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Old 02-13-2015, 01:30 PM   #1
the1stvoice Male
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Default networking

So, I've been meaning to post on the topic of making friends by networking. I've been diligent in networking for about two years now and I have a pretty strong network of friends and acquaintances. I am not boasting because I am finding that my list of people that I interact with regular is continually changing. I feel like I am courting friendships. I meet new people, get to know them, and hang out. At some point I can see whether or not I will be able to be closer friends with a person. Sometimes I defriend and avoid rather quickly. Here are my main reasons to avoid building friendships with a person:

#1. Aggression: if a person demonstrates aggression towards me or anyone else, in any manner shape or form, whether it be how they speak to me or their body language, I immediately distance myself from people who do this. I am not aggressive and I cannot have that negativity around me.

#2. Sleeping around: I find it off putting when I heard of an acquaintances engaging in one night stands on a regular basis. I can get behind a buddy and cheer for him or her when have sex after a very long dry spell or when they finally land a person they've been pining over. but I find frequent one night stands to be a sign of impulse control issues. I am not impulsive and I cannot surround myself with impulsive people. Maybe in college rampant sex was more appealing but I am 32 with kids and a home and a job. I am looking to build a web of relationships, not mating with everyone I meet.

I don't have an immediate number three yet. Have you any standards that you try to keep when making friends? This post is part venting session and a request for advice and input on ways to network and make friends.

---------- Post added at 12:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:32 AM ----------

furthermore, I want to find a lover myself. Knowing that my friends are sleeping around with women and men in this town that I also have acquaintance with is frustrating. I won't consider dating Tina if I know she's slept with Tony. Grrrr!
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Old 02-13-2015, 01:36 PM   #2
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Default Re: networking

Don't forget cats..... if they have more than 2 indoor cats. Outdoor cats don't count if it's a momma cat and kittens or if they're barn cats.
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Old 02-13-2015, 04:33 PM   #3
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Default Re: networking

Dad1st!!

I think you have good standards. It just takes time to find a good someone who shares your values and who you would invest taking the public health care risk for sharing coffee when intimacy gets to that point. I advise testing before coffee, but that's just me. I did find out that was more normal than I thought though, especially for single parents who are dating.

and...32 is so young!! you have plenty of time to find someone who shares your values and who you could share your life with ( sorry to sound like a granny, but i out age you by quite a lot, ).

and...some people take longer to get the one night stand thing out of their system, and other people are late bloomers. I think if we're talking consensual, adult partners here, I'd be less hesitant to judge that they are merely impulsive, but more in a place in their lives where they're exploring versus the place where you're at. i think the most important thing and barometer that I have when making personal connections is empathy, forgiveness (of self and others) and personal responsibility. My closest friends--we can empathize with each other and we do our best not blame others for our own mistakes. and if we do do something wrong, we take responsiblity for it--as best as we can.

good luck and hang in there 1stvoice! :-)
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Old 02-13-2015, 05:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: networking

That was a pretty catty response -that made me laugh out loud!
Blue, thanks providing your perspective. it's good to hear what other people look for in relationships. I will be the first to admit that I may be judging too harshly. After I posted this I thought how hypocritical of me. I've been there. Thanks for the vote of confidence that I have plenty of room grow myself and my relationships.
I agree with testing before coffee- I have practiced this with my last partner. It's a hassle but it's so good to do!
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Old 02-13-2015, 05:28 PM   #5
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Default Re: networking

At 32 I had just gotten married... and no kids. I was afraid I was getting old !!
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Old 02-14-2015, 06:20 AM   #6
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Default Re: networking

I enjoy many different types of people as friends. I either gel with that person or I don't. My bff is the exact opposite personality feom mine. I find that my closest friends share my passions in life. Most of my inner circle believe strongly in equiping and empowering women. I keep it simple.

I would caution you to not be so quick to label or judge. What do you mean by aggression? I have been told more than once I am "intimidating"........... Some might even consider my blunt and matter of fact appeoach aggressive. Its not though. As an INTJ, the blunt matter of fact logical manner is just me.

I think to make close friends you need to fully understand your personality type. And your friends. Knowing this can help communication and worh so many other aspects.

As for life partner stuff..... I have no idea. Dating and men in general baffle me. So I don't date.
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Old 02-14-2015, 08:33 AM   #7
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Default Re: networking

Some people click and some don't. That goes for friends as well as potential partners.
If everyone got along, there would be no hate or wars (wouldn't that be lovely!).

And like LSL said, don't be so quick to judge. I fall into that "intimidating" category too.

Any interaction with someone other than yourself is a type of relationship. Relationships need to be and have to be tended to and cared for, give and take, tolerance (cause were all assholes sometimes), compassion.

I have a friend who, when I first met her, was 'claws in'. Very sweet, kind lady, but that stuff makes me run fast and hard the other direction, and I did. Twice in my opinion.

But part of that is me too.

It's not her fault I am as....walled up as I am.

And now were good friends. I have way too many priorities currently, and I am not a person who goes out really, but I know if I needed anything and called her, she would be there for me as quickly as she could be.

So be careful cutting people off too quickly. You may be missing out on some amazing people.

That said, we all have types of people I think that send us the other direction just because we don't mesh. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It just is what it is.

The opposite sex baffles me at times too, so, eh.

Maybe you should spend as much time looking in the mirror as you seem to spend looking at others?

As far as the one night stands, I'm with BW and couldn't have said it better.
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