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Old 12-16-2009, 10:06 PM   #1
confusedbutnotdazed
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love Falling for a friend (long)

I am single and I have fallen for friend through work, who I have known for just over a year, is due with her first baby in early 2010. The baby was a surprise with a guy she has been dating about a month at the time. She has gotten engaged to him and has moved in with him (mostly due to family pressures it seems) but has put the wedding off to 2011 - although she is actively planning it, paying deposits, etc she doesn't seem hap-py at all. They don't seem to have much in common (he is unemployed, she makes 6 figures) and she has rarely mentioned him to me. When she does it is to say he is not smart, insensitive, doesn't have good prospects to get a job at his age, etc. She said she is and will be paying for everything, including him. At one point a couple of months ago she told me she would have left him after an argument if it wasn't for her baby.

We used to go out to dinner regularly alone(which were a lot like dates) and flirt via IM regularly at work, but I held back on making any moves because we were coworkers. That stopped when she told at lunch one day she was pregnant and engaged to the father because her family wanted her to get married before the baby was born. But she told me she wasn't sure and she had put off the wedding. I told her that I would be there to support her in any way but I would not get in the way as they got to know each other.

Now, I know I'm having strong feelings for her. I daydream about her constantly, we talk, email, txt and IM with personal conversations at work (not on the weekend). I think about her all the time. She is the first thing I think about in morning and the last thing at night. I smile whenever I think about her. She seems to have most of the qualities that I want in someone I would love to spend my life with. This became especially true recently when we were traveling together for work and spent a lot of time together including sharing personal things and pictures. During the whole trip she was bickering with him because he would call during the work day with trivial questions and they argued because he didn't want pick her up at the airport when our plane got in late at night. I had an urge to become very protective and wanted to pamper her and make sure she was comfortable walking, on the plane ride back and safe going home if he wouldn't pick her up. (He eventually did pick her up after several phone calls, arguments and hang ups). I had a strong urge to kiss her at one point on the plane but I did not and I have not told any of this - but I assume its obvious to her. I don't know how she feels.

If we did connect romantically, I know my life would change dramatically, but I don't care. I have a good job, make over 6 figures and I dream about us as a family in the suburbs and I don't care if this baby is not mine. I know we would be the good friends we are, good partners in raising the baby and and good lovers. The attraction seems strong.

If you were her, what would you want me to do? Should I put myself out there and tell her my feelings? Or would that be selfish of me and I should keep quiet and try to but hewr in the friend compartment and move on? Am I crazy for even thinking about this? A good friend single mother of mine says I am for want to take on baby daddy baggage.

Any advice would be awesome. I am really struggling with this.
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Old 12-16-2009, 10:35 PM   #2
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

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Originally Posted by confusedbutnotdazed View Post
If you were her, what would you want me to do? Should I put myself out there and tell her my feelings? Or would that be selfish of me and I should keep quiet and try to but hewr in the friend compartment and move on? Am I crazy for even thinking about this? A good friend single mother of mine says I am for want to take on baby daddy baggage.
First welcome.

Now, I tend to be a bit blunt, so I apologize upfront for that.

I would urge you emphatically to not tell her anything. She is committed to this guy right now. She is actively planning a wedding with him. I quibble with thinking that the only reason she is marrying him is because her family---there is more to this story that you are not getting.

You state she is your dream woman---my question for you is really? So you would like a woman who is marrying you not for love, but for a child? You would like a woman that talks negatively about you behind your back to another man? You would like a woman that belittles you to others? You would like a woman who tells others that your are stupid and a moocher? Really? Because to me that does not sound very nice at all.

If I were you, I would back away---fast as I could. You sound like someone who has his life together and is going places. There is someone out there for you without all of this stuff surrounding her. No matter if you are willing to be there for her, that baby does have a father. So that man will be in her and the babies life. Were she to leave him for you, would you be comfortable knowing that this man is not going to go away? He will be in her life.

Okay, that's my opinion Sorry if it was blunt....but I say this as someone that reads what you wrote and sees huge red flags. Good luck to you.
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Old 12-16-2009, 11:11 PM   #3
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

Thank you for being blunt. It's exactly what I need.
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Old 12-16-2009, 11:34 PM   #4
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

Beware of being the rescuer...

1st, does she need rescued
2nd does she want rescued
3rd, are you in ove, lust or inlove with the "image" she may represent?

Best thing to do is be quite, and look else where.

I'm not know for being politiacly correct either.

Good luck
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:11 AM   #5
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

Great advice guys. I was also thinking he had a lot going for him......and doesn't need someone like her!
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Old 12-17-2009, 09:34 AM   #6
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

Confused, I did not answer earlier cause one would have to have the ability, and craft of articulating what i was thinking... I am more of a doer... But LSL hit it right on... I would not had been able to say it better, nor did i try...

Dad1 male perceptive spells it out perfectly...
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:29 AM   #7
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

Voice of experence. now 30 years later, I cannot even rmember her full name..
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:31 AM   #8
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

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Voice of experence. now 30 years later, I cannot even rmember her full name..
Not sure if that's experience or Alzheimers...
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Old 12-17-2009, 11:38 AM   #9
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Default Re: Falling for a friend (long)

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Originally Posted by comingup4air View Post
Not sure if that's experience or Alzheimers...
hoo, u mean 1.

"Oh, I'll never forget ol'what's her name..." (need music notes or singing smilie)
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