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Old 11-18-2004, 03:51 PM   #1
LukensDad
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I just posted in another thread but now I feel like expanding on my story and maybe getting some help.

I'm 17 and I have a 5 month old baby boy. I'd do anything for this kid, but his mother and grandmother are trying to keep me out of his life.

I had just turned 16 and Amy was 15 when she got pregnant. I think it was then that her mother decided she hated me. But she put up with me for as long as she could, "for the baby's sake." Right. Amy and I broke up when she was seven months pregnant, but right from the start I had every intention of being in my child's life and that didn't change when we broke up. But every day since then has been a fight to do just that. Amy's mother wanted me as far away from her and the baby as possible. I had to beg her to let me see my son being born. If there hadn't been a doctor present, and Amy's mom didn't want to make a scene, I don't think she would have let me hold him.

I got a job as soon as I found out Amy was pregnant. I've worked my *** off to save up some money. I bought Luken his car seat, which they use in their car. I bought him bottles, toys, clothes, and I bring over diapers every time I'm actually allowed to see him. And I give them whatever I can on top of that. It's not court-ordered child support, but it's something and I feel like I should be doing something. After all, he's my son too.

But Amy's mother doesn't see it that way. She is controlling - I know Amy would let me actually spend time with my boy, but her mother thinks I'm some sort of threat to him. To be totally fair, I have had a history of emotional problems and severe depression. She thinks this automatically means that the second I'm alone with Luken, I'm going to kill him and myself. She doesn't understand that I'd never do anything to hurt that baby and that I would die if it meant he never had to feel any kind of pain.

All I want is to spend time alone with him to actually bond. I'm allowed over there every Saturday for three hours. I've called in sick to work to make these visitations because even though I do need the money, my son is more important. Amy's mom watches me like a hawk when I'm there. If I pick him up, she tells me I'm 'holding him wrong' and I'm going to hurt him. If I try to bottle feed him, I'm doing that wrong too and he's going to get sick. And when I try to change him? Lord knows I can't do THAT right either! If I don't get him cleaned up and the new diaper on in 30 seconds flat, she whisks him away to do it herself. And yet, she wants me to 'learn how to take care of him properly' before she'll leave me alone with him. How can I do that when she won't LET me? So what if I take a little longer to change him - I'm learning. And he's giggling, clearly enjoying the whole escapade. I'm not hurting him in any way.

All I want is a full weekend visit with my son. I want some time alone with him. I want to be able to take him out. He's never even been to my house. Someday I would like to go for custody of him. When I have a place of my own, more than an 11th-grade education, and a steady job. When I can fully support him the way I want to. Right now, I just want to spend some time with him. I want him to know who I am. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want to take him away from his mother - I know Amy loves him. But I also have a suspicion that his grandmother is his primary caregiver in that house. I don't want to complain or make it sound like Amy shouldn't have a life outside of Luken, but last week I talked to her as she was preparing to go see a concert. I asked who was watching Luken, expecting her to say her mother. No, her mother was out for the evening. They had hired a babysitter. Nevermind that he has a perfectly capable father who wouldn't even charge them anything for a chance to spend a few measley hours with his son.

This is driving me crazy. I grew up without my father present, and my mother made some pretty bad dating choices when I was younger. Although I now have a very supportive stepfather who is more of a father to me than my biological one ever was, I don't want Luken to grow up the way I did. I want to be in his life. I will fight to do that, but I don't know how anymore. I'm not really sure of how to go about getting court-ordered visitation, and I'm a little strapped for cash.

That was long. But I had to get some of that off my chest.
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Old 11-18-2004, 05:46 PM   #2
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Hi LukensDad,
Welcome to SFV. There are a lot of great people here and they all have one mutual goal. To provide the best for the children. So you're in the right place.

I'm just a few hours north of you and I can say confidently,"been there, done that." You got a uphill trudge ahead of you but you've already started out right. You will be a father to your son dispite what Grandma says. I think she is blaming you for the situation right now but hang in there. I'm sure her views will change in time as you show her how good a father you will become.
Advice? All I can suggest right now is the next time she critisizes your efforts, turn to her and say, "please show me then. I want to be the best father I can."

A thread was started in the new "Canada" room pertaining to helpful things in your area. I'm hoping it grows with specific information but there is already some there that you may find useful. You may also PM me anytime if you need some advice. I've walked more than a mile in your shoes.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 11-18-2004, 05:48 PM   #3
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LukensDad,
Welcome to the site. I will first commend you on trying to be involved in your son's life, even through the adversities. Keep on putting that effort forth as you have been.

I notice you are from Ontario, We do have a Canadian forum here that you might want to ask in there about the laws concerning custody/visitation for your area. Laws and the process vary in different areas, and they might be able to give you some advice.

Edit to add, I see Jaydsdad got that reply in just before me. Good man JD.
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Old 11-18-2004, 08:39 PM   #4
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Hi LukensDad;

I like the name Excellent choice. I just wanted to say that I am amazed that at age 17 you are already showing a maturity that most men don't have until in their 30s. I commend you for working so hard to be a part of your sons life. My only suggestion is this. Your son is only 5 months old, and it may not be the best idea to take him from his mom for a whole weekend. I know you think you should have the right, but he is so small. Keep up the visits on Saturdays. Try talking to your boss and explaining your situation, maybe they can rearrange your schedule so you can make your visits. When your son is a little older, feel free to seek more of the overnight visits. I'm not saying you are WRONG, I am just trying to show another point of view. I think its an excellent idea to go to court once you have your own place. That way, grandma can't get involved. Once it is settled in court, there's nothing grandma can do to stop you from seeing your boy. And maybe to soften up grandma a little, you can do like jaydsdad suggested. She obviously thinks that you and her daughter are not capable of raising this boy. It may be a pre-conceived notion and you can't really change things like that. What you can do is proove yourself to be the exception to the rule. (The rule SHE has in her head that "kids" can't raise babies. I am not saying teens can't raise kids, but it looks like thats whats on her mind) Maybe you can frame a picture of Luken in a "World's Best Grandma" frame and present it to her. It will surprise her and throw her for a loop. Be the bigger person in the face of her intrusions! Don't let her see that she is getting to you. If she tries to take Luken while you are over for your visit, politely but firmly refuse. Remind her that these visits are your only time to see your son and you would like to enjoy every second of it. In all honesty, this has very little to do with her. When you go to court, it will be between you and your sons mom, and grandma will be forced to sit on the sidelines. Maybe one day she will learn to sit back and watch rather than jump in and "correct" everything.
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Old 11-19-2004, 02:38 AM   #5
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jaydsdad & Don: Thanks... I'll check out the Canada room.

Seraphin: I know he's a little young for me to take him over night right now. But even a few hours alone with him would be nice. Just like two hours without his grandmother watching over my shoulder, waiting for me to mess up so she can have some kind of excuse to get a restraining order or something... and not even that, but it's almost Christmas. His first Christmas. I'd like to have a little Christmas thing with him at my house. Even if it's not on Christmas Day, that's fine. Maybe the day after. I don't know, just some time.

My manager is probably the most difficult woman on the planet. Well, next to Luken's grandmother. A typical conversation regarding Saturdays off usually goes like this:
me: "I need Saturday off."
her: "You had last Saturday off."
me: "I know, but I'm supposed to see my son Saturday afternoon."
her: "A lot of people in this store have kids. I can't give them all Saturday off to spend with them."
me: "I realize that, but most of them get to see their kids every day. Saturday is the only time I get with my son."
her: "I'm sorry to hear that, but I need you here."

I try to look at this whole mess like some kind of test. Like maybe I have to prove that I do want to be in Luken's life, and once the crazy grandma from ____ sees that, she'll lighten up. And I know it'd be so much less stressful (but a lot more painful) to give up now, accept that I won't see him, and just let him grow up without me, and accept it now while he's too young to remember what it was like to have a dad who fought for him. But I can't do that. Maybe it's just because even though I can barely remember my own father (except for the time he chased after me with a hammer. He was drunk, and it's pretty much my first memory. I was three at the time), but I do remember what it was like growing up and wondering why he wasn't there, and thinking maybe he thought I wasn't good enough. I understand now, after 14 years without him and a ____ of a lot of therapy that it wasn't anything I did wrong - but I remember how much it hurt growing up and thinking it was my fault. I don't want Luken to have to wonder that.
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Old 11-19-2004, 11:45 AM   #6
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I have to add my 2 cents in here! First of all, welcome Luken's Dad!!! I want to commend you for being a MAN! I know that you are still a teenager, but you have shown the maturity and wisdom that I wish all grown men would show. This is coming from a mom who is raising a son who's father is now 29 and want/has nothing to do w/the child he had a part in creating. Don't let this overbearing grandmother ruin your relationship w/your son by letting her run you off. Stand your ground! I think the other members had really great ideas on ways to try to turn her way of thinking around. You may not be able to change it completely, but she might lighten up a bit. Maybe you could ask to take him for a walk in his stroller if the weather is not snowy or rainy. Let her know that you will bundle him up really tight so he won't get sick and ask if she would like to go w/you. I don't know how cold it is up there right now, so that may not work for several months. Invite her along a few times to see if that helps her relax w/you being around him. I know you want to spend time alone w/him, but right now you have to prove (even thought I think it is wrong that you should have to) that you can handle it to the grandma. Why don't your parents try to help you gain more time w/your son? Don't answer if that is too personal. I don't know what kind of work you do, but see if you can arrange your schedule where you still work, but have the time you spend w/Luken free for him. This way, your boss sees that you are trying to make an effort AND you still get to spend time w/your son. It is win win for you! I wish you tons of luck, and want to say that Luken is extremely lucky to have such a dedicated and loving father!
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Old 11-20-2004, 04:07 AM   #7
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Hi,
All the advice is good. Just wanted to say you hang in there because as hard as this is that relationship with your baby is worth fighting for. I think you are right in that I think the family will lighten up when they see that you are sincere about being involved but that can take time and you will have to be really persistent. I think Jaysdad’s "please show me then. I want to be the best father I can." is exactly what you need to do. I found when I had a new baby everyone wanted to tell you how to do stuff and if you beat them to it and asked them for their advice on baby they were flattered and forgot to carry on with the long list of all the things you should or should not be doing. She likely comes from a generation where it was not Dad’s department to look after baby and that plus the fact you are young might be pretty scary for her. I don’t know because I don’t know her but she sounds like the one you need to get on side if at all possible.
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Old 11-21-2004, 02:29 AM   #8
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Ty's mom: I liked the stroller idea. I was going to try for that this afternoon but it rained all day. It's been warm here lately though, which is good... and my mom has been trying to help with the whole situation. She usually comes when I go to see Luken. Today she tried the impossible - reasoning with Amy's mom. I guess it worked because so far she's gotten her to agree that I can actually see him *on* Christmas Day, because it falls on a Saturday this year. Although I'm not getting my hopes up... I know they usually go to Amy's grandparents for Christmas, so it wouldn't surprise me if they do this year and take Luken with them.

my step-dad pretty much said it's cool that I'm trying to be part of Luken's life and that he's proud of me for that, but that it would be easier if I just let him go. so he's pretty much neutral to the whole thing... so whatever.

Zealand: thanks... i've been trying to get on her good side since I've known her. and especially since Luken came along, if only because i know it's not good for him to grow up in an environment where I'm always fighting with his mother and grandmother. I'm willing to be civil, but i don't know... maybe it's selfish male pride talking, but asking for her advice is like admitting i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't... but do most first-time parents?
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Old 11-21-2004, 11:03 AM   #9
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Hi LD,(LD I like that)
Don't be afraid to put your pride aside for the sake of your son. Think of it as peace-keeping and that's what us canucks are good at.

Maybe walking away would be easier, but knowing the way you feel now, it WILL come back to haunt later. I think you should do your best and if it comes to that then you can look back with honesty and know you did your best.

Have you checked out the FLIC office? You might find them very useful in your case. And any new info you come up with will be very useful to other young fathers so maybe post it in the Canada room to help those following us. Or the single fathers room.
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Old 11-22-2004, 02:30 PM   #10
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I've done some research but haven't actually gone and talked to someone there... but what I've found so far has been really frustrating because it makes it seem like because we weren't married I don't have any rights. It's also somewhat discouraging because it's going to cost a ____ of a lot of money.

I've also developed a newfound resentment of feminists, but that's a completely unrelated issue.
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Old 11-23-2004, 02:24 AM   #11
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You're reading propaganda. I posted in your other thread earlier. I'm much clearer there about this.
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:24 AM   #12
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Hi, Lukensdad, I just wanna say good luck to you. I wish my son's dad would come see him more (granted, he does live 300 miles away) but he doesn't. He has a new gf and a newfound love for church. (I love church too, but I love it for me, no one else) It seems all too often we see dads who just walk away, and it's always so uplifting to see the single dads on here fighting for what is right, just as us moms are. Welcome again, and good luck. I will keep you and your son and his mom and grandma in my prayers.
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Old 11-23-2004, 11:54 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] You're reading propaganda. [/qb]
I know, it's dripping with bias, but it's still very, very annoying to read.

Adrianne: Thanks, I appreciate the prayers. I'm going to need it! (And I'm not even a religious person. Heh.)
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Old 11-24-2004, 08:53 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by LukensDad:
[qb] maybe it's selfish male pride talking, but asking for her advice is like admitting i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't... but do most first-time parents? [/qb]
I was the world's most prideful women ever. As soon as I had my kids I learned... you have to let that go. Sometimes the only way to preserve or create a friendship is to humble yourself. Your ex doesn't sound like that bad of a girl (even if her mom is a beast), if you can maintain civility between you and she it would be the Best thing for Luken. Not to mention, wouldn't you try anything (within reason) to be a bigger part of his life?
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Old 11-24-2004, 09:00 PM   #15
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Hi LukensDad. My soon to be 17 yr old son has joint custody with him being the primary. Don't let anyone tell you it can't. Also, it is never too early for overnights. You have just as many rights. Tyler(my son) brought his daughter home when she was 2 days old. Yes, he has help from me, but he did it. We are biting our lips right now, because of the other grandmothers issues. She drinks and drives and has alot of other problems. That is why the baby is with us.
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Old 11-24-2004, 09:55 PM   #16
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Schoolmommy: Believe me, I'm all for civility. But it's very hard to be civil when she won't give me a chance. And Amy and I are fine with being civil... we still talk a lot, although lately it's mostly arguments about this whole mess with her crazy mother. Although I have to admit I haven't always handled it the best, sometimes saying things I really shouldn't have. :\

Grammy36: That's great for you and your son. And I hope the other grandmother gets her act together!! In my case though, everyone's all very responsible. And I don't know if I could do the primary custody thing anyway... I would love to, but I go to school 8:30-3 every day and work 4-10 three nights a week (then come home and do homework until like 2AM sometimes), as well as weekends. I'm not there enough, and I know I couldn't afford that kind of day care right now. And besides, I wouldn't want to take him from his mother so that someone else can see him more than I do.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I *don't* want him, it's just not really practical right now... what I want for now is more regular access. Maybe joint custody and weekend visits... and we'll see when I get a little more financially stable what happens. I don't know. I'm just trying to step up and do the right thing, be a responsible father figure for my son, and be close to him as he grows up... But it would be nice if people didn't have to make that so hard to do.
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Old 11-25-2004, 07:56 AM   #17
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That is very wise. My son told me a couple of weeks ago " I didn't know I was going to do this alone" He meant without his girlfriend. She became a drug user this summer and put Emma in jeopardy. She has had a hard life, and it takes everything I have in me to seperate my love for her and my concerns for Emma. She is in counseling now, but not recieving treatment for her drug use. I would never have believed this would happen. I have known her since she and Tyler were 12. I wish you didn't have to work so hard. Being a good parent is the hardest job there is. Also look into Fathers Rights a group that can help financially with Legal issues.
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Old 11-25-2004, 10:45 AM   #18
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Well, LD, I think that your heart is in the right place, and it takes a good man to be what you want to be. I have faith that you'll get there because you want so badly for it to happen. Grammy had good advice looking into a Father's Rights group. Find some tools that can be useful to you and your cause. I'm always blown away when I see a young dad who wants so badly to be part of their child's life. What a gift Luken has in you. Just make sure you get your education and keep workin hard. You'll get there. Luken will see when he's older how hard you fought for him and he'll appreciate it. Keep focused on him and you can do it. Best of luck!
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Old 12-05-2004, 11:17 PM   #19
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Today they actually invited me to come along and get a picture of Luken, Amy and I together with Santa! (Of course, they also got one of just Amy and Luken, but... it's a step in the right direction I think). I could not have been happier... but I don't want to get my hopes up in case this sudden change of heart doesn't last...
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Old 12-05-2004, 11:57 PM   #20
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No LukensDad, don't "think" it's a step in the right direction; it IS.

Very happy for you. You must have or are doing something right for the invite.

Can you tell me who Adema is and if that quote has more to it? PM me with the source.
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Old 12-06-2004, 01:43 PM   #21
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Hi LukensDad,
Great news that you got an invite and now you have your first Santa picture! It is a big step in the right direction. No doubt there will be backward steps along the way but you have to hold on to those forward steps. I really believe the better all the adults can get on the easier it is for the children and you have come a long way already. Congratulations and hope the Xmas holidays bring some more breakthroughs for you!!!!
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Old 12-06-2004, 06:53 PM   #22
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LukensDad, That is a good thing to hear. Seems the persistence may be paying off. Keep on keeping on.
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Old 12-08-2004, 01:03 PM   #23
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I just read all of this and I just want to say that I totally admire you for all of your work at trying to have a relationship with your son! My son's father is 25 and he does not have that kind of emotional attachment to our son. your story has made me realize that maybe i should look at things from his standpoint more often. I live with my mother and she is always around when my son's father is here. I don't ever think that she is being disrespectful to him or taking our son away from him but he always talks to me after the visits and tells me about something that he felt was wrong with the visit regarding some member of my family. We argue about this alot maybe your sons mom does not realize what you are saying to her and thinks that you are just trying to attack her mother. Do you let her know that you are not trying to attack her mother and that you are just trying to be there for your son?
Also I will say this to you but I would never say it to my sons father mind you- if you want visitation with your son by yourself you should go for it because most likely your sons mom nor his grandmother will allow it without a court order. Keep being a great father to your son every chance you have you are truly an inspiring person I wish that all men could have as much maturity as you are displaying!!!
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Old 01-09-2005, 02:57 AM   #24
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Quick update on the situation. I was going to try and think it through myself and make a firm decision before posting, but I'm stuck on what to do so I thought I'd ask for some advice (if anyone comes back and reads this old thread).

I've been speaking with a lawyer, who thinks I should sue for regular, and longer, visitation. I'm not sure if this is the best route to go, because even though it would ensure more time with my son (the ultimate goal here), it might also strain my alread rocky relationship with my ex and her family.

I'm also scared that if I do that, they'll go for proper child support (I already give money, it's just not court-ordered or anything) and might ask for more than I give now, and possibly more than I can comfortably afford.

I've been considering threatening to sue for visitation if we can't settle it out of court, but I don't want to get into a game like that where we end up using Luken as a pawn to get back at each other.

I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just go for it and take my ex to court, or should I wait it out and let her know that I'm considering the option?

Luken is almost 7 months old, and I'm already seeing a little personality developing - he has likes and dislikes, he's moving around now, almost crawling (he gets on his hands and knees, and he shakes his little ___ around like he's trying to propel himself, but it's not really working out for him ) and I want to be there as much as I can and see him grow.
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Old 01-09-2005, 04:27 AM   #25
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Hi buddy!

Discuss this openly if you can with your ex. The lawyer is telling you that when Luken is older, you may want more time so take it now. It is a legitimate approach but unfortunately will cause animosity. Welcome to family law in Ontario. The more you can deal with your ex the better the outcome, but if you pursuit the courtroom approach, it will be hard on all involved.

I wish I could offer more but that is the harsh reality of our system. Try to do as much as you can before court but go to court if you feel you must. And if you go to court, you are officially signing on for 18 years. That's how long you will be paying support regardless of access or visitation. The law will enforce that.

Good luck and get back.
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Old 01-10-2005, 12:59 PM   #26
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I have a comment on this, LD! I hope for your sake that you have been paying the support thus far by either check or money order so that you have a receipt that you have been giving something. If not, start now! It will go a long way in showing that you have been there from the start.

As for custody/visitation, I agree w/JD. Talk about this openly w/your ex. If you try to do this behind her back and she finds out about it, it is more likely that the WAR will be on. Don't let that happen because you will probably then be banned from seeing Luken until after the courts settle everything. That would be the worst for both you and that baby! Talk about how you want more time w/him and that you would like to work something out w/o having to go before a judge.

I wish you tons of luck in this, and pray that it all turns out for the best for all involved! You have a good head on your shoulders for being so young. You should trust yourself to make the right decision! Remember that you always have all of us to turn to whether you need a little advice or just a pat on the back!
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Old 01-11-2005, 12:16 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ty's mom:
[qb] I have a comment on this, LD! I hope for your sake that you have been paying the support thus far by either check or money order so that you have a receipt that you have been giving something. If not, start now! It will go a long way in showing that you have been there from the start.
[/qb]
Well I haven't been... but I will start now. And I have kept receipts from everything I've bought him, like his car seat, highchair, diapers, clothes, etc. That shows that I've been there, right?

Thanks for the input. I'm going to talk about it with my ex this week. It's not her I'm worried about, it's her mom, which is why I'm afraid it might end up in court because I know *there* at least she won't get as much of a say.
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Old 01-11-2005, 12:16 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ty's mom:
[qb] I have a comment on this, LD! I hope for your sake that you have been paying the support thus far by either check or money order so that you have a receipt that you have been giving something. If not, start now! It will go a long way in showing that you have been there from the start.
[/qb]
Well I haven't been... but I will start now. And I have kept receipts from everything I've bought him, like his car seat, highchair, diapers, clothes, etc. That shows that I've been there, right?

Thanks for the input. I'm going to talk about it with my ex this week. It's not her I'm worried about, it's her mom, which is why I'm afraid it might end up in court because I know *there* at least she won't get as much of a say.
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Old 01-11-2005, 07:56 AM   #29
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LukensDad,
Check into this, I might be wrong.. I believe she will have a say in court but so will your mother. You both are minors and unless you are emancipated, your parents are ultimately responsible. Please check into this so you have the right information before court.
I am happy you had the insight to keep all receipts and information pertaining to support.
You sound like the most mature man under 30 I have ever had contact with. Keep up the good work for Luken and his dad!
Good Luck with your talk.
Carla
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Old 01-11-2005, 10:25 AM   #30
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Definately start giving support in the form of check or money order. It is a CYA (Cover Your A**) thing! It is awful to have to think like that, but it is for your benefit in the end. It is good that you kept all those receipts, though! Smart thinking!

Carla is right about your parents and her's having a say in all of this. It is unfortunate, but they are the ones responsible for you until you are 18. Talk to your ex first and see what the 2 of you can work out. Then, if you have to, take the matter to court. Do it as a last resort, though.

Try to work through all of this amicably w/your ex so you don't strain that relationship if you don't have to. You both have to deal w/each other for the rest of Luken's life. Even after he's 18 there will be functions that you both attend for him. You are a smart guy, and I hope this all works out for you!
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Old 01-12-2005, 04:38 AM   #31
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[/qb][/QUOTE]Well I haven't been... but I will start now. And I have kept receipts from everything I've bought him, like his car seat, highchair, diapers, clothes, etc. That shows that I've been there, right?

Hi LD,
I have been watching the thread. I think I have told you before how you are so mature for your age and I really think it's great. If I was your mom I would be very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for holding your head up and not in a hole in the sand like an ostrich.

That said, I want to say that I agree with what advice you are getting here. If you do decide to go to court, make sure you take your receipts to court with you, and remember they don't know what you are thinking, doing and what reciepts you have unless you tell them. I am not at all saying to be sneaky, just be guarding as to what you threaten, and also what you say to Amy...as it is sure to get passed along to her mom. Carla says it best...her mom might have a say but so does your mom too, and sometimes mothers of the(mother)girls who have the kids think the child is more their grandbaby over the other grandparent. Like it is more hers than your mom's grandchild. That is what this woman sounds like. When and if she goes to court and you are all in the same room..her colors and personality will shine through. Don't let that intimidate you. I know you have some reservations about child support but remember that your wages are going to go up too. It increases when yours increases and only when she fights again for it in court. It is a process. The judge is going to look at all factors...but another thing that comes to mind is whether or not your mom's income is going to be the income in question here because you are minors...so you might want to find that out too. Lots to consider here when court gets involved. I would definitely take your mom along whenever possible.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you don't give up. It is hard, but remember that the right thing is always what shines through in the end. I would also mention to Amy that someday Luken is going to ask questions, why he doesn't get to know his dad better, and she is going to have to explain to him why and who didn't allow him to have a relationship with you. Don't let giving up rest on your shoulders...let it be their mistake. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted. Karen
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Old 01-12-2005, 08:05 AM   #32
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LD,
Another thought I have had. If this does end up in court make mention to the judge of your work schedule and the difficult boss. That way maybe he/she will set up a more flexible visitation schedule for you.

If this luckily does not go to court... talk to Amy the way you would want to be talked to.. no threats. I know you are mature but sometime we all need to be reminded to speak to the other parent (no matter how irrational they may be) in a caring, rational, "child's best interest" manner. Believe me my situation gets pretty volatile because of my ex and it is so difficult to remain the bigger person some times but, it can be done. I guess what I am trying to say .. Never let this come out of your mouth as a threat.

As for the parents being responsible. Find out this info before going to court and discuss it with your mother in detail. You should be able to call child welfare or what ever organization in your area and get this infomation easily.

Another thought... find out if there are some parenting classes in your area. Take these voluntarily. Anything such as single fathers, cooperative parenting, caring for your infant. The Red Cross even has babysitting classes. You are a father not a babysitter but they teach you CPR, choking care, diaper changes , feeding, appropriate play for different ages, etc. You will be in there with a bunch of 13 -14 year olds but you can do it! Make sure you get a certificate to show the judge and the grandmother. This will be very helpful and look great on your part to the judge. It will show him or her the level of maturity you are showing us here.

The better armed and knowledgeable you are the more mature you will appear and better your outcome.
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Old 01-12-2005, 10:33 AM   #33
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Good sound advice already given for you LukensDad.
Please keep us posted as it goes, there are some issues others could learn from for later on. Hopefully at this point you can work something out with her amicably. If it does go further obviously there are other questions such as how it works out through court being minors that could help others to know more about.
Know this, you have a good deal of support here, I'm sure you've noticed that you have impressed many here with your level of maturity, and I think that Luken is a lucky boy. You are right, it shouldn't be a "game". Keep it real, and do what you need to do in as calm/rational manner as you can. Best wishes on getting this worked out.
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Old 01-12-2005, 07:07 PM   #34
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LD,
Carla gives you excellent advice there with those classes. Not only does that show the judge and your ex's mom that you are trying and learning but it does have the added assurance of knowing you are doing things correctly. Those classes are also offered at the city Municiple building and at local hospitals, as a part of the Well Baby progam, and/or babysitting classes. Anyway, good luck and take care.
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:11 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally posted by CarlaA:
[qb]

Another thought... find out if there are some parenting classes in your area. Take these voluntarily. Anything such as single fathers, cooperative parenting, caring for your infant. The Red Cross even has babysitting classes. You are a father not a babysitter but they teach you CPR, choking care, diaper changes , feeding, appropriate play for different ages, etc. You will be in there with a bunch of 13 -14 year olds but you can do it! Make sure you get a certificate to show the judge and the grandmother. This will be very helpful and look great on your part to the judge. It will show him or her the level of maturity you are showing us here.
[/qb]
That's a good idea, but I'll have to look in to if/when I can fit that in. Not that I don't want to, but I go to school and work like 26 hours a week.

But I'm definitely going to look in to what involvement *our* parents have to have in this whole thing... thanks. I'll let you know how it goes.
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Old 01-15-2005, 11:13 PM   #36
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Well, as it turns out I'm not necessarily as mature as you all think I am.

The conversation didn't go well, harsh words were exchanged, and things were said that... should not have been said, on both sides.

And then I had to go to work, where I almost got fired because as it turns out, customer service training all goes out the window when you're already in a bad mood and someone implies you don't know how to do your job.

So all in all it's been a bad day, I hate most of the human race, and my relationship with my son's mother is falling apart even more than it already was. I'm going to bed. If someone wants to come by and shoot me, that's okay too.
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Old 01-16-2005, 12:20 AM   #37
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Oh my gosh, I guess you did have a bad day. Mature people still get angry and say things that they shouldn't say from time to time, so don't be too hard on yourself about that LD. Things get very frustrating for us older folks who have been around the corner more than once...you are going through a lot right now with all of this, just like her, you two are just trying to figure things out. You guys are young and you sound too smart to give up. Give yourself some time right now to rest and think things through...Maybe you just need to get some sleep and things might seem clearer in the morning. Hang in there.
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Old 01-16-2005, 12:41 AM   #38
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I am sorry that you had a bad day. Dealing with an ex seems to put me in a bad mood or makes me very sad. My ex pretends that everything is okay and it drives me nuts. Everything isnt always okay. I hope that things get better for you. Not to quote Little Orphan Annie but "The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there will be sun." I hope that adds a little bit of humor to your day.
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Old 01-16-2005, 11:30 AM   #39
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LukensDad,
We are all only human, and therefore we just can't be perfect all the time. Besides where would the challenge be in that
Today is another day. First day of the rest of your life. Keep on doing the best you can with what's in front of you, and don't beat yourself up for yesterday.
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Old 01-16-2005, 03:19 PM   #40
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Well, I feel better this morning... sleep does wonders. I guess it wasn't the worst thing that could happen, although now my ex's mother knows that I think she's an overbearing, scheming, unreasonable psychopath, but with a whole bunch of other words in there that I probably can[t say on here.

But I still think it may have damaged any hopes of settling this thing amicably, and we may end up in court.
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Old 01-17-2005, 02:06 AM   #41
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LD,
Glad to see you are feeling a little better. Sleep does have it's many rewards.

I am sorry though that you have to go through all this. Hang in there.
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Old 01-17-2005, 09:24 AM   #42
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Hey LukensDad,

You're right about losing it but maybe, on the sunny side here, you showed "mom in law" that you do have a back bone and you're for real.

It may have been a mistake losing it but maybe your fatherhood came out enough to show grandma you're there for the long haul.

Good luck.
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Old 01-22-2005, 04:17 PM   #43
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Well last week has definitely come back to bite me in the you-know-where.

I was not allowed in the house to see Luken today. So I guess I'm going to have to take them to court and get my visitation court ordered.
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Old 01-22-2005, 06:29 PM   #44
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Keep your head up and be proud LukensDad, many would bail at this moment but you're the real deal.

It may get rough now if you are forced to court but you have your rights so exercise them. Everybody here is with you friend.
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Old 01-22-2005, 06:33 PM   #45
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Hi Lukensdad. Definately get your rights court ordered. Otherwise, you will always be at their mercy. Fathers Rights can direct you to affordable legal help. My son's girlfriend trys to pull ____ all the time to get her way. If she violates a court order, you can call the police. Otherwise, it is just a civil matter.
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