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Old 01-26-2015, 04:43 AM   #1
terie
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Default single mom 30.why why why

I am a single mother with 3 boys.why is it so difficult for men to love someone for loving her even if she has 3 kids.why could i never receive love.respect.trust.all i do did was being more than the best i can be.why not appreciate me.i didnt ask for money.just love.
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Old 01-26-2015, 05:59 AM   #2
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

Welcome, Terie....

I can feel the pain in your post.

Of course, there is no simple answer to your ponderings. Could be that maybe you are being the best you that you can be for men who are not worthy of that kind of effort from you. Ghandi is certainly a great guy but I guarantee you that there are women out there who would gladly use him and take him for everything he has if he doesn't watch out.

Maybe that wasn't a great example, but hopefully you get my drift.

Also, it is understandable that many people are reluctant to take on an instant family. They may enjoy you for unattached fun, but to commit to you means to commit to a somewhat sizable family. This is not a negative refection on you, but just...you have to see how that could be a scary proposition no matter how great YOU are.

It's going to narrow the field for you.

Now, I realize that you were probably just venting, but a large part of the pain you feel is due to your longing for love and your efforts to "earn" it.
It doesn't work that way.

If you are MORE than the best you can be then you are not YOU and you will burn yourself out. If you are doing it for someone else, then it is not part of you and it will not help YOU when you need it most.

There is nothing so attractive to a (healthy) person than another person who is completely happy and whole without the need for another person to maintain that for them.
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Old 01-26-2015, 06:31 AM   #3
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

Thank you for the reply.yes it is so.just wish it all works out to happiness
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Old 01-26-2015, 09:53 AM   #4
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

As a package deal myself I understand. Most ladies my age a looking at retiring and are grandmothers. After the hurt from the Motherthing's cheating and lying I thought I'd never even date. I met a lady, single mother of 2 and we hit it off. We dated over a year, but our paths where not to stay together. she moved half way across the country for career and family reasons.
I have not dated much since, I'd like to, and I have even pushed my comfort zone in meeting a lady or 2, it just has not been meant to be.
sorry, I kinda stole the tread.
We all go through the "to date or not" and the "will I meet someone?" phases. Some days I feel great and plan on traveling solo after I retire, then other days I wish I had a partner in crime for more adventuring. I know I can have fun and be happy solo. I do not need another to be happy. I would LIKE (not need) someone to share the fun with.
You are not alone in this. Vent away and learn to be happy without relying on another person.
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Old 01-26-2015, 11:16 PM   #5
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

The others said it much more eloquently than I could. I'll just add the suggestion to get into therapy, quickly. I'm not being flippant - I really think therapy is essential after a divorce. I would recommend individual therapy and even a group. I loved the group for the camaraderie and social aspect - happy hour after each session! The individual sessions were really wonderful and I learned so much. I cannot imagine getting back to sanity without all that help! Best wishes to you - recognize that you're going through a dark phase, but you'll get through it and you'll be stronger for it. And pop in here when you need a pep talk
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Old 01-27-2015, 07:30 AM   #6
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

Haha thanx
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Old 01-27-2015, 09:58 AM   #7
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

Good advice from Joie, I'll add that if you are unable to find counceling for some reason, see if you can find a CODA meeting. That's Co-dependants Annonymous.

If you are unfamiliar, co-dependants (like pretty much all of us are to one degree or another) are people who love so much that they allow others to abuse them rather than to be without them. As you know, this is not fun....and there is help for it :-)
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Old 01-27-2015, 12:52 PM   #8
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

I agree with the others--therapy helped me leave an abusive relationship and pick up the pieces. i still contend with some PTSD and i'm getting help for it. healing is a journey...and only when i was content in being in my own skin and caring for my kids and actually feeling empowered doing those things...was i ready to meet and date again...

i know it sounds counterintuitive, but i honestly wasn't ready for "love" until I could fill up my heart with just my own self, keep forgiving myself for the i've done wrong, loving up my kids, and accepting my imperfections. and...the thing that i discovered for me is--forgiving ourselves for mistakes made and accepting our imperfections is an ongoing journey, too.

<3

p.s. you are a package deal, we all are. and at the same time, you are a "catch" in your own right!! You are loving, caring, responsible, able to take care of your kids, helping them grow. that's a hard list to go through, and that you are doing it, is awesome. it's not your fault that people can't see it, rather, get into therapy and work on your 'picker.' my 'picker' was pretty terrible, , so I *completely* understand. you ABSOLUTELY deserve love, respect, and trust. I think if you work on those for yourself, you will feel a lot stronger. <3 <3 <3
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Old 01-27-2015, 01:02 PM   #9
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

Great support here. These Ladies and Gentlemen have helped me alot!,

I am at a place inside that I do not need a relationship with a Lady to be happy, I would like one to share that happiness
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Old 01-27-2015, 05:10 PM   #10
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

I think we have all beat ourselves up with blame.....or asked "what is wrong with me". Time helps one see things differently. Since I fix things for a living, it seemed natural to believe I could fix a marriage...a counselor helped me re-frame that thinking!
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Old 11-20-2016, 11:53 AM   #11
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Default Re: single mom 30.why why why

I know we are in the DAD section but I wanted to ask you if you're tied in heavily to social media? I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough and no one will ever want me. I've been single and not dated much over the past 4 years. I'm beautiful inside and out, love people, am tender and kind. BUT.. I have 5 kids .. not a turn on!

I found out most recently that a lot of my stress and disjointedness was coming from seeing my friends beautiful lives play out on social media and it just made me feel worse and worse about my own life. I have deactivated my Facebook page (I've had an account since FB first started out and was only for college kids!). Immediately, I felt suddenly like I had a new life. I'm already starting to feel better about my situation and feel less "not good enough".

If you're feeling like I have been, you might consider cutting off social media cold-turkey and just letting yourself focus on the beautiful life you DO have. It's just something that has helped me tremendously.
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