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Old 02-28-2010, 12:14 AM   #1
mamabear87
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Default military and newborns

Being a former military wife myself I know how things go with having a baby while married to a military guy or having a baby with a military guy before marriage. I have a little different situation this time though. I am due in June and engaged to a wonderful man. Due to money problems that he is working out, he has not been able to finalize his divorce yet but will be real real soon (like hopefully within the next month or so). I got pregnant before we started "talking" and then dating (knew him through a friend before hand though and then moved into his place when the friend I was living with got evicted). The baby's bio dad is a good friend of his from his childhood. They are very very close and see each other as family/brothers. The bio dad has voiced his opinion on wishing for my fiancee to adopt the baby with the knowledge that he feels that he wouldnt be able to be the father figure that the baby deserves but wishes to still be in the baby's life in some form. With this being said, my fiancee wishes to adopt my son and if possible just be put down as the father on his birth certificate. Our only question at this point is would his name on the birth certificate be enough for him to clam him as a dependent with the military or would he have to do it another way for the military to accept it since we are not married and the child is not biologically his (something that the military wont know unless a paternity test is requested). Any advice on our best options with this would be great.
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:37 AM   #2
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Default Re: military and newborns

my guess is that he can be put on the birth certificate at birth and would never even have to adopt the child...
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:43 AM   #3
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Default Re: military and newborns

I honestly don't know how the military does it, but when my kids were born I told them who the father was (we were married) and it was never questioned. So, if you and he tell them he is the Dad then I would think that would be that and his name would be put on the BC. However, since you are not married, the military might very well request proof of paternity before providing benefits...but really, the BC should be enough I would think. Sorry, I know this doesn't help one bit, .
We have several new military members. I hope one of them can actually help, or I would think your fiance' could just ask. Tell them he has a baby on the way but is not married to the Mom yet and what do they require in order to include the child as a dependant?
Why not?
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:13 AM   #4
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Default Re: military and newborns

You need to go about this the "right" way from the beginning or you could run into HUGE problems down the road.

Bio dad knows he's the bio dad. He may not want to be a father right now, but 5, or 10, or 12 years down the road, who knows where his life will be?? People turn their lives around every day... If he doesn't legally reliquish his rights to the child, he can challenge you at any time and take you to court for visitation or custody regardless of who is on the birth certificate. All he needs is a paternity test and if he files with the court they will require it.

My advice would be to not name anyone as the father on the birth certificate. Leave it blank.

Go about it legally and once you are married, you can start proceedings for your husband to adopt your child. Once bio dad legally relinquishes his rights, he can't come back down the road and try to get visitation or custody. In the meantime, get yourself and your child on medicaid if you don't have other insurance.

Another thing to keep in mind is that naming your boyfriend as the father when he isn't could cause problems for him with his divorce. He's in the military and he's married and I don't see the military looking highly upon him having a child with a woman other than his wife.
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:51 AM   #5
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Default Re: military and newborns

AM has a VERY good point!
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:53 AM   #6
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Default Re: military and newborns

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemoon View Post
I honestly don't know how the military does it, but when my kids were born I told them who the father was (we were married) and it was never questioned. So, if you and he tell them he is the Dad then I would think that would be that and his name would be put on the BC. However, since you are not married, the military might very well request proof of paternity before providing benefits...but really, the BC should be enough I would think. Sorry, I know this doesn't help one bit, .
We have several new military members. I hope one of them can actually help, or I would think your fiance' could just ask. Tell them he has a baby on the way but is not married to the Mom yet and what do they require in order to include the child as a dependant?
Why not?
The problem is that he is still legally married and they know. They do know that he is seperated and will be finalizing his divorce at some point but they know he is married. So for him to come up with a child that is not from his wife (even if they are divorced by then) might bring in the problem and that is the reason we are not sure how to go about it.

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Originally Posted by alexmichele07 View Post
You need to go about this the "right" way from the beginning or you could run into HUGE problems down the road.

Bio dad knows he's the bio dad. He may not want to be a father right now, but 5, or 10, or 12 years down the road, who knows where his life will be?? People turn their lives around every day... If he doesn't legally reliquish his rights to the child, he can challenge you at any time and take you to court for visitation or custody regardless of who is on the birth certificate. All he needs is a paternity test and if he files with the court they will require it.

My advice would be to not name anyone as the father on the birth certificate. Leave it blank.

Go about it legally and once you are married, you can start proceedings for your husband to adopt your child. Once bio dad legally relinquishes his rights, he can't come back down the road and try to get visitation or custody. In the meantime, get yourself and your child on medicaid if you don't have other insurance.

Another thing to keep in mind is that naming your boyfriend as the father when he isn't could cause problems for him with his divorce. He's in the military and he's married and I don't see the military looking highly upon him having a child with a woman other than his wife.
The bio dad is not 100% convinced it is his (he is in denial almost 100%) but does understand that I keep telling him that the only other guy I was with around that time was a week before him. I was with him the week I O'd so for me to be pregnant by the other guy (when it was a week or more before I O'd) is close to impossible (the doc I last saw even agreed). He has adopted one kid (his wife was pregnant with someone else's baby when they got married) and feels no connection with that kid at all. Right now, with his line of work, he is not sure if he would make it to the next morning much less next week. With that being said, he is highly against having more kids if even having anything to do with his adopted son. He is to the point of signing over his rights now if he could (not sure if he can or not).

As for his divorce, his stb ex knows that he wants to be the father and even knows that we are engaged (she is engaged herself and they are staying "friends" for the sake of their daughter) so it wouldnt effect that but I am worried about what the military will think. They will be divorced by the time my son is born but not sure how to go about him adopting him. Also, his command knows that he is getting a divorce and that he has met someone that he is considering marrying at some point (they dont know we are engaged yet). He is close with many people at his command. Would it just be easier if bio dad signed over his rights and my fiancee legally adopt him rather then him going on the BC from a legal stand point and with the military?

I am trying to get medicaid set up for me and my daughter right now (been almost a month and they are taking their time. GRRR) so my son will be on it too. I was mostly looking at him being on the BC or adopting him early on so that my son would have his last name before he gets too old to realize that he has a different last name since we do plan on putting off our wedding till I finish at least my 2 year degree (tryin to get back in school so that I can get started) so as of right now we are looking at Mayish 2013 (my son will almost be 3).
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Old 02-28-2010, 02:13 AM   #7
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Default Re: military and newborns

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Originally Posted by mamabear87 View Post
Would it just be easier if bio dad signed over his rights and my fiancee legally adopt him rather then him going on the BC from a legal stand point and with the military?
Yes. Easier and legal. This is the only right way to do it.

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Originally Posted by mamabear87 View Post
I was mostly looking at him being on the BC or adopting him early on so that my son would have his last name before he gets too old to realize that he has a different last name since we do plan on putting off our wedding till I finish at least my 2 year degree (tryin to get back in school so that I can get started) so as of right now we are looking at Mayish 2013 (my son will almost be 3).
You can name your son Sam and call him Wilbur if you want. There's no law that says you have to call him the name that's on the birth certificate. My daughter's last name didn't change until she was 4, but she never knew any name other than the one I told her was her's. Her dad's last name is on her birth certificate, but I always used my last name. That's the one she always knew.

Also keep in mind that if something does end up going wrong between you and your boyfriend, if you have already put him on the birth certificate and given your child his name, you will regret it immensely. Of course you're not planning on anything going wrong. You're planning on spending the rest of your life with him...

But none of us here planned on being a single parent... and yet, here we are.
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Old 02-28-2010, 02:33 AM   #8
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Default Re: military and newborns

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexmichele07 View Post
You can name your son Sam and call him Wilbur if you want. There's no law that says you have to call him the name that's on the birth certificate. My daughter's last name didn't change until she was 4, but she never knew any name other than the one I told her was her's. Her dad's last name is on her birth certificate, but I always used my last name. That's the one she always knew.

Also keep in mind that if something does end up going wrong between you and your boyfriend, if you have already put him on the birth certificate and given your child his name, you will regret it immensely. Of course you're not planning on anything going wrong. You're planning on spending the rest of your life with him...

But none of us here planned on being a single parent... and yet, here we are.
so true. Well after I posted that response I talked to my fiancee and he said that he will talk to bio dad (they are roommates and live in VA) and then we could all set up a day sometime after my son is born (prob when we come up in Aug to visit them) to talk about it between the three of us. he really wants my son to have his last name but I did point out that it would only be a short time and all that should be important (and I should have seen it this way from the start) is that my son knows that he has a loving "dad" that might not be here every day but that really cares about him. Just like my daughter has her bio dad (aka daddy or dada) and "daddy robbie" as she calls him (my fiancee). Thanks for all the help yall. I think with this advice we are going to look at seeing if bio dad truly wants to sign over his rights and if so, do a legal adoption sometime in the future.

Now my only question from there is how would we go about the military side of things once he adopts my son? (he is a lifer and has been in for about 4 or 5 years now)
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Old 02-28-2010, 02:54 AM   #9
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Default Re: military and newborns

how do each of your families feel about the whole thing?
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Old 02-28-2010, 03:09 AM   #10
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Default Re: military and newborns

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how do each of your families feel about the whole thing?
Idk if bio dad even told his family but I do know that when they found out that his ex-wife is pregnant they told him it better not be his and if its not, he better not adopt it like he did with his son (this was before they were divorced). His family dose not think that he is a good father figure. As for my family, they only care that a "father" is payin child support (my fiancee already plans to help as much as possible aside from visiting when he can). And my fiancee's family said something about him adopting the baby at christmas. They would prefer my son to be biologically apart of the family but would still accept him just like he is.
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