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Old 10-10-2009, 10:20 AM   #1
Carr
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Default Hello and help please

i have recently been told that i am a father to be, i am 18 and live in the Netherlands, and the girl is a friend of mine in Norway. as yet all i can do is panick and tear my hear out, because i am so surprised that this happened, as i used a condom and she was on the pill.
basically i just need some advice and any ideas on how to sort out my life are welcome.
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Old 10-10-2009, 12:10 PM   #2
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Default Re: Hello and help please

Take a deep breath. You are panicked right now and that is understandable but maintaining a level head will go far. Be supportive of eachother....chances are you are both scared. This is agreat place to vent and get ideas and advice so .....welcome!
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Old 10-10-2009, 01:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: Hello and help please

thank you,
yes, scared is a very good way to put it, am terrified and to make matters worse my Mother is Minister for the church of Scotland, so telling her will not be easy! any ideas?
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Old 10-10-2009, 01:19 PM   #4
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Default Re: Hello and help please

Yes, take a deep breath. I think telling your parents is necessary, though never easy. You might be pleasantly surprised by the support you get. I am sure initially it will be quit a shock.

My youngest daughter got pregnant and 18, had her child at 19. She was terrified of telling me. While I would not have chosen that path so early for her, it is what it is and she has handled it beautifully for the most part.

Are you in the Netherlands traveling or for school? I presume your family is in Scotland? What about your girlfriend?**ETA I just saw she is in Norway, what is the perception there - not that it really matters, only to have an idea of what the two of you are facing...

WE have a member here who live in the Netherlands. She said that teenage pregnancy is somewhat rare in the Netherlands, but it is not so uncommon in the UK is it? Only asking to get a feel for the kind of pressure you might be under.

Hold on tight, I know this is very scary - but it is not the end of the world!
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Old 10-10-2009, 01:42 PM   #5
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Default Re: Hello and help please

hi,
i live in the netherlands and have done for the past 6 years although i am actually a british citizen. in the netherlands teen pregnancy is not that common, but on the uprise a little, but in the UK it is quite popular, a lot of my old school friends now have children or are expecting.
The girl in question lives in Norway, we have been friends for about a year, and i have family there so regularly visit. but my step grand-parents (where i now live) are very strict religious, and i really do not dare to tell them.
i am currently studying photography in the netherlands and really want to finish the course, but also want to be there for the baby when it arrives.
i know that when i tell my parents, and grand-parents i will probably be told i have to marry her, and that is what really worries me. i mean don't get me wrong, i like her but i'm 18, and we are only friends.
but i am trying to figure out a plan, i just have a very big headache at the moment.
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Old 10-10-2009, 01:54 PM   #6
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Default Re: Hello and help please

Does the timeline add up?
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Old 10-10-2009, 02:32 PM   #7
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Default Re: Hello and help please

yes, it does i checked with the last time i went there, but i could be wrong, and so could she but it doesn't look that way, she has been checked out by a doctor, and he confirmed the dates the best he could.
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Old 10-10-2009, 03:04 PM   #8
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Default Re: Hello and help please

OK, again some decisions to make. How much longer do you have for your photography studies? What do you think the reaction might be if you refuse to marry her? My personal opinion marrying only for the baby is unfair to all three of you. You can be there, and be a father without entering into a marriage you are not ready for with someone you are not in love with.

What are your options here? Forgive my ignorance, but just how far from the friend are you? Are there dormitories for you to live in if your stepgrandparents disagree with your decisions?

All of this CAN be done, it will just take planning and adjusting. It is just a different road than the one planned, but there is a wonderful blessing in this situation. It won't be easy, but it will also be wonderful.

We are to listen and offer opinions. Welcome!
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Old 10-10-2009, 04:37 PM   #9
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Default Re: Hello and help please

have you been able to talk to the mother to be? How does she feel about you and your role?
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Old 10-11-2009, 08:17 AM   #10
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Default Re: Hello and help please

Hi Carr,

Welcome to the forum.

First off, take a deep breath.

You haven't really mentioned how your girlfriend and her parents are reacting to her pregnancy. I've never heard talk of it being a problem there

You are 18 and legally an adult, so no-one can force you to get married! Not your parents or grandparents, whatever their religious beliefs.

Trouwens, ik zou niet te veel persoonlijke informatie prijs geven over jezelf, wat je moeder doet, en zo.... Zoveel Schotse kerken zijn er niet hier ;-)

Veel sterkte!

Last edited by Marielle; 10-11-2009 at 08:28 AM.
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Old 10-11-2009, 10:48 AM   #11
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Default Re: Hello and help please

Hi Carr, and WELCOME!!!
Everyone has given you very good advice.
I can't help but think along the lines Bubba's Dad was here. If you really used a condom (which you would know) and she was really on the pill (which you probably only have her word for) every time, I would think the chances of pregnancy are rare enough to be seriously questioned. You don't have to be rude about it, but before you jumpoff the deep end over it...unfortunately you will have to wait for the baby to be born to get those answers. If you want them.
Meanwhile, if she is a friend and you care about her you can certainly be supportive...just don't let yourself be talked into signing legal things, making commitments, that you may come to regret.
All the best to both of you.
BTW: we have a very young girl here who got pregnant under some very upsetting circumstances. She is underage, her parents are VERY religious....she was terrified to tell them. Positive they would disown her. They didn't. They have turned out to be very supportive and understanding about the whole thing...apparently the boy's parents are doing the best they can with it as well.
We tend to think of our parents as being immune to the feelings and urges that we as young people "suffer" from. In truth, all the warnings and attitudes from them are because they understand all too well.
Some can't deal very well, but many you think wouldn't, do. You owe it to yourself to give them the opportunity to help you if they can and will.
It would break my heart into a million tiny pieces if my kids ever needed me and were too fearful to come to me for help.
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:22 PM   #12
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Default Re: Hello and help please

hello all and thank you all so much for your advice.
i followed the telling the parents thing, and sure enough i was wrong, they reacted calmly and did not disown me. however, and to my great dismay the girl has just told me that she doesn't want the baby. she wants to get an abortion.
it is by no means what i want, as i am a little bit against abortion unless for a good reason (there wasn't one here, i could have supported her) but i respect her wishes, and i also know abourt her home situation so i do understand. But i am upset that she has decided to terminate the life of what could have been my son/daughter.
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:46 PM   #13
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Default Re: Hello and help please

Carr....that's a tough break, no doubt about it. I am sorry for your sake that she has made this decision. Do be supportive of her. Do help her through this. This decision is not an easy one for a woman to make. It is not cavalier. There is pain and stigma that attaches to it, even if only in her own mind.

Now, because I am a mom, I have to give a bit of a lecture......please, please, please reconsider being intimate with someone who is just a friend. Sex is great, but the thing is that it carries so many consequences. This one was pregnancy. The next one could be fatal. I know that you were careful, but careful is only about 95% effective. For emotional reasons for all, wait until you have someone you are committed to beyond just a friend Okay, stepping down off the mom box.......excuse my lapse.

Good Luck Carr. I hope that you find peace and forgiveness for both yourself and the girl.
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Old 10-11-2009, 05:16 PM   #14
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Default Re: Hello and help please

I'm glad you told your parents and glad you got a different reaction than expected.

Sorry for what must be a difficult decision for you both. I hope you will support each other through this. There are no simple answers to the situation.

Good luck to you both.
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Old 10-11-2009, 05:35 PM   #15
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I am so sorry for your loss. This was a great lesson learned though. I'm sure you learned alot about your parents, yourself and life as a whole. Put this knowledge to good use. Be well.
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