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Old 11-27-2015, 09:45 AM   #1
valkyrie Female
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Default Help please

I will keep this as brief as possible because I could literally write a book about this entire nightmare and no one has time for that

I am in a relationship with an amazing guy who has a child with his ex wife. His marriage to her was pretty much a joke, and when things started to get really bad she winds up pregnant. Surprise surprise.

I have been best friends with him for almost a decade, we helped each other through our divorces and wound up together. It really is much more of a fairy tale story than that but the nightmare of what our relationship has turned into overshadows it.

Here is my issue; he absolutely WILL NOT cut his ex out of the picture. All throughout the beginning of our relationship he would lie to me and mislead me. He would promise me to handle her drama and then do the exact opposite and do pretty much whatever she wanted because she has him completely brainwashed that she can take away his kid at the flip of a switch.

He gave her all his money, to the extent where we were in danger of being able to just pay our bills. I had to take out a loan against my vehicle just to pay for a lawyer because he didn't file first when he had the chance (and the money). He would do everything she demanded to keep her happy just so he could see his kid for a mere few hours a week.

He lied to me about getting a DNA test done in the hospital when his kid was born, even though his ex was known for cheating on him. He promised me during the court proceedings that he would do whatever he could to get her out of the picture legally and still be able to see his kid. When we did get visitation, she would literally feed the baby food to intentionally make her get sick right before we would get her so the visits were a constant screaming, throwing up nightmare of an experience. You think he did anything about it? Nope. He is scared to death of standing up to her because she has him convinced she will take away the kid. We are now going on two years of this ____.

I have been misled, flat out lied to, or just completely left out of the loop and yet i am still expected to drop everything I am doing and surround this little child with all the love in the world and ignore the fact that his ex is making MY life miserable?! I have been harassed, stalked in the grocery, people showing up at my house randomly, subpoenaed to court, you name it and I've been the situational punching bag.

He has made improvements, he took me along on pickups and dropoffs for a while but that didn't help because instead of hearing about the exchanges I got to see him still kissing her feet in person. I refused to continue going.

He has NO reason to continue to pacify her, yet he does.

She threatens him with going back to court so he will do whatever she wants.

He promised me months ago to stop responding to her and answering her texts if it didn't pertain to pickups and dropoffs or the kid was in the hospital, you think that has happened? No.

I cannot continue a relationship with someone who can't handle his ex for another 16 years this way.

I love him more than anything but I cannot handle this. I have done everything, I sat back and allowed him to lie and mislead me and I continued to give him chance after chance to make it right. But I am getting to the point where enough is enough. Please, someone tell me that you have been through this and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 11-27-2015, 11:11 AM   #2
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Default Re: Help please

Welcome to SFV. Doesn't sound like she is your only problem.
Yea been through it but I didn't move in with or marry him. And we didn't last.

No other advice really. But if he has lied and mislead you...not sure why you're still there.

I know it's hard. But you can't change anyone. Not even him.
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Old 11-27-2015, 11:23 AM   #3
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Default Re: Help please

Honestly I am here still because he makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life. The only thing that has ever caused a fight or anxiety is how he handles this situation, or how he doesn't handle it I suppose.

He has offered to walk away from the kid completely for me, but I know what that will do to him and I can't let him do that.

He honestly feels like he is doing everything he can to make me feel better about this, but he doesn't understand that every time he breaks a promise to me it feels like the dagger is digging deeper and deeper, even if it is just something as stupid as replying to a text message from her. In my mind a promise is a promise, but I guess to him there are conditional rules.

I just can't take this stress anymore and I certainly don't want to do this when the kid is old enough to realize what is going on.
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Old 11-28-2015, 04:49 AM   #4
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Default Re: Help please

I'm sorry but I can't relate to this post at all. I couldn't be with a man who would even offer to walk away from his child for me. That's repulsive.

I'm sure the relationship is difficult but that's the child's mother. Trying to "push her out of the picture" is selfish on your part. Nothing you have mentioned except perhaps the feeding of food before visits so the baby will throw up ( I don't understand why this is intentional, maybe that's the baby's schedule, why is it a given she will throw up?) says to me she's an unfit parent. So you want to shove the child's mother out of the child's life because YOU can't handle how your partner interacts with her.

The truth is your role in their relationship should be limited. Sorry, it's harsh, but it's the life of a step parent. Nobody said it was easy. But frankly you and he need attitude adjustments. Mom isn't perfect I'm sure. But sounds like you both are going about this all wrong for the CHILD.
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Old 11-30-2015, 09:32 AM   #5
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Default Re: Help please

Well if not wanting to be harassed is selfish then so be it. It comes down to what is best for the child, you are right. And having a child witness hostility from their mother to their father every single interaction is not going to help. But shes the mother so she gets a pass right? Thats basically what you are saying. I want her out because she is making the situation exponentially worse and she is not capable of handling this in a non-confrontational manner.

I appreciate the input anyway.
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Old 12-01-2015, 03:58 PM   #6
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Default Re: Help please

I do agree with CF in regards to him being willing to walk away.
I can also see your side or what you're saying.

From my view, I am not sure why you would want to be with someone who by your own admission has lied and kept things from you. Also, if you were to have a child with this man, but he seems to be putting you two in financial hardship (giving her money which causes hard ship for you guys).

I know you love him, but it doesn't seem like he has any of his priorities in order and hasn't yet 'cut the cord' so to speak with his ex. It's a fine line to walk, trying to balance communication with the ex in regards to the child, and a more personal interaction with an ex.

There is, imo, a difference between you handling it, and him handling it, and it doesn't sound like he is at all......
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:01 PM   #7
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Default Re: Help please

Hi Valkyrie,

Unfortunately, their child is always going to be a priority for him, and therefore, no matter what, the mom will be in his life. It would be nicer if he had better boundaries and was healthy about it, but it sounds like he's not ready for that.

So, no, it's not okay that he doesn't stand up for himself and doesn't respect boundaries with her, but that is HIS lesson to learn and HIS conclusion that he needs to come to on his own.

Unfortunately, no one person can change another person--especially if that person is incapable of changing or can't accept there needs to be changes.

This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him a person with serious challenges.

From what I can tell, you have a decision to make--there is no guarantee that he will change in the way that you need him to change, and p.s. did he ever take a paternity test? And so...your choice is, can you accept him for who he is, how he behaves, right now?

Again, I'm not saying he is right or acting in a healthy way. I"m just saying, the evidence before you is that he will continue to behave the way he is behaving. You have two years of proof behind you to show you this is the case.

If you want to stay with him, you have to think about your own boundaries (i.e. no ride alongs for drop offs and pick ups is a good boundary). maybe some financial boundaries too, i.e. he needs to help pay off that loan you took, etc. etc.

being a stepparent is totally tough. You have to do what is best for the child, and put yourself second to the child, and that's hard.

i think you have some tough decisions to make. good luck to you!!
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