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Old 07-23-2008, 08:30 AM   #1
BillWi
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Hello Everyone:

I was widowed back in 2001 and lost my wife to cancer. At the time my children (Girl age 2, Boy age 9,). Now back in July of 07, I got remarried, to a lady that was a single mom of a 7 year old girl. My kids really like their step mom, and her daughter and I get along great. The problem I am running into is that my daughter who really doesn't remember her mother or what it is like to have a mother, is smothering my wife. My wife has a girl and I know the bond between a biological mom and daughter is going to be stronger than any bond with my daughter, but my daughter is kind of driving her nuts. I feel like I am always the referee in the house and that everything my girl does is a problem and that her daughter can really do no wrong. It is also difficult as being a father, I don't know how to be a mom to a girl. My son and I get along great and share many of the same interests, but I don't know how to be the mom as well especially when my girl sees how my wife and her daughter act together. I am not saying that my wife is mean or anything like that. But I know I need to step up to the plate and be a dad as well as a mom and I am looking for advice from any of you that might have some experience in this matter.
I don't have any support from grandparents on my side or my late wifes side, and my new wife her family is very supportive and try to spend time with all of the kids. I really would say that they are textbook awesome grand parents. But even that is hard as my kids are not the biological grand kids. Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks
BillWI
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Old 07-24-2008, 12:00 PM   #2
ALASKA
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That is a tough one. But all the rules should be the same for everyone. No favorite type of things. Biological or not all the kids should feel the love. If your wife is playing favorites it could be a major problem down the road. But that is all I can say. Ive never been in that situation.
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Old 07-24-2008, 01:09 PM   #3
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I have personal experience in this kind of situation as my mom did not die but was not there when my dad remarried. I remember nothing about my parents being together and remember little about my mom. My stepmom always and still does have favorites. I am okay with it as I dont have the "gene" that requires socializing with family, other than my own daughter.

However, my sister has a huge resentment bubble towards my stepmom. There is no forgiveness there. While you are correct in that your wife will never look at your daughter the way she looks at her bio daughter, I think action on your part is required here.

Being that your daughter is basically being raised with a mom that is not her bio mom, you need to make sure that your current wife has a bond with your daughter. I'm not saying go to your wife and demand that she treat your daughter as she treats her own but if your daughter is noticing the favoritsm, its going to cause issues in the long run.

I would say talk to your wife about this and see what her take is on it. Your wife should be understanding, as she married she knew that you daughter would view her as a parental figure. Talk about it. If you are honest about your concerns, I see no reason why it would be a problem.

Is it also possible that your wife doesn't realize that she's not including your daughter in on things? Honestly, I think its rude and you may also have resentment towards your wife if she doesn't accept your child as her own. Granted I know your kids have a mom that unfortunately passed away, but still . . . as your wife its her job to raise your child as her own and love and care for her in the same way.

I have an okay relationship with my stepmom but since your wife isn't mean, I assume your daughter will at least have a good relationship with her.
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Old 07-30-2008, 05:39 AM   #4
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smshybug said just about everything, I don't see my self loving anything more in my life than my daughter, that been said, unless is a problem of your wife not standing your girl you could probably try some activities, like your wife doing something "just the girls" so they are both included. My daughter gets very attached to every woman that crosses her path, the son of a couple friend was jealous because every time we saw each other Stacy was all over the mom, they had to explain to him ( he was 9 at the time) that Stacy wasn't as lucky as he was to have a mom and that she needed that, to be understanding.
whats your wife take on all this?
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Old 06-09-2011, 11:43 AM   #5
jewells17
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Hello there. Let me tell you another way to look at it. I am dating a man who lost his wife 12 years ago to a car accident. He has 3 kids that are 20 or older. I am currently pregnant myself. I love the kids like my own baby. I have devoted time and energy to helping his kids get on the right track and let me tell you it was not easy. The household was a mess when I entered and two of the kids still live at home. His daughter and mother have lying issues among meanness. However, I still do what is right. I do not condone their behavior and I have helped the father set healthy limits but I still make my decisions out of real love. What I am saying is in my opinion I do not think it is very nice that your wife treats her daughter differently. Maybe your daughter needs discipline or maybe she is just reaching out for love from a female. I don't know but it sounds like your daughter is going to grow up thinking she is not as good as the other child. Not a good thing at all. I would set your wife straight and spend as much time with your daughter doting on her...take her to get her nails done or paint them yourself, find out what she loves to do and get interested. I am sorry but I think what your wife is doing is really unacceptable and damaging. Good luck you sound like a nice person. I hope all works out. Little girls need a lot of love from their daddies and need to feel equally loved by the woman in their life.
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