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Old 11-05-2009, 03:53 PM   #1
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Default Dont Want Him To Have Visitation.....

Im a mom to a 3 yr old. He hasnt seen her since she was two months old. And thats perfectly fine with me. I am in a financial bind and have to start doing something about getting child support. However, I dont want him to start coming around because he may possibly have to pay now. I need the money, dont want his drama. Help...... ? Suggestions...? Anything.... ?
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:02 PM   #2
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Child support does not mean they get visitation
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:03 PM   #3
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

First, child support and child visitation are two separate issues. So you would file for CS and that is all it would be in regards to. He would need to file for visitation, a separate action for that to happen.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:06 PM   #4
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

But unless there is a compelling reason to not want visitation, its pretty f'd up to want money but not have contact.

Now if he's an alchy or abusive, different story.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:08 PM   #5
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

and if he files for visitation? just to be a nudge? She doesnt know him from Adam.. and i for darn sure am not letting him take her anywhere.. not that he would hurt her, but hes a stranger in every sense of the word to her. and this scares me.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:09 PM   #6
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

If he files for visitation and isn't a danger to her, then he has every right to see her.

But if he hasn't made an effort to be a part of her life for 3 years, then chances are, he won't.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:13 PM   #7
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

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Originally Posted by JJCx2 View Post
and if he files for visitation? just to be a nudge? She doesnt know him from Adam.. and i for darn sure am not letting him take her anywhere.. not that he would hurt her, but hes a stranger in every sense of the word to her. and this scares me.
I have to ask, what is your objection to him seeing her? I know he has not been there and is a stranger, but is he abusive, is he a criminal, is he a drug abuser?

Even if he filed, the court is going to take into account what he has tried to do to see her. The court would likely put together a graduated visitation schedule designed for him to get to know her.

I have to say, and this is in no way passing judgment on you because I don't know what you have been through, minus abuse or danger, it is always in the best interests of a child to know both parents. Sucks for those who want nothing to do with the other parent do to emotional baggage---but this is about a baby girl and her rights.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:36 PM   #8
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

he is not abusive or an alchy or anything like that. when we were dating he had two children in a previous relationship and throughout our relationship i watched as he time and again let those kids down by having some excuse for not seeing them ( which was only once a week on a sunday! he could of seen them more, but he chose sundays and then chose to not see them for one reason or another). my pregnancy was unexpected and we werent in a relationship when i got pregnant. it was a literally a wham, bam thank you ma'am, oops now Im pregnant. When i found out i was pregnant, it took me about a month to tell him, because i didnt know which route to take. I decided to tell him, but we werent together anymore and i wasnt telling him because i wanted to be together again. but i vowed that he would never hurt my baby like he hurt his other two babies. when i brought her home, he came twice to see her. at two months old, he was holding her and looking at her and at that time she had just started to open her eyes, and he says to me... OMG, She has a lazy eye!! And i got immediately defensive and said to him... NO she doesnt! Shes two months old! YOU just have a lazy brain!! And that was that. I just never want her to be hurt or let down , ever, and with him, thats all it would be.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:41 PM   #9
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Ladies, give her advise. My thoughts will get me in trouble with Mom.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:46 PM   #10
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Give me your advice Bubba!! I need to hear everything......
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:47 PM   #11
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

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Originally Posted by JJCx2 View Post
Give me your advice Bubba!! I need to hear everything......
You're gonna be sorry you asked.
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Old 11-05-2009, 04:48 PM   #12
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Doesn't sound as if this guy would even take the time, or money, to bring you to court, so I am not sure I would be really worried about that.

I want you to think very hard about what kind of pain your daughter is going to have not knowing her father. Many minds will chime in here and give opinions, I am sure. But I have to say, that it is best for kids to form their own decisions about their parents when abuse is not involved. Your daughter is going to hurt either way.

I see all the time the hurt and devastation involved from parents do not know one parent. They feel rejection, have identity issues, and suffer deeply. Someday your daughter is going to ask you why her father is not around, and what are you going to tell her? I can guess based on your explanations---but her next question to you is, "But mom, what if it would have been different for me." You cannot shield your daughter from everything.

I know there is a history there, I know it hurts, but frankly, your daughter will hurt to.

Did dad never call you again? Did he decide that was it? Or did you? If he did, and never contacted you again, his bad.

---------- Post added at 12:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:47 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexmichele07 View Post
You're gonna be sorry you asked.
LOLOLOLOL------she did ask!

And please, please, please do not take any offense to anything said by anyone. We are saying what we are out of love and concern.
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Old 11-05-2009, 05:26 PM   #13
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

I have to say that this is something that has always bothered me.

I don't understand why parents think that they have the right to decide whether or not the other parent has a "right" to be in their own children's life. Obviously if he/she is a criminal has abuse problems or something else that will be very harmful to the child you have every right to protect your child first...

I really do feel that the custodial parent sometimes makes it difficult for the NCP to be a parent. They hold the problems in the relationship against them. And because they rejected him/her they push it onto the child. I really feel for some NCP, imagine how hard it is to form a relationship with the child when you are always being badmouthed, when you have to deal with an angry ex to get to the child, when you are always the bad guy/girl. Sometimes, I can understand why the NCP just walks away. (well, kind of)

It may sound ironic that I am saying this seeing how I am moving my son 3000 mile away from his dad. But, the courts limited his visitation because he is not a fit parent and I agree BUT, I will never keep Parker from knowing him, will never keep him from contacting P and if the day comes where he can handle more responsibility..great..I will love to have some free time to myself in the summer.

I have a sister who's mom moved her away at 4 years old, she told her we were all dead, I am still searching for her, she contacted my dad at 19 but the damage was already done..they have no relationship.

I am not saying that it is your job to push and force them into a relationship but it is your job as a mom to allow someone an opportunity to know both parents and not make decisions for them that can't be undone!
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Old 11-05-2009, 05:52 PM   #14
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

I hear what you are saying, and used to feel much the same until I saw firsthand the emotional damage caused by someone in and out.

I agree sometimes it is very difficult to separate our personal feelings in regards to our kid's parent. Sometimes they just prove who they are over and over again and enough is enough.

Personally, I've never stopped my ex from being a part of M's life, but I sure as ____ regret bending over backwards to facilitate it at his whim for so long only to see M get hurt time and again. That changed my opinion.
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Old 11-05-2009, 06:09 PM   #15
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Yeah, I know Idig..and that is what makes it so hard...nothing is black and white where children are concerned and after reading what I wrote..I am sorry if it sounded mean...oops sorry. I guess everyone needs to make their own decision where their own children are concerned. But I still feel that some people do make it hard for the NCP to be a parent and I do feel that if you are trying to keep the NCP out of your child's life (without a valid reason) then no, you should not have a right to also ask for child support.
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Old 11-05-2009, 06:35 PM   #16
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

There is a.... OK, maybe not a happy one, but a medium here.
I agree completely that as long as a parents are not in some way dangerously ill...like substance abuse or anger management issues or other criminal activity...then they have equal right to BE parents in all that it entails. This is a right of the child's, too.
Mom or Dad can be a big mouth jerk, but as long as they genuinely care about the child's well being and make an mighty effort to meet the childs needs...the kids just are gonna have to learn to deal with the fact that Mom or Dad can be a jerk and say really stupid things sometimes. And I don't know of any parent who has NEVER dissappointed their kid once in awhile. Stuff happens.
From what you have said, I get the impression that this guy is not all that interested in being a Dad, but if he decides he wants to he has a right to try. If you do not make a big deal out of visits, do not build up alot of anticipation, etc., then your child will not be disappointed if he flakes out. She does not need to clear her schedule to accomidate him. She can be surprised when it does happen and not know any different when it doesn't...for awhile, anyway. Later, HE may tell her stuff and then flake out, but at this point you don't even know if he wants to try to see her at all. Do you?
Mind you I am NOT saying you should encourage him by making grand offers or anything like that, just that if he does express an interest, make it possible for him to follow through. If he is just doing it to be a nudge, he will tire of it quickly. No way will a court just hand her over to him alone until he has put in the time and established a relationship with her. He can't "take" her just to freak you out.
File for CS. Your child deserves his support irreguardless. If he wants to see her, think of the big picture. Like Lisa said, what will you tell your teenage daughter when she wants to know why you wouldn't LET her Dad see her ? Because he was tactless? Because he was flakey? I'd rather be able to honestly say that he could have. That I wish he would have...but that it's his loss because I have the most amazing little girl in the whole world.
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:08 PM   #17
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Alrighty then....this one hits a painful spot for me. So...there is no valid reason (he isn't a bad person, just a stranger at this point) and never threatened you or the child, just isn't involved. Hasn't contacted you in years. When he saw her he most likely was nervous and majorly freaked out, so he made a comment about her looks that you got really upset over. His uninvolvement? That's perfectly fine with YOU, but give it a year or two and it will NOT be fine to your child. Barring another man in your life treating her or being her 'father', she will definitely know that he isn't around. My child is 5 and has asked about her father for WAY longer than you can imagine. So now, since you've hit hard, financial times you want money from this person, but for him to not see her? And...that seems/sounds okay to you? Really? That doesn't seem....selfish?
But, I do get how he has had 3 years to contact you and hasn't, but maybe he has wanted to (who knows) and hasn't known how to....or he may REALLY not want any involvement and if you try to get cs from him he may get really crafty or sneaky with his income so it might not be worth it for you to pursue him. If you like your life the way it is and think your child is better off without him for a valid reason (and not wanting drama isn't all that valid...that reason won't do anything to ease an abandoned child's pain) than you have to REALLY think if you want to open this can of worms or not. And believe me....even if he doesn't want to? Maybe his family will. I know in MA here that Grandparent's can get rights...
I don't know....this has to be your decision....obviously, but is his uninvolvement in your child's best interest? Or yours? Do you know if he acts any better towards the other 2 children? Who knows. EVEN though asking for child support isn't legally connected at the time with visitation, the one who has to pay often re-thinks the abandonment issue when forced to pay (according to what my lawyer has seen). Obviously, mine was a total scumbag before, during, and after our relationship, but even she was surprised he didn't go for anything.
I'm sure I'll ruffle feathers, but nothing is said in real malice....but if I can 'help' to spare another child the pain mine feels I will say just about anything.
Good luck and think this through BIG TIME.
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:30 PM   #18
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

I really hope we didn't chase her off............. We all have some seriously strong opinions on this one!
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:31 PM   #19
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

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Originally Posted by pann71 View Post
Yeah, I know Idig..and that is what makes it so hard...nothing is black and white where children are concerned and after reading what I wrote..I am sorry if it sounded mean...oops sorry. I guess everyone needs to make their own decision where their own children are concerned. But I still feel that some people do make it hard for the NCP to be a parent and I do feel that if you are trying to keep the NCP out of your child's life (without a valid reason) then no, you should not have a right to also ask for child support.
It is such an individual decision. I wish we lived in a world where kids weren't used as pawns, but we don't.

The OP is the only one who knows her reasons and whether they are in the child's best interest. I do hear what you are saying and in some cases I think you are right.

There are just so many variables.

Sometimes I think it is really sad that courts assume that parents deserve chance after chance after chance, at the child's expense, simply because they reproduced. I get the the reasoning behind it, and that they want to exhaust all possibility of the child have a relationship with the parent. But boy do some kids pay for their parent's rights.

Sorry, I am totally getting off subject.
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:38 PM   #20
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

idig, I agree with what you posted above. I know that when I first came to this forum my view was so, "Advice to give to keep the kids away from the ___ of a father." But my view has changed to, "I need more facts." I need someone to say WHY before I can just go and say, "Ya, you did right." I have seen way too much in the past year both on this forum, and in the courts!

That being said, when a parent is emotionally abusing the kids [like m's father] or physically hurting them [like A's father] or doing things that would endanger the welfare of the child [crime, drugs, alcohol]--my whole analysis shifts.

Kids start paying the moment one parent moves out, maybe before, just depends. Preserving that parental relationship is a must because it is a fundamental constitutional right for the parent [not the child, strangely enough]. And way to many custodial parents have poisoned the child against the other parent, or obstructed teh visits in some way. Sad fact.
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Old 11-06-2009, 10:21 AM   #21
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

Many parents want child support but alienate the other parent which in the end you are punishing the child not the parent. At the same time others feel if they choose not to see the child why should they pay?

JJCx2 no one wants to see their child hurt or let down but before you judge him you should give him a chance. People change Ive seen people become better parents after a break up. Lots of people pass on the care of a child to the other parent in a relationship but when they have the child alone they know they have to step up to the plate. Theres been times that they have nothing to do with the first child then go on to have a child with someone else and are a great parent to the next. Does it make sense? No but everyone deserves a chance unless of course drugs or abuse etc come into play.
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:07 AM   #22
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Default Re: Dont Want Him To Have Visitation....

JJCx2... I know in the state of Texas that you can have bounderies of where and where they CAN'T go with your child. I have stiplations that he can't leave the county during his visitation and if he does, I have to have the address...AND if they are younger than 3 they can not have over night visitation unless they have a sibling older than 8.
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All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
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A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

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