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Old 12-11-2014, 02:32 PM   #1
ldoo Female
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Default What would you do?

I just realized I posted my whole big issue in possibly the wrong post. So let's try this.

I have two little girls, ages 4 and 6. My ex and I have shared custody, although I have slightly more than half. But legally - it's shared.

So I have a "What would you do?" scenario:

Ex is required to pay me just about $100 a month because he makes more money than me. That amount will assuredly go up as earns more over the years (I work for the state, so you can imagine how often I get raises).

Even though this amount of money means nothing to him - and it in no way affects my/my kids' life on a daily basis - it's really important to ex that he not have to pay more just because he earns more.

I know, I know. You're all saying, "Too bad. So sad. That's the system."

But here's the rub: He refuses to communicate (blocked me from texting him), won't let me on his property, makes it clear that he doesn't like mommy, and will in no way discuss schedules or anything regarding the girls' well-being. He really is one of your worst examples of an ex-husband. He's awful. Why? Because he is MAD and the "injustice" that he should have to pay me that silly $100.

He swears - and has proven so recently - that his anger will go away and he will communicate/co-parent like I need if I don't go after that money.

Yah, it's basically extortion.

BUT, what would you do? Choose the money that is rightfully yours and have peace (I'm aware that he could go back to mean-guy at any moment, but I also feel like he's sincere) OR take the money but deal with the worst co-parent and tons of court appeals for the next 14 years?

HELP!!
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Old 12-11-2014, 02:54 PM   #2
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Default Re: What would you do?

I think only you know the answer to this question, but threatening to withhold child support as a guarantee to be a positive co-parent is just words. and nasty words at that.

There is no guarantee that he will act like a good person just because he's not paying child support, and further, that he is threatening to act like a cad because of child support speaks loudly about his character.

What does your attorney say?

In high conflict divorces, I think it's best to stick to your court order and follow through. in time, things may become better, and you can move for flexibility then.

Until then, keep your boundaries strong and follow what the court has ordered.

Lastly, refusing to communicate with you about childcare/schedules is not in the best interest for the children. Document any and all attempts to communicate and co-parent and seek the advice of your attorney. He is seriously dropping the ball on being a parent, regardless of the $$ issue.
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Old 12-11-2014, 04:25 PM   #3
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Default Re: What would you do?

First, coersion is a crime.

Second, this type of behavior is what has parents lose shared custody. Me? Stick to your court order and document, document, document. Have an attorney on retainer and be prepared to move on his choices and the consequences of them if need be.

None of this looks good to a family law court judge. Believe me. I went to trial last week on something similar and that father is now seeing his children on a supervised basis.
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Old 12-11-2014, 05:02 PM   #4
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Default Re: What would you do?

personally, any choice you choose to do, should be solely on what you need for your child and not have him part of the equation at all.

regardless if the choice benefits him or not.

I have found over the years that a buthead is going to be a buthead regardless of the excuse they use.

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:30 PM   #5
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Default Re: What would you do?

i dont believe it is right for him as a father to threaten you like that. as a father he should pay that because it is right and its not a major amount. for the sake of the children im glad that you are being cordial and trying to make an effort to communicate with him. i think its sad when a parent puts children in adult business because they are mad or disagree with the ex spouse. as someone previously said document everything if you can and you can show the courts that evidence and hopefully it will get better
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Old 12-17-2014, 05:37 PM   #6
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Default Re: What would you do?

It appears that a court order has already been given, whether you went to trial or settled outside of court and had the judge sign off. There may be a time frame where you cannot adjust child support (say three years after the initial divorce) and it may be that your lawyer will require a full retainer to go after the money (modify child support). personally, when my three year mark is up, I will pursue a review of child support and will motion to modify ( am a father receiving child support) with no concern about my relationship with the kids' mother. If you are looking for answers, consult a lawyer so that you know what you can and cannot do.
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Old 12-17-2014, 11:04 PM   #7
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Default Re: What would you do?

Stick to the court order. If he complains just point out it's the judges ruling. Here as the residential parent I don't have to do anything to update child support. The court does it. I don't have to file. I just sit back and le the court collect and send the money to my household account.
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Old 12-21-2014, 11:56 AM   #8
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Default Re: What would you do?

My ex's mom just suggested that if my ex didn't have the money hanging over his head then he would be able to focus on our daughter and he would let go of his anger and be able to co-parent with me. Our current situation is that he lives in Germany and hadn't seen our dd in over 3 years until I brought her to Germany just a few weeks ago. He had no contact with her in over a year, he didn't reach out once. I believe my former MIL has good intentions, though she is completely deluded. The CS order ($600 currently) is NOT the reason he has no contact with her. Skype is free and so are emails. Anyway...my point is, take the emotion and his promises out of the equation and honor the court order. Take care of "your side of the street" so to speak. Document everything. Good luck!
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Old 01-01-2015, 10:05 AM   #9
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Default Re: What would you do?

$100 dollars a month and about 15 more years of stress and disfunction in your family unit or no $100 a month and possibly peace and amicability among everyone?? You said you believed he is sincere and would not be a jerk if he didn't have to pay that small amount. No one is in your shoes but you. Is it worth $100 a month??? Perhaps you both could make a compromise....offer to have the $100 a month go into a trust fund or college fund for the kids.
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Old 01-13-2015, 11:25 AM   #10
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Default Re: What would you do?

Wow sounds like my ex. He is b*tt hurt over the fact that he has to pay child support every month and that when our child goes to the doctor or dentist and whatever is not covered by insurance is half of his responsibility. He feels that since he pays child support he doesn't have to pay anything above that. I have let him off the hook at the beginning but realized he is still a jerk and I stick to the court order and bring him back to court when he decides to be b*tt hurt about it again.
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Old 01-14-2015, 08:25 PM   #11
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Default Re: What would you do?

my ex get's 1200 a month as a result of her turning the kids against me right after the divorce in which she cheated which was the least of the issues with her. Now that the kids are back with me half the time I am going back to have it adjusted. She does not buy the kids anything. I pay for their clothes, hair cut for son, big bills for daughter hair stylist, sports lessons, etc. The mother contributes nothing. When the kids are at her house they stay in their room because the second boyfriend is always drunk and no different then the first. The kids love their mom but don't know who she is anymore. She has spent a lot of money at the casinos and on tattoos for her and the boyfriend. She is pathetic. I don't feel any sorrow for her when I get the money back. I will say as a father it kills me that I am the responsible one but the state still requires me to pay her when she does not use the money for the kids. I will say if you go back for more money he most likely will become the biggest ___. Remember the money is for the kids not the parents so if you have them all the time you should get what they deserve.
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Old 01-14-2015, 11:36 PM   #12
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Default Re: What would you do?

just let the Dept of Child Support handle it, ti file when not on the welfare system is just a few dollars, like 25.oo and they don't handle custody or anything else but child support, that he would have to do and it would be in a different court in most situations. Then you can just let the state do what they do for child support.

if you does get any energy to file in family court, he will have to show proof that you are an unfit mother, thus as long as you are, you can get help @ any court house and they will let you know what you can do, usually they have Legal Help Centers and/or a library, you may even meet a legal student to guild you there studying.

I personally found, that not having my ex part of my equation in my decisions help me focus on my priority (my children), and helped not confuse the issues of what they deserved and is theirs.
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