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Old 08-06-2012, 01:36 AM   #1
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Default Disillusioned and Heart-broken

Hi, I'm Tanya, and I am the single mom of 4 grown children...Girls: 30,25, and 22; and a Boy: 20. All four are in college or college grads, and are contributing to the world in great ways as adults.

I am struggling a lot lately with the apparent lack of respect and gratitude that is coming from my kids. I am deeply hurt by these kids, as I truly know that I have earned and deserve all the respect in the world for what it took to raise them without ANY help whatsoever from family. I did have incredible, caring friends who definitely helped along the way, however, I have never had any people that I knew for sure would / could be there when we needed them.

This was **** tough through the years...took a whole lot of sacrifice, determination, and fortitude...but I did it, and I never once considered any other option. I formed my entire life around them...my work hours, my social life, all my major choices. I never used substances or exposed them to men I was dating (didn't even date much)...these kids were my LIFE and, because of my love for them, their welfare was my only priority.

Throughout those years, on the toughest days, sometimes the only thing that would get me through was to remind myself that, when the kids were older...when they had an adult perspective, without a doubt, they would respect and honor what I had done...that someday they would KNOW. I am not talking about receiving any medals or even any special treatment, necessarily, but I guess I'm just talking about some common respect...perhaps the absence of resentment when I need them to help me move...maybe NOT pointing out any and every flaw I have and discussing them with anyone who will listen.

I'm sorry to vent, but it honestly hurts. I feel like I should warn single moms not to expect their kids to ever appreciate or even acknowledge what they are giving to them...and to make themselves a priority so that they are not left feeling like I feel at the age of 50 - after I have given all I have to them. I know that is SO cynical, and i would never say that to a single mom, but it's honestly how I feel now.

I hope someone has some insight for me...I really need some perspective.
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Old 08-06-2012, 11:19 AM   #2
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

As hard as it bites, I think this is a normal phase for kids as well as a touch of entitlement that unfortunately, sometimes we single mom's unintentionally instill in our kids when they becoming our whole world.

I think the good news is that things likely won't stay that way. Once kids get married and have their own children, things readjust. I remember after I had my daughter how in AWE I was of my mom and how much I came to appreciate her. We actually grew extremely close to where I can say my mom is one of my best friends. There is hope. Hang in there.
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Old 08-06-2012, 01:09 PM   #3
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

It is in part the collage cool thing.
As them mature and see life more they may learn.

Hang in there.
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:37 PM   #4
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

Dear Tanya,

Oh my heart hurts and feels for you. Thank you for sharing your experience, as I am embarking on my adventure of single-mom-hood. That totally bites and hurts and I also think it has to do with early adulthood development...which seems to be delayed even more these days because of the whole 'millenial' generation and instant gratification kind of society we are living in. Still, I have hope that one day, when they marry and have children of their own, that will be their 'a-ha' moment.

Like the others have said, though, we have no control on others behaviors, and that you've successfully raised four children to adulthood--that is an *amazing* feat and I'm in awe of you!!!!

My hope is that when my children are grown, they will be responsible and understand that their actions have an effect on the world, and to choose those actions wisely. I totally had an a-ha moment with my mom when i was growing up, too.

Another thought on respect is--do you love and respect yourself? Every day, do you wake up in the mirror and tell yourself, you are loved and capable of loving? That you are wonderful and capable and amazing (even if you sometimes might not feel like it every minute of the day)?

I pray that you'll get through this, and again, I think you're pretty **** amazing. Your adult kids will come around one day, and even in that slim chance that they don't, *you* know that you've done right by them. small comfort, i suppose, but it's there. maybe i'm giving myself a pep talk for one day, too.

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Old 08-06-2012, 03:02 PM   #5
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

I truly hope things do change as far as their outlook goes. Cause, honestly, I am kind of hoping for that "realization" when mine grow up.
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Old 08-07-2012, 08:16 PM   #6
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

Thanks, Everyone - for the support, and for the perspective. It has helped me to know that I'm not alone in this experience and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That definitely makes a difference.
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Old 08-07-2012, 11:21 PM   #7
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

My oldest sent home a letter from Marine Corps Bootcamp that he was raised better than her thought, that what Dad had tried to instill now made more sense. When you least expect it they will surprise you.
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Old 07-20-2017, 04:33 PM   #8
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

Hi Tanya,
I'm in the same boat with my son, re: devoting my life to parenting, and him not seeming to appreciate anything. AT ALL! But then I think back to my 'entitled childhood' How hard my own mom worked to raise five kids and what a total BRAT I was at in my twenties and into my thirties until I had my baby, at 36. Now I am in awe of my mom, am caring for her as she ages, and love spending time with her. So....hang in there. You raised your kids well, eventually that sacrifice will pay off! (My dad, on his deathbed, while I cared for him with incredible love, said "Finally, having you kids is paying off." ��
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Old 07-20-2017, 09:13 PM   #9
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Default Re: Disillusioned and Heart-broken

My sons are finishing up their enlistments. DS1 has been back for a year and ds2 came home this weekend. DS3 has enlisted in the National Guard and married his long time sweetheart. DS4 is starting his SR year in a few weeks. Time flies and life moves on.

Hope things keep tracking for you.
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