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Old 01-03-2011, 01:43 PM   #1
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beg or prayer tables turned??? hope so!

I have had it. Yes my daughter is on meds and they are not working but at the same time, there is NO EXCUSE for her thinking she can do what she wants - when she wants, saying what she wants - when she wants OR doing what she has been point blank told NOT TO DO!!! All of this is on a constance basis. She is out of control. She even tried to get violent the other day. She tried closing a door on me, got in my face with her arms pulled back like she was ready to throw a punch, snatching things out of my hands and screaming in my face. Yep - makes me just love choosing to be a mom.

After the above incident, I drove her to the police station. I waltzed her ____ in and asked the officers to explain to her what happens when kids get out of control with their mothers. That didn't even seem to phase her.

So now it has been non-stop, she even cut her hair (herself) out of spite. I am tired and just don't know what to do next. I have a call into Juevenile court to see if there is a program.

I know she is having issues with the meds and she is having issues with missing her bio-mom. But I am sick and tired of being disrespected. Today she went back for her first day of school after the holiday. Her second period teacher called to say she was mouthing off, anything he said to her she came back with a smart mouthed comment, wouldn't do anything he asked of her, etc....... I lost it!

I drove to her school, got her out of class (just so happened their were police there so I grabbed them too). I sat her in a conference room and told her "I'm finished". I told her that she has been in my home for 2 and a half years and that is long enough to know what is expected. I openned up and told her I sit up nights trying to figure out HOW to teach her the lessons she needs to get her through high school, college, life in general. I told her that in a few months she will want her driving permit and that if I can't trust her with the little rules and such, how can I trust her with a machine that could kill her and other people???

I told her that I wanted a daughter - I wanted her! I fought to get her in this state. I told her it took months of pulling strings to get the approval of the state. I told her that I had given her everything I possibly could. I told her to look around her room at all of her stuff and asked her if she would have those things at the residential treatment facility that she was at before I got her. I told her it's not just the clothes, it the style she likes and the thought that goes into every purchase about what SHE will like and enjoy. (She is into fashion which is why I threw that part in.) I told her I had nothing left to give.

I then went back into the fact that I WANTED HER! and then said "But obviously you don't want me." Yes, she dropped that smart ____ look off her face, stopped swaying in her chair and even teared up. She looked me dead in the eyes and I know I hit a nerve.

I told her that everytime she disrespects me, or anyone else (because as a parent how she behaves is a reflection on me), that she show me she doesn't want me. I told her it's her move. Her actions, her words and even the look on her face will tell me whether or not she wants me as a mom.

If you managed to read this whole, long vent, thank you. I need to get it out. She does have an appointment on Friday for a med change and for therapy. Now I'll just wait and see what happens when I pick her up from school this afternoon.
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

I'm in tears for you reading this.... (((((HUGS))))) Hopefully this was the head it needed to come to. Hopefully this is the turnaround point, even if it gets a little worse before you can get all of the meds figured out, etc. I love all of the things you said to her and love that she caught it, even if only one sentence of it, it hit her. UGH HUGS again to you. Keep up the good hard fight. It will be worth it in the end, it will be it will be it will be!

Kids who go through a lot and have emotional issues test the most. They seem to spend more energy on testing the love of the one they care about the most than enjoying their days. I'm positive this is part of what is going on here, plus the "issues"
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:08 PM   #3
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

to you. I don't know what to say, but my heart is breaking for you both. I hope that this afternoon finds an attitude change in her and that Friday's visit helps get her meds adjusted.

I'm glad you got it off your chest, and we are here to listen, even if we don't have answers. Please let us know how this afternoon goes!
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Awe...good post idig. I hurt for you guys reading this, too....keep us posted on how you are both doing.
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Old 01-03-2011, 04:45 PM   #5
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

That was impassioned, I hope it works. I hope I never have to make such a speak to my guys but if req'd, hopefully it will be as powerful as yours.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:45 PM   #6
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

So, so sorry. Good for you for practicing tough love. Keep at it, no matter how hard it is.
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Old 01-03-2011, 05:58 PM   #7
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

THAT was an awesome speech! I'm so sorry you had to make it though. I hope she gets it and things turn around for you two.
Thank you so much for this thread, too. I know it's gonna help alot of people who are struggling with issues such as these. Hugs.
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Old 01-03-2011, 06:22 PM   #8
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Well, she's been home from school for 2 hours. She has tip-toed around me - only speaking in her softest, most polite tone. She has said "yes ma'am" to everything I have asked (which isn't much). She is listening for the dog to ring the bell on the back door to let him in and out (even if she's in the other room) which she NEVER does. She has unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher. (That is her regular chore that she hates.) She is currently....... brace yourselves for this........ cleaning her room!

I hated to say what I said. I hated to have to say it. This should be about her and I felt that saying that turned it into being about me. My point was to have her make a decision. I think she made it and I'm ready to cry happy tears. Now I feel we have a starting point to get past the chaos.

Thank you for all the hugs. I needed them.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:25 PM   #9
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So she just came in the den and told me that what I said to her really got to her. She told me that if I hadn't noticed already, she was changing everything. I let her know that I had noticed and that it was greatly appreciated. We sat and talked about quite a few different things. I explained to her about "burning bridges" and what that means. We talked about school and so much more. Then she said, "You know, I'm about to be driving. I'm not a little kid anymore but I've been acting like one." I agreed and told her that she had been acting like a 2 yr old. She looked confused so I explained the tantrums.

When talking about school, she mentioned the one we are zoned for - the worst school! She said "I know you will do whatever you have to to keep me from going there." My response, "No. I told you I'm finished. This means it is all on you. You are responsible for your grades, activities and projects that can get you into the school you want." She looked a little shocked but understands. I explained that if she will work hard and get the grade she wants instead of accepting the grade she gets for nothing, she will get to be proud of herself. That is where self esteem comes from.

Hopefully, these are the first steps towards change for us.

Brace yourself.......... I just caught her cleaning out her closet!!!
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:29 PM   #10
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Oh, wow, that is great! I love what you said to her, by the way. I don't think it was all about you at all! I think it was about personal accountability. You were right on the mark, you can do everything in the world, but if she isn't willing to do for herself it won't help at all.

And I have to agree with the others, she must feel very secure in your love to test it the way she is, and that speaks volumes.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:31 PM   #11
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

LOL... remember she will forget, and will need to be reminded.... alot. Because they have selective memories at that age. But I think that's what she needed.

I also think that telling her you appreciate the cleaning, but what you really, really want most of all, is a change in attitude. I do think this is a good sign though.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:56 PM   #12
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Oh I think I didn't make sense when I typed...... when I told her it was greatly appreciated it was about the attitude and the politeness!!! I think she is cleaning just to keep herself occupied. The cleaning is just shocking LOL
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Old 01-03-2011, 10:04 PM   #13
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Let's hope it all lasts. I like that bit about her working toward the schools, not you doing everything you can to ensure which school she attends. I hope she follows through on that and does great.
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:11 PM   #14
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

You know, you did well with the tough love, but something SO HUGE is that throughout it all you said that you still love her and want her as a daughter, even if she doesn't want you. She's done everything she possibly could to be rejected, and here you still are, being mom. You have taken a rough road, and are still there with your daughter. Huge hugs to you!
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:18 PM   #15
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Thanks and I hope it lasts too!
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Old 01-04-2011, 08:46 AM   #16
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Seems like she needed that kick up the ____, well done you for saying what you said, it must have been so emotinal for you. Lets hope she keeps up the change and things start to get better
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Old 01-04-2011, 06:58 PM   #17
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

hugs and Godspeed...my ex stepdaughter is similar but my ex still hasn't been able to stand up with discipline or tough love of any kind. I can relate to your struggle and proud of your courage.
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:49 PM   #18
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Well, it didn't last. Game on tonight! ugh
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Old 01-04-2011, 09:52 PM   #19
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueswan View Post
Well, it didn't last. Game on tonight! ugh
Oh no, I'm so sorry....
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Old 01-04-2011, 11:05 PM   #20
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

HUGS Sorry tonight sucks! I still think this is all in the positive. You are getting there, you made a good giant step forward, it was a given there would be steps backwards... so just keep pushing forward.

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Old 01-04-2011, 11:07 PM   #21
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Yeah, what Re-mom said...
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Old 01-05-2011, 02:07 AM   #22
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

I wonder if it is a mix of the meds, hormones and just plain old testing. I wonder if she is testing to see if she can be rejected. I also wonder if she has a type of personality disorder that causes her to push others away or to not bond.....
Prayers out to you, stand strong.
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Old 01-05-2011, 08:06 AM   #23
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Dad1st - She has a history of RAD but it hasn't shown it's face in a while.... at least not like this. The testing, well I thought we were past that. Meds will be changed on Friday and I am going to question if something else may be going on with her. I'm just at a loss and so tired.

I think I'm going to give her the cold shoulder today - tell her she made her choice. I had told her that I would see her choice with her words, actions and attitude. Well, she's definately showing it and needs to know.
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Old 01-05-2011, 09:20 AM   #24
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Sounds like that would be a good plan.... you laid it out for her very clearly, she needs to see you meant it.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:11 AM   #25
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Cold shoulder plan step one.....

When dropping my daughter off at school this morning, I changed things up. Instead of my usual "I love you - have a good day", all I said was a very quiet and calm "Don't slam the car door." I didn't even look at her. Before she realized it she said "Okay", shut the door, took two steps and stopped, turned around and looked at me in total shock.

I almost laughed! But I held my composure and just looked staight ahead and drove off.

It sucks being cold to her.
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Old 01-05-2011, 12:14 PM   #26
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Blueswan, hang in there, be consistent. She needs to see a solid mom from you. I tell my sons I am not here to be there buddy or friend, I am here to train them to be good Fathers for my Grand Children.
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Old 01-05-2011, 02:25 PM   #27
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

I know. And I don't want to try and be her best friend. But I would like the relationship where we can have fun and enjoy time spent together. She knows she can't get away with things with me and has even told others this. I have overheard her even tell her friends this.

She has friends whose mothers let them do whatever - roam the neighborhood at all hours, no schedules for anything, don't have to do homework, talk anyway they want to, etc etc....... Sometimes she is jealous but I've explained it a thousand times. She actually told a friend of mine (when she thought I wasn't listening) that she was glad she had a mom that taught her things. She said she has friends that get anything they want but won't have any skills for life. She said that even though she didn't like all of the lessons, she knew I was looking out for her future. I WANT THAT DAUGHTER BACK!

I am so overwhelmed that at this point, I'm lost. She is having PTSD issues with nightmares and flashbacks of when she was taken from her bio mom. I get that. She is having issues with the meds not working. I get that. But I am having a hard time distinguishing what is a med problem / needs therapy problem and what is a behavior problem. Her ODD is through the roof! I am also having a problem with all of the above hitting at once!

I told her doctor last month that I am having a hard time sorting it all out. (I try to figure it out so I know which angle I need to use to try to help her.) I told him what was going on and he said it is a mix. I plan to say the same thing on Friday at her next appointment. I'm also giving him two choices..... find her meds that work or put me on meds.

It's sad that to bring some light to this, I joke (to myself) about duct tape. Sorry, just being honest.
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Old 01-05-2011, 10:45 PM   #28
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

lmao! yousound like mewith the jokes and sarcasm! Honestly, I feel it isimportant tosurvival (old puter tonight, major keyboard spacekeyissues) Have youtwo ever had the opportunity to go tofamily counseling? might be a good idea (as they decide what your meds should be ) Honestly, you must know you aredoing all the right things...that speaksvolumes and she herself said it when shewas ina better place. that HAS to be inside of hersomewhere! Ifully believe youaregoing to be OK... itis going totake time and persistence...but youwill be. I have three female tweens here and feel it strongly... all threewith emotionalissues, but two adhd, possible bipolar.... Ihave to say the older one with just thedepression/anxiety is, as of late, tougher forme. I know whatto do with theother two (twins)... the 12 yrold no clue!
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Old 01-05-2011, 11:17 PM   #29
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

Well, after I picked her up from school and took her home, I told her I wanted her at the dining room table to do her school work. I have to work for about an hour and a half after she gets out. I figure at 14, she can be here by herself that long. Her response was "Whatever, you won't even be here". In my face opposition! I didn't say a word and she again tried to force the door closed with me standing there. I asked "Do you really want to do this again?" I just walked away calmly and headed back to my office.

Tonight, it has been silence. I didn't say anything and neither did she. I did eventually remind her of her chores. She mouthed and I ignored. Everytime she came to sit down in the den, I reminded her of a chore. I did this very softly and calmly. She mouthed everytime.

At bedtime, she came and hugged my boyfriend goodnight and didn't even look at me. I know it was for spite and even expected it.

I can't wait until Friday.

As for family counselling, I tried and unfortunately, it was worthless. Anytime the therapist (multiple therapists were tried) pointed out what she had done, her defenses went up and she shut everything out.

I had her in a group therapy session that she did well in but she is refusing to go back. I am just at a loss.
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Old 01-19-2011, 05:58 AM   #30
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Default Re: tables turned??? hope so!

I haven't any advice myself. But I wanted to mention that there was this show on television that has just started up. It is about girls and boys of various young ages who are very hard to deal with and out of control. I can't recall the exact title, but I think it is called something like Simply Scared Straight...I know scared straight is for sure part of the title...anyways, I agreed to allow my three children to watch the first showing. My kids are 16, 13.5 and 10. It was quite shocking really as these troubled kids are taken to some of the jails and are introduced to the prisoners. And the prisoners are not gentle with their words...they are trying to scare them into not ending up where they are. Some of these kids are there because they have been violent towards their parent...which is the only reason why I thought to mention this show on this thread. Some kids are stealing and drinking and doing drugs...it varies. My kids really were stunned that jails were like that and they also enjoyed the show and they want to watch the next showing.
I do wish and pray for you the very best. It is not easy with raising older children that hit their teens. I have two and I am often pulling my hair out. Both of them have taken a step towards me in anger...and it is enough to make you want to cry....but I didn't show them anything other then just you try it...and lets see where it gets you. We have driven past the juvie hall...where the bad kids stay and been downtown and seen all the kids sitting on the streets with nothing...addicted and lost.
I don't know how old your daughter is...but does she have an interest in anything? What really has helped my daughter this school year is that she started taking a hair dressing course...it has been amazingly helpful....given her so much inspiration and desire to achieve something. She has some of the highest marks and her teacher loves to teach her because it has grabbed my daughter and all I can say is what a huge difference in her this year! I have done that in the past too...found one thing that she loved very much to encourage her...and then once she accomplished it we moved onto another. When she was younger it was mostly books as long as she read them I bought them...usually on her favorite subjects.
I hope things get better for you. My prayers are with you!
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