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Old 09-02-2013, 12:28 AM   #1
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Default Help...all advice welcomed

Can't tell you how much I've been needing something like this.

My rant in a nutshell - I was told for years I wouldn't be able to have children. My ex-husband and I tried for a very long time, even had fertility meds that didn't help. He cheated on me and impregnated the girl and I moved away from the only home I ever knew to have a better life. A year later and now under the most unlikely circumstances I find myself pregnant and have been for 6 months now. The father's first reaction was to abort it, knowing that neither of us knew each other well and didn't want to raise the child in a 'broken home.' I refused, stating how long I've waited for an opportunity like this and couldn't fathom letting it go.

The father and I had only gone on a handful of dates and the child was conceived oddly enough on our first sexual interaction with each other. He was terrified to start an actual relationship with me stating that he didn't want things to go bad and have struggles to raise the kid together. So we ended up having this pseudo relationship friends with benefits thing going. It worked, our needs were getting met, and we made plans for me to move in with him so we can share costs of raising the baby and have both parents available for the baby. His stipulations were that we had to have different rooms and I had to be okay with him having other girls over in the future...I figured this would be far in the future once things with the baby settled down.

About a week ago, he told me he was seeing someone else, and basically sleeping with both of us but now became uncomfortable with the situation since his feelings have grown for the other girl and now is in a relationship with her, but he wants me and him to still be great friends and hang out all the time like we have been, just no more sex. My pregnant emotions made everything seem huge and I've been quite hurt, but he says he's lonely and its not my place to say what he can do with his personal life when I told him he had to choose because he couldn't have both. He ensures me I won't be a third wheel and that I will always come first and if his girlfriend can't handle that she can't take a hike, but the question I'm coming up with is can I handle it?

So here I am, a month away from moving in with my child's father, 3 months from giving birth, and having to deal with being the other woman while my closest family is 1000 miles away. I have no where else to go and no money to do so since my whole plan for months has been where I've been leading up to now. He says I'm the only one who feels he is being childish with his actions and that it is unfair to put up the ultimatum of me or her. Am I being unreasonable? If so please help center me and see this in a better light. I don't want to cause issues that bleed over into my child's life and make it difficult to work with his dad, but I don't want to put my own needs aside and set myself up for a world of hurt.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Yeah, you are being unreasonable BECAUSE this is the deal you agreed to. He is sticking to the plan and I even give him kudo's for not being willing to double dip (so to speak). Though, he could have made that call alot sooner, IMO.
That said, you are not being unreasonable for having a problem with this. Few people would be able to make a situation like you describe work, and I really, really doubt that his gf or any future bfs that you may have will be able to deal with it either.
So, ultimatums will be flying everywhere...and still their's will be more fair than yours cause they didn't already have an agreement in place.

One thing you don't want to do is to let the child come to know this situation as normal and THEN decide you can't deal. Figure it out before the child is aware of what his "family" is.

I also give kudos to this dad for being interested and willing to be there as much as possible and supportive of this child. He doesn't really deserve special consideration for that, but given what most of us here deal with, he's getting it from me anyway.
For this reason (his willingness to be there for the child) I don't advise you moving closer to your family...assuming they are far enough away to make regular visits a hardship for him.

So, I think you should stay where you are and he should pay child support, have regular visitation and all that traditional stuff that happens when two parents are not otherwise partners....and I feel this way not because I have a problem with the idea he had to be roomies, friends and parents, but because YOU have a problem with it and I think most of ya'lls potential mates will too.
In the end, someone will end up hurt by it, most likely the child.

I don't suppose that helps much, but it is my opinion (and only one of many you will get :-)....welcome to SFV.

Oh, and for the record, I do think it's very inconsiderate of him to bring another woman into this situation so soon...though really, it's just the sex that he put an end to. A true friend would not react as you have. Your reaction makes me think that maybe you were hoping this would grow into a romantically serious realtionship after all?
In any case, your mistake was assuming that it would be "far in the future". A deal is a deal...even if it was a short sighted one.

Again, not blaming you for how you feel, but acceptance of what he is really offering is a must here. That is what you must base your decisions on.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:52 AM   #3
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I guess whats bothering me is he was double dipping and then became uncomfortable with it, and our deal was so barely touched on it was literally one question of, are you going to be okay if I have other girls over...nothing about girlfriends or timeframes so communication on the issue was severely broken. It doesn't help that his girlfriend is 7 years younger than him and barely out of high school so I can't help but think what kind of a role model he is setting when he feels that when a big responsibility is looming, he seems to have found the one most immature girl to help. Problem is I have no where else to live but with him at this point because of his ty timing, so living with him while he brings his girlfriend around is my only option. I get what you say about a romantic relationship and part of me did, but the other part of me is scared with how much help I'm going to need in the coming months with my family being so far away and I don't say, wanna be going into labor while he's bumpin ugly's in the room next door and I have to interrupt ya know? He told me I come first before his girlfriend, but that to me spells a recipe for disaster for jealously, especially with the holidays around the corner and his family saying they want me there so either one of us isn't invited or one of us is the third wheel. If this is an omen of things to come, I'm not sure this is the right situation to be bringing my child into and he refuses to speak to me about it
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Old 09-02-2013, 01:38 PM   #4
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Gotta agree with Blue and echo word for word....

Then, the family law attorney in me (the one that does divorce, paternity & custody, child support and so on) needs to state that in my experience, that new girlfriend is not going to be cool for very long. They never are. Chances are he has not been honest with her at all. Period. And when he is, she is going to have some major things to say about it all. This is going to cause some serious drama.

Be careful in how you approach all of this. Oregon's custody laws can get interesting, depending on the county you live in.

If you are going to move back with family you need to do it BEFORE that baby is born. Otherwise, the dad could get a move back order if he goes to court.

However, I don't necessarily advise that. If he wants to be involved, that is the best set up. So the question becomes: how can you become independent again? How can you pay your bills and provide without him? That has to be your focus and goal.
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Old 09-02-2013, 02:50 PM   #5
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I actually disagree with staying. If you have a strong support system of family and friends who are willing to accept you and this child, I would move back. This guy seems pretty self absorbed and immature. Who knows how long being a daddy will appeal to him? I mean his first reaction was to abort. And then he agrees to be in the childs life as long as you pay for half of his living expenses AND he gets to parade different women into and out of your lives. Where can I get that deal? If he bails out you are going to have to chase support $ and you are left to struggle. Right now that baby is yours, soon it will belong to both of you.

I would also want to know which of the 2 states has the more favorable laws to my situation. I don't know the law but I believe that where it is born carries much more weight than where it was conceived. If he truly wants to be a part of the childs life he will. So put yourself in the best situation for you and your baby!

After the baby is born, no matter where you are, you need to work on your self esteem. I'm not being critical but you are obviously allowing yourself to be talked into things you are not comfortable with.

JMO Dotcom. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck!

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Old 09-02-2013, 03:14 PM   #6
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

trebor... good points all around.

I can say if she really is from Oregon, custodial laws are VERY favorable for women here. We have not presumed joint custody. If her family is from California, then he would get joint custody...... that's just what happens down there absent abuse.
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Old 09-02-2013, 04:33 PM   #7
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I live in Oregon, but my family lives in Utah. I left to escape family abuse I was experiencing there and so I am literally without family here. The closest I come is the father's brother and sister-in-law who have been nothing but loving and supportive.
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:01 PM   #8
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

As far as how much knowledge the girlfriend has, he claims to have told her everything and that she is 100% cool with it. To me, if I were her I wouldn't be considering getting myself into the middle of it so either her maturity level matches just how close to high school she is or he thinks he's being 100% honest and isn't really
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:14 PM   #9
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Well, as others have said, you need to focus on you and figure out how to be/get independent whether you stay in this situation or not.
The more independent you get the less you will care what he does and with whom.
The girlfriend/s are fluff, they will come and go I promise you that.
Do the brother & sister n law know the situation? If so do they have an opinion about it? Maybe they have an extra room for you?

I know it stings that he's moved on so quick, especially at the stage of pregnancy that you're at, I'm sorry for you for that, but he never promised to commit and I think it's good that he stepped out sooner rather than later (in case you did have fantasies of you two being together).

Again, now is the time to find your strength and focus. Forget about what he is doing with whom (there will be lots of other whoms), and figure out what you want for you and your baby.

Welcome to the site, we are here for you
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:28 PM   #10
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Thanks! The brother and sister do have another room, and are very aware of the situation. They feel alot of sympathy for me and the sister even expressed that she's always had a fear of whether or not he'd treat a girl right but that no matter what I am family from here on out. The problem with staying with them is they live an hour and a half away in a small town so small they don't even have a fast food restaurant and I work for a corporate company on the verge of management that I have been working towards for 3 years. I'm really trying to figure out what it would take to make me independent and I know that child support is definitely something that would help, but every time I bring it up with the father he gets defensive and doesn't believe me when I tell him the amounts even though I get them straight off the Oregon State website if I were to file with ORS. Due to our agreement with becoming roommates, I'm kind of stuck to be at his house for the next year and without child support since our deal was as long as he paid his half I would do mine and we would both raise the kid together. I do need to work on my self esteem, but as I am sure you all know, easier said than done while hormones rage. I know it will all be easier to deal with once my little one is here and I'll have a clearer head but it helps to know I'm not being entirely unreasonable, but that I do need to be a little more grounded. I can't even express how much your advice and compassion has done for my mood alone. Thank you, I've been feeling so alone
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:05 PM   #11
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

You are not alone...you are two now and for the next unforeseeable future

Please don't set your mind as being stuck ~ set your mind on what you want and have unwavering faith that the doors will open for you.

Also, don't want to be a downer here, but I fear that you're underestimating the toll a newborn will take.
Your hormones are only just beginning, and after birth comes the exhaustion ~ exhaustion like one has never known unless being a new mom, on top of raging hormones.

I only say this to urge you to get your ducks in a row now.

Do you have a written contract with him for this arrangement? And it doesn't matter what he believes, will be a rude awakening for him, and oh well to that.
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:08 PM   #12
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Thats what scares me most is I know i'm underestimating the toll and I fear the father is greatly underestimating the toll as well and I don't want to get myself into being his roommate and still not have help. I really feel like if it had been after my boy was 3 or 4 months old, I wouldn't have given any care about another girl in the mix. Having family so far away and really knowing I'm doing this alone terrifies me and I don't want that to overwhelm my ability to be a great mom
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:14 PM   #13
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Treb, I would agree with you about the father in this situation except that he has been honest about his intentions all along as far as I can see.

Not saying that it has been the kind of situation most women would go along with (FOB and all that) but he seems to have been pretty clear on where he stands in regards to his feelings for the OP.

I do agree that the proposed living arrangements would get old for both of them pretty quick cause it will likely cause a lot of trouble in their lives (even if there wasn't this trouble already) but as far as her "paying half his living expences"...I didn't take the offer that way. That's an awfully intimate offer to make if you really didn't want to be around a child and it's mother.

As for the knee jerk reaction to abort, well, they were just FOB's. If he had pushed the issue that would be different, but I think that for him to auto go there first....
If you believe in abortion, then this is one of those circumstances when you would consider it. So, I don't see that as proof that he won't be a good father.

I have a MUCH bigger problem with the fact that he will have sex with two (or more) women at the same time...but that's a personal thing of mine. I personally don't do FOB, either....but for those that do, manogamy is not neccessarily considered to be part of it. That's the point, isn't it? All the fun, none of the strings?

When he did get into a real relatiuonship with someone, he quit the double dipping...so...better sign of character than if he didn't, no?

BUT, then there is the refusing to speak to you about it, dotcomwoman. That's way not OK...but if you are reacting like a jealous gf then maybe that's why. 7 years is not a huge age difference...and he's not shopping for a mommy for this child. Men DO this. I can't get a guy under 65 to look at me!

I may be way off, but I get the feeling that he is sort of a swingerish type and yes, he totally expects you to be OK with being a friend of his AND his girlfriend's and if you go into labor and she's there...oh well, she'll probably come along for the ride. You are just a friend, roommate, and coparent in his eyes. Period. And yes, he expects his gf to understand that, too. That's why you all have to know each other and all be "friends". Like on "Friends!"

I don't think you can do that. I think you are needing a more traditional situation because I think you have some feelings for him...more than what is appropriate for the scenario HE thinks ya'll have.

This is normal and expected. You are having a baby. For us women in particular, that changes everything! You have instinctual stuff going on...nesting urges...the free love, player, life style is the antithisis of what you are genetically programed to do right now.

You need to start thinking about how you are going to become independant of him. You might have to live with him for awhile, but have moving out on your own with the baby as a plan in hand.
You are going to have to bite the bullet and accept the initial consequences of the deal that you made....unless you can come up with a Plan B that enables you to do something sooner.

PS: I'm posting this an hour after I wrote it cause MOM GOT UP! , My elderly mother lives with me
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:18 PM   #14
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I was told early on that being terrified is a sign of a great mom
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:28 PM   #15
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I hope so! I didn't have the greatest example of a mother growing up and I've always felt like all I wanted was to become a mom and show my kids the love I never had. Its why this whole thing is so difficult because I feel like I tried to do it the 'right' way for so long and had no luck and literally when I had given in to not being able to conceive, my little one surprised us both. I don't want to take his dad away from him, but I question his dad's influence and he tells me that I cannot judge him as a parent based on how he treats me, but he doesn't get that I'm not going off of just my treatment but rather his example as a person alone and that its not my place to judge whether or not his influence is a detriment or not until after the baby is born, which to me reads too late. He seems to be a bit self absorbed and immature, and willing to be the one who dates a girl who just graduated high school and give her alcohol etc...which is not the kind of dad I want my little boy to look up to. The more I get to know him, the more I wish I hadn't said anything to him at all and truly tried to do this on my own. Is that really bad of me or as he puts it, does the fact that I carry the baby give me no more right to the baby than he does and therefore decisions such as who to have around my baby aren't solely mine to make?
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:53 PM   #16
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I get a feeling the male here is using Plausible Deniability to look open and honest. He get both females with no strings attached.
Step back and look at what is best for your child. I don't see the father doing that, he's more interested in himself, in the now, short term, not the long term needs of the child.

Sorry to be negative, just I see too many kids hurt by selfish sperm doners and egg layers.
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:55 PM   #17
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I know it's easier said than done, but you HAVE to forget about what he does with his girlfriend/s!

There is no way you will be able to control who he has in and out of your baby's life. Period.
And truthfully, your son isn't going to care. That is his daddy, and he will love him blindly.
I know, been there done that.

If this arrangement you have is to monitor/control the fathers' actions, it will be of no use, and all that will avail is frustration and bitterness. Let it go...you will only cause yourself undo stress. And if it yields bad feelings between the two of you it may isolate you from the father more, to the point you won't know what happens at visitations.

And I've learned that in the eyes of the court the type of boyfriend/partner a man is doesn't necessarily dictate the type of father he will be (I know, I rolled my eyes at this myself a few years ago).
It took me close to 3 years to learn these lessons.

Again, focus on YOU and what YOU can do to get independent!
Prepare yourself for doing this alone, and let yourself be pleasantly surprised when/if he wants to be an active participant in raising your son.
He will either step up or out, and only time will tell.
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Old 09-02-2013, 10:10 PM   #18
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Yeah i get the feeling he isn't really thinking ahead either

And Im not necessarily moving in to monitor his actions, rather it was a discussion of convenience for both of us. After discovering I was pregnant my roommate kicked me out, stating she would need a buffer between me and a baby if she was going to live with me. So I moved into a new place 3 months ago and have been assaulted by fleas, ants, and mold. I was having a hard time finding somewhere to go and he needed an extra roommate to fill a room at the house he lives in with 2 other guys he works with at Harley. I can't help but worry about the influence, Im an avid over thinker and ive seen far too many times what a bad influence can do to a child so maybe thats why I'm being so protective of mine. I basically helped my sister raise her 5 boys, the oldest are twins turning 14 tomorrow. Their younger brother has severe abandonment issues due to the fact his father left for 6 years and when his mom was going through a really rough time after the death of her only daughter, my family tried to take custody of her kids as an answer and he hasn't been right since. I don't want to try to accept him as fully being there and him not and have that done to my son, but I don't want to put my needs and feelings aside either to set myself up for the same. I guess I'm having a hard time looking at this all from the outside or being impartial, which is why this threat has been a godsend. It has put so many of my thoughts in perspective and seeing what is my neurotic mind over-thinking and stressing and what are legitimate concerns for my self and my boy, who will be named Aiden Paul come Christmas. I think what I've been focusing on for so long is what I grew up in Utah with, the whole youre supposed to parent together and if you don't something is really wrong with you and you become the town slut due to the popular religion of the area. Its so hard for me sometimes to get out of the Mormon mindset and realize not everything works out perfectly. I was always taught a girl was only as good as the guy who takes care of her....so being pregnant and not having one to do so is different and new and scary
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Old 09-02-2013, 10:45 PM   #19
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

[QUOTE=Bluemoon;359730]Treb, I would agree with you about the father in this situation except that he has been honest about his intentions all along as far as I can see.

QUOTE]

Blue you may be right, but i don't know that

"I was screwing another girl as well as you, the woman pregnant with my child, until I realized this girl was going to be around more and now I have to tell you about it so...."

is actually being honest.

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as I reread this it sounds a little more harsh than I meant it to be, but as a guy I really just see a noncommital player wanting to have it all......and yes it takes one to know one! But I've grown up!!! (somewhat)

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Old 09-02-2013, 10:52 PM   #20
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

He hasn't been entirely up front with me. I didn't even know about his girlfriend till i saw it on Facebook, and it was on a night we had 'plans' and rather than face me he opted to text me and then tell me that he thought it best for us to stop having sex. He'd been seeing her for the past month without my knowledge. He holds a lot back, hardly talks to me unless I throw a pregnant rant, and says thats how he's always been. I wish he would be upfront with everything but its like pulling teeth just to get his opinion on anything
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Old 09-02-2013, 10:52 PM   #21
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dad1st4boys View Post
I get a feeling the male here is using Plausible Deniability to look open and honest. He get both females with no strings attached. .
I agree with D1.

DCW, since you don't have a strong support system, save every penny you can, learn the child support/custody laws and prepare for the day he won't be there for you and your baby. If it never happens, GREAT. If it does, you're ready!
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:08 PM   #22
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

DCW, there's an old saying about planning a divorce. here you don't have the marriage, but you do have a child.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:13 PM   #23
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Yeah...my sister always told me to be glad there wasn't a child involved when I got a divorce. I didn't understand then why she considered it such a blessing. Now I think I get it
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:24 PM   #24
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

My sons were all hurt deeply when their mother left. I fear the damage is even greater than I thought. As a cop I see kids in the middle all the time. Sad to see them hurt.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:30 PM   #25
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Which is exactly what I'm trying to prevent. I fear his self-centered nature may hurt my son in the future and I figure its better to figure out things won't work now than find out in the future when attachments have been made.
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Old 09-03-2013, 12:33 AM   #26
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

DCM, prepare yourself, There is nothing you can do to make him be a dad. We all disappoint our kids, just some do it more often then others.
I have earned from my ex that the lower my expectations are the less I get disappointed. My sons have told me the same thing. My most aggravating thing for me is I am powerless to get her stop hurting them.
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:44 AM   #27
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

So, why don't you start looking for another roommate? Seriously. Do it now, while you cn move!!!!! There are accommodations, even roommate situations, that would have no problems with a baby in the house.

Can I ask if you are in the Portland or surrounding area? Like in Mult Co, Washington, or Clackamas County? I have a feeling, based on the comment about working at Harley, that this is the case. If you are, there should be plenty of housing split situations.

Don't let a bad experience with one roommate preclude you from finding another.

I would do that now. Then, the day that child was born (or the day you got out of the hospital), I would file for child support.

On the legal spectrum of things.... please do NOT put dad's name on the birth certificate. It could make things very, very sticky if some day you let dad take son, and dad refused to return him. Believe me. I have seen this in my profession, in this state, WAY TOO MANY TIMES.
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Old 09-03-2013, 01:57 PM   #28
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Yeah im in Mult. county. Problem is most places I've found either don't have enough room for a crib and a bed or I can't afford it. I had a long talk with the dad about it last night and he's trying really hard to convince me that ORS is a bad idea and that he can't afford child support till at least spring so he wants me to move in for the next year so he can be there to take care of the baby and not be responsible for child support. He got very upset when I told him his idea of having the baby stay every other week with him was not an option saying it was in the baby's best interest
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:26 AM   #29
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I hate this but it's sounding more and more like his primary interest is in avoiding child support.....
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:09 PM   #30
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

I would like to say that I think this guy is a douchbag! What kind of man gets a woman pregnant, albeit not planned, and then offers to let her live with him so he can help with the baby while he carries on as if she's not there? He really expects you to be at home with an infant and not have your feelings hurt while he goes out and about bringing women home and having relations? This guy is either really naive or insensitive. Either way, my advise is that you don't want anything to do with it. It is going to end very badly with you probably being the one suffering from a lot of hurt feelings and depression. It's not worth it!
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. A lot of mothers experience this and it is not easy but it can be done. Get the child support, take leave from work after the baby is born, find someone to watch the baby after you go back to work.
He is immature and self absorbed. This arrangement is a recipe for disaster. I really feel for you being in this situation, but he is going to prove to be much more bad than good!
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Old 09-07-2013, 01:24 AM   #31
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Default Re: Help...all advice welcomed

Hi I am new but my gut feeling for you is DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM! First and foremost it is obvious that he does not want to pay child support. This type of situation is going to eat you alive. You may think it is b/c you are pregnant and emotional right now, but after your baby is born, do you really believe you can handle him having other woman around? Are you okay raising a child in this toxic environment? What is that going to teach your son about how a mommy and a daddy should be for their child? I would definitely not expose my child to such a lifestyle. I agree with the poster before me, this is a recipe for disaster. You do not have to move in with him, even if yall talked about it.... Please follow your gut on this. He is not being honest with you already and you should worry about yourself and baby. Somehow try to find a way to do this on your own or move closer to your family. Then if he cares about you and wants to do it together, that may be something to consider. But with the circumstances as they are, I would cut ties with the guy unless it is for child support after the baby is born. Good luck sweetie. Please keep us updated.
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