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Old 02-26-2007, 12:05 AM   #1
discodj79
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My daughter of 2 children one 5 and one 1 seems to think that it is the normal behavior of a single MOM to "deserve" to go out and spend the night at a male friends house. She claims it not for sex just companionship but still not come home till the morning after the 5 year old goes to school. I am the grandfather who watches her kids and takes the 5 year old to school. She Also says it is normal to let the grandparents have the kids most weekends to so she can "have a life." I disagree and say it is not the norm for that behavior and she is doing harm to the mental health of the 5 year old. The 5 year old asked me if she could have sleep-overs. So please tell me who is right. Also she does not work but does take online School. She also lives with the grandparents. If you have any question feel free to ask. Thank you all for your opinions
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Old 02-26-2007, 12:05 AM   #2
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My daughter of 2 children one 5 and one 1 seems to think that it is the normal behavior of a single MOM to "deserve" to go out and spend the night at a male friends house. She claims it not for sex just companionship but still not come home till the morning after the 5 year old goes to school. I am the grandfather who watches her kids and takes the 5 year old to school. She Also says it is normal to let the grandparents have the kids most weekends to so she can "have a life." I disagree and say it is not the norm for that behavior and she is doing harm to the mental health of the 5 year old. The 5 year old asked me if she could have sleep-overs. So please tell me who is right. Also she does not work but does take online School. She also lives with the grandparents. If you have any question feel free to ask. Thank you all for your opinions
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Old 02-26-2007, 03:08 AM   #3
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This is something that I see all to commonly around here. Many single mothers feel that it is okay to leave their children with someone else every weekend and go out partying. I don't understand it, and the basic fear that I have is that of the ones that I know that do this, their child was created because of too much "partying" and going home with some guy that they barely know. I am NOT saying this is the case in your situation, but I see it ALL THE TIME around here, and it frankly makes me want to vomit.

As far as her staying over at a male friends house....Why does it have to be an all night affair? Not only that, but why does she not come home until later hours in the morning? I would tend to bet that there is some form of sexual relations going on. I mean I am a guy, and rarely would a girl volunteer to stay the night at my house, if we weren't going to "move some furniture".

I think that acts like this are uncredited and unmerited. I do agree that EVERYONE needs a little social life and time to themselves, even single parents, but NOT every weekend. The way that I have always viewed it is, Once you have a child, your life belongs to them. You do everything for your child, and you raise your child to the best of your ability.

As you have already stated, the 5 year old sees what the mother is doing and is now wanting to partake in the sleepovers as well. Children aren't stupid. They pick up on these things, and whether your granddaughter wants to admit it or not, she is not portraying a very positive role for her children to follow in.

This is solely my opinion, and I am sure there are others that will disagree, but if I were you, I would do what ever I could to stop allowing these events to happen. She may find other ways to continue her acts, but that is not your problem. What everyone needs to be concerned about first and foremost is the children.

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Old 02-26-2007, 08:27 AM   #4
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Well let me tell you, if one of my turns up preganant(they best not) I am not going to let them party like that, do the crime do the time. No it is not normal for the grand parents to have them every week end so she can shack up. Sure it is nice to give her a break now and again, but she graduated to the real world when she had a child. Man what a deal, no work party all the time, sit at the computer every once in a while. You know bro, you can over love your grand kids. It would seem she can at least get a part time job, or even full time and start getting her life in order, she certainly has the time.
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Old 02-26-2007, 12:58 PM   #5
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Hi. I live with my mother. I have a five year old and am going to school full time. I also have a part time job. I give my mother money for rent and expenses and buy groceries for all of us as often as I can. My mother watches my daughter for me while I am at work or school. Aside from that, I rarely go out. My mother actually tells me I should go out once in a while. I just try to spend every minute I can with my daughter for two reasons.

1. She deserves a mother who is present in her life as much as possible. Not just because I have to but because I want to. And kids can tell the difference.

2. I am SO greatful for the fact that my mother allows me to live here and helps me so I can go to school and eventually be able to provide a life for my daughter and I. I dont want to place any burden on her beyond what is necessary.

I dont think it is normal or healthy for a mother to be out at clubs all the time. She has two children who did not ask to be born to her. She has a responsibility to raise them and to be responsible for them, NOT to be out sleeping around every weekend. IF I do go out, which is rare, I leave the house after I put my daughter to bed and I am home long before she wakes up in the morning.

I am not sure what you can do about this problem. You are probably the only stable influence in these kids life. I hope you can convince your daughter that she needs to stop this behavior. Maybe there are other single moms that she knows that behave this way, but it is not right.
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Old 02-26-2007, 02:46 PM   #6
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Ok, I'm new here but just wanted to put my two cents in. I'm a single mother of a 4 year old. She "sometimes" goes to her father overnight at saturday nights. That time and only that time is when I go out. I NEVER ask someone to babysit unless it's for an hour or two when I have to go to a meeting or something that my child can not attend. My parents ask to have her at their house one night a week to get some quality time in. Know what I do?? Watch non cartoon channels and sleep. What single parent even has the energy to party anymore? My daughter goes every where with me. I couldn't even imagine leaving her somewhere for a weekend so I can go out and party. Heck I hate letting her to to a sleep over ever! I think alot of single parents spend to much time trying to "find" someone new. They need to be concentrating on their children. When I met my boyfriend 2 years ago I made sure to let him know that I NEVER get a babysitter, I don't have someone watch her so we can go out and if that's a problem then I wasn't interested. Guess it wasn't a problem oh and I'm 28 (not that that makes much of a difference)
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Old 02-26-2007, 03:08 PM   #7
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I don't agree with this at all! From the time I became pregnant, I started preparing myself for the fact that my social life would be nil for several years. My daughter will stay with her father a couple times a month, and I feel this is important that she spend quality time with her father. As far as her staying with anyone else, I NEVER ask or expect this. Only on very rare occassions when I have something special going on (a friend's wedding, concert, etc.). As a matter of fact, my mother calls ME and asks to keep her overnight about once every 2-3 months.
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Old 02-26-2007, 05:44 PM   #8
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First off, Hello to all the new people that might be posting on thread. Great to have you here, Welcome.

On the topic...you know ...maybe your daughter should come to the forum...maybe leave it up and open...for her to see it.

Most women who are going out all the time..( Ok I said most..NOT ALL) ...are usually dealing with quite a bit, and going out is a way of escaping for a while. Maybe we can help somehow.
Secondly, a good man...and there lots on this site that will agree here...actually looks for a woman that is a good "Mom" to her children.

Maybe she needs to know that.

Just MHO.
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Old 02-26-2007, 09:39 PM   #9
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I am a 24 year old single mother of 3 and for me, it's not normal for my kids to stay with anyone overnight if I am not there. The first night I ever spent away from my kids was when their siblings were born and that is still the only time. Call me over protective but I think it's important for kids to know that they are THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to their parents. There will be plenty of time to "go out" when they are older.
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Old 02-26-2007, 10:01 PM   #10
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by 4strong:
it's not normal for my kids to stay with anyone overnight if I am not there..... Call me over protective but I think it's important for kids to know that they are THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to their parents. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Good Job, lady. I wholeheartedly agree...just make sure to keep yourself in healthy shape and in contact with adults or eventually you may reach a burnout stage...IMHO.
You DO have to take SOME time to do some things for YOU.
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Old 02-26-2007, 11:04 PM   #11
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I think your daughter is taking advantage of both sets of grandparents. As long as someone is willing to be there to take the kids she will keep doing it
Now, a grown person does have the right to spend the night out once in a while if they wish, if someone goes out to a club or even a drive in they close late it's not always a good idea to pick up kids in the middle of the night anyways. But every weekend is too much. Oce in a while...well, I could understand that. And if she is going to spend the night with someone, its better she is at their house rather than bring some guy around her kids that she hasn't known long.
I hate to admit it, but I had some wild times when I was a young mom (17-maybe 19). Of course I became wiser as time went on and got older, but I know a lot of it was someone in my family always was there to help me with my daughter. So take it from someone whos been there-and now my oldest daughter has me watching her daughter when she goes out, but I laid down rules and she is more responsible than when she first wanted to start going out and now everyone is happy.( And I am tough on her-if she goes out and its not for work-I charge her!)
So try to talk to her but be firm-I dont know how old she is but if she is young-it will be harder for her to settle down-but I agree, of course the kids should come first and she does need to understand that.
Also, why do you think the 5 year old is asking about sleep overs because of the mom? Maybe she just wants friends over. My kids started having friends over about that age-b/c thats when they started school and made more friends.
Unless I misunderstood why the child wants them, I just thought maybe it was an innocent request?
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Old 02-27-2007, 11:36 AM   #12
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I do some stuff without my kids, (not alot though) but I am always the one to tuck them in, read their book and say their prayers at night. I want that to be something they can count on. My time for me is when they are in bed I have friends come over then and hang out. We do sleepovers at my friends house who is also a single mom once in awhile and go stay the night at the coast alot. I don't understand parents who think they can't have a "good time" if thier kids are there. Those are the best times for me...
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Old 03-12-2007, 02:50 PM   #13
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I agree about having a good time with the kids...as far as going out...I'm a single mom w/ 3 kids and they go to their dad's every other weekend (usually only saturday night due to the work schedule) I still rarely go out...once every 2 or 3 months is good for me, and that's only with my cousins (I have a very tight knit group of friends) the rest of the time, I go stay at my mom's and help her with projects (we just finished building her house in November and still working on finishing touches upstairs)..
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Old 03-12-2007, 03:12 PM   #14
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by discodj79:
My daughter of 2 children one 5 and one 1 seems to think that it is the normal behavior of a single MOM to "deserve" to go out and spend the night at a male friends house. She claims it not for sex just companionship but still not come home till the morning after the 5 year old goes to school. I am the grandfather who watches her kids and takes the 5 year old to school. She Also says it is normal to let the grandparents have the kids most weekends to so she can "have a life." I disagree and say it is not the norm for that behavior and she is doing harm to the mental health of the 5 year old. The 5 year old asked me if she could have sleep-overs. So please tell me who is right. Also she does not work but does take online School. She also lives with the grandparents. If you have any question feel free to ask. Thank you all for your opinions </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Grandparents have no duties, they only have rights.
And it doesn't matter what is 'normal', what matters is how you feel about it.
If you don't feel like being your grandchilds babysitter, then you should not do this job, whether the childs parents agree or not, whether the people around you agree or not, whether we agree or not.
When an adult has a child, this child is his/her entire responsibility, night and day, every night and day.
sorry for being so harsh, this is definitely my humble opinion.
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:51 PM   #15
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I have to say that I agree with most everything thing said here. Grandparents definitely shouldn't be expected to look after their grandchildren for any reason but especially overnights while the mom or dad...or both...are out partying. I think what we need to remember here too though is that it is nice when grandparents are involved and will give the mom or dad a break. Single parenting is hard work and if it's a situation where there isn't much or any involvement by the other parent...it's even harder. That being said...no..not to party...and leave the kids to go jump in someone's bed but occasionally when the grandparents offer...what a wonderful gesture. I think maybe that your daughter has blurred or crossed these lines and like others have said...point her at this site if you can and if nothing else...maybe there are ways that we can help her cope..or see single parenting in a different light. Definetely set some boundaries about what you will and wont do...let her know that you want to help but not so that this kind of behaviour can continue....
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:29 PM   #16
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...did the first poster ever come back to read all this?

I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out, if everyone hadn't been so "supportive" of my ex after she had our son. Everyone meant well, telling her that she "deserved to be happy" and "needed to do what's best for her." She didn't understand that those things were supposed to be secondary to her motherly responsiblities, however; she thought the supporters were saying that those things were to be her #1 priority.

People praise me now, saying how great it is that I'm raising my son, but they weren't saying that when he was first born. Back then, people were saying "you made this mess and you better clean it up or you're a dirtbag...and BTW...none of us think that you're going to clean it up." You know, I think I was better off getting that advice.

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Old 03-19-2007, 11:18 PM   #17
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Yes Bobby I do read all the posts and what your situation has to do with mine is a blur to me. I do have an update. I have clipped her wings so to say with no more car no more gas and so on and today she called me and Old out of touch _______ cause I would not let her boy freind spend the night at my house. She says that it is again OK with most parents to let there adult age kids to have there BF'S spend the night. I again told her that it is not common so again is it? I told her that she has to get her own place cause I cannot deal with her anymore she said she will in 3 weeks any bets...LOL Thanks again to all for your thoughts Jff
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Old 03-20-2007, 08:08 AM   #18
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Good for you discodj,
And FYI: I dont know how old your daughter is but, no, it is not ok to bring a guy to sleep over at your parents house. I'm 30, have been married and divorced, and would not even think of doing that. If she wants to have that kind of freedom she needs to get out and support herself. I hope she follows through with moving out.
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Old 03-20-2007, 06:05 PM   #19
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by discodj79:
Yes Bobby I do read all the posts and what your situation has to do with mine is a blur to me. I do have an update. I have clipped her wings so to say with no more car no more gas and so on and today she called me and Old out of touch ******* cause I would not let her boy freind spend the night at my house. She says that it is again OK with most parents to let there adult age kids to have there BF'S spend the night. I again told her that it is not common so again is it? I told her that she has to get her own place cause I cannot deal with her anymore she said she will in 3 weeks any bets...LOL Thanks again to all for your thoughts Jff </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Wow! Sorry about that...I wrote my response more to the people who responded to you, than to you yourself. Please understand that it's quite common for people to come into support forums, post once, and never come back.

To better relate my post to your situation, I was making the point that it can be better for the single parent in the long run if their parents help them less. My ex got so much support, that she never became a self-sufficient and responsible mother for our son. On the other hand, I got little support and learned to be self-sufficient/responsible, but it also kind of turned me into a weirdo.

Anyway...it sounds like you're reducing how much of your daughter's load you are carrying for her, and hopefully it will benefit her in the long run. My biggest worry is that she'll move out and keep up the partying/letting her BF stay the night/etc. Uggh...it'd be hard for you as a grandfather, to see your grandkids getting lesser care once they move out of your house. I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

BTW - How old is she?
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Old 10-09-2013, 01:16 AM   #20
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While yes the child should spend time with there grandparent ( my daughter sees her fathers family though not her dad about every other weekend) it should only be for a few hours. I live with my parents and my mother watches my daughter while I'm at work and I'm very grateful but if I want to go out with my bf I take my daughter with me to spend the night at his place or wait for a date till she is with her other side of the family or a babysitter I pay is available and this most sweatily is not every weekend. The way I see it my parents already raised me my kid isn't theirs to raise and quite frankly I don't want them to. I love my daughter and I don't think I spend enough time with her.
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Old 10-25-2013, 11:38 PM   #21
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I see this all the time! People who have 2 or 3 kids and their parents watch them allll the time so they can do whatever they want! My mom watched my kid yesterday so my boyfriend and I could go see a play at the high school and it was because a) that was a "mom approved" event ( 26 and still having problems with non mo
Approved events) and b) she hadn't babysat for me in a long time.

Here is our rule. I ask whenever I want for a sitter and she never gets mad or feels taken advantage of, in return when she says no I say okay and not only do not hassle her about it but understand that I had a kid and that kid is NOT my moms (or anyone else's) responsibility. (Except the father).

All of my baby's grandparents do have full time jobs! I would love some of that grandparent daycare I see all over I would not ever expect my parents to do that for free and if they would not take money then we would probably do all of their yard work or other chores because kids are hard work!!!
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Old 10-26-2013, 10:16 AM   #22
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Wow, that's the first time I ever saw autocorrect have a freudian slip!
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:22 PM   #23
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Default Re: What is more Improtant a personal li

My son goes to his dad's every other weekend. That is when I get some "me" time. For me, that is really "me" time, I curl up on the couch with a blanket, a cup of hot cocoa, and either a movie or a book. "Social life" for me is taking that good book to the local coffee shop and getting a cup of coffee and sitting there reading it. Mostly though, the weekends I don't have my son are "catch up on chores" time. Clean the house, run errands, work on the house. Last weekend for instance, I went to Lowes, got some new blinds for the living room window and spent the after noon putting them up...ha ha! Yes, I am a real party animal!

No, I do not agree with her spending the night at guys houses, that is not right. And no, that is NOT normal.

A "normal" single parent is (I think) one that either lives with parents or out on their own, works to pay bills, maybe goes to school, pays rent, and spends as much time as they possibley can with their little one becasue as a single parent we have to work too darn much and every moment spent with the LO is precious and should be taken as sacred. A "normal" single parent I think is one who puts the happyness and welfare of their child above theirs, no matter the cost! I work 40-45 hours per week not because I want to, it is so I can buy my son the stuff he wants, afford a decent car I know won't leave us out in the cold on the side of the free-way, can own a home to keep him warm and dry. When I have "spare time" and my son is around (meaning I am not working, cleaning, cooking, etc.) I spend it with my son, one-on-one. Right now, I am workign with him to teach him how to read, I spend about 30min-1 hour each day doing lessons. Then I also spend time with him playing games, play-doh, clay, coloring, watching TV....just to be with him. THAT is normal, I think.

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