Wild Dancing Thanksgivng Turkey Should I tell my sister... - Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices
All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!
         


Go Back   Single Parents Forum: Single Family Voices >
(``'·.¸(``'·.¸ Relationships¸.·'´´)¸.·'´´)
> Friendships


~ Donate Today ~ PLEASE
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-03-2009, 11:10 PM   #1
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 408
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Should I tell my sister...

Last weekend my nephew came over. Backstory to this is that when I was on vacation, he had a huge fight with my neighbor's boy who is his best friend. There was even a huge meltdown at the boys house. My nephew swore he was never going to speak to this boy again.

Flash forward to last weekend. He came over and then went outside. Then he came back looking sad. I asked what was wrong, he said nothing. After awhile, I asked him why he was mad at the boy. Through a series of questions, I was more confused. He said he was not mad, he was not sad, he was not angry. Finally I asked him why he would not tell me. He said because his mom would be mad at him. I promised that as long as no one was hurt or dead, I would not tell his mom.

After about 10 minutes he broke down and started crying. He said his mommy was going to hate him. Finally he said that it mad him so sad when he moved to Virginia. And his mommy told him they are moving to Washington. He said he didn't want to have any friends so that he was not sad like that.

I started to cry. He let me pull him in my lap. I hugged him hard and told him that if he moved to Washington, I promised that I would, or Papa would go and get him so he could see his friends during the weekends when his mommy said it was okay.

Now I don't know what to do. I feel as a mother, I would want to know. However, my sister is not in a reasoning mood. After all, she married a sex offender---how much reason can she have in her head? Also, I don't make promises I don't think I can keep to my nephew. He knows when I promise him something, I don't go back on it. This is necessary due to his Asperger's.

I just don't know.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-03-2009, 11:30 PM   #2
Schroed74
Visitor
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

If you told your sister, do you think it would do any good for your nephew? I agree if it was me I would want to know, same as you. But I think we as parents put our children and their well being before everything. From what I have read about your sister, she doesn't seem to put her kids as a very high priority. And if your nephew said she was going to be mad, he is probably right and it could be very hard on him after she found out what he told you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 12:12 AM   #3
Alejandra
Setting New Standards
 
Alejandra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA - right side
Posts: 925
Rep Power: 183
Alejandra has a brilliant futureAlejandra has a brilliant futureAlejandra has a brilliant futureAlejandra has a brilliant futureAlejandra has a brilliant future
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Ugh - what a terribly sad predicament. Lisa, I would not tell her. It doesn't seem like it would make a damn bit of differencet to her whether or not her son wants to move or not & she'd only be angry at your nephew for breaking her secret - which could cause far worse problems for him and you. For example when (if) she does relocate she may refuse to let you see him anymore.
Alejandra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 12:39 AM   #4
muskiedad Male
the one who babbles

 
muskiedad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: ontario
Posts: 6,122
Rep Power: 302
muskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legendmuskiedad Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Forgive my not knowing the background on either your nephew or sister, however, could you speak to your nephew and ask his permission to ask his mom that you are willing to provide him with transportation for these visits? Failing that, could you mention to your sister that you think your nephew would benefit from such visits and you were willing to help facilitate these visits? Either way you can keep your promise. I don't envy the position you are in, his trust is worth a great deal. Good luck.
muskiedad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 08:02 AM   #5
idig Female
SFV JUNKIE!!!

 
idig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Alabama
Posts: 6,665
Rep Power: 304
idig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legendidig Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

I agree with the other that you should, for now, keep his trust.

I don't think it would be taken or handled by her is the right way. Just one more thing Lisa is finding fault in blah, blah, blah. I cannot see any good coming from telling her. And you will have broken a promise to B. I think right now he may need to know there is a safe someone he can share these things with more than someone who will try to make an unreasonable person see reason, you know?

Maybe B talking with you about it will be the beginning of him asserting his feelings to his mom.

Either way, my heart is heavy for the kiddo this morning. Poor little fellow.
__________________
Sure as night will follow day. Most things I worry about. Never happen anyway. ~ Tom Petty
idig is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 10:18 AM   #6
alexmichele07 Female
Sparkles & Glitter

 
alexmichele07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Home
Posts: 1,824
Rep Power: 200
alexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Support
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Your sister isn't you. She puts her needs above her kids. The only thing you will accomplish by telling her is losing your nephew's trust. She won't change her plans to move just because it upsets your nephew. I'd say the best thing you can do is keep your promise and pick him up on the weekends.

Or, I know you mentioned this before, what about having him live with you?
alexmichele07 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 11:07 AM   #7
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 408
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

I would take him in a second, but no way would my sister agree to that.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 11:07 AM   #8
confused1996 Female
Board Beacon Parent

 
confused1996's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Saint John NB
Posts: 1,814
Rep Power: 175
confused1996 has a brilliant futureconfused1996 has a brilliant futureconfused1996 has a brilliant future
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Lisa this is a hard position for you to be put in. But I agree with everyone else dont tell her she will not listen from what you have told us. Good luck.
confused1996 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 11:21 AM   #9
alexmichele07 Female
Sparkles & Glitter

 
alexmichele07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Home
Posts: 1,824
Rep Power: 200
alexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Supportalexmichele07 Is Rocken These Boards With Support
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Have they actually moved yet or are they still in the process? You could offer to take him temporarily to make it easier on her while she's moving... would she go for that? Then after that offer to keep him until the semester's over so she doesn't have to mess with him switching schools mid-semester? Think she'd go for that... if it was presented as being short-term to make it easier on her?
alexmichele07 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 11:25 AM   #10
LSL Female
The blunt one;)


 
LSL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere on the left coast
Posts: 11,334
Rep Power: 408
LSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support LegendLSL Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

That's a thought. I will have to think this one over.

They have not moved yet. In fact, they do not even know if he is going to be stationed in Washington. She is doing alot of assuming and putting her kid through a ton of stuff for maybe nothing. Likely, he won't move until the spring, though he is trying to get that moved up to October.

My sister talks about doing thing like, "When we go shopping the day after Thanksgiving" and so on. So, I really think that she won't move until after B's semester is over. She has already talked about not moving mid-semester.

You all are reinforcing what my initial gut is. I don't think she would believe me and so therefore, I just end up breaking B's trust for nothing. I may need that trust later in life. He needs a safe person and right now I am it.
__________________
“If your expectations aren’t to be the best, then… you know, nobody rises to low expectations.” - Chip Kelly, coach of Oregon Football.
LSL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 11:38 AM   #11
nadee_09 Female
At A loss for Words - NOT!

 
nadee_09's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Straight Ahead....
Posts: 1,607
Rep Power: 167
nadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond reputenadee_09 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Law Student Lisa View Post

You all are reinforcing what my initial gut is. I don't think she would believe me and so therefore, I just end up breaking B's trust for nothing. I may need that trust later in life. He needs a safe person and right now I am it.
Yes, I think its best if you dont break that trust your nephew has in you. If he ever needs you later, he may just feel comfortable going to you knowing he can trust in you.
nadee_09 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2009, 05:23 PM   #12
Bluemoon Female
just an old hippie chick

 
Bluemoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the Mountains
Posts: 8,583
Rep Power: 359
Bluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support LegendBluemoon Is a SFV Support Legend
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

I read this this morning and have been thinking about it all day...thinking exacyly what everybody here is saying. Telling her is pointless and potentially harmful to B.
My heart goes out to the kid. It's hard enough for him to establish relationships without the "army brat" routine thrown in. Sis needs an enema!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone, Daughter, where your backbone ought to be. Clementine Paddleford


To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable. ~Barry M. Goldwater and Jack Casserly, Goldwater


Life is all about how you handle Plan B. ~ off a Blue Mountain Arts calendar
Bluemoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2009, 07:27 AM   #13
pann71 Female
Board Beacon Parent

 
pann71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 1,401
Rep Power: 177
pann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angelpann71 Has Heart and Soul of an Angel
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

You don't have to tell your sister that he told you anything.

Children with Aspergers have a hard time adjusting to new situations and working through normal friendship problems.

I would just start a casual conversation with your sister about how she thinks she he is going to adjust to the situation! Then you have your opening into discussing the fact that you believe that he is very upset by this move. Take the pressure off your sister so she does not put up her defenses and maybe she will have a clearer mental picture into how this is all affecting him!
__________________


Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue!!
pann71 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2009, 03:24 PM   #14
behindtheseeyes
Parent on Board
 
behindtheseeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 130
Rep Power: 105
behindtheseeyes has a brilliant futurebehindtheseeyes has a brilliant futurebehindtheseeyes has a brilliant future
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

I agree that you shouldnt tell. I dont know about your sister's situation but from what im reading in this post it doesnt sound like she would reconsider for the sake of her son.

Your nephew or any child at that needs someone to trust and right now your that person. If i were you I wouldnt take the chance and risk losing his trust.

Even if she does wait until the semester or school is over why dont you suggest that he stay until she gets settled. Then take if from there. If you can care for him long term maybe you can continue extending his stay with you.

If her needs come first once she moves she might decide her life is easier without him to take care of and leave him with you altogether.
behindtheseeyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2009, 05:57 PM   #15
Jaqueline
I am New
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 2
Rep Power: 0
Jaqueline is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Should I tell my sister...

Personally for the sake of your relationship with your nephew I would not tell your sister, that's what you promised him. I would make sure you maintain communication with him so he can talk to you about how he's feeling, etc. Chances are nothing would change even if she had this information- not enough to make it worth it anyway. It sounds like you're an important person in your nephews life and he needs that trusting relationship with you. I'm sorry you're in that difficult position.
Jaqueline is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Resources: youngrobin.com
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:08 AM.

Some parent places to visit:
A Single Parents
Parent Arium
Solo Parents
Single Parent Personal Ads



Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SoloParent
Go Like Us On Facebook = facebook.com/SingleParentsInformation
Powered by vbulletin

All forums, topics and discussions are geared to single parents and the issues faced with single parenting.
Support a single parent today and one will support you back!

A Community for single parents, step parents and blended families

Disclaimer Under Section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for "fair use" for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing. Non-profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use.