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Old 09-18-2013, 11:57 AM   #1
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humm Same mistakes...

How do you talk to someone who you see making all the same mistakes as you did, when you were a scared, alone, pregnant parent?

So there are several people in my life right now I see making the same bad choices I made out of fear and desperation, and I don’t think they realize (like many of us did not) the permanence of their choices.

-My bff is suddenly stricken at the thought of raising her baby (we found out it was a boy) alone. The baby’s father is foreign- not a US citizen. She came here with the expectation he would be applying for a visa and following her as soon as he could, and sending her money in the meantime. He has made no attempt to get here, she caught him sleeping around in the foreign country, and he has no job and has sent no money. When this was all discovered, he said my bff should just marry him so he can come over and be a citizen through marriage….. (so he wouldn’t have to work to do it himself, basically). Meanwhile, my bff has secured GREAT employment for her education and skill set, gotten health insurance through that job, and made enough waitressing to get a car. At the ultrasound a few weeks ago she seemed resolute to do this herself, and that she couldn’t make the baby’s dad do anything.

A few days ago she called me weeping and saying she was just going to marry him and bring him here and she didn’t want any other dad for her baby and she didn’t want to do this alone (she is very alone right now because only I know, and she won’t tell anyone else- planning on moving and avoiding everyone while she’s showing- not realistic I know). I’m just flabbergasted she thinks someone who has shown so little respect and initiative for her and her baby should be someone she is tied to forever, and teaching their son the same things…. The baby’s dad is of the South American type who thinks nothing of women serving them so to speak- I have no doubt if he came here he would sit around and let my bff support all of them.



-A school friend of mine just had her baby over a month early. The dad is instable, hasn’t been around, and is a druggie more of the time than not. She, too, was strong, and now suddenly the dad is being around (easy when the baby is still in the hospital- no responsibilities yet) so now she wants to put him on the BC and name the child after the father (he would be Sperm Donor III). Given his past this is a terrible idea.



I want to be supportive but I don’t know what to say. I’m almost angry as I watch them make these mistakes- but I’m not their mom, or anything. But how do I reach them about these things? Any advice?
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:04 PM   #2
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

all one can do is share your story and your hindsight after it was all done. Its up to the listener to choice to do with that knowledge what they choice to do with it... Keep them in your prayers too.
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

up, what Mom said.....
I hate watching a train wreck that I am helpless to stop.
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:17 PM   #4
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

Exactly D1. I almost want to just cut myself off and refuse to be a part of it anymore.... but that's not supportive at all
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Old 09-18-2013, 12:20 PM   #5
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

Be honest in a Loving manner. Not judgmental, just from a person who has made those mistakes.
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Old 09-18-2013, 04:12 PM   #6
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

Yes i agree with the others, there's not much you can do but offer your support and advice (when asked).

for the longest time i watched one of my bffs date loser after loser (they wouldn't be unemployed, alcohol issues, basically sponging off her--she would bring home the bacon and then have to clean the house and pick up after them and support their a$$es). i was so afraid she would marry one of them! thankfully, she did not...the last one, there was not only a bff intervention, but her family got involved, thank god, so with all the voices singing the chorus, i think it helped her come to terms with the things she knew deep down and she got out of an emotionally unstable relationship. cut to years later, she is now married to a sweetheart, responsible, wonderful (financially stable which is a plus) man and they are expecting their first baby at the end of the year. !!

but for years...we all worried about her. i shared my concerns but then i was always nice to her boyfriend--i valued my friendship with her--and at least the ex was sensible enough not to alienate me. so i was careful--sharing concerns, being a supportive friend, but also when he would do something super inconsiderate/inappropriate/lame/dumb a$$ bull, i'd be there to support her and be a consistent voice that she deserved better and things were not fair. i wasn't overbearing...i just kept repeating that "my wish for her was that she could see she was so deserving of being treated better"--"my wish was that her boyfriend could change his actions and treat her the way she deserved to be treated" etc...

i think stating it that way helped take the judgmental sting out of it, maybe, i don't know. maybe not. but i tried always to nestle my advice and statements in the context that i was saying these things because i cared about her.

i think sharing your story will be helpful, but only if they are open to listening to it. if you do decide to dispense advice and be there for them--remember that you are giving advice as best as you can, and you can't control whether they listen to you. it can be frustrating, like you are trying to give a gift and they return it to you, you know?

at the end of the day, if you do find it too stressful to be around the 'train wreck' so to speak, only you can know what you're comfortable with. i know that having children kind of made me draw the line with certain friendships--raising my kids is simply time consuming, so the outer circles of people fell to the way side. the other thing tha thappened, this divorce i went through also really did a weeding for me--i have been lucky to be surrounded by people whose friendship i value and who i can see they are genuine, not just fairweather types.

omg sorry for the ramble. good luck cf with your friends--reading a bit about them, my heart hurts for them and i pray that they make better choices than many of us did in similar shoes... xoxox
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Old 09-21-2013, 04:48 AM   #7
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

I agree also. Share what you've learned, but don't be pushy.
Exactly how to handle it is hard to say when I don't know your friend. Everyone is different and you have to help them the way that works with them and your relationship with them.
My story with a completely different situation, but same theory.

One week ago tonight ( while driving home late night from taking my daughter to visit her mom for the weekend ), I got a text from an old school friend.
I'm not a spring chicken so a school friend means somewhere over thirty years ago even if I met them on graduation day.
I haven't seen my buddy in several years because we're both busy and he lives about 3 1/2 hours from me.
Anyway the friend's text says his future ex just packed her bags and moved out that day.
I was stopped so I sent a text back, then I was going to text him again but I figured out that this wasn't a texting subject and I needed to call him.
I never really knew his future ex and only talked to her a couple times but she seemed decent and they seemed to be good for each other.
Well we ended up talking for an hour, then texting back and forth for a couple more hours after that.
All I did was share what I knew and be a friend. It helped him.

What you need to do is be a friend and share what you know.
What you say and how you say it is completely dependent on your relationship with them and what the best way to get through to them is.
Don't let it ruin your relationship with your friend though.
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Old 07-10-2014, 11:00 AM   #8
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

Every person's nature is to make mistake in their life and do not give any try to learn from others life. They pretend as their situation is different. But almost all of the cases are similar. People realize when there is no more time
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:39 AM   #9
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

Yeah, I'm watching neighbor turnef friend going through stress and tears regularly over her baby's dad who even cheated on her. She constantly is demeaned. Isn't allowed to wear shorts because he set these rules that she has to follow to please him. He even took off around the time their newborn got sick and didn't hurry back to see how the kid was. He's such a liar but a liar with charm. I let my kid's mother control me for years and sadly it looks like the same will happen to my friend too because even bold face lies haven't been enough to free her from the delusions that he'll change or that he should have faced consequences for his selfishness.

It bothers me alot. She's so good to my daughter, who listens to her very well. What's worse is I know the kind of guy I am, one who'd rather settle down in life. Have a household to go home to and I can't help but like her. So, double whammy. I'm not any better really, I kept giving my kid's mom the famous "One last chance" dozens of times until it took being a dad raising this kid and even then, I still folded once in a while when she "needed" money to "borrow". Just hate seeing someone I'm fond do the same routine.
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:23 PM   #10
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

No matter what you say to her right now you will only alienate yourself. I don't think that sharing your story will help because she figures that won't happen to her.

Hormones and desperation lead people to make stupid decisions. If you feel you are in a fragile state yourself then sadly I suggest that you move away from this friendship. After she sinks, she will understand and if she opens up the doors of communication, you can decide at that point if it is healthy for you.

There is no shame in showing no support for bad choices or removing yourself from the situation until you can handle watching her crash and burn.
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Old 09-02-2014, 07:40 PM   #11
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Default Re: Same mistakes...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgo69 View Post
No matter what you say to her right now you will only alienate yourself. I don't think that sharing your story will help because she figures that won't happen to her.

Hormones and desperation lead people to make stupid decisions. If you feel you are in a fragile state yourself then sadly I suggest that you move away from this friendship. After she sinks, she will understand and if she opens up the doors of communication, you can decide at that point if it is healthy for you.

There is no shame in showing no support for bad choices or removing yourself from the situation until you can handle watching her crash and burn.
Oh I know. Just needed a place to put my thoughts for feedback. I didn't put it here to find some magic advice. Can't exactly move far from this friendship, our kids our best friends. Even if given a chance, I wouldn'twant to rush into anything with anyone. It only took once to learn a hard lesson. I have however communicated less and critiqued less. She helps with my kid alot its nice to know I at least for now have a female friend for my kid to go to for now. Hence the reason I hate seeing the same mistakes being made that I made.
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