abusing heaven together apparently.
Wow, I am at a loss for words. That is ironic, yet says alot all at the same time.

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I don't know how you could stop loving and being a parent to kids after that just because you are divorced from their bio dad.
No, you cant because that IS love and it cant be turned off and on...
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Old 11-07-2009, 11:46 AM   #21
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I feel like they are my kids too. People think it is strange, and yet if I ever remarried I would want my husband to love my son. I don't know. My dad adopted my sister when he married my mom and she is his. Yet he thinks it is weird how I am with them just because I don't have a piece of paper like he does.

I was there when each of my grandbabies came into the world, hopefully I will be with the next one but IDK - my relationship with DD1 is strained right now to say the least.

There is so much screwed upness in this world. I try to concentrate on the good things and the joy - but this time of year the pain of so much hits me and I become a blubbering idiot from time to time. I'll try not to drive you all crazy, but it is cathartic to type all of it out and to get feedback too.
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Old 11-07-2009, 01:25 PM   #22
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

For what it is worth Idig I think you are an awesome mother to still stand by the kids of someone from a past relationship. To not shut them out just because that relationship didn't work. To focus on the love you have for them as individuals and not by products of the ex is so wonderful. Me and my mom were never close and she shut me out alot and the type of mom you are to your children are the type of mom figures Ive picked up over the years and Im grateful for all of them. I don't see anything wrong with the choices you have made at all as Motherboard said you have to be sure you are ok still most of all because you are the foundation at the heart of all this.
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Old 11-07-2009, 01:55 PM   #23
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

idig, I really get you. When I got together with my ex, his ex-fiance was 9 months pregnant [should have been my first clue, yes]. J was 2 weeks old the first time his mom dumped him at my ex's house. I was there and ended up caring for J for the whole weekend. J was 8 weeks old when his mother said she was depressed and J was with us for 12 weeks. I moved in during that time. What followed was a shared like parenting plan. We had J for two weeks, then his mother had him for 2 weeks.

J was 4 when I left. I will never forget the agony, the hurt, the loss of half my heart when I left. I was not allowed to see him or spend time with him.

Years later, when A was about 6, my ex had J with him for a visitation with A. J looked at me and said, "mommy Lisa?" and ran to me, hugging me---he was 10 at the time. My heart ached for him, my arms went around him, and I treasured that moment.

You can love your step-children as if they were your own. I have. I still pray for J. I may not see him, but he is the son of my heart.
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Old 11-07-2009, 02:40 PM   #24
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

I have complete respect for what you have done and offered! It sounds like all it would take is them realizing what they have available to them and what that help should mean to them. They definitely don't have the appreciation for it they should. Good for you for standing up, giving them kind of the "final offer" to even tend their kids! They may come around some time soon.
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Old 11-07-2009, 02:55 PM   #25
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Thanks everybody. DD2 isn't angry at me at all, nor was she yesterday when I told her what I did. She called this morning and we chatted a while. They will be dropping by this evening too.

DD1 is off wherever. I dropped by her grandparents house to deliver some Boston butts that M sold for a Boy Scout trip to Va next year. K was there and her e usaul adorable smart loving self.

Lisa, I can't imagine with your baby of your heart being so young how heart wrenching that must have been. The girls were much older and had much more input by the time my divorce happened. The first two years they didn't have a lot to do with me, first because their dad had them convinced his absence was my fault. Which he disproved in no time. DD1 graduated HS the spring after the split and went to college the following Fall - that didn't last long though. DD2 got drug hither and yon and bounced between her mom and dad (which I had feared so much) and eventually moved in with a friend, literally homeschooled herself while getting her mom to sign off on it and passed the graduation exam a year early. By that time we were close again, but she chose not to live here which would require making a commitment to stay through high school. I could not allow M to have people revolving door here after he suffered so much trauma and loss with the split.

Neither of them has ever done drugs outside of a little experimentation years ago by DD1. They are terrified of addiction because of their bio parents. I do thank God for that much. I am teaching Mark about it too - he also has addicted people crowding his gene pool.

Thank you all again, I feel better having gotten some of this out. It has really been eating away at me and while talking doesn't change it, at least it's out and I get feedback from people I respect.

to everybody.
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Old 11-07-2009, 03:16 PM   #26
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

idig, you done good.
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Old 11-07-2009, 05:21 PM   #27
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Idig, You did the right thing as I know you always do even when you doubt yourself! I apologize for not reading this sooner and just wish I could help. Hugs from me and know you are doing an awsome job!
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Old 11-07-2009, 05:25 PM   #28
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Oh, Sara don't worry about that. I just needed to run my mouth, um, fingers and get it out!
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Old 12-25-2009, 08:34 AM   #29
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Default Re: Need some moral support on this one

Its good to get it out, really who can afford a 300 an hour, on call therapist. That were we come in...

Merry Christmas
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