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Old 07-30-2015, 11:59 PM   #1
juniorsmommy Female
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Default When to bring my son around new man?

I am still in the process of a divorce from my abusive husband. I grew up in NY, moved to AZ when I was 19, just moved back to NY with my son a few months ago. He will be 7 months old in a few weeks. Before I met my husband, I met this guy in NY when I was visiting friends and we instantly clicked. But when I went back to AZ I met my husband. We were together for almost 4 years, he was physically and emotionally abusive. So much to the point that he hit me and held a knife up to my throat while breastfeeding my son. I finally left. He gave me permission to leave the state with our son and I also got a restraining order so there is no contact allowed between them either. He already has a new girlfriend and from what I hear she is pregnant already. He is telling her that our son isn't even his.

Anyway, I reconnected with that guy not long after I came back at a 4th of July bbq. I brought my son just to gauge his reaction to seeing me with a baby. He did great and my son seemed to like him. We have hung out a few times since, without my son, and we have a great connection, I think it could really go somewhere.

I didn't want to bring him around my son in a not group setting for a while because I didn't want my son getting too attached if God forbid something happened and we didn't work. But my question is if we do start dating, when can I bring him around him one on one? This is all very new to me! Thanks! ♡
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Old 07-31-2015, 03:45 AM   #2
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Default Re: When to bring my son around new man?

Hi Juniorsmommy,

welcome to the site! I'm so glad to hear you've gotten out of an abusive relationship and did everything that you could to protect yourself and your son. That sounds like a horrible situation.

I also got out of an abusive relationship and am now remarried, for a little over a year, and that part of my life from before feels like a bad dream. I have made a lot of progress and i am still healing from it in many ways.

I guess I would caution you about jumping into a new relationship so soon after leaving your ex. I think dating and learning about people in the world--gaining experience and understanding that people are NOT like our abusive exes are a very good thing! Just proceed carefully, eyes wide open, taking in all information, as you go along. Think of it as data collection--does he do what he says? does he follow through with actions, not just sweeping you off your feet with words? how does he handle conflict? have you experienced a disagreement with him--and how does he disagree? how does he express anger...? etc. etc.

anyway, as for my girls, I didn't introduce them to my now hubby until four months after dating, in group situations...it was great, because then my friends could meet him and i could see how he interacted with other adults in my life, , they were kind of filters for me--having been with two men who had anger issues, i was leery to trust my judgment alone!!

anyway, then it was one on one outings at month five. and gradually...and then...the rest is history. my girls are very bonded with their stepdad and i feel blessed.

hope this is helpful and welcome to the site!!
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Old 07-31-2015, 07:59 AM   #3
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Default Re: When to bring my son around new man?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluewave View Post
Hi Juniorsmommy,

welcome to the site! I'm so glad to hear you've gotten out of an abusive relationship and did everything that you could to protect yourself and your son. That sounds like a horrible situation.

I also got out of an abusive relationship and am now remarried, for a little over a year, and that part of my life from before feels like a bad dream. I have made a lot of progress and i am still healing from it in many ways.

I guess I would caution you about jumping into a new relationship so soon after leaving your ex. I think dating and learning about people in the world--gaining experience and understanding that people are NOT like our abusive exes are a very good thing! Just proceed carefully, eyes wide open, taking in all information, as you go along. Think of it as data collection--does he do what he says? does he follow through with actions, not just sweeping you off your feet with words? how does he handle conflict? have you experienced a disagreement with him--and how does he disagree? how does he express anger...? etc. etc.

anyway, as for my girls, I didn't introduce them to my now hubby until four months after dating, in group situations...it was great, because then my friends could meet him and i could see how he interacted with other adults in my life, , they were kind of filters for me--having been with two men who had anger issues, i was leery to trust my judgment alone!!

anyway, then it was one on one outings at month five. and gradually...and then...the rest is history. my girls are very bonded with their stepdad and i feel blessed.

hope this is helpful and welcome to the site!!
Thank you so much! I also have another question for you since you were also in such a relationship, how did you bring up what you went through to your new husband and when?
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Old 07-31-2015, 02:27 PM   #4
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Default Re: When to bring my son around new man?

well, like the fact that dating as a mom, my history with my abusive ex husband is kind of just part of my story. i wouldn't get into the nitty gritty, but when discussions came up about our exes (he was also previously married, but they had an amicable split, which is pretty amazing in my eyes), i would mention that my ex had anger issues and leave it at that.

it wasn't until i really felt that i could trust him, that things were getting serious, that i disclosed the more serious stuff. i can't remember the timeline, but i kept it general until i felt comfortable enough with my hubby to trust him with the whole story.

follow your instincts on that one.
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Old 03-24-2016, 04:12 PM   #5
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Default Re: When to bring my son around new man?

Everybody think different for this.
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