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Old 12-22-2014, 10:05 AM   #1
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Default Am I Wrong?

Hello all,
I would your opinion on something:
My kids' father is dating a new girl, who happens to be a stripper. am I wrong that I told him I don't want her around my kids? I just feel like there is nothing a stripper can teach my daughter. I might would feel a LITTLE differently if she was stripping just to get through school, but this is what she does for a living. We got into it because he says I have no right to judge her. I'm not sure what to do about the situation. Any thoughts?
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:13 AM   #2
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Well, IMO, just because she is a stripper does not mean she is a bad or immoral person. I will agree that it probably increases the liklihood that she is "free thinker" who may possibly be into other things that might not make her a contender for mother of the year, but it also might just mean that she is comfortable with her body to an extreme degree and maybe makes enough money for her job to be totally worth it to her.

WHERE she works would be an indication of her values and self worth more than just the title "stripper" would be. Think about it, what if you started dating one of the "Chippendale" type guys? Would you automatically think that he should be banned from your childs presense?

What if she was a masseuse? Quite a spectrum of possibilities involved in that profession. Point being, it's not all black and white. Few things are.

All that said, I truly do understand your concern and in your shoes I would feel much the same way...however, you really can't dictate who he associates with unless there is a legitimate risk. So, I would personally probably make an effort to learn more about this woman before I got into it with him. Knowledge is power....and I am not above visiting her work establishment to see if it's a commercially kitchy "fun" type establishment that employs healthy looking women or if it's a hole in the wall where clients can go into a back room to get extras from a sickly crack _____....or somewere in between.

Or maybe I've just watched too many movies like "Pretty Woman".
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:41 AM   #3
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Thanks for your opinion, and you make a lot of sense. I guess I jumped to conclusions when everyone starting calling me about this "dirty looking girl" that they seen on his social media page. Honestly, I'm just embarrassed. We go to all each others' family functions and I would consider him my best friend. We talk everyday. He didn't even tell about this girl.
I just feel he's not putting our children's best interest at heart. I would never bring home a guy that has no ambitions in life besides being a dancer, but that's just me. Thanks!
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Old 12-22-2014, 12:18 PM   #4
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

The not telling.....well, I am sure he was not expecting her to get a warm reception from you. Even if she wasn't a stripper, telling your ex can be tricky.

Dirty looking girl? That's not a good sign.....especially if they do not know she is a stripper but they still get that impression.

You know, though, if she is a party hardy type, she is not going to want to hang our with your (or any) kids. I'll agree that Dad doesn't seem to be considering the children in this choice....but he may not have any long term plans with this girl.
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Old 12-22-2014, 03:36 PM   #5
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

So, I work with a non-profit that works with strippers. Let me tell you that by and large the girls stripping are sweet, caring individuals. I would never recognize half of the women outside of work because they do not "glam" themselves away from the job. Objectifying themselves for money is bad enough. They do not want stares when they are off the job.

Most of the strippers I know are mothers -- good mothers at that. They strip because they have always stripped, make good money, and have very little skills. Once you are stripping -- how do you put that on a resume to get a 9 to 5 job.

The dirty people - in my humble opinion- are the men who pay for it. That is who us women should be ashamed of.
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Old 12-23-2014, 01:02 AM   #6
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LSL View Post
The dirty people - in my humble opinion- are the men who pay for it. That is who us women should be ashamed of.
UGH! Seriously?

Yes, of course... the good woman takes her clothes off and the bad man gives her money...bad man, BAD, BAD MAN!

I've been in strip clubs maybe 5 or 6 times in my life (I'm 51 and only once was by choice and that ended badly). But I had a friend who ran one in SC.

From what I"ve seen there is an overwhelming addiction issue related with that profession and add to that they have 5 years or so to be at the top of their game...(uh,... make any money unless they are supermodels).After that it is often a steady decline into further addiction and all too often prostitution. Many strippers are not "good mothers" or trying to "better themselves" but rather just addicts.

I say that with the knowledge that my niece is a stripper and is trying to support her daughter however she can. What I would worry about J03 is the example set for your daughter (and my niece) and how she relates to men and how she values herself in a relationship. It's about self esteem. Hopefully she has a positive male figure in her life.

Idk what you can do about it but every one of these situations gives us an opportunity to talk to our kids. It may be something good like being comfortable with our bodies or it may be something like don't allow yourself to be used or be a victim. That is really more about your values than ours.

Anyway, good luck J03. And NO, you are not necessarily wrong to feel the way you do.

Last edited by trebor; 12-23-2014 at 01:13 AM.
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Old 12-23-2014, 08:10 AM   #7
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

There is plenty of "shame" to pin on the men and women here....no one gender has a monopoly. There are "dirty people" everywhere, sheesh.
I would probably react in a similar fashion as you did J103. But unless you can measure some negative effect on children from her presence, I doubt you would get far protesting her presence.
I was at a Christmas party one time and a couple had to leave. It seemed rather early, but as it turns out, the lady was a stripper (part time) and had a shift to do. It just floored me as she was not what I would have considered a stereotypical stripper. (she seemed in no way skanky) The reason or her doing it even though she had another full time job? Money. They wanted to get new furniture for their home, they worked out the cost and then how many shifts she would do to pay for it. Economics aside, I have wondered what message it sent to their children that one would "sell" oneself to get material goods........but that's a whole other discussion.
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Old 12-23-2014, 09:06 AM   #8
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemoon View Post


All that said, I truly do understand your concern and in your shoes I would feel much the same way...however, you really can't dictate who he associates with unless there is a legitimate risk. So, I would personally probably make an effort to learn more about this woman before I got into it with him. Knowledge is power....and I am not above visiting her work establishment to see if it's a commercially kitchy "fun" type establishment that employs healthy looking women or if it's a hole in the wall where clients can go into a back room to get extras from a sickly crack _____....or somewere in between.

Or maybe I've just watched too many movies like "Pretty Woman".
I think Blue has the best advice.
The job does not make the person and I am sure there are perspectives beyond our imagination as to why someone would choose such a profession.
The basic point being, get to know more about her.
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Old 12-23-2014, 09:33 AM   #9
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Thanks WS....another thing we are assuming here is that the children (in any of these cases) are aware of how this person earns her money. To me it's more about her, as a person. If that's OK then the kids don't need to know what she does behind 21 and over restricted doors.

Treb...5 years? I never stripped but I promise you that I was plenty enough fit to for a lot longer than 5 years of my life...... More like 15-20. But now I'm too fat (though I have seen worse up there).
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Old 12-23-2014, 11:31 AM   #10
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!!

From what little I know, those establishments, especially the higher end or higher dollar ones cycle the girls through fairly regularly I think.
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Old 12-23-2014, 12:24 PM   #11
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!!

From what little I know, those establishments, especially the higher end or higher dollar ones cycle the girls through fairly regularly I think.
They do. All clubs do have a huge turnover rates. trebor is right in that addiction runs rampant. But by and large, my experience has been that addiction is not as bad as some paint it. And they whys of addiction are staggering. But again, I am extremely bias given the women I work with.
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Old 12-23-2014, 01:09 PM   #12
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Runs rampant in modeling too. And that is, for the most part, a fairly respectable career.
That I do know from personal experience.

More reason to try to get to know her and what she's about.
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Old 12-24-2014, 05:22 PM   #13
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Blue I'm sure there are exceptions that make top dollar longer, but I would bet that's rare unless it's a big name who travels from city to city. It's usually a pretty hard life I think and very competitive. Some girls keep their wits about them and make their money and get out. A lot of them don't.

I was dragged to those places for business. Suppliers or customers in town would invariably want to be "entertained". It was never really a place I wanted to be but that being said, I didn't turn my chair to face the wall and say my "Our Fathers" and "Holy Marys" while holding my rosary.

LSL, I understand your bias and applaud the work you do to help these girls. And while I admire activism, to me activist often seem to lack balance on any issue pertaining to the thing they are passionate about. I would be willing to bet many of the women you help were victimized long before they were a stripper. Maybe if we could stop that a lot of these other issues would resolve themselves. Pipe dream? Probably. That doesn't mean there aren't a lot of creepy predators lurking in those places, there are. Also a lot of college kids, business men, lonely people and yes WOMEN. If we made those places illegal would you be protecting those girls, empowering them to make better decisions or inhibiting their ability to support themselves and forcing them back into what might have been an even worse set of circumstances? And if you're going to allow them to stay open then it seems a little bit unfair to label all the men as dirty who have been there. JMO.

Anyway JO3, this girl may be wonderful and have her stuff together. But I think your concerns are valid and a conversation with the Ex is warranted.
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:41 PM   #14
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Treb, I was mostly just kidding and I will agree that more than a year or two years in one club would be pretty rare....but I still think that a woman who takes reasonable care of herself should be able to stay...desirable as such an employee...for at least 10 years.
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:48 PM   #15
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I think treb and I could do some research on how long the desirability factor lasts.....who wants to fund our research??? Believe me, we'll go into this with eyes wide open.
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Old 12-25-2014, 03:59 PM   #16
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Nah Muskie, you would get all the attention anyway. I'd be over there "making it rain" and all alone.

Blue I'm sure there are women who stay for 10 years or more in the business. But if it's about making top dollar, well there is always a younger, cuter, fresher girl coming on stage.

J03 I have successfully hijacked your thread. Back to you!
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Old 12-25-2014, 05:33 PM   #17
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I never said make illegal. What I said is I have a problem with objectifying women for their t and a. Thats me. I am pretty balanced. I get it. These girls are husslers. Maybe I am not getting my point across on a forum where we cannot have a an indepth discussion on why I think the patrons who by and large treat the women with a marked lack of repsect because those women are a piece of meat, are the dirty people, not the woman painted as dirty for taking her clothes off for a living. Funny how we look down on the stripper and pass by the person paying to see t and a.
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Old 12-26-2014, 09:37 AM   #18
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LSL, it just seems the world works that way, the "suppliers" are looked down upon. If the commodity being sold were drugs, we tend to look upon the pusher or supplier as worse than the purchaser.
treb, the only attention I would get at a place like that would be for my bright red face full of embarrassment. I've never been to such an establishment and that's fine by me.
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Old 12-27-2014, 12:48 AM   #19
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Quote:
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Funny how we look down on the stripper and pass by the person paying to see t and a.
Yes, well those two things are inexorably linked. As much as we may want to vilify one and grant a pass to the other they really can't exist without each other. So it's probably unrealistic to view one as the villain and one as the victim.

J03, I'm curious how it's going?
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Old 12-27-2014, 09:43 AM   #20
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To the woman who started this thread.....at least this is proof positive that your reaction is normal and probably even mild compared to this group!

At the very least this shows that it is a situation that inspires strong feeelings, so no, you are definately not wrong to have them. I just think it's very possible (though the odds aren't great) that she is a regular person who just happens to earn her money in a controversial way..and since you can't do much else you could at least do some research before you formulate plan B.
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Old 12-27-2014, 02:02 PM   #21
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To the woman who started this thread.....at least this is proof positive that your reaction is normal and probably even mild compared to this group!

At the very least this shows that it is a situation that inspires strong feeelings, so no, you are definately not wrong to have them. I just think it's very possible (though the odds aren't great) that she is a regular person who just happens to earn her money in a controversial way..and since you can't do much else you could at least do some research before you formulate plan B.
Exactly.
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Old 12-27-2014, 03:02 PM   #22
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At the very least this shows that it is a situation that inspires strong feeelings, so no, you are definately not wrong to have them. I just think it's very possible (though the odds aren't great) that she is a regular person who just happens to earn her money in a controversial way..and since you can't do much else you could at least do some research before you formulate plan B.
I agree !!

But my feelings on strippers isn't really that strong. It's more the bias that bugs me, but hey I get it. Definitely some truth to the stereotypes.
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Old 12-27-2014, 03:12 PM   #23
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

Assuming there is a bias. Tone and facial expression cannot be read i to posts. We probably are not far off in our opinions Treb. My whole point was why villify one and not the other? That to me is bias
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Old 12-27-2014, 03:22 PM   #24
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

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Assuming there is a bias. Tone and facial expression cannot be read i to posts. We probably are not far off in our opinions Treb. My whole point was why villify one and not the other? That to me is bias
I concur counselor!
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Old 12-29-2014, 12:18 PM   #25
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

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Yes, well those two things are inexorably linked. As much as we may want to vilify one and grant a pass to the other they really can't exist without each other. So it's probably unrealistic to view one as the villain and one as the victim.

J03, I'm curious how it's going?
Well, we had a long talk, and I explained to him why I didn't want him around the kids, and also asked him what does it say about him for being ok with people seeing all his girlfriend's lady parts. It got a little heated but he respected my decision, and said he won't have her around them. I don't know anything about the girl except what I see on Facebook, which is half naked pics. I took you all's advice and tried asking him a little about her, but he gets defensive so I just leave it alone. We'll see how it goes.
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Old 12-29-2014, 12:59 PM   #26
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Default Re: Am I Wrong?

I would think that half naked pictures on FB says a lot....like that it is not just a business decision but rather a lifestyle expression.

I hope he stays true to his word....
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