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Old 12-13-2010, 02:53 PM   #1
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Exclamation He's not even the Baby daddy

My son has become involved with this girl who is pregnant by someone else she is 17 and he is 18 and will graduate in the spring....

I am next to freaking out here...I feel my children are pretty wise when it comes to there futures and having kids...specially given what there mom has went through...but I just found out this over the weekend. he say he cares about her they been through a lot. I told him he cares about her situation not her (well maybe he does) It appears that he has only been in this for about a month(he has known her for a while though) and she was pregnant when they decided they were going to date. she is not telling the real father that she is pregnant..and I dont know what I expect from my son..but I have told him to think long and hard before making any decision to give up what he has planned after graduating..(military)

I really dont know what the lady he lives with is telling him about this..but it really dont sound good to me....If it was his we would be having a different conversation but its not and maybe I am needing to know what she expects from him....

I know girls// they find a good guy and want to keep him trapped...I have told him that if I could of changed one thing when I had kids it would have been to wait til I was older in life...and he says that all those things make us who we are and if I would have wait he wouldnt be the man he is today...I have told him not at the expense of a child..and its not fair none of my kids deserved what my choice brought them..and had I of been older I wouldnt have made such wrong choices..and that he dont have to go through that specially when its not his baby.....


please help I dont even know what to say and I dont want to be mean about it I just really want him to understand what he is in for..should he choose to be this baby daddy...etc....well really I dont want him to be any part of this relationship except for a friend to her she really needs one

any suggestions....
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Old 12-13-2010, 03:14 PM   #2
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

All you can do is give your children your best advice and hope that they listen.

Hard or not, sometimes you have to have your say and then step back, even if it means them making a very big mistakes.

If you keep pushing, he will distance himself from you.
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:50 PM   #3
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

I feel for u and right now my boy is only 6 and i freak out about the future. My friend had a boy that was dating a girl that was pregnant by another and she gave him the advice and said i respect your choice and he ended up ending it with the girl for other reasons.

I do know weither she is pregnant or not when parents try to split up the couple it just makes them work harder to keep it together and will push him from you cause we all know 18 year olds think they are grown. Do you know why she doesnt want to tell the actual father? and what is your sons thoughts on her not telling the actual baby father?
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:54 PM   #4
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

Im afraid that if this is what he wants then there wont be much you can say. Give him your advice, make him see reality, but if he still wants this then the best you can do is just support him and be there for him. Sorry i know this must be difficult for you, if it were my son id be upset too, its not the ideal situation but i think this may work itself out.
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:58 PM   #5
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

I feel you, and I would think the same.

However, on the flip side. I have some good friends. He met her (he was 18), she was 17 and pregnant with another man's child. They have been happily married for 10 years now, and have two other precious children. It can work.

Remember he is 18 years old. He *thinks* he knows best....
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:07 PM   #6
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

It sounds like you've raised a very compassionate young man so be proud of that, despite the fact that he may be thinking of making some really bad choices right now! I agree.... give him the advice and step back and hope he makes good choices, otherwise you could push him away. Remind him that if he really does want to have a future with this girl, then the best thing he can do is make responsible choices, such as move forward with his plans for the military.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:32 PM   #7
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

Have you talked to him about when the baby is born, not to put his name on the birth certificate? He can be with her, be a huge part of the baby's life, but not take on the unsure future. Down the road, it can all be changed. No need to get in a hurry.

I do agree with Mama Swan - it sounds like you have raised quite the compassionate son. Good for you! Be proud he wants to see the right thing happen for someone. Just be patient and guide him.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:31 PM   #8
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

Thanks...everyone...its not easy to just sit back and let him do do do..

I have questions so that I can get more of a feel of what he thinks
I think I am going to drop it for a few weeks and then get back with him
about it..

I dont know any details about the why she is not telling the baby dad
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Old 12-14-2010, 05:07 PM   #9
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

I think you received some great advice. I just want to tell you this, I got back with my ex when I was pregnant with another man's baby. I was 26 though, not 18. It was all well and good when we were together and he came with me to all my prenatal stuff and was a tremendous support to me (being the baby daddy was a complete jerk and wanted nothing to do with my son). But once my son was born, he decided he couldn't handle the fact that the woman he loved so much had a child with another man, and that child wasn't his. So we ended it. Better it happened then before my son started to call him daddy and develop a bond with him. I don't resent him for what he did, I can understand how difficult it must have been for him. But he was the love of my life and I still have trouble getting over him some days. I don't know really how this helps, just related to the situation. Maybe you can tell your son my story. Let him know he needs to make a decision before that baby comes because if he changes his mind down the road, he is not only hurting that girl but also an innocent child. But I also think the situation can work out if they truly love each other and want it to work. But it will be hard. Hope anything I said can help you.
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Old 12-15-2010, 02:23 AM   #10
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

One of my uncles married my aunt and raised their oldest daughter as his own even tho she was not and I don't think any of her brothers or sisters knew until they were adults.

My oldest is an adopted stepson, he was 5 1/2 when his mom and I started seeing each other and was about 9 when his dad let me adopt. He is 37 now and still my son even tho he has contact with his bio dad.

I hope this helps you.
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Old 12-15-2010, 07:22 AM   #11
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

You have received such great insight and posts so far...not too much I can add.
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Old 12-15-2010, 09:21 AM   #12
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

A friend of mine met her partner while she was pregnant and the guy stood by her, was there for the birth, the kid even called him dad once she was older, they went on to have a child of their own and are very happy.

I know its a hard situation but there are 2 ways this could go, he will either stick around and be the father figure in this childs life or he will run a mile when he realises he has been tied down with another mans child. Whatever he choses to do i doubt he will make the decision until the child is born. Just let him know you will be there for him no matter what. Ultimately only he can decide what he wants to do.
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Old 12-15-2010, 10:04 AM   #13
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

It can work out if her motives are not out of fear or selfishness. He also needs to be wary of being the "Rescuer". I have a strong "Rescuer" trait and it's got me in trouble more than once....
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Old 12-15-2010, 02:12 PM   #14
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Default Re: He's not even the Baby daddy

wary of being the "Rescuer


I think that this is what I worry about most for him he is always so caring about people...sometimes over abundantly..

he has done this with his sister all his life...it just comes natural to him..

he tried for years to get me back with his dad

I do know it can work I have told him that I will support whatever choices he decides..I just have this need to make sure that he is seeing everything clearly and not throught the rescuers eyes

thanks so much everyone
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