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Old 10-25-2010, 01:08 AM   #1
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While I try to figure out what title to give this posting, I guess I will just jot down my thoughts.

I realize over the years I've become isolated...between abusive relationships, weird working hours (nights/holidays/weekends), overall dislike of most people's manners and ways of handling themselves, changes in my friends' marital status/family size/location/kids/etc etc etc., and now the biggest change in my life my little girl who is getting so big so fast....and heck, I only get about 3 tv channels and no internet at my house so I am pretty much cut off from the world.

anyway, I digress...what "friends", I use the term loosely because it seems it is more at their convenience than mine, I have in walking distance from my house (that way the baby can get a stroll and some fresh air out of the deal and we have a purpose for our walk) greeted me the other day at 7pm by opening the front door only to tell me in not so kind words to take a hike I couldn't stop by for a few minutes.

I really only wanted a few minutes of someone's time who knows me, not some stranger, not some store clerk (like I could afford to buy anything anywhere anyway), just somebody who wasn't 15 months old and could carry on a conversation and make me feel like I'm still me, not just Ma, Mom, Mommy, Mim....

Don't get me wrong, I like the new me. I'm a good Mom, I'm a better person than I was before I had my child. I have learned what made me make some of the choices that have lead me to where I am now, and I have gained many tools to try to rebuild a new and better life. But it doesn't mean my feelings don't get hurt and I don't feel pushed off to the side from time to time by people who say they are my friends.

I remember back when I delusionally thought I would have my child and return to my home a few weeks after giving birth (took almost a flipping year) telling this same person who turned me away that I expected to have a moment of shear and ultimate panic when I went home with my newborn child alone and the door slammed shut and my parents pulled out of the driveway and there we would be....my girl and I....just us....alone....scared....tired.....

and this person's reply was I'll be there, you won't be alone, you'll see.

Ya, I saw the door shut before I even turned around the other day...and yet I still try to maintain friendships with these people who flit in and out because why?
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:47 AM   #2
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Default Re: go away

Hum.... that's a tough one...... I can't imagine slamming the door in a friends face. I just can't. Sorry that it happened to you.
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:59 AM   #3
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Default Re: go away

Ouch! That really sucks! I don't know what to say except she is not a friend. I hope you can find better ones.
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:13 AM   #4
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Default Re: go away

That is an awful feeling. I give people the benefit of the doubt, perhaps too much so, so I thought perhaps having the door slammed was not so much a reflection on your relationship with them, but rather, perhaps some unknown crisis or such going on at the same time? It's no excuse for rudeness though.
I hope things improve, it can get lonely with small kids and few adults.
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:31 AM   #5
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Default Re: go away

Oh wow thats harsh, i cant imagine how that would make you feel, its so hard when people dont understand, people dont realise how lonely us single parents get.

I think in times of need you find out who your real friends are, as it turns out, i dont have many

When i was pregnant i was on my own (i split with the dad when i was pregnant then got back together when my son was born, now im on my own again) and because i was alone everybody would say oh if you need anything dont be scared to ask, or if you ever need a babysitter just ask

How many times have these ''friends'' helped me out since ive been alone? None, not once

People tell you what you want to hear, the thing is id rather hear the truth then i can decide which of my ''friends'' i want to keep in my life

I have nobody to chat to, nobody to visit for a cup of tea. It sucks but hey when i need to interact with aduts i come here!!
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:53 AM   #6
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Default Re: go away

I agree on the benefit of the doubt. I think it is worth one phone call, not an angry one, a call to ask maybe if you had interrupted or what not.

The thing is, your energy, in the end, can be better spent on making new friendships and sticking with those who you know are truly on your side...rather than using it to try and keep a dead relationship going with somebody on your street.

Maybe you could walk in another direction next time. Any other little girls in the immediate area? If so, walk by their house every evening when possible... start up some conversations. Clearly, having a door slammed is not ok.... I wouldn't knock again just as I wouldn't cross a busy road without looking. Not worth the outcome of your emotional well-being!

btw, sounds like you have one very lucky daughter to have a mom like you!
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Old 10-25-2010, 10:05 AM   #7
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Default Re: go away

I agree with re-mom......try walking the other way! One time I "doggie sat" for some friends, and every evening when I walked their dog, I was stopped by so many people who talked to the dog first, and then me! I've since learned kids serve the same purpose! Having a walk with your daughter is a great way to break the ice, as we adults respond to kids (and dogs) when otherwise we would just walk by each other averting our eyes! Keep walking!
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Old 10-25-2010, 11:15 AM   #8
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Default Re: go away

I am sorry that happened to you.

I feel compelled to run my mouth here, whether I should or not is questionable. It is entirely possible you use SFV mostly to vent and are different outside of here, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt, or dismiss entirely if I am off base.

First I have no idea why this neighbor treated you that way, but I am inclined to believe either there was something going on with her that has absolutely nothing to do with you and at the moment her immediate problem outranked being able to chat, or there is more to the history between you.

I don't know how to say this nicely, so I will just say it, knowing full well I am so very far from perfect myself and this is not meant as judgment but maybe as a chance to look in the mirror.

Most of your posts here come across as bitter, sour, put upon and angry. You get quite harsh with others, but don't seem willing to listen to other views. Heck, one time you started a fun thread about being single but you didn't like that people expressed views that weren't specific to what you were looking for, then later complained because people stopped responding.

What I am trying to say is you seem to be the common denominator in all this unhappiness, defensiveness, and bitterness that comes across in your posts. I am not trying to flame you in any way, I hope you know that. To build friendships it requires accepting people, warts and all, even if they don't live up to your standards. In turn they can accept us with our warts and all. Not dysfunctionately so, but you get my meaning hopefully. Your standards are pretty high, and pretty isolating from what I read here.

I do hope you gain some good friendships, life (single parent or not) is pretty tough without friendships.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:17 PM   #9
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Default Re: go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by idig View Post
Most of your posts here come across as bitter, sour, put upon and angry. You get quite harsh with others, but don't seem willing to listen to other views. Heck, one time you started a fun thread about being single but you didn't like that people expressed views that weren't specific to what you were looking for, then later complained because people stopped responding.

What I am trying to say is you seem to be the common denominator in all this unhappiness, defensiveness, and bitterness that comes across in your posts. I am not trying to flame you in any way, I hope you know that. To build friendships it requires accepting people, warts and all, even if they don't live up to your standards. In turn they can accept us with our warts and all. Not dysfunctionately so, but you get my meaning hopefully. Your standards are pretty high, and pretty isolating from what I read here.
I know which thread you are referring to and I was simply looking for some comments in a certain context. I wasn't complaining, I was trying to clarify so I apologize if my way of asking for clarification was offensive. As far as people not responding, it was upsetting to try to gain more positive thoughts only to be met with dead air.

Yes, I do have high standards because I am the only defense my child has to the cruelty that is unfortunately present in most of today's society so I do not want trashy people around her. I won't apologize for that, I'm doing my job as MomDad.

I know when I started on this forum I was still working through the grieving process so I was probably not as nice or supportive as I could/should have been, but I am not the only one on this forum who has handled things in what could be considered a bitter or offensive way, I just seem to be the one being called out on it. The sad thing is I thought I had made progress over the last 8 months and have received compliments on some of my posts or suggestions and concentrate on being honest even if it isn't necessarily what someone wants to hear.

I'm sorry Idig that you have a low opinion of me and feel that I am the common denominator. I guess I have failed once again.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:34 PM   #10
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Default Re: go away

I believe that everybody goes through states in life, in single parenting, etc. at different rates. People come to see the light of only being in control of themselves at different rates. We are NEVER done. I believe we all need to non-judgemental of somebody that may be in a different place than they are. I think for you virgo, this door closing truly goes with the saying of one door closes opens another. this is yet another step in growing yourself, growing your relationship with your daughter, learning where you are in the world, etc. Both figuratively and literally, I believe you need to walk in the other direction to find that open door.

iDigg I understand you are frustrated and I haven't been around to see all posts, but maybe even if Virgo has become defensive or upset it is still always an experience that soaks in. We all learn a little more about ourselves with every conversation, every action, every encounter. Sometimes we don't learn at that moment, sometimes we do. I'm in a different place....but there have been times in my life I've been where those that appear bitter or defensive have, I find it hard to believe there is anybody here that hasn't been there at one point or another. Whether for a day, a month, 3 years, whatever. I think we need to give Virgo the benefit of the doubt here, too and realize that whether it is liked or not, frustrating or not to a reader, maybe this is part of her working through it.

virgo, I don't have the brain power to write this without doing so with you as the subject, but I truly mean many many people. Here, FB, etc. We are all in different places emotionally, maturity-wise, etc. I love when i can learn from what others have been through, from how I handled something poorly, from how I handled something well. I truly believe we are all learning our way around this world until the day we die and we need to understand that every human is in a different place in that learning.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:35 PM   #11
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Default Re: go away

I have to agree with what Idig is thinking...not saying we are right for sure, but that I do get the same kind of impression.
You seem to find alot of fault with other people. There is the comment you made...very passive aggressively...about the kid on the scooter, and then you seemed to think it was somehow offensive that the woman called you on your comment and found something else to critisize her about.
Which was the offensive part? When the kid rode by on it or when it was just laying there while he played?
It's not that the scooter was effecting you as much as that you just dissapproved.
You seem very judgemental of others...as evidenced right here:

Quote:
overall dislike of most people's manners and ways of handling themselves
Now, this is something all people tend to be prone to, ____, I'm doing it right now (being judgemental) but what I am seeing is that you tend to be pretty intolerent of people who do not keep to the script you have in your mind for them and it makes you come across sometimes not just as judgemental but as "holier than thou".
You tend to compare yourself to others in terms of morals, values and responsible behaviors and find them wanting...alot.

I think it's great that having a child inspired you to take a good long look at the problems in the way you had been living up to that point, but just realizing it does not give a person the right hold the rest of the world to such high standards.
That kid having his scooter there didn't mean his mother was "trash." Yeah, it probably wasn't the best idea to be riding it in there, but unless it was causing a serious problem for many then your comment was unwarrented.
It's fantastic that you turned it (your life) around, but all it entitles you to is the right to make a better future for yourself.
It does not entitle you to trust and help and understanding from those who watched what all happpened before you had your epiphany. It does not give you the right to look down upon those who haven't learned yet.

Avoiding people who are making big mistakes is different than feeling superior to them. Really, you are just luckier.

I live in a glass house in a way. I've made alot of mistakes. I've learned alot of hard lessons and am struggling to come back from the damage I allowed to be done. I have a long way to go.
So, I shouldn't be throwing stones.

My point is, neither should you. It's off-putting to those who knew us when.....
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:37 PM   #12
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Default Re: go away

Maybe what I should have said is that defense and anger are emotions we use when we are not ready or are not willing (or both) to deal with them in a different manner. It doesn't mean we don't learn from them. Yes, some never do, but I don't believe that is the case here.... I can see a lot of positive in the initial post. I lot of feeling confident, happy with changes that have been made and understanding that this is what it is... and is simply the next hurdle.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:38 PM   #13
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I am not in any way saying you've failed. The particulars of the "fun" thread are not as important as the attitude that comes across.

Again, I am not trying to insult you at all. Just letting you know how you come across, to me anyway. It really doesn't make a hill of beans what I think, unless it can be helpful to you. That is the only reason I said anything. I hate to think of anyone having to go it alone, as wonderful a job as single parenting is goodness knows adult conversation keeps us sane!
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:51 PM   #14
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While I agree to an extent with what Blue and idig are saying --- I want to add that I have seen a marked improvement in your recent posts -- both in your attitude and how you approach people. You have given some solid, positive, and supportive posts to others who have walked your in your steps......

One thing I think that would be helpful is to remember that while you are your child's last defense in this world --- you can not live life defensively. Others will view you and negative and critical that way. Also, you cannot place your child in a bubble --- eventually your child will get out from under that bubble and ____ breaks lose.

I want to say that as I have read your posts of the last 8 months, for me I have seen the growth in you. In the beginning it was hard for me to read what you wrote because there was so much anger, hurt, bitterness -- it made me uncomfortable. Now I see someone trying to overcome the ravages of the path that attitude left and it's hard, very, very hard. Would be for anyone. But I think you are an over-comer.

One more thing: You could look at being called out on your behavior as a negative thing and get defensive. Or you could look it as a way of people being vulnerable and honest with you in an effort to help you grow as a person and a member of this forum. Those that are rude and offensive on here that aren't called out -- it's not that people like them, more likely it is that people ignore them. I don't waste my words or time on people who are not going to listen or be open to change. So therefore, I don't "talk" to them.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:53 PM   #15
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Default Re: go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemoon View Post
I have to agree with what Idig is thinking...not saying we are right for sure, but that I do get the same kind of impression.
You seem to find alot of fault with other people. There is the comment you made...very passive aggressively...about the kid on the scooter, and then you seemed to think it was somehow offensive that the woman called you on your comment and found something else to critisize her about.
Which was the offensive part? When the kid rode by on it or when it was just laying there while he played?
let me try to clarify what upset me about the scooter...it was being ridden in a very crowded auditorium with many small children under the age of 3 by a boy who was probably 8 or 9 whizzing in and out among the crowd. I did not say anything directly to the mother...I did speak out loud that it was wrong, but I did not engage the woman. She chose to approach me and I responded by saying I wasn't going to have a discussion about it.

the mother claimed she had him take inside so it wouldn't get stolen but then he left it yards away and no one was paying attention to it. So where was her concern then?

The offensive part, in my opinion, was the inside use of the outside toy in a crowd of children, not how he treated his property, not how his mother handled things, and I did not pursue her to comment on the fact that he was suddenly not longer concerned about his prized possession.

and can you really tell me that people in general are nice anymore? how often do people hold open a door or say thank you or have a nice day or heck even make eye contact and smile. I feel we live in a very aggressive world where the economy, the housing market, the general strain on everyone is manifesting in poor behavior and a decrease in common courtesy.

maybe it is different in other geographic locations, but up here people seem to have forgotten the manners my parents made a point to teach me.

Thank you LSL, you are one of the last people I expected a compliment from, I know we have butted heads and don't approach things in the same way, but I also know you are "the blunt one" so there must be some true improvement.

and Re-Mom, yes I have been working through the process both with counseling and on this forum and I know I'm not the only one so thank you for pointing that out as well.

maybe when you start the journey of single parenting before the child is even born, it changes the way you view things...and there is a lot of really bad stuff I have simply never posted and probably never will that makes me who I am now - a bit "sharper" not as warm and fuzzy as some, but well intended because I have walked that path and the scenery can be very ugly if you don't head the warning signs.

many here know that, I'm sure I'm not the only one.
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Old 10-25-2010, 12:57 PM   #16
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Default Re: go away

Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgo69 View Post
and can you really tell me that people in general are nice anymore? how often do people hold open a door or say thank you or have a nice day or heck even make eye contact and smile.
When was the last time you made contact or smiled at someone first?

I do think that there are nice people in this world that hold doors, smile at babies, make eye contact......Still. I see lots of good things going on in my community to help those struggling. I have seen people give of themselves and their time. Those examples are there to be found -- but your eyes have to be open and looking.

About a year ago, I felt very similar to you and was disheartened by life in general. I woke up one day and made a pact with myself that I was going to find one thing about each day that was beautiful. I wanted so bad to see beauty in this world -- not ugly. And so it started with a flower bluming in a snowpile on day, the sun peaking through the clouds another, my daughter rushing to hold the door open for an elderly woman one day.... on and on.... those moments are there -- are you looking?
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Old 10-25-2010, 01:04 PM   #17
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Default Re: go away

Virgo I can only speak for myself. I worked long hours (18 hr days) lately and took today off to run errands, and vote in our municipal election. I stopped in traffic to allow others to pull in......I held the door for a guy on my way into the bank, and an old lady on the way out. I also stood aside for a very flustered customer there so they could clarify something with the teller, after they had already left the bank. I parked at the far corner of the lot so seniors (Monday always seems that way at this bank LOL) could park closer. I went to vote (it's our municipal elections today) and since it is a small town, chatted with some of the officials there. I held the door for some seniors (like I said it's a Monday LOL) on my way out, and went to the far end of the parking lot and got into the car to come home.
Every step of the way today people said thank you to me. Maybe it's a Canadian thing but courtesy is not out of style! Those are the values I try to instill in my boys too, that no matter how rushed we are, being polite is important.
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Old 10-25-2010, 01:11 PM   #18
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Default Re: go away

I should clarify, too.

What I am saying I see in you, I know that I have also done and have to stay vigilent against doing all the time. Made me very hesitant to write any of this, in fact.

When I get stressed...really stressed - and from what you have posted I am sure that you are very, very, stressed and insecure situationally right now - I have a tendency to find fault with people around me. I mean in person. My sense of tact tends to take a hike to some degree, too. If someone has critisized me in some way......ooooofff.

For instance, I met a woman who disliked me on sight. The reason was because her husband was a real dog and she saw him look at me with interest and therefore she felt threatened....blah, blah, blah.
However, as much as I understood what was going on, it still hurt my feelings that she felt that way towards me.
As time went on, the stress in my life increased, my sense of security took a beating and
I expressed all that inner turmoil I was feeling by making horrible, judgemental comments about that woman. They weren't neccessairly untrue, but they were none of my business and they came across as catty...at best.
She wasn't the only one to suffer my emotional dysfunction. It's amazing the things you can resent and how difficult it can be to keep that feeling to yourself when you are under so much stress.

I regret it now....very much. Those who heard the things I said do not understand what was going on inside me at the time. They know that I hardly have a stellar track record of making good decisions in life and that maybe I shouldn't be so quick to talk about what I think is wrong with everybody else!
I'm sure I put alot of people off with that ____...and worse, I don't want to be that person who does that.

BTW: It's not blatant...not openly mean or anything (usually)...it's just, it begins to permiate and it can really go off the wall if someone "bad" gets something good that no-one feels they deserve.
To most, it would just be a shrug of their shoulders and a "well, how about that?", but if what they get could really help me if I had gotten it instead...I would resent it and probably not have alot of nice things to say about that person...but others will not see why, they will just see me behaving in a very critical an unattractive way.

I hope I am making some sense.
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Old 10-25-2010, 06:13 PM   #19
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Default Re: go away

I hope I didn't start anything by "defending Virgo's position" at all and I hope I didn't "offend" you virgo. I guess I'm simply quite tolerant and understanding and though I get frustrated when people appear to focus on the bad (not saying that is what you are doing) I also look at them as "in need" because there are times in all of our lives where we tend to do that, some of us are more aware than others when we are doing it. Lord knows I've fallen into it, too. I just think that no matter what, if we all work to be more tolerant and understanding than we ALL grow a little bit more.

And YES there are kind, friendly, understanding, thankful, etc. people in the world. I believe more are than are not, but if we treat people with bitterness and upset the human reaction is to back off at best and second best become defensive or angry..... what we sometimes forget to do is figure out why a person is acting and feeling the way they are because there is ALWAYS something behind it, and almost always it is something hidden, typically something they don't even realize is inside of them.

I'm a huge believer that most people are truly good, truly loving...they just do not feel safe enough to or maybe don't know how to let that out. I'm way off topic here, I realize that. babble on sue, babble onLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


OK SO, I believe you need to look at all the possible reasons that door was closed on you the other evening. I believe if this person is worthy of your friendship and somebody you want to give your friendship to that you should pick up the phone, apologize for knocking and possibly interrupting and see if there may have been some reason that he/she acted in such an abrupt manner. If there is more to the story you will need to factor that into your decision whether to call or not and whether it is worth your time and energy (time/energy that can be spent on things with a more likely positive outcome should there be something we don't know about this story). If they are worth it, CALL. If not, brush it off, turn the other way out of the driveway and don't look back.

---------- Post added at 05:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemoon View Post
When I get stressed...really stressed - and from what you have posted I am sure that you are very, very, stressed and insecure situationally right now - I have a tendency to find fault with people around me. I mean in person. My sense of tact tends to take a hike to some degree, too. If someone has critisized me in some way......ooooofff.
.
I totally agree with this and i think ONLINE for me it intensifies. I feel much safer here and I feel like it is a place where I can let out my true emotions. In person, I'm more likely to brush things off... but I find here (and my other club) a place where I can let out some of these sorts of moments, I find it therapeutic, get it out, put it in type and leave it there -- never to come back inside of me. I wonder, Virgo, if this is sort of where you are at, at this point?
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