Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Problem with his STEP-daughter! - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!
         


Go Back   Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices >
(``'·.¸(``'·.¸ Relationships¸.·'´´)¸.·'´´)
> Dating & Relationships


~ Donate Today ~ PLEASE
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-01-2011, 08:29 PM   #1
rockermom Female
I am New
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 3
Rep Power: 0
rockermom is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Problem with his STEP-daughter!

Hi, everyone! I'm new here and I have a situation that I could use some support with.

I've been seeing a man for 6 months. Things are going really well. We are both divorcing mentally abusive spouses. His wife basically used him for financial gain, then dumped him for another man as soon as she had bled him dry. My divorce is further along than his, but we will both be divorced soon, and are very much in love. We have introduced our biological kids, and everyone seems happy.

Tonight, I was hurt by his step-daughter and his sister. The step-daughter considers him the only family that she has, since her mother abandoned them both. She is in her mid-20s, and lives in a South American country normally. However, my BF has been helping her get her US citizenship. He paid for it, taxied her around to get it, and has done all of the paper work. He feels badly that she doesn't have a relationship with her mother, because when her mother cheated on my BF, Step-D took my BF's side. He treats her as a daughter. Step-D has told me horrible stories about her mother, about how she used to cheat on her biological father, in front of him, as he was dying of AIDS. The Step-D is traumatized, and is currently in therapy.

Last night, the kids and I spent the night at BF's house, along with his friends. The friends, BF, and I stayed up late playing cards. Step-D only played one hand, and BF's sister didn't play at all.

Today, the kids, the friends, BF, and I continued to hang out and play cards. After the friends left at around 5 PM, BF and I went to his room to take a nap, then watch TV. The kids played their Wii in the living room for 1.5 hours while we were doing this.

Suddenly, Step-D and the sister burst into the room. They tell BF that he is selfish for not allowing his sister to play cards with us (not true, she was invited). Step-D accuses me of abusing my kids by leaving them alone while I was in BF's room. She said it didn't matter that we were napping and watching TV; they were traumatized, and she knows because she went through it. Step-D then looked at BF, and said, "You have only known her (meaning me) for 6 months. Don't make the same mistake that you have already made." I was so hurt, that I packed the kids up and left ASAP.

I think that the Step-D is upset that my kids and I may take my BF's attention away from her. I heard her tell him that she was upset that she "didn't feel special" during NYE. She's in her 20s; isn't she a little old to be expecting everyone's attention? I understand that she's been hurt, but to accuse me of being a golddigger and an abusive mom has made me really angry. And I feel that she was so upset that she got the sister wound up too. I calmly told her to have a nice trip back home (she's leaving tonight), but that I didn't appreciate the accusation that I'm a bad mom. BF totally had my back, which is a good thing. I'm surprised by this; both Step-D and the sister have previously said that I was a fantastic mom, and they are amazed at how well-behaved the kids are and how close I am to them!

I don't thing that there is any advice to be had hear, but I needed to vent. But if you guys have any ideas on how to proceed to have a relationship with these women, I'd appreciate it.
rockermom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-01-2011, 09:14 PM   #2
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 409
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Problem with his STEP-daughter!

First welcome!

Now, I was not there, but from what you have written, I am going to comment a bit here. Take it with a grain of salt or not, that's up to you... but I don't think you are going to like what I have to say.

First, Step-D and BF have an established relationship -- sounds like he is her dad. The word "step" in here, has no actual bearing. What I saw in your telling was hurt and fear for your children. Stop and think -- she didn't have to say one word. But from her experiences, she was trying to protect the younger. That is commendable. Second, every girl wants her father to make her feel special. She is going to have issues with dad moving on -- whether dad is a bio dad, or not.

I have to tell you, I am from the state, and I paused to hear that you were going to your bf's bedroom of 6 months, while kids were present, to "nap." I guess, I just would not do that. But then again, I would not be dating someone while going through a divorce. Too each their own. People will have differing opinions on what is appropriate or not.

Another thing to consider, you did not mention which South American country she is from. However, could it be a country prominently driven by Catholism? That would make a ton of sense actually.

I think you are going to have to be a lot less sensitive. She flew here to be with her dad. And that was upset by a girlfriend of a short time. She likely had expectations that were not met and was hurt.

Just because she is in her mid-20s does not negate her own needs for who she sees as her father.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-01-2011, 10:22 PM   #3
rockermom Female
I am New
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 3
Rep Power: 0
rockermom is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Problem with his STEP-daughter!

Thanks, LSL. I appreciate that you took the time to post.

I definately appreciate where the girl is coming from. The BF did not raise her, just to clarify; he married her mom when she was in college. One of the reasons why I wanted to get serious with him was because of his loyalty to the commitments that he made, including keeping her involved with the family.

She and I have similar backgrounds. Her mother and my mother could have been twins, as they behave in the exact same manner. I definately know where she is coming from, regarding feeling as though she has no parent. But that is where our similarities end. I decided to grow up early and be responsible for myself. At her age, I was already a working mother. This girl constantly looks for parental figures to take care of her needs. When I was her age, my father married my step-mother. I didn't feel one shred of jealousy about his time, even though there was very little of it for us growing up. I was happy for him that he was happy in his relationship. I love my step-mother very much.

Maybe this is just a case of two incompatible personalities, and that all I can do is remain polite and kind, but not expect any closeness. I was hoping we could be friends, but I doubt that will happen now. Telling me I'm abusing my kids crosses the line with me.

As for my dating, I don't have a problem with it. I've been separated since November of 2009. I've had enough time to mourn the loss of my marriage, and I'm ready to move on. If other people need to have the piece of paper before they can do that, that's fine. But I'm not one of those people.
rockermom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 01:53 AM   #4
babymama3210 Female
Lively & Zealous Parent
 
babymama3210's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 652
Rep Power: 116
babymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Support
Default Re: Problem with his STEP-daughter!

I think you need to stop comparing yourself so much to this girl. You are two different people. Clearly where you were in your life at her age is not where she is, but that should not make her feelings any less valid, just as yours shouldn't be. Both of you are entiltled to your feelings.

I also think you shouldn't disregard her relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn't matter when they came into each other's lives, what matters is that they have already established a relationship and a bond that is entirely whatever it is to each other and this is ok. I think you need to accept their relationship and respect it.

I agree with LSL on the napping in the different room aspect. This is my opinion, but I feel it is inapropriate to be napping (or anything more) when children are around. Maybe she felt this way too and was angered by it. Maybe this happened to her as a child and it negatively effected her.

But whatever the reason is for her outburst, I wouldn't brush off on establishing a relationship with her. If you want to be involved with this man, you need to respect her and probably should build some sort of a relationship with her. I am sure you would want the same for your kids if the situation was reversed, you want them to feel that they are worthy of that relationship.

So I think the best thing to do here is talk to her. She is an adult and so are you. Confront her on the situation and tell her you were hurt by what she said, but make sure to point out that you are unsure of what you did to upset/offend her, and would like her to inform you so you can work on that and not let it happen again. Even if you feel she is completely in the wrong, I think you need to tear this wall down before it starts getting built. Because once that wall is up you won't be able to get through, and it will absolutely negatively effect your relationship with your bf. Hopefully you will get a better appreciation and understanding for each other and be able to respect each other and talk to each other like the grown women you are when issues like this come up again in the future.
babymama3210 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 08:59 AM   #5
Dad1st4boys Male
Failure is not an Option.

 
Dad1st4boys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Western Plains area
Posts: 7,567
Rep Power: 300
Dad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of SupportDad1st4boys Has a SFV Diamond Heart of Support
Default Re: Problem with his STEP-daughter!

Babymama, does falling asleep on the couch watching TV count as napping? I maybe in trouble then
I agree napping in the same bed is not a good idea, especially when the little ones are in the house.

Rockermom, treat her the way you want to be treated. Be respectful and honest.
Dad1st4boys is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2011, 03:58 PM   #6
babymama3210 Female
Lively & Zealous Parent
 
babymama3210's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 652
Rep Power: 116
babymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportbabymama3210 Is Rocken These Boards With Support
Default Re: Problem with his STEP-daughter!

Hahaha, noo if that counted I would be just as guilty!!

I am just saying that this relationship is only 6 months new, I see Rockermom has children from various ages, and to all those ages I just feel it is inapropriate to be laying in bed with a new man (whatever you are doing) in a separate room is not ok. Even for your 17 year old, it is a bad example to be setting for him. Down to your youngest.
babymama3210 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2011, 04:42 AM   #7
happysingle1 Female
Learning to Surf The Board
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 22
Rep Power: 0
happysingle1 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Problem with his STEP-daughter!

It's good you have a forum to vent in but there is a lot of room for advice if you want it. Your BF is sponsoring this troubled and troublesome SD to come to the States. Yikes. No doubt she will be living with him and depending on him for her upkeep when she first lands here (and that could turn into months, if not years).

Did your BF intervene on your behalf? Did he discuss this with you? He is the one you need to speak to about the SD and the sister. If he doesn't have a problem with what happened then the real issue here is him, not the SD or the sister.

if that's the case you need to ask yourself if you can tolerate a relationship where you will be continually abused by the SD and the sister for the sake of having a BF.
happysingle1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Resources: youngrobin.com
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What is my problem? jtsmommy2000 Dating & Relationships 40 08-09-2017 03:44 AM
Step parent hitting the step child YJL279 Step Parenting - Open Discussions 35 02-27-2014 12:19 PM
4 year old daughter - ATTITUDE PROBLEM! ali_v_25 Infants and Toddlers: 1 - 4 13 08-12-2009 09:43 AM
My daughter wants me to be friends with her Step-Mom CincyMom Ex's 4 01-14-2009 01:54 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:37 PM.

Some parent places to visit:
A Single Parents
Parent Arium
Solo Parents
Single Parent Personal Ads



Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SoloParent
Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SingleParentsInformation
Powered by vbulletin

All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!

A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.