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Old 03-04-2008, 10:38 PM   #1
commcaj
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Hello, My name is Cynthia and I signed up for this group to get as much info as I can to help my little bro. Quick synopsis of the situation:

Brother joined the Air Force in March '06, married his fiance in June '06. The plan was that she would move in with him as soon as he got base housing (there's a waiting list). Since that time he has turned down 2 houses on base because she has refused to move in with him. She is now about 6 mo along, (still) refusing to move in with him, threatening to give the baby up, threatening to divorce him, basically treating him like ****.

Brother needs all the help and support he can get from family and friends. What I would like is starting places of things to tell him like, what are his legal rights to his unborn child (how to get custody, etc), where can he go for info on raising an infant alone (he's never changed a diaper) and how can I best support him emotionally (he's afraid of what people will think if he divorces his pregnant wife).

Can he even be a single parent in the AF with the deployment schedules, etc? His wife is a horrible person and the child will be better off with him, but what now?

The thing that sucks is I live in NC, he's in ND, and the wife is in WI. I'm trying to help him sort this all out, but it's complicated.

HELP! And thank you all. I don't know you yet, but props to you on doing a great job at something that's not easy (raising kids that is). Also, thank you for your service to this country.

Cynthia
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Old 03-06-2008, 09:13 PM   #2
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Wow there is alot to discuss here I hope I can help. First I'm in the Air Force myself, going on 17 years and I'm now a single father of 2 girls. My first question is: Why is she not with her husband? From what you have told me, it looks like she is probably never going to move in with him.
Second if he has tried everything in his power to love her with all his heart and she is still not wanting to move forward with there relationship. Then he needs to seek out a lawyer and get some advise. If he is the biological father he has rights just as she does.
Next queston: He can be a single parent in the AF but its hard. They have something called a dependent care plan that dictates where the children will go when he is deployed (Mother/Father, grandparents, guardian, etc.) It mandatory for all single parents in the military. If he wants to see his child, he may need to seek councel quickly. He also can get advice from base legal office. I hope this helps....sorry if I was all over the place. Good luck
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Old 03-10-2008, 06:13 PM   #3
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Hi Tim, Thank you for your reply. In response to your questions, I will do my best to answer them. My info is based on personal observation from the time they started dating until I moved here and after that what my brother tells me. (I'm 2 yrs older than he is and have known this sensitive guy his whole life, I've gotten pretty good at reading-between-the-lines.)

As far as "the wife" not moving to ND, at first she was going to wait until he got a house, then her mom "was sick," then she had to wait to give her notice at work until they got more help, etc, etc. The more time that passes, the more my family realizes that this "woman" will never leave her mother (she's 27 and has never moved out of her parents house).

I spoke to my brother this past weekend and he told me that he got a house on base and can move in at the end of the month. He also said that if she doesn't move in within 30 days he loses the house. I think he's still hoping that she will change her mind and move out there by him. (Sadly he's kind of a hopeless romantic, people have always taken advantage of him.)

I have told him that he needs to get a lawyer. He has a concern that if he uses the base legal office that they'll take him off his duties and put him on "light work" so his "mental anguish" doesn't compromise his ability to do his job. I keep trying to tell him that this isn't about him anymore, he needs to think of his child first and himself and his career second. Arrghh! Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm just rambling now.

I wish I could help him more, but my husband and I just moved to NC and aren't in a position to move near to my brother. Also, (perhaps mean to say) he has "made his bed" and now has to deal with the consequences. Thank you so much for your support. I am trying to talk my brother into joining this site so he'll have some sort of support group.

BTW, have you read a book by Armin Brott, "The Single Father?" I'm trying to find a good book for my brother about baby care, parenting, etc, but unfortunately they are all geared towards either the mother or a father who is with the mother. There doesn't seem to be much info out there for a father raising an infant alone.

Thank you again, Tim

Sincerely, Cynthia
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Old 03-10-2008, 06:44 PM   #4
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Hi Cynthia and welcome to the forum.
Do ask your brother to check in here...it's one of the best books I can think of....how many other books can you ask a question of and get an answer?
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Old 03-10-2008, 09:09 PM   #5
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Cynthia,

I've not read that book but it sounds like something I will check out. Tell your brother that going to base legal will not impact his career at all, they are there to give legal advice. Also, he can talk with the base chaplain if he wants to vent. Thank you
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Old 03-13-2008, 08:55 AM   #6
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THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!

You are all so kind and wonderful. My heart has been breaking for my brother and the challenges that he is and will be facing. I am so desperately trying to help him from this distance that separates us.

I have given him the link to this site and told him that it's wonderful and that he can remain annonymous. (He's very worried about people judging him though I told him the only person he should worry about is his child-to-be)

I have also told him that he needs to get a lawyer and have a game plan. Better to prepare for the worst, etc. If she somehow comes to her senses and decides to move out there with him, then fine, but if not at least he's prepared.

I had not thought of speaking to the base chaplain. What a great idea! That is something that he may do.

I had asked my brother if he had considered adoption and he told me he didn't want someone else raising his child. I feel that's a fair point on his part and am not debating him. She had threatened him with giving the baby up when it was born and not letting him see it, but I did research WI laws. Since the child was conceived within the legal bonds of marriage, even if it's not his biologically, legally his name will go on the birth certificate so she can't put the baby up for adoption without him signing off.

Did I mention that she hasn't been to the doctor at all during the pregnancy? She thinks she's due at the end of May. I'm also upset that since she doesn't know when she's due and my brother lives 11 hrs away, even if she bothered to tell him when she goes into labor he probably wouldn't make it in time for the birth. (This is HER second child)

Thank you all again so much...I'll keep you posted as the saga continues.

Cynthia
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Old 03-13-2008, 08:46 PM   #7
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Cynthia, I think you gave him some great advice. If anything else comes up just let us know if we can help. It will be very nice for him to join SFV, so I hope he does. Keep us posted.
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Old 03-20-2008, 03:16 PM   #8
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Hello again,

Just wanted to give you all an update. It's not much, but I've been feeling better about things:

My parents found out about the pregnancy and asked my brother what's going on. I know he was worried about how to tell them. That's off his shoulders. Also, my mom is a guidance counsellor in WI and has a great repoire (sp) with social workers, judges, and lawyers in the county where the wife lives. Now that mom is involved I don't feel so worried about me being this far away.

She actually took some time off work to go and just be with my brother to help him figure some of his "head" stuff out.

We also found out that the wife has recently gone to the doctor and gotten some pre-natal care. I'm very glad about that. I was scared for the child, but at least that is resolved. However, the interesting thing that did come out of her doctor visit, she's due May 12ish (unless she lied to my brother). May 12ish doesn't match up with his leave times last summer and fall, so now he has a different situation to consider.

I'll keep you posted.

Cynthia
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Old 12-25-2009, 12:59 PM   #9
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Default Re: brother in A.F, soon-to-be single da

Wow, i am sorry to here that. With so many single parents longing for a do right parent. The first thing your brother may want to begin with is a paternity test. If his fiancee is behaving this way the chances are she is not sure of the father. Every woman longs to have a do right father for their child.
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