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Old 07-02-2009, 07:06 AM   #1
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Hi Some questions

Big. Deep. Breath.

I'm new here and would like to get some feedback. To save some of the going back and forth I'm gonna give ya'll the low down on my situation. I've looked around this forum a bit and got a little bit of info, and many of you sound like you've been around the whole CS thing enough to give me some feedback that might help me in my upcoming discussions.

So about fourteen years ago I had a brief affair with a man, got pregnant and had a daughter. He was married at the time and still is. Has two kids with his wife. Affair was so brief that I never expected to see him again, but by a strange coincidence he ended up coming into town just after I gave birth.

Via mail I had informed him that I was pregnant and intended to have the child. I also told him I did not want to cause trouble for him (with his family) and intended to raise her myself. He visited once when she was born and we've kept in touch over the years. He sends her money for her birthday and Christmas. His wife knew nothing about our daughter.

We went on like that until about six years ago. He came once again to visit and brought news that the original letter I had sent had been found by his sister and she had pressured him to tell his wife about our daughter. Nothing changed in any other way except that a couple of times I asked for financial assistance because I was in dire straights.

After about three times over a period of six months (asking for money) he refused stating that his financial situation was too tight to assist us. He is military and after moving several times he ended up a geo-bachelor; also his oldest son started college and so he was supporting three households.

All of these years many of my friends and family tried to push me to get child support. While sometimes I struggled, until a while ago I was not in a place where I felt I "needed" to do this. Mainly because while his wife and oldest son know about our daughter, his youngest does not; and I know that he doesn't hold the family purse strings...she does. Pushing this will unravel his family life. I really, really did not want to be the person who does that.

But I lost my job in November and even though I've been looking and applying for jobs (in my field and even retail jobs and such) I have yet to find anything. My unemployment just ran out and I don't qualify for any extensions. I am living with a wonderful family friend who is housing and feeding me without recompense while my daughter is living with my mother and her husband.

I know he told me that finances were tight but some spark went off in my head because I started really thinking about it. Then I looked up what should be his salary (military salary charts online) and was shocked to find out what it was. And he'll be retiring in November of this year and has a civilian government job (of which I looked up his salary for that, along with what should be his retirement salary based on the information he shared with me). He should be making MORE after retirement with his GS job.

Truthfully I'm horribly sad that I've gotten to this point but I did the responsible thing and sent him an email opening up the conversation about him providing some sort of support for at least as long as I am unemployed and unable to provide for our daughter.

Let's see. He's in WI and I'm in CA. I have no other children, he has two but I think only one is at home. His name is on the birth certificate.

So some questions...

I really, really don't want to go through the courts unless I HAVE to. Because of that I need to know what sounds reasonable. I have no idea really. Can someone give me some reliable resources?

Because we are in two different states, which states laws apply?

If I did need to go through the courts, would he HAVE to pay back support? (I'm not looking to ream the guy, just get some help.)

I have a feeling that to do this without going through the courts I'm going to need to "persuade" his wife that it is in their best interest. Any suggestions?

I have to say that I truly am heartsick to have to do this. He's a nice guy and a good man. I *know* that his wife will, at the very least, give him grief. She might even file for a divorce if I push this. But I'm in such a horrible situation.

So sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for any comments and/or advice.

Beatrix Asher
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Old 07-02-2009, 11:04 AM   #2
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Default Re: Some questions

Welcome Beatrice,
I don't know the answers to your questions regarding CS, but quit feeling bad about asking for it. Also, be prepared. He is likely to want a paternity test performed.
If his wife didn't leave him when she found out about this, I doubt she will leave him now just because you ask for support. If she leaves it is not your fault in any case.
He is a big boy, he knew the risk he was taking. It's about time he took responsibility for his actions.>>> You did! Good luck.

---------- Post added at 10:04 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:04 AM ----------

Sorry for mispelling your name! :-)
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Old 07-02-2009, 11:14 AM   #3
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Default Re: Some questions

are you going thrugh the 'Child Support Enforcement ' agency.

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html

if you did that is all they will do is set up child support. and they do all the work after that too. collect, enforce, and send out auto court dates.
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:39 PM   #4
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Default Re: Some questions

Thanks for your comments. I'm trying really hard to not go through official channels. I'm afraid that they would try and take back CS from him, even though that's not what I'm looking for. I just need some help while I'm not doing so hot financially. While my mom and step-dad did not hesitate to keep my daughter, I know it is putting a strain on them financially.

I'm just so completely lost. I don't know anything about how it all works and what's reasonable to ask him for. I mean, I know approximately what he makes gross, but what's fair? I don't want to ask for too much, but I don't want to ask for too little. You know?

In the end the information is key, but also I really need someone besides my family and friends (read=involved and invested) telling me that I'm doing the right thing. For me I need that push because I've been so resistant to messing up his family life. I'm thinking more of the kids than anyone really. But I have to remember that they are big boys now. They aren't little guys like they were when this all started.

He's responded already, which is surprising. He usually takes forever to respond to emails. And I was shocked at the coldness of his response. I was actually very apologetic in my email, emphasizing the fact that I did not want to have to do this but felt I had to, for our daughter's sake.

In the end he probably doesn't realize he's given, via his emails to me over the years, all the information I need to do this legally if I have to. Over the years he's kept me apprised of his career and his plans to retire. I know what his pay grade is now, how long he's been in, what civilian grade he's going to be when he retires...the list goes on. I don't want to be hardassed about this, but I will give him ___ for tat.

I mean...he had the audacity to briefly imply that he was not the father! The gall of this man! The coldness. I'm in shock.

~sigh~ Thanks again for the comments and support. I need the kick in the rear.
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Old 07-02-2009, 08:48 PM   #5
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Default Re: Some questions

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beatrix View Post
He's responded already, which is surprising. He usually takes forever to respond to emails. And I was shocked at the coldness of his response. I was actually very apologetic in my email, emphasizing the fact that I did not want to have to do this but felt I had to, for our daughter's sake.

In the end he probably doesn't realize he's given, via his emails to me over the years, all the information I need to do this legally if I have to. Over the years he's kept me apprised of his career and his plans to retire. I know what his pay grade is now, how long he's been in, what civilian grade he's going to be when he retires...the list goes on. I don't want to be hardassed about this, but I will give him ___ for tat.

I mean...he had the audacity to briefly imply that he was not the father! The gall of this man! The coldness. I'm in shock.
OOOOOOH MY GOD. Really...this is ME!!!! I sent that same email in the beginning about not wanting to, but financially I HAD to and that it was best for our daughter. AND, I also couldn't believe the cold response (although I should have). AAAAAND.....I have years of emails, too......AAAAAAAAAND...mine had the GALL to ask for a paternity test.
Yikes.....if your road is like mine, it's gonna be hard, but WORTH it and the people here have helped me when I didn't think I could do it anymore.
You know....it's amazing how much 'better' it makes you feel when you realize you aren't the only one dealing with an issue....especially one with such similarities!
I'm glad you are here.
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Old 07-03-2009, 01:49 AM   #6
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Default Re: Some questions

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beatrix View Post
So some questions...

I really, really don't want to go through the courts unless I HAVE to. Because of that I need to know what sounds reasonable. I have no idea really. Can someone give me some reliable resources?

Because we are in two different states, which states laws apply?

If I did need to go through the courts, would he HAVE to pay back support? (I'm not looking to ream the guy, just get some help.)

I have a feeling that to do this without going through the courts I'm going to need to "persuade" his wife that it is in their best interest. Any suggestions?
Honestly, you need to go through the courts. You won't be able to really get it any other way. And honestly, for his protection, the court is the best way to do this. And actually, it goes through the child support system, which is not necessarily the court systems.

First, the state in which your reside will govern child support. Second, if you go through the courts, even if back-support is awarded, you can sign a form that releases him from paying the back support and forgives it.

Now, here's the deal child support is for your child. I don't think you should have let this guy not take responsiblity for his child. What if your child wants to go to college.....back support would go a long ways to paying for it. Why should he support his son, and not your daughter? Why should you have to struggle to pay things, but his family is always taken care of?

When they calculate the child support they will take into account he is married with children and will be given a credit for this responsiblity.

My personal opinion [not that you asked for it] is that he is not a nice or good man if he leaves his daughter to struggle. Sorry, I don't care if you conceived her while having an affair, he made a choice to sleep with you and the child is that result. Why should he not take responsibility?
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Old 07-03-2009, 09:34 AM   #7
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Default Re: Some questions

I agree with Lisa here. In the long run this is all for your daughter. I serviously think about R going to some secondary education you can't do anything without it and thats why I went for child support for that reason. Yes at times you can scrap by without but when the time comes that your daughter wants to go scraping by will mean you have no way of helping her. Take steps to do so. If you get back support put it to an education fund. Even if she decides later on not to go it will help her in other ways. Goodluck.
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:55 PM   #8
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Default Re: Some questions

If you are trying to avoid the courts at all costs and he's willing to cooperate, this may be of some help.

http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/
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Old 07-10-2009, 08:48 PM   #9
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Question Re: Some questions

Thanks again for all of the suggestions and support. The kick in the rear is greatly appreciated as well. Since my second response he and I have exchanged a couple of emails and a phone call. He came up with a tentative number, which, according to all that I've looked up (calculators for both states in question) was on the low side.

I responded to his number with more information (the calculators again) for him to look at and asked that he take a look so we could talk again. His response was...not happy to say the least. He's mentioned his wife's reaction (not good at all) and has gone back to the tactic of trying to say he might not be her father and that since he did not get a say in whether I continued my pregnancy and since SO much time has lapsed (13.5 yrs) since her birth that he has no legal obligation to take funds from his family to support OUR daughter.

Can we say "archaic" everyone?

Go ahead. Say it with me everyone.

AR-CAY-IC. Archaic.

If I wasn't so frustrated and stressed over all of it I'd laugh. Hmmph. I just might laugh anyway.
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Old 07-10-2009, 10:10 PM   #10
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Default Re: Some questions

You know what, take it to child support enforcement. He will get his paternity AND 13.5 years of back child support.
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Old 07-10-2009, 10:29 PM   #11
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Default Re: Some questions

I agree with Lisa. Just go through the child support enforcer. You have done all you can to be reasonable.
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Old 07-15-2009, 07:02 PM   #12
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Default Re: Some questions

Thanks guys. After my last email to him sharing some of my feelings surrounding all of this...of my reluctance and my fears of what happens next...my prayers were answered.

His wife is determined to not give support to our daughter and thus he has decided that it is prudent to start the process to ensure that he can give ongoing support. He has also given in on the paternity issue, asking me what he needs to do to establish paternity.

I have gone to my state's website and have started the online paperwork process and given him a link to the site so that he can see the same thing I am seeing and help me fill out the paperwork.

I'd like to thank those of you who have posted to give your advice and support. I hope to visit the forum more often as I can see there is a fount of knowledge here and appreciate interacting with other people in similar predicaments.
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Old 07-15-2009, 09:28 PM   #13
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Default Re: Some questions

YAY! I am so glad that you are working through this and that you are going through the state. This is very important for your child! Good for you.
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Old 07-16-2009, 06:34 AM   #14
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Woo-hoo!!! Way to go Beatrix!
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Old 07-16-2009, 10:49 AM   #15
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Default Re: Some questions

Good luck to you and your daughter.
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