Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Inner Turmoil - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!
         


Go Back   Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices >
(``'·.¸(``'·.¸ Single Parenting - Issues ¸.·'´´)¸.·'´´)
> Child Support


~ Donate Today ~ PLEASE
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-14-2009, 03:20 PM   #1
Amalie
Parent on Board
 
Amalie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ontario canada
Posts: 150
Rep Power: 0
Amalie is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Inner Turmoil

Going to court and fighting for child support has to be one of the hardest things. Not only are you fighting against a flawed system, you have to fight against your own thoughts in your head. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have predicted that here I would be fighting tooth and nail against someone I loved with all of my heart for so long, for financial help to provide the basic necessities for our children. It's heartbreaking. It definitely causes a lot of inner turmoil.

I just walked away from a heated discussion with an aquaintance and once again my insides feel like they've been through a war. I need your thoughts on this please.

My oldest daughter who is 16 is not my ex's biological daughter. He had raised her from the age of 1 to last April. We decided, as a couple, that we would not take her bio dad to court for child support. Yes, we were young, but this was the decision we made. Her bio dad lives in the same city and has only laid eyes on her once (in the hospital, post delivery). He contacted me when she was three and I brought him a picture of her. He said that he wanted to be a dad but he told me to contact his new wife to make arrangements. I never did, and he never followed through. I never took him to court for child support.

This aquaintance, that I just had the heated discussion with, was appauled that I was taking my ex to court for child support for BOTH of my children (16 year old and the 11 year old his bio daughter). She said that I have no business doing this and that the child support should only be for his daughter. In her opinion, I should be taking my first daughter's father to court for support and my ex separately - to which I replied "no way". My ex is also furious beyond comprehension that he might have to pay for a child that is not his (he doesn't want his own child at this point so it only makes sense that he doesn't want to pay for someone elses child).

In my honest opinion this would not be fair to my oldest's father. She is now almost a grown woman and he missed everything. He backed off and allowed her to be raised by my ex. I'm sure he would have been a part of her life had we not been teenagers and had I not found my ex. Taking him to court at this point is something I would never do. I believe that it is my ex's responsibility to continue to help support the child that he decided to raise.

What are your thoughts? Why do I always end up feeling like I'm doing something wrong?
Amalie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 03:43 PM   #2
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 411
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

Not sure how it works in Canada, but that would not fly in the states unless he had adopted the oldest.

In the states, you have to prove paternity. No paternity, no child support.

I think, personally, it is fundamentally wrong to hold someone financially responsible for a child that really is not his. So the bio-dad was able to walk away--no repercussions? I don't care if it is 16 years later, that bio-dad is her biological father. Visitation and child support have nothing to do with each other.

Frankly, I am surprised that the courts are allowing you to proceed with the oldest [again, unless he formally adopted her]. Interesting.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 04:44 PM   #3
snickermel
Parent on Board
 
snickermel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 115
Rep Power: 0
snickermel is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

I can see why you feel he is responsible for your daughter. Whether that is going to be supported legally is a whole other story.

I too hate courts and fighting people I used to love. Do you have some people you trust and who have your daughters best interests in mind to support you?
snickermel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 05:19 PM   #4
YJL279 Female
Pray Until Smthng happens

 
YJL279's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Newnan, GA
Posts: 1,309
Rep Power: 193
YJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With Support
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

Every person you talk to about this is going to have a different opinion. Your opinion is the only one that really counts, and the Judges, of course. You will have to live with whatever the Judge says, so i would not get into the situation with any other people, it is not their business anyway.
__________________
Yvette

A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug. --Patricia Neal

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. --Anatole France
YJL279 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:04 PM   #5
Amalie
Parent on Board
 
Amalie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ontario canada
Posts: 150
Rep Power: 0
Amalie is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

In Canada, the law is called In Loco Parentis. "Jurisprudence has evolved to the point where a person found to be in loco parentis or to stand in the place of a parent, has all the rights and obligations of a biological parent in the absence of a biological parent or adoptive parent."

This will be a non-issue in the courts eyes. He has acted as her father for her entire life minus the first year. It hadn't even crossed my mind not to take him to court for child support for her.

I think it would be extremely gross of me at this point to attempt to retrieve child support from her bio dad since he did step aside and allow my ex to raise her as his own. We had an unspoken understanding. By no means does he get off scott free. He pretty much gave up his right as a parent to allow my daughter stability. Unfortunately, I blew it with my choice. I blame myself for all of this.

I'm thankful that such laws are in place. Just because my ex has decided that he no longer wants that responsibility (15 years later) he cannot just walk away from child support on a technicality. He can physically walk away from his kids but not the financial responsibility - to either one. I can't believe this law doesn't exist in the US?!!

Snickermel - it tears me apart inside. I still can't fathom that I would have the need to fight for this. These are his children that he raised and loved for 15 years, it feels like such a bad dream.
Amalie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 07:21 PM   #6
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 411
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

Interesting...in light of that, I can see how you would be insensed.

In the US, in Loco Parentis applies only to the education system, and not to any parental rights of a step-parent. The court has declined, on many occasions, to extend this jurisprudence to step-parents, even with case facts similar to yours. There are lots of reasons for this, but most paramount in the courts minds has to do with the absolute right of the biological parent---rights and duties. It's interesting to see the difference between common law courts of Canada and Britain in comparison to the United States.

This conversation illuminates the difference of the concept of family across countries and cultures.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2009, 10:40 PM   #7
YJL279 Female
Pray Until Smthng happens

 
YJL279's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Newnan, GA
Posts: 1,309
Rep Power: 193
YJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With SupportYJL279 Is Rocken These Boards With Support
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

Lisa, FYI, in Loco Parentis also applies with Family and Medical Leave Act. If your grandparents or any other member of the family raised you for a majority of your life, they are covered just like a parent if they get ill.
__________________
Yvette

A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug. --Patricia Neal

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. --Anatole France
YJL279 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2009, 12:11 AM   #8
sara1 Female
Setting New Standards

 
sara1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 2,304
Rep Power: 188
sara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelsara1 Has Heart and Soul of an Angel
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

I had a friend in a similar situation in the united states and the courts did rule that the man who had assumed responibility for the child, even though not legalized was indeed financially responsible. I dont remember all of the facts of the case but likewise he was also granted visitation of this child who was not biologically his.
__________________
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.~Thomas Jefferson~
sara1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2009, 01:30 AM   #9
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 411
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

Quote:
Originally Posted by YJL279 View Post
Lisa, FYI, in Loco Parentis also applies with Family and Medical Leave Act. If your grandparents or any other member of the family raised you for a majority of your life, they are covered just like a parent if they get ill.
With FMLA, it's not a line of jurisprudence, like with the education system----there we are talking liability issues. But yes, the saying goes that if you stand in the shoes of taking care of someone, the employer has to give you the leave for serious medical conditions.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2009, 08:43 PM   #10
idig Female
SFV JUNKIE!!!

 
idig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Alabama
Posts: 6,665
Rep Power: 307
idig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Inner Turmoil

Quote:
Originally Posted by YJL279 View Post
Every person you talk to about this is going to have a different opinion. Your opinion is the only one that really counts, and the Judges, of course. You will have to live with whatever the Judge says, so i would not get into the situation with any other people, it is not their business anyway.
I agree with Yvette here. People are very opinionated and can be quick to judge. You are in a place of pain right now, and I think it is only hurtful to discuss this with people who haven't walked a mile in your shoes.

I also find the difference in law interesting. I have always had a problem with the absolute rights of biological parents and the complete absence of rights of people who parent by choice. I have never stopped to consider a nonbiological parent paying chiild support because I have never heard of such here (until Sara's post).

I understand where you are coming from and why you are fighting for what you are. I agree that a person shouldn't just get to decide they don't want to be a parent anymore and walk away.

.
__________________
Sure as night will follow day. Most things I worry about. Never happen anyway. ~ Tom Petty
idig is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Resources: youngrobin.com
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:40 AM.

Some parent places to visit:
A Single Parents
Parent Arium
Solo Parents
Single Parent Personal Ads



Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SoloParent
Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SingleParentsInformation
Powered by vbulletin

All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!

A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.