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Old 10-23-2013, 03:27 PM   #1
Shawn76
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Default Getting divorced.

My wife left yesterday. She couldn't handle what my son is going through and wanted out.
I didn't have a problem with that,but the way she done it was totally wrong.She didn't talk to me about it,she texted me and said she was leaving. She came back yesterday to get some things and I didn't say anything to her. I was upset and I wasn't going to start anything in front of the kids.I let her get what she was going to get and leave.
She still has a lot of stuff here and has to get a storage shed since she doesn't have a place of her own.
She called today and talked about it and when she was getting her stuff.She wants me out of the house when she comes and I told her I will be here and I will not say a word to her. I made it very clear she is not coming back and that this was the final straw for me after all she had done to me the last 3 years. It isn't easy to let go,but I know it is the right thing for me and my kids to let her go.It hurts but I will survive and will spend more time with my kids and be a single dad again. Relationships for me are out of the question for a good while.
What hurts me more then anything is I didn't get to tell my step daughter good bye. I loved the kid like my own and she called me dad and that meant a lot to me. I will miss her but I will not miss the stbx. My kids are doing ok and understand what happened and why.
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Old 10-23-2013, 03:37 PM   #2
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

WOW!

Welcome to my recent world...Except I wasn't married to mine.

I had such high hopes for you two when everything got resolved!

Sorry to hear but If your situation is like mine, you'll be better off without her!
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:01 PM   #3
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I'd say a dating timeout is definitely in order.

I think we all hoped for the best, but, to be frank, kind of expected this outcome given the behavior of everyone involved. It will be very hard on her daughter, and on your kids too. I do hope it causes some serious introspection as to what you want from a partner, and from life.

I hope this is not coming off too harshly, but this relationship did not ever seem healthy to me.

On the support end, I know this is probably pretty rough, and I'm sorry for that.
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:02 PM   #4
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I'm sorry, Shawn...sheesh it sounded like she had really been in this fully with you this time. I'm positive you are better off and your attitude this time will help you greatly. Sad for you, the kids and her daughter...what a mess
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:05 PM   #5
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Sorry it is coming to this. But, sometimes, it really is best.
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:23 PM   #6
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Sorry Shawn but maybe this means you can get off the emotional roller coaster that relationships so often become. And you will have more time for your kids. Might be what your son needed. Good luck!!
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Old 10-23-2013, 06:42 PM   #7
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cf829 View Post
I'd say a dating timeout is definitely in order.

I think we all hoped for the best, but, to be frank, kind of expected this outcome given the behavior of everyone involved. It will be very hard on her daughter, and on your kids too. I do hope it causes some serious introspection as to what you want from a partner, and from life.

I hope this is not coming off too harshly, but this relationship did not ever seem healthy to me.

On the support end, I know this is probably pretty rough, and I'm sorry for that.
Not harsh at all.It's hard to be harsh when you are right about this.Our relationship was a wreck to start with and I should of let go 2 1/2 years ago or roughly that amount of time ago.
It hurts because of the kids.My kids seem to be ok about it now and IDK about her daughter. I haven't seen or talked to her,though I wish I could at least tell her I love her and miss her dearly.
Dating is way out of the question for me. Not even in my mind.II am putting my focus on my kids and getting my son better and maybe then I might try dating again,but not likely. I think I am much better when it's just me and my kids. It feels like a huge weight was lifted off my chest but at the same time crushed. Time will heal all wounds,just takes time.
Thanks for all the replies.
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Old 10-23-2013, 07:21 PM   #8
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Sorry to read this but hope things ease up for you soon.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:37 PM   #9
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Shawn, I am truly sorry you had to go through this.
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Old 10-24-2013, 05:00 PM   #10
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I am also truly sorry you are going through this. i know you gave it your best shot and when i heard you guys were in therapy I really had a lot of hope for you, so don't beat yourself up for having hope, too. good luck and stay strong! you are a great dad who is always there for the kids.
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Old 10-24-2013, 11:38 PM   #11
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Shawn, sorry this happened, but I am not surprised. I like that you do see how the kids can be effected and are putting them 1st.
hang in there, your kids need you.
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Old 10-25-2013, 01:42 AM   #12
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Originally Posted by Dad1st4boys View Post
Shawn, sorry this happened, but I am not surprised. I like that you do see how the kids can be effected and are putting them 1st.
hang in there, your kids need you.
It's been 2 days and I have had time to process this pretty much all the way. I'm over it. I'm not letting it get me down. I have talked to her today and she is living in a shelter.Her daughter isn't even with her. One of her reasons for leaving was that she wasn't spending enough time with her and now she is shacked up in a shelter and her daughter is somewhere else. Makes no sense. I am not putting all the blame on her for walking away. My son was hard to deal with when she was here and today was the first time he acted out since she left and it really wasn't that bad.Mostly because it was almost bed time so he was really tired,he didn't even turn the TV on to fall asleep,he just went to sleep.
I could of done more in the relationship to make it better,but I just felt she was leaving anyways so why waste my time and effort trying to make it work when I knew she was going to leave.She was doing things like putting her stuff on one side of the garage and mine on the other.That was my first clue she was leaving.If I would of had that feeling sooner I probably would of tried a little harder to do more to keep the marriage alive,but I guess in my mind,I wanted it over between us and for her to leave.
I had to ask her how she was going to afford to live on her own when the time comes. She said her and her sister are going to get a place together and her sister was going to get on disability. So I asked who was paying the bills and rent because she can't work and get disability at the same time. She had no answer.I told her that I will not let her come back when she has a falling out with her sister because of money issues. I'm usually right 95% of the time when I tell someone close to me what will happen in some situations and like with the kids mom,I was right. Very few times was I ever wrong. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
She is suppose to come over Monday alone and get some more of her stuff.Not sure if she wants me to pick her up or if she has a ride.I have a friend who will be here to make sure nothing happens and to make sure she doesn't try to say I done something to her.She knows my friend will be here for that reason.
I am letting her store things here that she isn't using because I have a 2 car garage that is empty so that she can save money by not renting a shed. I'm not being a jerk about it and will let her store things in there until we file taxes and she gets a place of her own. I can't be 100% mean to her.I feel it would be disrespecting her daughter.
I finally got to talk to her today and I told her I loved her and miss her and that what happened was not her fault.I told her she can call me anytime if her mom allows her to and we can talk.I love the kid and treated her as if she were mine.After 3 1/2 years,how can you not,especially when she still calls me dad. I guess I will be the only dad she has ever had and I hope that we stay in contact.I guess she told her mom that she misses me and wants to come back.She said she loved me and misses the dog and playing with my son.
I do miss and love the kid but I can't have her in this kind of situation. It just was not healthy for anyone and I am glad it will soon be in my past. Thanks for all the replies. It helped me clear my head and really think about things and see that this is the best outcome possible.
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Old 10-25-2013, 06:46 AM   #13
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Trying to figure out the other person at times like this is a normal reaction, but pointless. They will continue to confound you at every turn. Focus on the kids and it will all work out........miserable process that it is.
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Old 10-25-2013, 08:08 AM   #14
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Trying to figure out the other person at times like this is a normal reaction, but pointless. They will continue to confound you at every turn. Focus on the kids and it will all work out........miserable process that it is.
I agree. We talked about the tax return for 2013 and if we should file together or separate since we aren't divorced yet. I explained to her that we should just file together and split the check and move on. I figure that is fair and it gives us both a chance to get things caught up and money saved for emergencies. She says she is on board with that,but I somehow have a gut feeling she will go on her own and file. Since she has been through 3-4 jobs this past year,I am only trying to give her a little extra help in finding a place for her and her daughter,and only because of her daughter I would do this.
Yeah,she left me in a mess here and I had to get things organized quickly and out relationship was horrible but I want her and her daughter living together again and not be apart. I care a lot about her daughter and would do anything for her even though she no longer is living here.The only thing I won't do is allow them to stay the night or move back in.I would also hesitate to even let her come here to visit.I think a place in public would be better so that way she can't say I tried to do anything stupid. I explained to her that I have 2 kids I have to raise who can't go back to their mom.Why would I do something stupid and childish and get thrown in jail? I have only been physical against her 1 time and that was when she hit me in the back where the pain is.I blacked out with us in the closet and I had her pinned to the floor hitting her. It took a lot of guts to admit that,and the kids were not home when it happened. I was depressed for several weeks after that and I said sorry IDK how many times a day. That was not me.I don't believe in hitting a woman and I had a hard time coming to terms by doing so. I still have no idea how we ended up in the closet or what made me come to and stop.It scared the ____ out of me. That was really when I decided it was time to get away before it happened again. That was about 3 months ago.I never had the money to get away.A week after that happened,we got into an argument and she got physical with me.Hitting me and hitting me in the back where my pain is. I didn't black out of fight back.I let her do it. No way was I touching her.
It really took a lot for me to come out and admit that I got physical with her 1 time.I have never hit a woman before her,not even the kids mom who did deserve it. I'm just not that kind of person. I still think about it,trying to figure out how we ended up in the closet with me on top of her. We haven't talked about it but she knew I was sorry and regretted it. Heck,I told her it would be better if she moved away from me because she was bringing out the bad side I never knew I had.
But I can sit here now and honestly say I will never take her back. The relationship was terrible and the kids hated her.She got even worse when we moved into this house I am living in now.It's just over for me and she can beg all she wants,I don't want a person who has some of the same problems the kids mom has.Tuesday was the final straw for me and she knows I am serious.I paid over $100 to have the locks rekeyed so she can't come in and destroy the house and take stuff that doesn't belong to her. It made her mad,but she refused to give the key back and she no longer lives here so she doesn't need a key.Landlord said it was ok for me to do and to mail them a key when I mail in my rent for Nov.
Like I said,I am glad this is over for me and my kids and we can get back to how things were.I told my kids it was not their fault and not to worry about seeing her.She is getting stuff while the are in school,which is probably the best way to handle this. I'm trying to be the adult here and not stop her from getting her stuff from here.

Sorry this was long but what I said needed to be explained so it doesn't look like I am a wife beater.I am far from that and I am not happy that I raised a hand at her,heck I have never called her any names when we were together and arguing. I guess I am just to laid back most of the time.
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Old 10-25-2013, 08:19 AM   #15
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Shawn you and your kids will be in my prayers.
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Old 10-25-2013, 04:31 PM   #16
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Shawn you and your kids will be in my prayers.
Thank you. It's still a little rough for me but getting better by the day. My way of thinking has changed and I know this is the right thing to do for me and my kids.
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Old 10-28-2013, 02:53 AM   #17
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Almost a week in and I feel better.I'm not so hung up on her like I was and it's really doesn't surprise me that I feel this way after all she done to me and my kids.Why should I let her get the best of me?
I do have 1 funny thing to share. She was always getting upset with my son for not doing his chores.He'd use excuse after excuse to find a way out of doing them,which done no good for him. Today after work I stayed up and he gets up and gives the dog food and clean water. IDK how many times she told him he had to do that when he got up and now he just goes and does it.He didn't do it while she was still living here,including the day she left. He started doing other things she always had a problem with getting him to do. We had a set time for baths and tonight he went in at the time he was suppose to and took a bath.I didn't tell him to,he just done it. He has also done other things she complained about. She called this evening to remind me about Monday and her coming to get more of her stuff and I told her what was going on around here with him.She started crying. I asked what was wrong and she said that she left because she felt like she failed as a parent to him and felt unfit when dealing with him. Big shocker to me.She gave me other reasons why she left. She hurried off the phone and said she'd call back.She did and she was calmed down and explained to me she left because she was stressed over him giving her such a hard time,which I told her was going to happen since he has problems trusting women right now. She said she regrets leaving and wish she would have stuck it out. In the conversation I admitted it was not all her fault and that I was to blame as well for his actions since I didn't help a lot with the kids like I should of been.I didn't let them do what they wanted I done some things but I do feel I should of done more on my end to help out.She hasn't asked to come back but I did remind her that since she did leave already and done it all wrong,I don't want to go through it again in 6 months if I let her come back,pretty much,you made your bed,lay in it. My son wanted to talk to her after we hung up. I called back and he said he was sorry for what he done and that he should of just done what he was suppose to instead of giving her problems about it all the time.I had it on speaker phone and I heard her choking up and trying not to cry. She said she loved him and he said it back to her and she asked to talk to me again. I made an excuse up to get off the phone so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I think the new therapist is helping my son out. He has changed his ways as far as his temper goes and doesn't fight me about anything like he used to. Tomorrow I know she is going to want to talk and I told my friend to come a little early so that she can stop that from happening. I have nothing to talk about at this point with her other then the divorce. I am not wanting to get back into the marriage with her,me and my kids have been put through enough with her and I am not going to take a step backwards with her again.I done it to many times in the past and I have reached my breaking point of her walking all over me and expecting me to just forgive her each time. I can't keep doing that and argue with her all the time. She is just to negative for me. I feel I handled the situation well considering how I have screwed up other things in my life. I am sure some have already read and replied to my last post about a different person. So my point in posting this is that this could of all been avoided if my son wouldn't of done what he has done for the 1 1/2 years. I am not going to punish him for it since it would be a step backwards to him,but we did talk about it and he knows I was not happy with what he done. he knows I was upset over it but in the same sense I am fine with how my current living situation is now. It's been peaceful and I want to keep it that way. If I were to let her back in,chances are,he would go right back to his old ways again. Not 1 time today after finding this out did I consider letting her back in,which for me is a miracle considering how I have handled things in the past. I just wanted to share this and show some here that I can sometimes make the right choices and not always take a step in the wrong direction. It does suck that my marriage only last a little over a year,but things were bad for a long time and we should never of lived together or even got married and I have told her that. It's a mistake I won't make again.
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:17 AM   #18
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

That is the right attitude. Stay strong! First part of this post I was thinking oh Lord she's going to sucker him back within a week..but no! Stay strong Shawn..it will be good for all of you
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:53 AM   #19
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Well. Things sure do change. I figured out why she really left. She has been cheating on me. She thinks she can hide things from me, but I always find out. So glad this is done for and she isn't here anymore. Just one more reason to stay away from her. I have more then enough reasons to not speak to her again. She can call or text me now. I have her number blocked on my phone and Facebook. No way she can get ahold of me now
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Old 10-29-2013, 08:39 AM   #20
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

See, this is part of the thing...

You go into these deep psychological explanations for for peoples behavior in order to "excuse" the things they do...to make them present as just needing help and understanding and you as being the strong one who is gonna help them overcome all that...when in fact it isn't anywhere near as complicated as all that.

WHY people behave badly is not nearly as important as acknowledging that they do and will continue to no matter what you do. There may be tragic reasons for why they are so damaged, but damaged they are and they will wreak their havok on you just like anyone else who gets too close no matter how understanding you are about the dysfunction that made them that way.

If you want to help such folks, then go to school and become a psycologist, open an office and help folks see the individual trees in their black forests...but you don't take them into your personal life.

When you meet "patients" in your day to day life, you don't date them, feel sorry for them, and then marry them, thinking that you can cure what ails them...cause even in a clinical setting, alot more people fail to utilize therapy properly than there are those whom have moments of clarity and really turn their lives around.

The majority of thieves who go to therapy, even after years of effort they would still steal the therapists wallet if they got the slightest chance.
Insecure, damaged, irresponsible and impulsive women who get married to sympathetic men will still seek to fill the void in them in irresponsible and impulsive ways, too.

All that "he made me feel, you made me feel" ____ is just excuses for someone who is operating on damaged programing that was installed LONG before you came into the picture.

No matter how horrible the other person may be...nobody makes anyone do any specific thing. We always have choices in how we are going to respond to the people around us. If we are f'd up, then we will likely respond in f'd up ways and that's all on us to correct.

So, you meet someone who does self destructive stuff you say, "how sad..." and you move on to healthier people.

Anything else is called enabling....cause if everyone was to protect themselves from f'd up people then the f'd up people would be FAR more likely to get some real help. But as long as they can get someone to excuse their behavior....game on, Buddy.
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Old 10-29-2013, 09:06 AM   #21
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Originally Posted by Shawn76 View Post
So my point in posting this is that this could of all been avoided if my son wouldn't of done what he has done for the 1 1/2 years. I am not going to punish him for it since it would be a step backwards to him,but we did talk about it and he knows I was not happy with what he done. he knows I was upset over it but in the same sense I am fine with how my current living situation is now..
Good grief Shawn! I hope you explain that it wasn't his fault!! You can't blame the kids. There is a ton of BS in this post, Shawn.... but you are hurting and this is a support forum, SO... I am glad it's more peaceful there. Please spend more time with your kids and get some help for yourself (no judgement, I am looking into therapy for my son and I so that we can communicate better).

Best of luck moving forward with the only part of your life you can change... the future!!!
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Old 10-29-2013, 09:19 AM   #22
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Good catch Treb! I cannot focus well with really long paragraphs haha. Seriously, scrolling up trying to do a line at a time...breaking it up makes reading a lot !

Looked like same old same old first half, then saw it sounds like he is really done. Here's to hoping!
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Old 10-29-2013, 09:23 AM   #23
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Good catch Treb! I cannot focus well with really long paragraphs haha. Seriously, scrolling up trying to do a line at a time...breaking it up makes reading a lot !

Looked like same old same old first half, then saw it sounds like he is really done. Here's to hoping!
Yep. One big paragraph is hard to follow
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Old 10-29-2013, 09:28 AM   #24
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Shawn, you need to stop talking to her.

---------- Post added at 09:28 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 AM ----------

And seriously, your son caused her to be crazy? How in the world could you even think this. Maybe the relationship caused him upset and trauma? Hug the kid and apologize for dragging him through all your ____ with you. Assure him you won't do it again and keep that promise! Listen to the child's word and actions, you may just learn a few things about life.
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:15 PM   #25
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I'd love to have a GF.... but even with my boys being older they need me more.
Plus I am living a low drama life (for the most part ) and enjoying it.
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Old 10-29-2013, 02:57 PM   #26
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I'm just chiming in to add my two cents. You must, must, must put your children first at this point! Your son needs you. He needs to feel secure. He needs to know that HE didn't cause this divorce. He needs to know that you love and appreciate him, and he does NOT need to know any more grown folks business - let him be a child.

I also agree that you need to quit communicating w/ your wife. What did you gain be telling her that now your son is performing all his chores that she desired of him? There was no point in talking to her about that. And, if I had to guess, I'd say your son is probably doing it because he has been made to feel this is his fault, and he's trying to make amends somehow now. It's not funny or amazing that he has been doing these tasks the past few days. He is crying out for acceptance...IMHO.

Cut the drama - be the good dad you know you can be.
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:00 PM   #27
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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I'm just chiming in to add my two cents. You must, must, must put your children first at this point! Your son needs you. He needs to feel secure. He needs to know that HE didn't cause this divorce. He needs to know that you love and appreciate him, and he does NOT need to know any more grown folks business - let him be a child.

I also agree that you need to quit communicating w/ your wife. What did you gain be telling her that now your son is performing all his chores that she desired of him? There was no point in talking to her about that. And, if I had to guess, I'd say your son is probably doing it because he has been made to feel this is his fault, and he's trying to make amends somehow now. It's not funny or amazing that he has been doing these tasks the past few days. He is crying out for acceptance...IMHO.

Cut the drama - be the good dad you know you can be.
My heart cries for this child.
Like most of the others, I missed the part where you blamed your son. I saw where your stbx did, and saw where you were, as usual, making excuses for her behavior...or at least buying the excuses she was making...but I didn't see where you blamed your son.

You must correct this. That kid has been through the wringer and then you make this HUGE mistake in bringing this unstable woman into his life..and then you blame HIS behavior for why things didn't work?

I think it's more like this unhealthy marriage is to blame for why he was acting out. He is a kid. He is not supposed to know better.

You owe him a big apology and you need to step up and demonstrate what responsible people do when their heads are f'd up and they end up hurting those that they love most - like their children.

Quit talking to your stbx and start talking to a therapist.
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Old 10-29-2013, 11:19 PM   #28
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I realize my mistake and have talked to him about it already. I haven't talked to her today. After all the BS and things she done to me,why should I continue feeding into that? I do have her blocked in every way I can think except for her to come knock on my door but I can ignore that also. I wish I would of left way sooner then she did,but we all do things in life we can't change.

BM you are right,you can't fix a "broken" person. I had no plans to go back to her ever.She is more then I can handle as far as my kids are concerned and the drama she would drag with her. I just need to stop dating period. Not even after the kids are grown and on their own. I just feel that I keep finding the bad apples or they find me and then it gets bad I stay around and then finally ends with one person leaving.My plan was to leave her anyways when I had tax money to move into a new place and catch up some bills. She moved 4 months shy of me being able to.

I have no interest in what she is doing now or has done.I have to focus on what is in front of me and that would be my kids.I don't need a woman around,especially the ones I have been with. It's just been to vicious of a cycle for me to keep living in. Time to step back and do what is right with my kids.
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Old 10-30-2013, 04:35 AM   #29
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I forgot to say that I do see a therapist and have talked to him about things.
He was also a the same person me and my stbx used to go see so he knows the history of us well. He told me it was better we were going to divorce and she moved out.He wasn't sure how I dealt with her all this time after what she had done.I see him again in 2 weeks to talk more about it.1 hour is not enough time.

I also talked to the kids about her leaving and they admit they didn't like her and why. I told them both they are not going to hurt my feelings if they say anything bad about her and that if I ever am with someone they see that will be problem to tell me and we will talk about it. I want my kids happy and they are back to that again.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:48 AM   #30
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist Shawn. And really hope things settle down for your family. Pretty much everyone on here has their issues and needs to work on themselves, it's good to hear that you are.

All that other stuff is in the past now, time to move forward! Once again, good luck!!
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Old 10-31-2013, 01:29 AM   #31
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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I'm glad you are seeing a therapist Shawn. And really hope things settle down for your family. Pretty much everyone on here has their issues and needs to work on themselves, it's good to hear that you are.

All that other stuff is in the past now, time to move forward! Once again, good luck!!
Thanks. I have been seeing a therapist for awhile,but as soon as I get to talking the person quits and I have to start fresh with someone else. I have considered changing if my current one does the same thing. I do like him as a therapist since he listens to what I have to say and doesn't talk down to me on mistakes I have mad. He helps me find a solution and will talk with me about it. I have also emailed him a few times when I needed some help so that also helps.

Kids are doing great.Had the conference with the teacher today with and my son is doing pretty good in school.He can do better and will now that things at home are calm and not so tense anymore. It has been very quite here with no arguing or anything going on. I am not sure why I gave this up to start with,really like how peaceful it is in my life when single.

She tried to text me today.I seen it pop up on my phone but I have no clue what she wanted.I have a program I use and I don't log any blocked messages.She has also tried calling and left a few voicemails but I didn't bother listening to them and deleted them. My phone doesn't ring if I block a number it just goes to voicemail. Nice that way. I know I can keep this up and will. She has came knocking at the door yet but I am sure that will be next so I keep doors locked so she can't barge in. If she shows up,I won't answer unless I see a Uhaul truck with her and she wants her stuff then I will let her in. I am not going to get wrapped up with her again and will avoid her as much as possible.

Thanks for all the help through this and I know we all make mistakes some worse then others but If I am asking for advice or posting,I don't sugar coat things and tell it the way it is so I get the answers I am looking for,good or bad,it's all advice I can think about. Sometimes one person can't figure things out on their own.
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Old 11-02-2013, 05:15 AM   #32
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Exclamation Re: Getting divorced.

So today I was bored at work and I seen a new voice mail. Yeah it was her again. I got the divorce papers today,she filed before I did but since I am not contesting it I won't reply.I have 60 days to do so,or it defaults and she gets it. They can do it now if they want to. I don't need 60 days to figure this out.

Anyways,I decided wth I will listen to it. She called asking me for a ride to work. I thought well gee,she leaves in a hurry and does it the wrong way,gives me 50 million reasons why when it was her stupidity that got her in a jam to begin with,and she left me with bills to pay and no savings to help me out.Does she really think I am going to waste my time helping her out.HA that would be a joke. She continued on saying she wanted to file taxes together so she could claim my kids and we could split the check. Um no,they are MY kids and I will file separate from her.I would get more back if we filed together but not giving her the pleasure of more money when she done me wrong.The kicker that got me the most is she said she was going to get a place at tax time and was living in a shelter for now. I know how much she makes a week and $100-$130 a week isn't going to pay rent around here. I so wanted to call her back and give her an earful of reality but I didn't,so tempting though just to really get her mad at me so she stops bothering me.

So,now look where she got herself at.Karma is just so darn mean to mean people .
It sort of reminds me of the kids mom wanting something and using the kids as pawns except she has nothing to use as a pawn against me and 90% of her stuff and her daughters stuff is still here. I could ask for storage fees from her if she wants and half the rent for the rest of the lease I have to fulfill. I could move,landlord already knows it will be rough going but is willing to work with me since I called and talked to her and explained the situation. I have a really good landlord and I really don't want to move.It's rare to find one that wants to keep the house in good shape and liveable. It's not the nicest house but I have seen 20X worse for 2x the rent.

I can't wait until she gets her new place and realizes oh,I can't afford it on my own.Her first call will be asking me to come back,I can already see it.But the door closed Oct 22nd when she left.It's only open long enough to get her stuff moved and back out.I am not falling in that again. I don't even have to think about it now,it's just going to be an instant reaction NO. It's been nearly 2 weeks and the first few days were rough but things have just been better with her gone. Never will she be a part of my life again.Only in the past where she belongs.
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Old 11-02-2013, 09:10 AM   #33
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Have your attorney read those papers carefully!
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Old 11-02-2013, 09:34 AM   #34
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Have your attorney read those papers carefully!
I second this...
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Old 11-02-2013, 01:00 PM   #35
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Have your attorney read those papers carefully!
Yeah...

You know, for someone who was all set to leave her as soon as you could, you certainly are bitter about her leaving you first. I mean, she kinda did you a favor, right?
Not only do you not have to get a judge to decide who gets to stay in your home, but you will be more sympathetic appearing to the court because you appear to be the wronged party.

My ex...he wouldn't budge. He was determined to drive me out it seemed, but I had nowhere to go - and he knew it. He behaved horribly, purposfully kept me up all night blasting music, ran the electric bill (that was in my name) sky high on purpose by running a space heater out the master bathroom window (he had holed up in the master bedroom).

When the breaker would trip he would go flick it back on and keep running it. I was afraid he was gonna cause a fire. It was a nightmare...and he didn't want the house (I had paid off the mortgage + all his debts a year after he had bought it), he just was gonna make me pay him to get out of it, and he suceeded. He cost me $50,000.00 more just to get rid of him! Most of this was because he presented himself as the wronged party because I was filing for divorce from him - a divorce he claimed he didn't want!

The abuse would have been hard to prove and because our marriage had been so brief (like yours) my lawyer told me that the judge would likely have very little sympathy for me regarding how mean he had been anyway. A "you made your bed" kind of thing with him claiming I had done it all just to steal his house....nevermind that I had sold a house that was worth much more when I moved to be near him.
If I used the fact that I had supported him throughout our entire marriage then I opened up the possibility of having to pay him spousal support!

So, I settled....and this is why I say your stbx did you a favor.

I am glad you are in counceling.....I have to ask...did the councelor advise you guys against getting married back then?

I'm not trying to be a smartass, EVERYONE advised me against marrying my last one. I did it anyway. Did you?
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Old 11-02-2013, 04:06 PM   #36
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

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Yeah...

You know, for someone who was all set to leave her as soon as you could, you certainly are bitter about her leaving you first. I mean, she kinda did you a favor, right?
Not only do you not have to get a judge to decide who gets to stay in your home, but you will be more sympathetic appearing to the court because you appear to be the wronged party.

My ex...he wouldn't budge. He was determined to drive me out it seemed, but I had nowhere to go - and he knew it. He behaved horribly, purposfully kept me up all night blasting music, ran the electric bill (that was in my name) sky high on purpose by running a space heater out the master bathroom window (he had holed up in the master bedroom).

When the breaker would trip he would go flick it back on and keep running it. I was afraid he was gonna cause a fire. It was a nightmare...and he didn't want the house (I had paid off the mortgage + all his debts a year after he had bought it), he just was gonna make me pay him to get out of it, and he suceeded. He cost me $50,000.00 more just to get rid of him! Most of this was because he presented himself as the wronged party because I was filing for divorce from him - a divorce he claimed he didn't want!

The abuse would have been hard to prove and because our marriage had been so brief (like yours) my lawyer told me that the judge would likely have very little sympathy for me regarding how mean he had been anyway. A "you made your bed" kind of thing with him claiming I had done it all just to steal his house....nevermind that I had sold a house that was worth much more when I moved to be near him.
If I used the fact that I had supported him throughout our entire marriage then I opened up the possibility of having to pay him spousal support!

So, I settled....and this is why I say your stbx did you a favor.

I am glad you are in counceling.....I have to ask...did the councelor advise you guys against getting married back then?

I'm not trying to be a smartass, EVERYONE advised me against marrying my last one. I did it anyway. Did you?
I'm not contesting anything and we already figured out who gets what and she doesn't want to live here because she can't afford to. I was saying waiting 60 days was not needed in our case since we both want the divorce and have nothing to contest.The only thing wants is her last name restored,which is ok with me. There was some debt I could have her pay but decided I will just take care of. There is nothing on in her name here,that changed the week she left and I had everything turned on in my name.

I won't need a lawyer and waste money I don't have when this is a pretty easy divorce. All she needs to do now is get her stuff and we'll never see each other again. I don't have to go to court if I don't respond and that is what I have decided to do. Not going to make a big deal out of this when it is pretty cut and dry that we are better off this way.

We did kind of marry faster then we expected to and that was a mistake. Never really talked about with anyone since it wasn't planned.We just went and got the marriage license and then went and got married.Stupid to do it now that I look back on it but one mistake I won't make again. Marriage isn't for me and I won't do it again. I hear of people doing it several times and I can't figure out why anyone would after a few times. Once done it for me.

So anyways,the divorce should be final before the end of the year maybe the first few weeks of next depending on the holidays.I'm not going to press any issues with it even though there are things I could ask for. It's just better to be left alone to keep her away.
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Old 11-02-2013, 04:41 PM   #37
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I wouldnt wait the 60 days. Draft a stipulated judgment, meet at the courthouse and sign and you are done.
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:15 PM   #38
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

LSL is right. Like pulling a bad tooth.... just get it over with..
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Old 11-02-2013, 06:54 PM   #39
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

I wasn't aware I could do that. I'll put it on my to do list for monday and get it done. The sooner the better. Thanks for that advice.
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Old 11-04-2013, 05:53 PM   #40
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Went this morning and it's mandatory we have to wait 60 days. So I am counting down the days! Dec 29th can't come soon enough.
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Old 11-14-2013, 10:45 PM   #41
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Got papers in the mail today and go to court Dec 30th. It does give me the option to sign off and not contest but there is 1 thing that needs to be taken care and I have to dispute to get her to pay her half of it. I am turning it in within a few weeks.I need to write up a statement and take it in so they can get it sorted before court.
I'm staying strong and not caving to anything she wants from me. But she refuses to come and get her stuff so I will mention it in court that she needs to come and get her stuff since she no longer lives here. She has taken things to far and I no longer want to do anything that will benefit her. She left,she needs to take her stuff now. Not sure how that is going to work out but hopefully the judge gives her a date to have everything out before I allowed to dispose of it myself. Everything has remained where it was when she left.
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Old 01-02-2014, 04:09 AM   #42
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Divorce is done,things are settled. Time to close that part of my life for good.
I did not ask for visits with my exSD. We came to an agreement in just a few minutes or the Judge was going to reschedule for a later date.
I didn't get what I asked but neither did she since it was settled.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:09 PM   #43
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Breakups and Revenge


Revenge Your Ex

Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like "Get Revenge On Your Ex"
for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.

So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on.

The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It's much
better to show you are indifferent and don't care.

According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, "The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful.

I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia." says Agee, "The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.

I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don't look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering." This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself.

Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship.

Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:

Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.

Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.

Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence.

Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don't let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women.

Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don't sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you've been putting off.

Don't start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don't drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don't drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.

Don't sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed.

Don't binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
attracted to.

Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!
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Old 06-22-2017, 05:13 AM   #44
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Things will get better. Keep you chin up!
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Old 08-31-2017, 09:10 AM   #45
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Default Re: Getting divorced.

Hello
I know its hard when someone is going away, but I learnt if someone will leave you that's mean for some reason he/she don't want to be with you or just find another person. That's why family members should support each other. If there is any problem they should do this together as a family no one of the just give up on this. Feel sorry for you, but don't worry, now you are sad but soon you will be happy and full of life :-)
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