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Old 02-10-2008, 09:34 PM   #1
SinglenScared
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While my husband was on a 6 week business trip I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Our son just turned 2 last month. Now I'm 27 weeks along with son #2. A couple of weeks after my husband got back from his trip, pretending to be supportive of the pregnancy, he told me he had an affair when our son was about 10 months old while on a 3 week business trip. At first he threw himself at my mercy, relieved to have the truth out. Then he told me he was leaving and wasn't sure if he was coming back. At first I welcomed the break because I felt like we needed some space to work things out before bringing another baby into the picture. I soon found out that he had no interest in trying to work things out. I still love him and want to try to rebuild our relationships but he has too many doubts. We've been married for 5 years and have opposite working schedules. We've been under a lot of stress for the last couple of years and I think it just took a toll on our relationship. I think we would have a good chance of making it because we've really talked things through and identified where and why things went south. I've been really patient but I am starting to really resent him for making me go through this pregnancy alone. He spends time with our son whenever he's off from work but I feel completely alone. I have supportive family and friends but it's just not the same. I have decided (without telling him) that I'm only taking him back if he's ready to re-commit. I also decided that one month before the baby is due is my deadline. I just won't be able to forgive him if I have to go through the entire process alone. Any advice on how to keep myself from going crazy here? I've been seeing a counselor but some days are still so hard.... Sorry for such a long post. I appreciate any advice.
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Old 02-10-2008, 09:34 PM   #2
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While my husband was on a 6 week business trip I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Our son just turned 2 last month. Now I'm 27 weeks along with son #2. A couple of weeks after my husband got back from his trip, pretending to be supportive of the pregnancy, he told me he had an affair when our son was about 10 months old while on a 3 week business trip. At first he threw himself at my mercy, relieved to have the truth out. Then he told me he was leaving and wasn't sure if he was coming back. At first I welcomed the break because I felt like we needed some space to work things out before bringing another baby into the picture. I soon found out that he had no interest in trying to work things out. I still love him and want to try to rebuild our relationships but he has too many doubts. We've been married for 5 years and have opposite working schedules. We've been under a lot of stress for the last couple of years and I think it just took a toll on our relationship. I think we would have a good chance of making it because we've really talked things through and identified where and why things went south. I've been really patient but I am starting to really resent him for making me go through this pregnancy alone. He spends time with our son whenever he's off from work but I feel completely alone. I have supportive family and friends but it's just not the same. I have decided (without telling him) that I'm only taking him back if he's ready to re-commit. I also decided that one month before the baby is due is my deadline. I just won't be able to forgive him if I have to go through the entire process alone. Any advice on how to keep myself from going crazy here? I've been seeing a counselor but some days are still so hard.... Sorry for such a long post. I appreciate any advice.
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Old 02-10-2008, 10:50 PM   #3
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Single&Scared,

I think the majority of people want to find the person to build a family with and be happy growing old together. The question is.... is he what you want or wish he would be someone he's not.

My EX cheated on me after being married for 8 years and I did think at the time he was someone I wanted to grow old with. I thought he was "with" me durring my pregnancy with our 2nd child.. but he wasn't. I found out a year later he was already having an affair when I was 6 months pregnant. Would that be acceptable to you? If he tried to be there for you and he had another woman on his mind? or would it cause too much stress for you and your unborn child?

Personally, I would focus on my children. After some time has past, see if he made any intentions on building a relationship with you which is more than talk. He should bring solutions to the table also.

A very old friend of mine told me when I was separated that marriage didn't have a middle ground. We were either building it stronger or tearing it down.
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Old 02-10-2008, 11:12 PM   #4
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The woman he cheated with lives in another state. I've verified that things ended on a sour note so I know he's not interested in her. Their affair only lasted a couple of weeks. I'm not so afraid of the cheating. I truly believe that if he were committed to rebuilding the relationship there's a good chance of avoiding it. I think we got into trouble and didn't handle it well the first time. The problem is, he's not convinced that things can be different. I understand that as long as he feels that way and is not willing to work on it that things are over. However, whenever we have that talk he starts to get hesitant. I think he loves me but is afraid of getting back into the same situation. I'm scared too but I feel like it's worth the risk to try to keep my family together. We have so much history it's hard to believe that we couldn't make it work if we tried. To sum it up, we've been together since we were 16, got married against our parents wishes at 21. We were incredibly happy until we had a baby and starting working an opposite schedule. I guess reality hit us pretty hard...
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Old 02-11-2008, 08:15 AM   #5
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singlenScared,

it sounds like he has some growing pains. I married early too without my family's wishes.

When I was separated, some of the older women used to tell me to hang in there and see if he steps up to the plate. they had gone through something similar themselves and it had turned out for the best.

I did try to see if it would happen that way. I think when it became demeaning to myself and I became lost in all the lies and deception, that's when I had enough... and it got uglier until I physically and mentally cannot be near him anymore. He wasn't anything like the person I though he was and he changed into someone cruel and wicked, IMO. For some reason, I knew it wasn't the life I wanted for my children.... I was better off alone and starting off with nothing. I left with just the clothes off my back and unemployed since I hadn't worked in 4 years by then and with 2 children under 5.

Regardless of your difficulties the both of you share, I think you know he needs to "wake up" and know he is creating his destiny by "giving up". You will have the benefit of knowing you tried and he ran.

I really hope it works out for you and he finds the courage to make it work for the best, whatever that may be.
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