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Old 03-05-2014, 12:56 PM   #1
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Exclamation pregnant by a married man.

i need some serious advice. i am pregnant by a married man. i knew he was married and so did he. we first became friends and it turned into something more. i never expected him to leave his wife and he never promised he would leave her. we didnt use any protection so i am now pregnant. he doesnt want the baby and wants me to have an abortion. his wife now knows about the baby and wants me to get rid of it. he initially said that he would support either decision i made as far as keeping it or getting rid of it. i went to the abortion clinic twice and both times i walked out without getting procedure done. i just dont feel right getting rid of my baby and i will raise it alone if i have to. he said that if i keep it i will be fighting his wife about custody and things like if i need milk ill have to go through her. now i understand that by her being his wife she will have some input but i didnt lay down with her so why am i only battling her for custody of my child? i know i was wrong for engaging in a affair with a married man but the abortion isnt going to make things better as he has said he would continue to be with me if i didnt have the baby. the error was in sleeping with him not this innocent baby. why do people only blame the other person as some women are the cheating parties in the marriage. these people are aware that they are married and yet they still go astray and then when stuff hits the fan they tell the person they made promises to that they dont want their families ruined. well no one was thinking of that during the affair but now its an issue?
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

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Originally Posted by Serenity14 View Post
i need some serious advice. i am pregnant by a married man. i knew he was married and so did he. we first became friends and it turned into something more. i never expected him to leave his wife and he never promised he would leave her. we didnt use any protection so i am now pregnant. he doesnt want the baby and wants me to have an abortion. his wife now knows about the baby and wants me to get rid of it. he initially said that he would support either decision i made as far as keeping it or getting rid of it. i went to the abortion clinic twice and both times i walked out without getting procedure done. i just dont feel right getting rid of my baby and i will raise it alone if i have to. he said that if i keep it i will be fighting his wife about custody and things like if i need milk ill have to go through her. now i understand that by her being his wife she will have some input but i didnt lay down with her so why am i only battling her for custody of my child? i know i was wrong for engaging in a affair with a married man but the abortion isnt going to make things better as he has said he would continue to be with me if i didnt have the baby. the error was in sleeping with him not this innocent baby. why do people only blame the other person as some women are the cheating parties in the marriage. these people are aware that they are married and yet they still go astray and then when stuff hits the fan they tell the person they made promises to that they dont want their families ruined. well no one was thinking of that during the affair but now its an issue?
To point out the obvious to the bold italic print, you knew he was married too. You had just as much involvement in it progressing into a pregnancy as he did.

But you know that.

I don't know legalities in this type of situation, LSL may.

But my initial thought's would be to prepare yourself to raise this child alone.
I would advise against believing anything said by him at this point.
How can you trust anything he say's? Believe anything he promise's?

Also, it's not the wife's fault her husband strayed. That's all on him. Period.
She may have contributed to his loneliness or sexual frustration. But that is by no means a hall pass to go sleep with whomever you want to.

**Also, be forewarned. We are a caring, supportive bunch. But a lot of the single parent's here are single parent's because a spouse decided to stray.

It may all sound harsh, but your initial post is coming across as pissed off because it didn't turn out and isn't going to play out, how you had hoped...at some point

I also want to add that I am a believer in it being the woman's choice. The future of this child coming to be, has to be your choice to make. You are the one that will have to live with whatever you decide.
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:21 PM   #3
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

by no means am i blaming her. and i didnt think he was going to leave her to be with me and my baby and i never asked him to. what im saying is we both knew what we were doing when we slept together. so why when something goes wrong is killing the baby the first thing anyone thinks of? does aborting it make the situation any better? i am prepared to raise the baby alone. i am the one who wants to keep it because again i dont feel right aborting it because of my mistake.
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:32 PM   #4
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Hi, I do appreciate that you admit it was a mistake, the hard thing will be realizing how much it has and will affect other people.
OK, you did something wrong. And you are not taking it out on the baby, he or she had no say and will be dependent on you. The best thing you can do is to move on and focus on your baby.
As for the rights of the father he does have them, he can go to court and get rulings. As for his wife's rights.... I imagine she has little to none, check with your lawyer.
I am just a male, but I'd say get Pre-Natal care and a Lawyer.
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Old 03-05-2014, 02:29 PM   #5
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

I'm a little dumbfounded by your seeming to be surprised by any of this. But skipping all of the obvious, what do you do now?

It sounds like you want to keep the baby and it is your decision, plain and simple. Right now it belongs to you and you get to decide what happens to it. Some of that changes after birth. I'm a man so I hate to say this, but he made his decision when you two had sex. As for the wife, you are not responsible for her emotions or desires and she'll have to deal with his decisions or move on.

Do you have the means and support to raise the baby without the father? If so, I might not even list a fathers name on the birth certificate. I might decide to make him fight for his rights if he wants to. Sometimes it seems better to have no coparent than one who is half in. (though I am not a legal expert, you would need to consult a lawyer on this).

So I would suggest a bit of soul searching followed by talking to your family and friends if they are supportive. And as Dad1st mentioned see a doctor and seek legal advice. To be quite honest, everyone else is along for the ride at this point!
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Old 03-05-2014, 02:49 PM   #6
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

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Old 03-05-2014, 03:16 PM   #7
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

I agree with Trebor on many points.

Generally only the biological parents have rights over a child. Thus, his wife has no direct rights. However, she could prod him into doing things in his name because that's what SHE wants, and that could happen as he's the baby's biological father.

So yes, if you want to avoid trouble and can go without support, don't put him on the BC.

But this line here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serenity14 View Post
he said that if i keep it i will be fighting his wife about custody and things like if i need milk ill have to go through her.
Leads me to believe you do need his help, and possibly he has been helping you financially. And unfortunately it sounds like getting that support will be a huge hurdle.... dad has equal standing for custody of baby, too- so if he wants to take it this far, he could try.

But I don't know how the wife would feel about that.

This whole situation is bizarre to me.
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:12 PM   #8
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

I want to say that I did not read your message as mad or bitter, or that you lean on him financially. I have seen way to many men make those accusations at women when they realize they could be on the hook for child support.
I am not an attorney in California, so you need to consult one there. However, here is my understanding of the law in that state.

His name is not the birth certificate -- he has no rights until he petitions the court for paternity, custody, parenting time, and/or child support. The presumption is joint custody in California.

It is presumed, until challanged, that you have legal custody of the child that you give birth to.

The MOMENT you file for child support, all things can go whacky. If he so desired, he could petition the court for custody, parenting time, and/or child support. Or he might just let it go to default and never pay, or be garnished. If a child support order is done and entered, then again, the mother is presumed to have custody.

Only the father petitioning the court can overcome that.

Will you have to deal with the wife? She has no "standing" to sue you for custody. So legally, she cannot initiate a petition for custody, your ex bf has to do that. But can she bankroll it, and is she ultimately the one that may pull the strings -- yes.

Do you have documentation that he (and she) had demanded an abortion? Text messages, facebook, emails? I recently had a case where the father demanded the mother have the pregnancy aborted. Then he took off. Missed the first year of the kids life. Mom remarried and wanted to move out of state and the arse slapped a petition for custody and order prohibited the move on her. This information was used, in conjunction with father's absence, by the judge to award sole custody to mom, allow her to move away, and limit the parenting time that father had with the little girl. Some judges care about those things, some do not.

I get your overall point though. You owed NO ALLIEGENCE to the wife. He did. He is the one that promised her forever and promised to keep and hold sacred his marital vows. She should be roasting him a new one, not you. I have never understood why women attach the other women. It assumes to an extent, that the man was helpless in the face of the other woman's "seduction." Poppycock.
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Old 03-05-2014, 09:14 PM   #9
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

i do have text messages from her saying she wanted the baby gone. i have since talked to him since posting this and i explained to him that i am keeping my baby. i also told him that he and i need to sit down and come to an agreement about who will have the baby and when. i said that we dont need to go to a court to make that decision as i wouldnt stop him from seeing the baby. i explained that i shouldnt and wouldnt be fighting his wife over a baby we made he and i agreed to write out a agreement and get it notorized i believe that will be good in the event that somewhere down the line drama does occur and we do end up in court. i am sorry for hurting her and will remember this forever but i know i made the right decision in not aborting my baby. it didnt feel right and i couldnt be pressured into doing something i didnt feel deep in my heart was right. my mistake was in laying down with him not this innocent baby.

i am aware that some women feel it is right and i dont judge them for that. because each person reacts differently to things.

and to those who think i depend on him financially. i dont. he may pay when we go to restaurants but he doesnt soley financially support me as i have two jobs that i work so i dont totally depend on him.
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Old 03-05-2014, 09:58 PM   #10
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Uh........ getting a notarized statement will not help you. At all. If he is on the birth certificate, he has equal right to the baby. If he is going to be in the child's life, you need a court order. A notarized statement is not going to help get said child back if he decides to one day not return the child to you after a visit. A notarized statement is not enforceable. You NEED something enforceable.

You could co-petition the court. That would mean you both agree to the terms and it is formalized in a judgment and filed with the courts. That is the route I would go. Not sure about in California, but in my state, we have mediators that will meet with you, work out the details and give you a parenting plan that you can co-file.
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Old 03-05-2014, 10:04 PM   #11
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Ok I will go the route you are suggesting. Because I want to be able to share custody but i don't want to take that chance of him not returning my baby back to me. Thanks for the great advice. It is greatly appreciated
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Old 03-05-2014, 10:39 PM   #12
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Listen to LSL, get a Court Order signed by a Judge. See that it includes orders to Law Enforcement. I have dealt with situations where we have not been able to do anything about one parent not returning the child or taking the child... And I have had cases where there has been a Court Order from out of state and we were able to enforce it.

Hang in there, as for custody issues, try to stay away from emotions, be professional and business like.
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Old 03-05-2014, 10:51 PM   #13
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Yes I will listen to Lsl. That is very good advice that is being provided. I just can't take chances with my baby not being returned when he is supposed to
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Old 03-06-2014, 12:43 AM   #14
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

I am an attorney and I do family law, just not in your state. So I would DEFINITELY call and find a family law attorney that will give a free consultation to see what works in your jurisdiction (state). In my state, the court cannot award joint or shared custody. I do know that California does do it. Sometimes joint custody makes it easier for the dad who did not want the child, to become a co-parent.
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Old 03-06-2014, 01:04 AM   #15
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

I looked up some family law attorneys and will call then tomorrow. Right now it doesn't seem as if he even wants joint custody but visitations only but after reading your suggestions I'm not taking any chances
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Old 03-12-2014, 12:35 PM   #16
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Sounds like you got some really good advice here. I don't have anything to add, except, good luck!!! I know this is hard, but you will know once you hold your precious bundle in your arms (maybe not the first time, it took me a couple of days....but it did happen) that to you the child is EVERYTHING!!! Suddenly, you will find that the boyfriend isn't so important to you anymore, you will wonder why you ever did what you did, but never regret that you did because it gave you your greatest joy.....at least that is how it happened for me.

Like a quote I heard in a movie that I really liked:

"There are no accidents" (Everything happens for a reason)
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Old 03-12-2014, 08:40 PM   #17
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

I already love my baby which is why I didn't get rid of him. My focus is on my baby and being the best mom I can be. He says he will help support the baby. Everything does happen for a reason. So no regrets
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Old 07-19-2016, 07:21 AM   #18
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Default Re: pregnant by a married man.

Sounds like you got some really good advice here. I don't have anything to add, except, good luck!
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