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Old 05-07-2015, 09:39 PM   #1
Nicole'sMom
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Default I found that my daughter has been lying

Hi, this is my very first time to reach out online for help. I am a single mom with 11-years-old girl. Today I found that she has been lying to me. My reaction was/is being depressed...I know that this is not a good way to respond..but I do not know a better way than being honest with my feeling...Please share with my if you have any constructive advice.
Thank you so much.
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Old 05-08-2015, 03:59 AM   #2
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

I think it helps to know what she was lying about, why, and how you found out.
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Old 05-08-2015, 05:32 AM   #3
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

you need to talk with her.
you may also want to see your primary physician about getting some meds about your depression too.
after you & dd chat, let us know more

I used the below as my guidance tool, hope it help u
-------------------------------------------------------
How To Help a Lying Child

It’s our job to help our kids understand the importance of honesty. Being trust-worthy (worthy of trust) is the key to solid friendships, trusting romantic relationships, and academic and occupational success. Honesty really and truly is the best policy.

The first requirement is the hardest. Our job is to be consistently good models of honest living. If we want to raise honest kids, we can’t model the opposite. We can’t duck responsibilities or brag about avoiding something we really should have done. We need to live our lives with integrity and demonstrate in a thousand different ways that we think it’s important to be an honest man or woman.

Stay calm. Losing it will take the focus off the issue and put it on your anger and frustration. Are you pretty sure your kid lied to you? Before dealing with it, go to your happy place. Breathe. Count. Pray. Are you calm now? Ok. Now talk to the kid.

Take the time to train and explain. When little ones stretch the truth or tell tall tales, don’t accuse them of lying. Instead talk about how we may wish some things were true and that it’s fun to pretend, play and imagine. By all means, don’t shut down their creativity but do help them understand that there’s a time for play and a time for real life.

Understand that comprehending moral issues is difficult. Give your child the benefit of the doubt. If she or he really did lie, give them a way to back down. Then talk about what happened and what they can do differently the next time they are tempted to lie.

Look for the reason behind the lie. Make that part of the conversation. If it’s about being “cool,” fitting in, or avoiding an embarrassment, see if there are other ways the child can accomplish the same goal. Stay focused on what happened and why it really wasn’t a good idea to lie about it.

Did you catch your child in a bald lie? Parents shouldn’t mimic interrogators. Trying to force the truth out of kids only makes them more scared. It’s enough to simply say that we’re reasonably sure they’re wrong and to ask them if they want to stick with their story. Stay with the facts and set clear consequences. Name-calling or losing it will only make it harder for your child to tell the truth the next time.

Never label a kid as a liar. When a kid’s identity gets tangled up with a label, it becomes harder and harder to correct. Some kids become good at being bad when they are convinced there isn’t a way to win approval and love by being good.

excerpt from Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
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Old 05-08-2015, 01:32 PM   #4
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

Understand that this is a normal stage of development for lying to develop.

Kids lie....especially teens. It is a coping skill that they apply to situations to "get what they want" from us.

You need to share more details....for further analysis and help!
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:44 PM   #5
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

Quote:
Originally Posted by mustang2008 View Post
Understand that this is a normal stage of development for lying to develop.

Kids lie....especially teens. It is a coping skill that they apply to situations to "get what they want" from us.

You need to share more details....for further analysis and help!
I agree with you and I realize that it is time for ME to learn how to deal with it. The relationship between me and my daughter is like BFF. We chat a lot and etc..I as well as her teachers think she is mature and responsible..simply speaking, a "good" girl..Yesterday, I visited her school during lunch time to pick her up for her to attend the Director's award ceremony. When we were leaving, the secretary caught us to remind us that we need to sign her out. Then she told me that I need to inform the school always if I give a permission to my daughter that she can walk home after school. She and her friend didn't take the school bus often and the other day the principal talked to her friend that they shouldn't do it. I was shocked. My daughter asked me for the permission several times and I made it very clear that I do not give her the permission. The secretary was also surprised by my reaction..She didn't expect that my daughter would do that...Three of us had very awkward moments.

As other single moms, I try to balance between being a friend and being a mom who discipline with authorities. Without trust, I don't know how to balance it any more. I can talk to her how important it is to be honest but I wonder if there are some other ways to guide her, because I know that she already know this but she wants what she wants: being with friends.

As a specific question, should I give her punishment for this? If yes, then what kind of?

Thank you so much for your concerns. As an extra information on myself, I just don't have friends nearby to talk to...Your responses already helped me a lot.
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Old 05-09-2015, 02:12 AM   #6
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

Thank you so much for the suggestions. We took a walk talking to each other. I guess I am afraid that I am losing my friendship with her...Is it too much to expect to have a good friendship with daughter while having a constructive authority?? I am still confused..
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Old 05-09-2015, 03:16 AM   #7
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole'sMom View Post
Thank you so much for the suggestions. We took a walk talking to each other. I guess I am afraid that I am losing my friendship with her...Is it too much to expect to have a good friendship with daughter while having a constructive authority?? I am still confused..
MY children over the 26 years have popped up the question from time to time " how come you cant be like a friend to me, like ____so & so___ parents?"

My answer has never changed

" Honey, you have enough friends and you'll lose and gain friends throughout your lifetime, but what you only have one of is a mom, and that's me. Im more than a friend, and im gonna be with you for the long haul of your life time. "

as a parent we are our childrens everything..., their first love, the first they will hate, the first they wish to marry, we are the first they will lie too... as parents we are the ones laying down the concrete foundations for their life, for when they turn into adults this foundation is what they are going to build their life on.
If we leave cracks in their foundation, they will either fall through them and get caught up in trying to get out of them, or they will need to fix them, them self. all we can do as parents is try to leave as few cracks as possible for them, in their foundation so they can focus on building their life and thrive.

with that said, friendship is in the ingredients for parenting, its just not a main ingredient. when they are grown they can be friends then.
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Old 05-09-2015, 08:51 AM   #8
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Default Re: I found that my daughter has been ly

Quote:
Originally Posted by MotherBoard View Post
MY children over the 26 years have popped up the question from time to time " how come you cant be like a friend to me, like ____so & so___ parents?"

My answer has never changed

" Honey, you have enough friends and you'll lose and gain friends throughout your lifetime, but what you only have one of is a mom, and that's me. Im more than a friend, and im gonna be with you for the long haul of your life time. "

as a parent we are our childrens everything..., their first love, the first they will hate, the first they wish to marry, we are the first they will lie too... as parents we are the ones laying down the concrete foundations for their life, for when they turn into adults this foundation is what they are going to build their life on.
If we leave cracks in their foundation, they will either fall through them and get caught up in trying to get out of them, or they will need to fix them, them self. all we can do as parents is try to leave as few cracks as possible for them, in their foundation so they can focus on building their life and thrive.

with that said, friendship is in the ingredients for parenting, its just not a main ingredient. when they are grown they can be friends then.
Thank you so much, MotherBoard.
Your advice was the first thing I read this Morning in the bed. I read it several times to have a strength to get up and be a mom with positive energy. Yes, you are right. I should get ready for it before my girl becomes a teen. Have a nice weekend.
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