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Old 01-26-2005, 08:42 AM   #1
dsj2005
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HI,
I have posted before and just wanted some more advise. I am 40 years old, a four year old girl, one due in march, and separted for two months. I have no family here, my husband and I moved here 6 years ago. I have a couple girlfriends with kids that I hang out with and they are helpful. I can't rely on them all the time though. I had a wonderful first pregnancy, but now i just had an ultrasound with the second and need extensive testing b/c I was having contractions. Too early for that, I am only 33 weeks. So now I have to have tests 2x a week x 3 weeks. I am an avid exerciser, 7 days a week, which is what really helped me during the separation mentally, but now I cannot even do that. I must take it easy, which is hard b/c I am so active. I have been with my husband for 20 years, we were married for 11 of them, and this decision of his to end the marriage was a shock to me. There was no abuse, infidelity, or anything like that. It was more of a communication problem, no compromising on my part. I was a stay at home mom with everything i could ask for and he feels I didn't appreciate him. Anyway, he hasn't started proceedings, wants to wait till after the birth. He will support them financially very well, I know that, and will spend the time with them, he is a great dad, but I don't know how I will cope emotionally when I see him. I am seeing a counselor, but even that is hard to do b/c of no sitter. I schedule around preschool but that does not always work. I just want to find a single mothers support group and have had absolutely no luck in my area. there have got to be single mothers in this area of tyngsboro, westford, even Nashua, NH. Does anyone have any ideas? I know about parents without partners, but that is about 25 minutes away and when I spoke to them, alot of the people have kids that are older. I want someone with kids that are my kids ages, someone I can relate to and see how they cope with little ones, not kids that are older and more independent. Anyway, i don't know what this birth will bring to my relationship with my husband, if it will bring him back or push him away, he seems to be going thru a mid life crisis of not being able to deal with the pressures of his high powered job and the two kids. He won't seek counseling so there is nothing that I can do about that. He has always been such a decent, moral, ethical, caring, giving person. I don't see how he can walk out on everything we had, but he says he isn't happy and feels that having another kid just wasn't a good idea (too late now), he wanted us to do more together as a couple and feels now there is no way to do that b/c of the new baby's arrival. He is upset b/c he feels like he wanted to retire at 55 and now he can't b/c of college costs. I think he is resentful of the whole situation, all the issues that are involved and even though the kids will get older and we can vacation like he wants then, he doesn't feel he can or wants to wait and deal with it in the meantime. again, any advise, books, etc. that you can suggest will be appreciatee
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Old 01-26-2005, 08:42 AM   #2
dsj2005
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HI,
I have posted before and just wanted some more advise. I am 40 years old, a four year old girl, one due in march, and separted for two months. I have no family here, my husband and I moved here 6 years ago. I have a couple girlfriends with kids that I hang out with and they are helpful. I can't rely on them all the time though. I had a wonderful first pregnancy, but now i just had an ultrasound with the second and need extensive testing b/c I was having contractions. Too early for that, I am only 33 weeks. So now I have to have tests 2x a week x 3 weeks. I am an avid exerciser, 7 days a week, which is what really helped me during the separation mentally, but now I cannot even do that. I must take it easy, which is hard b/c I am so active. I have been with my husband for 20 years, we were married for 11 of them, and this decision of his to end the marriage was a shock to me. There was no abuse, infidelity, or anything like that. It was more of a communication problem, no compromising on my part. I was a stay at home mom with everything i could ask for and he feels I didn't appreciate him. Anyway, he hasn't started proceedings, wants to wait till after the birth. He will support them financially very well, I know that, and will spend the time with them, he is a great dad, but I don't know how I will cope emotionally when I see him. I am seeing a counselor, but even that is hard to do b/c of no sitter. I schedule around preschool but that does not always work. I just want to find a single mothers support group and have had absolutely no luck in my area. there have got to be single mothers in this area of tyngsboro, westford, even Nashua, NH. Does anyone have any ideas? I know about parents without partners, but that is about 25 minutes away and when I spoke to them, alot of the people have kids that are older. I want someone with kids that are my kids ages, someone I can relate to and see how they cope with little ones, not kids that are older and more independent. Anyway, i don't know what this birth will bring to my relationship with my husband, if it will bring him back or push him away, he seems to be going thru a mid life crisis of not being able to deal with the pressures of his high powered job and the two kids. He won't seek counseling so there is nothing that I can do about that. He has always been such a decent, moral, ethical, caring, giving person. I don't see how he can walk out on everything we had, but he says he isn't happy and feels that having another kid just wasn't a good idea (too late now), he wanted us to do more together as a couple and feels now there is no way to do that b/c of the new baby's arrival. He is upset b/c he feels like he wanted to retire at 55 and now he can't b/c of college costs. I think he is resentful of the whole situation, all the issues that are involved and even though the kids will get older and we can vacation like he wants then, he doesn't feel he can or wants to wait and deal with it in the meantime. again, any advise, books, etc. that you can suggest will be appreciatee
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Old 01-26-2005, 02:28 PM   #3
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I wish I had advice for you, but I really don't. I have never been where you are. I'm not really sure that I understand what he wants the 2 of you to do as a couple now that you couldn't have done the 16 years you were together before the kids started coming. I'm a little baffled by the whole story. I suppose I would understand if I had ever been in your situation. I will, however, say that you will be able to find tons of support and advice throughout this website.

Welcome to SFV and I hope you stick around.
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Old 01-26-2005, 03:09 PM   #4
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hello dsj2005,

in a way you have found what you were looking for, a single parents support group, and one you don't need a babysitter for. Very few of us are probably 'qualified' to do counseling or provide specific advice, but I have received a lot of support this past year through SFV.
It has become a habit for me to come here regularly and listen to others, give advice when I thought it could be useful, and also to just chit chat on the forum.
My life has changed a lot, and to the better, with the help of this wonderful group of people. I have also found a few 'cyberfriends'.

So, this is just to welcome you, I am glad you came here and I hope you can stay for a while.

Myself I am 37 years old, I have a 2.5 year old son. I was never married.
The first 2 years I stayed at home with the baby and now I am working.
I find it ...well, stressfull, but it is almost a normal life, although still very lonely.

But realizing how other single parents' lives are, I have come to accept it as it is and we are very happy.
I believe you can also find a solution for your situation.
Just finding your own balance again, with the pregnancy, the confused husband (because I believe that that is what he is in the end), the older child who needs you too...

welcome !

Daniela
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Old 01-26-2005, 03:52 PM   #5
dsj2005
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thank you daniela. I plan to continue to come to this site for advice, support, etc. I hope I can get a sense of calm thru this ordeal, it's just so hard. I think of how things could have worked out for him and I and the family we could have had. Really, I had so much and it makes me sad to think I trashed it b/c I wasn't a communicator. I know it can't be all my fault, but I sure feel like most of it is. He only wanted to feel important and not left out. I wish I would have listened more but I just didn't make it my priority and now I have to suffer the consequences of raising my two daughters w//o the great dad and husband that he is. It just seems like such a waste of what could have been a great family with so much to look forward to.

I try and take one day at a time, but i am a worrier and think way far down the road, which isn't good b/c no one knows what is in store for them. I've read several divorce books and they help a bit, but nothing can prepare you for this.
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Old 01-26-2005, 04:02 PM   #6
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>>Really, I had so much and it makes me sad to think I trashed it b/c I wasn't a communicator. <<

well, I am not going to say it's surely not your fault alone, because you know that already with your conscient mind, don't you.
But you have known each other for so many years, and you have surely not changed that much..so, he chose you the way you are and that's it.

My opinion is also that, OK, it's not necessarily useful to be 'a worrier', but it's definitely good to 'think far down the road'. It's the only way, especially as a parent.mho.
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Old 01-26-2005, 10:20 PM   #7
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Hey,

First off I want to compliment you on acknowledging that you may be part of the problem. It sounds like you are willing to work at this; why won't he try counseling? It's probably paid for by your health insurance and it can't hurt. If you've only been separated for 2 months, I wouldn't completely give up on the relationship at this point...especially when you are both in such emotional states and likely to make rash decisions.

Really, I feel like I'd like to ask *him* some questions. This kid is going to stop him from retiring at 55? How is leaving the kid's mother going to help that? He wanted to spend more time with you, he can't get that because of the baby, so his solution is to spend none with you? What he's doing isn't making sense...

Later,
Bobby
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