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Old 01-21-2005, 10:38 PM   #1
honeybeesmom
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I guess I just need to vent about this a little...but one of my best friends, who just turned 21 is pregnant...again! Her son is not quite 7 months old, and she's pregnant again. I am trying to be happy for her, but all I can think is "you don't take good care of the child you have now, so how are you going to be a mommy to this child too?!" She smoked throughout her first pregnancy, but "at least" stopped drinking during her pregnancy, but started right back up again 2 months after cameran was born. I just... I don't know how to be a friend to her anymore, we used to be so close, and I find myself less and less able to be in the same room with her. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect parent, but I am pretty darn good, because I work hard to be the best I can be for my son.... and I know that everyone has a different way of parenting, but I find myself not wanting to see her when I go home to visit, because I'm afriad I'll say something to her. Am I wrong to think that it's irresponsible to get drunk when you are the only one there to watch your baby, even if he is sleeping? I mean full on, fall asleep on the bathroom floor drunk. I know it's hard for her to not want to be a "normal" 21 year old, and I can relate, being 22, but... I just feel like there is a place and time for it, and when you are responsible for a child, then your first priority is your child! I know I'm a little extreme- the only drinks I have had since before I conceived my son was 2 thimble fulls of communion wine, and a half of a wine cooler. And I used to party with her. I know I'm kind of a prude now, hehe.

Even her roomate/father of her children has taken cameran and stayed at his parents house because he felt she would rather go to the bar than take care of her son, but now they are both happy about the new baby. I'm not saying that they shouldn't be happy about the next baby- all children are a blessing, but I just want to smack her upside the head!!

How can I overcome my issues with her parenting and be there for her? Or should I just sever my ties?

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent...
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Old 01-21-2005, 10:47 PM   #2
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Hi Honeybeesmom. This is a sad situation. When I was about 28, I had to really look at my friends and decide who I wanted to let stay in my life. If that brought no value, I cut them. By value, i mean loves, joy, a strong shoulder. Alot of them were takers, and I decided that these were no longer people I wanted in my life. As we get older, it is amazing how our tolerance for other peoples bad behaviors change. I think that as a mom, your energies would be best used on caring people. I would sever. She may come around some day, but I wouldn't wait.
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Old 01-21-2005, 10:59 PM   #3
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Grammy has some really good points, but what also comes to mind is when someone told me that good friends don't two step around you, they tell it like it is and will hurt your feeling because they love you. Sounds like you care for this friend so if you really want to be a friend now you just may have to tell her like you see it.
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Old 01-22-2005, 10:10 AM   #4
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I say combine both replies so far. Tell her like it is and give her the opportunity to reflect on it. She will at least have the opportunity to decide whether she wants to change. Then depending on the outcome, you can make your choice to stick by her or cut her from your list of friends.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk, er uh I mean raise a child.
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Old 01-22-2005, 12:30 PM   #5
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I will never understand people who get drunk with there children around. How can they claim to be responsible parents. I also do not understand the smoking when pregnant. I quit smoking as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Perhaps what your friend needs is help! If I were you I would be up front with her, and make sure she knows your saying these things to her because you lover her and her child / children. Good luck!
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Old 01-22-2005, 02:11 PM   #6
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I agree with Don all the way... it's a delicate situation, and she's risking her life, along with the lives of her (now) 2 children with that kind of behavior. Is being drunk worth it?? Never in my book. Tell her like it is.
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Old 01-22-2005, 05:10 PM   #7
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It is hard when you have a friend like that. I had to cut ties I had with a so-called friend too a few months back because I got tired of her drama. I tried to help her a lot and give her advice even though a lot of my friends did not like her. She did a lot of stupid things like spent a lot of money on her little boyfriends and neglected her kids, couldnt keep an apartment, then got pregnant by another guy while between apartments...when I found she was trying to involve me in her drama and spread rumours that I was talking about people that were my friends that was it. I have not talked to her since but I feel bad for her kids...its sad when you try to help someone and they act so stupid and take advatage of the situation. So I guess you have to decide when to draw the line.
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Old 01-22-2005, 05:35 PM   #8
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I just had to cut ties with a good friend of mine. I had helped her through a bout of depression four years ago, and she had helped me with my bout of depression five years ago. We were very close, we even were roommates for awhile before she got married. When she got married, she got pregnant right after (no one really knows if she was pregnant before or not.) Anyway she didn't stop smoking either, or drinking, or doing drugs. Luckily she gave birth to an angel of a little girl with white-blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. But after he daughter was born, she lost interest. She started ignoring her daughter and left her husband to do everything. He didn't mind, he's an amazing father. Every minute of the day that he's with his daughter, he's on the floor playing with her and talking to her. When she's asleep or gone, he talks about her. He is crazy for his daughter. Anyway the mom started going out every night with her friends from work. She started working in the mortgage industry, which here in san diego is a very profitable line of work. she started making a lot of money, and would go party with it. She stopped coming home after work. She would come home drunk at 2 and 3 am. She stopped paying her bills, but didn't tell her husband. I couldn't be around her any more, because I felt like I was supporting her lifestyle. I knew her husband before they got married, so I told him that I had to stop talking to her, and him too. He told me he understood. That he would be okay as long as he had his little girl. Anyway, one night she came home wasted and told her husband she had signed a lease on another apartment and she was leaving him. She packed up her things and left, without the baby, who was 14 months old at the time. She came back when he was at work and cleaned out the apartment, she took EVERYTHING in it, even his stuff. The things she left say a whole lot about her. She left his clothes, everything in the kitchen, and everything in the babys room, except the toys. She took her daughters toys, but not her daughter. Sad huh? The dad contacted me and told me what happened, and me, and two more of the moms old friends who had stopped talking to her all wrote statements to the judge asking that the dad be granted full custody. Thats what happened too. Luckily dad has custody and mom just visits once in awhile. Sometimes you just need to cut someone out of your life. When she had her daughter, everyone in her life realized that they couldn't be around her and they slowly left her. Now she is alone. Be honest with your friend, but tell her why you want to stop talking to her. She probably won't change, people like that rarely do, but at least you tried.
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Old 01-22-2005, 10:42 PM   #9
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by honeybeesmom:
[qb] How can I overcome my issues with her parenting and be there for her? Or should I just sever my ties? [/qb] </div></BLOCKQUOTE>I guess I am even more a witch because I have severed friendships for a lot less than that. I have also cut out family for the way she diciplined her children...but not without my big loud opinion being unforgettable, and without question why I was not going to be a part of their life anymore. You sound like you are capable of the relationship being over but you need to find the right time to tell this girl, that she is not the person you thought she was, and definitely not the mom you ever thought she would end up being. You don't have to tell her at all if you so choose, because you have already reconsidered your friendship and consider severing ties as an option. There are some people in my life I don't agree with their child rearing or lifestyle but they are still worth keeping around as we do have a lot of common interests but just don't agree on certain things pertaining to child rearing and other topics, but it doesn't make them a bad person, it actually helps us each see other points of views. I can tell this friend exactly what I think and vice versa but know that we will still be around and still be there for eachother even though we have different views on things. We have that freedom of blunt honesty as friends should. Your friend doesn't sound like she falls into that category because her lifestyle is destructive to everyone involved, including herself. You can choose to stay away and avoid her, because you don't owe her anything...(as you aren't considering her a friend anymore) or you can avoid and wait until she calls and then tell her, or you can just straight out tell her. Any way you choose you are mature enough to know that the friendship is over and you no longer seek her opinions. If you tell her you may not ever see her again, but your words will have been said. If you choose to say nothing, your words will be just in your head....and so what if it is....Is it going to make a difference in her life now??...probably not...and later it will only happen if she also matures.

Welcome to adulthood...isn't it a joy!? You no longer have to expain or defend, you just get to have the maturity and discovery of seeing and knowing that you want better for yourself. Congratulations you made it....
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Old 01-23-2005, 12:24 AM   #10
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Thanks everyone for your opinions, I really appreciate your perspectives. I knew in my heart it was coming to this, but it's just hard to accept. It is hard making that transition where the people who used to be fun to be around suddenly appear immature and irrisponsible. I feel so old sometimes, hehe. But part of growing up is accepting that some people aren't good for you. I mean, one of my first thoughts after seeing her with Cameran was "My son is never coming over to play at your house"...It's hard to sever ties, because deep down I know she is a good person, and we have such a fun history together (along with my other best friend- we have matching "sisterhood" tattoos on our feet, take "family" pictures, etc.)

I think she needs to hear the truth from our other friend and I together...maybe then it will absorb. If she chooses not to ever talk to me again, fine, but at least I will have spoken my mind. Her son and the new baby deserve to have a responsible attentive mother... I am not counting on her changing her ways though...

Anyway, thanks again for the advice, and for letting me vent.
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Old 02-01-2005, 01:47 AM   #11
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I completely understand honeybee, when I got pregnant I was a huge partier and so were all of my friends. I don't talk to any of them anymore, because I am now a "prude" for my way of life. I still occasionally talk to one of them who has a son about a year older then mine. It's been very hard staying friends with her, because she doesn't take very good care of her son. She hardly even sees him and he gets confused and thinks his grandma is his mommy. Anyways I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I know how you feel. Good luck with talking to her.
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:27 AM   #12
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Hi,
Your friend is making bad choices, if she is falling down drunk with a young baby in the home then she won't have her son for long. It's called neglect. I would not want a friend like this around me or my child. I think you should just be honest with her, about her bad decisions, if she is smart than it will sink in. If she gets defensive you got your answer find a new more responsible friend. Good luck. Kacy NH
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:01 PM   #13
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Default Re: how to be a friend...

I would say speak your mind-with love, but firmness and let your friend choose whether to continue the friendship. I would be more concerned for the child and the one she is carrying. No one wants to be a rat, but if the problem is as severe as you state, then you should report her to children's services. If there is a reported problem, then the agency will hopefully step in and do their job. Also, if there is a history of abuse, the baby can be tested at birth by the hospital if childrens services orders it and if the baby has something in its system, bye bye baby. I know sending a kid into the system sucks, but it sounds like the way the baby is being raised right now sucks. Its difficult to take on the responsibility of parenthood, but once there is a child, then its time to put up or shut up. (don't mean to sound harsh)
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Old 04-18-2010, 08:12 AM   #14
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Wink Re: how to be a friend...

I also agree with Don honeybee. The one thing I noticed about my friends was that we not only had things in common we also acted alike, it may seem strange, but honestly people that are your friends are people you have things in common with especially really good friends. It seems to me you have changed for the best and friends still stuck in the time before kids. Honestly I never had that time. I was 17 when I had my first so I was not even legal to drink, but I took on my responsibility head strong. The highlight of my life besides from my kids is sleep. I often tell people how boring I am. Yeh, I have a lot to do but 98% is responsible life building projects and family time. The last 2% I call lazyness.LOL. So don't worry about who you have become, your a mom and everyday you are changing and that means that your interest and friends most likely will change too. So keep your head up and I hope things turn out alright for you.
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