Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Need help, my 4 yr. old son is asking where his dad is... - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:21 PM   #1
NathanIrishmamma
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Here is the story, just recently my son has started asking about his father. He is asking me why his father isn't here?, Why mama and daddy are not together?, How come daddy doesn't live with us?, etc. I left my son's father in January 2005, he still has not seen his son since he was 11 months old. His father and I do come into contact every so often(mostly court) and we do talk peaceful and like adults. I just don't know how to handle this my son wants to see his father,but I have no way of contacting his father or trying to set up a time since the only time we talk is at court. Any advice on how to explain to my son what is going on? Or do you think it is time I sit down with his father and tell him to step up and help out with these questions?
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:35 PM   #2
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Honestly, it is hard to give an opinion without knowing why he has chosen not to see his child.

I will share a bit of my story. I left an abusive husband when my daughter was 9 months old. The court ordered supervised visitation and then pulled that when he never showed.....The court then ordered drug and alcohol treatment, parenting classes, and anger management classes. His visitation was subject to successful completion of 6 months of treatment and 3 clean UA's. This was too much trouble for my ex........

When my daughter was five, she turned to me and said, "I know why I don't see my daddy. He is just too big to fit through the door." After much soul searching I sat her down and explained that when her daddy and I got a divorce, that the judge decided daddy had to take some classes to learn how to care for her. I explained that I did not know why, but he has chosen not to take the classes. I apologized to her, hugged her, and told her that I loved her and that her daddy's choices were by no way anything to do with her.

My daughter is now 10. As she has aged, she has received more and more age appropriate information.

You can't force the father to step up. But you can be honest, in child like talk, about why your child's father decides not to see him.
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:57 PM   #3
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I left my ex for the same reason, he was abusive to only me, not to our son. He did drugs and he did have a "jack daniels" addiction. My son's father was on probation for past troubles and when I left him I told his probation officer about what had happen and she ordered him to take the same classes as your ex had too. So, when I did talk to him last he told me all about them and how in the last 3 years he has changed. He tells me the reason why he hasn't seen his son is because I got a restraining order against him on my behalf and that was his excuse not to see his son.When I have repeatedly told him that he could see his son ANYTIME he wants. He has supervised visitation with a 2 week notice to give to me when he wants to see him and he knows that, he just hasn't made any attempt. Just recently he has contacted my mother to call me and I called him back to set up a visitation time with him in August to the zoo and a week before the visit his GF called me and told me that unless I get the restraining order removed he will not see our son. The other thing is he has metion that him and his new GF are having a baby and told me laughing that the baby was due in Feb. the same month as our son. How do I explain to my son, that daddy can not be here with him and I? But, at 4 years old is this normal for him to want to see his dad? He cries to me and now I am having problems with him in K4 and at home that he tells people and family that they don't like him and love him....when all I do is response to him that everyone loves him including his dad. Do you think I should take him to see someone to talk to? And if his dad wants to be part of his life should I have the restraining order taken off and set up sometime for him to see his son? Another question is it in my right for me to ask my son's father not to bring his GF along or for her to be part of what is going on between our "family"?
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Old 11-05-2008, 11:45 PM   #4
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I am speaking from experience......not from a legal aspect here.....

My ex has said numerous times that he has changed. However, he never took the classes. And just because he abused you only, does not mean that he would not abuse your child too. This is fact, and I had to learn the hard way about that one.

I did end up taking my daughter to counseling at about that age. Part of the struggle is that you son is trying to find out who he is in relation to everyone else in the world. If Jonny's daddy brings him to K4 everyday and your son sees this. This is how it began for my daughter. She felt sincere rejection. Just keep reenforcing what a gift he is to you and point out everyone that loves him. Does his grandpa live near? Can he take him out for "man" time?

As for the new GF, I sincerely doubt you can limit this unless their are words to that effect in your custody agreement. Especially since they are having a child together which will be your son's half-sibling.

For your protection and your son's make him follow through with the court order to the letter.
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Old 11-07-2008, 08:13 AM   #5
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Thank you for your help. It really makes me understand like I am not the "only" mother going through this. I really appreciate this!
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