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Old 11-18-2009, 04:38 AM   #1
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Default Terrified and could use a friend

Hi, I'm 31, single, never married and 9 weeks pregnant (with my first child).
When I think about having a child, I've pictured it to be the happiest time of my life, it being something to bring me and my partner closest together as we bring a new life into this world. I (like many) have specifically waited over the years for that 'ideal' situation (ie - engagement, marriage and then baby). As unpredictable as life sometimes is, I find myself not in that situation whatsoever.
I'm currently unemployed for the past year and living at home with family, which is a shock because I didn't plan for that and my career was my life. Luckily, a new job offer has just presented itself, so things are looking up in that department. When I informed my parents of this, my mother did not take the news very well which was hard because she's my main support system in life. Though she seems to be coming around, she still has days where she is just up in arms about it which just adds to the stress. My only brother is deployed with the Marine Corps and though he's my little brother, he is my best friend and him not being around is really hard. My father remains the calm silent type. His support is there inevitably but he doesn't care to talk about it or maybe doesn't even know how to verbalize it.
Things with the father of the baby went from bad to worse REALLY quick. We had previously dated for about 6 months, shortly after we decided that it just couldn't work out between us (it was clearly evident it wasn't going to work), I found out a few weeks later that I was carrying his baby. When I first told him, he was optimistic and very much wanted this child (though not to be with me in a relationship - which I completely agreed with). I was grateful that he wanted a part in his/her life. I knew I wasn't going to have my fairytale happy ending but cohesive parents of a child was an important relationship to have. A few weeks went by and he obviously did some talking with people he knows because all of a sudden he approaches me stating it wasn't his and he wasn't paying a dime. I was really thrown by this because honestly..he does know it's his. Suddenly (though he is a year older than me and I had hoped for a mature reaction from this 32 year old)..he was irate that he was going to have to someday make financial contributions and this would impact his ability to fix up his race car that he recently purchased. In listening to this my head was spinning, just wondering how he could be so selfish at that point.
Things got worse from there, suddenly he was telling me to get an abortion "or else" and that he wasn't paying me a dime for it and I'd be sorry if I didn't get rid of it etc. I became upset (internally) about this...how could he make idle threats about something like this. I know I'm not dealing with the most upstanding person here... in fact, his lack of focus or commitment on important things (like him caring for his elderly parent, his job etc) was a major reason why I couldn't be with him. I half expected that he would be a decent person in this situation but now he resorts to threatening me to get rid of it or else he will by any means necessary.
I have a family friend that is a state policeman and talked about the threats and how to proceed so I will cover my bases there if need be. He has surprised me many months ago with a cell phone (when my old one broke), and today come to find out, he had me shut off and could because I was under his account. Why he'd leave the mother of his baby without a phone with no notice again just shows he doesn't care whatsoever about the bigger picture. His last statement to me was, "If you have this baby, then I will contact you via the courts at that time" but don't contact me again for any reason. This of course comes after all of his threats that he will lie about whatever he has to, to get full custody. I'm not the least bit concerned about this part, I will be a wonderful loving parent that truly will put the child first, that's what I'm trying to do every day at this point. He admits that he doesn't want to have time to even partially raise a child on his own --- so not sure why the idle threats.

All of my friends are married with children at this point. While I have some that I can talk to, I really don't have anyone in my life that I just vent to and that understands. It makes the situation al the more tough. Some days I feel like I'm unraveling.

Some days I pray for a miscarriage. I know financially it will be a struggle but my gut tells me that I love children and have always wanted one. I know what it means to sacrifice and am willing to do so but the situation of doing it alone really frightens me. I've thought about abortion (as evil as it even sounds to admit), and I struggled and went back and forth about it, but deep down I just can't do it, it doesn't feel right. I had my first ultrasound yesterday and it just solidified the 'real-ness' of it to me and now I'm more sure than before. I feel it has an injustice that it has that man for a father (truly, I think it's a disadvantage) but it's my baby inside of me and I couldn't live with myself if I disposed of a piece of myself.

I'm REALLY hoping that someone out there can relate and if possible, if someone were willing to e-mail and correspond with me, I'd be so grateful. There are so many people out there in this world and I know with someone's support I could get through this so much easier.

Thanks for reading, I will appreciate any thoughts or words of advice that you may have.

Angela
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:07 AM   #2
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Wow, I am really sorry you are going through all of this. I dont really have much advice but to say that you are not alone and things will be ok. There are lots of people here that understand and can offer advice and support for you. Im not sure what I would do in your situation. The one thing that sticks out right away while reading your post is his threats. Document everything. You may need this down the road in court. If you can have proof, even better. (Texts, voicemail...) If your family is a good support system then I would look unto them for advice and comfort. Having a baby is not an easy thing. It will change your life forever. But, you have to remember that although it is a life changing experience it is also one that will enrich your life and show you real love that you never thought were possible. Good luck to you and
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Old 11-18-2009, 12:56 PM   #3
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

wow, you have a lot on your plate, I agree document EVERYTHING and don't take any of his threats to heart. Everything will work out ok
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:14 PM   #4
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Welcome and you have found a great supportive group of people to listen and who "get it". Look forward to getting to know you better!
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:22 PM   #5
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

from my own experiance, if you have all the documentations and every thing you need when you go to court, coupled with the fact that he realy is not showing much intrest or responsibility at this point, there may not be to much to worry about from him, most judges will generaly side with the mother in these cases.

I understand about being pg and alone. I went thru both of my pregnancies alone. it was not easy, and it was very lonely, but since you have friends and family there to help you, you wil find that all will be better.

best of luck to you, and enjoy this little miriacle.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:52 PM   #6
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Im sorry you have to go through this alone. everyone has given some great suggestions. I just wanted to jump in a nd offer my Welcome to the mix.

and congrats on your soon to be little one.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:44 PM   #7
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Welcome aboard. You are definitely not alone, that is for sure. There are many on here that have been where you are.

Your mom will come around. My sister had two unplanned pregnancies. My mother was shocked both times, sometimes stand offish, but when push came to shove, she was right there. Sometimes mothers just need some time to process.

As for the ex---well let him make his senseless threats. Really, when the baby is born, you file for child support and sit back and let the state do it's job [although some prodding from you may be necessary to make the caseworkers do things more quickly]. He has no reason to think that he is going to be able to take the child, or to do anything in that way. His lack of support of you during the pregnancy would not play well in this bid to take a newborn baby from its mother.

Mostly, I want to say that whether you are married or single, your first pregnancy is a scary time. You don't know how you will do it...period. You live with your parents now, and my guess, from how you described your family, you won't be going it alone! I bet they all chip in to help you. First pregnancies are about the unknown. You are not sure how your body will work, how you will feel, what giving birth is like, what it takes to take care of a little dependent baby......but it all works out.

Hugs....
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Old 11-19-2009, 12:49 AM   #8
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

I just wanted to thank you guys, I cry as I read your responses because it warms my heart to know there are others. You are right...this is a scary time, about the most uncertain I've ever felt. I've yet to tell my whole extended family (my father is 1 of 16 natural brothers and sisters,which leaves my brother and I, 2 of 45 cousins...) so when the news is out, I'm sure I will have even more support. Though, I don't think that any of them have been through this and that's why it's so special for me to connect with people that have been through something similar.

Thank you guys, look forward to talking with all of you much more.

Angela
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:58 AM   #9
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Hi Angela,

Welcome, you have found the right place here and you really are not alone.

If you go thru the threads and read a lot, you will find many in your very same situation.

Anyway, sounds like you have a huge family to welcome the new arrival!

Good advice to document everything, and my 2 cents - that man has got his priorities all back to front, preferring a car to a child.......

>hugs<
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Old 11-23-2009, 10:18 AM   #10
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Hi Angela and welcome. Nothing to add to what the others have said so I won't try.
You are gonna be OK and yes, we "get" it. Very much so.
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Old 01-02-2010, 06:50 PM   #11
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

Hi Angela, I read your post and was amazed how much we have in common!!! It is so good to know that others are there for you and can appreciate your situation. I am 36 and carrying my first child. I like many other, I am sure had the prefect scenario in my mind about meeting Mr. Right but it never really happened. My baby is the product of a long term casual relationship and not planned at all. We had been friends for years. When I found I was pregnant, he went ballistic and wanted me to have an abortion. I haven't really spoken with him since then. I have tried but he continually lets me know that he didn't want any kids and that I did this knowing how he felt. You never really realize how selfish people are until it's too late. But alas, I find myself alone and pregnant. This is a situation, I never thought I would be in. It is perhaps the scariest thing of my life. I find that I am concerned how people on my job and in my church will react, although they really don't matter. I am so glad to have a listening ear. And Angela, We can get through this together. Thanks guys!!!
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:05 PM   #12
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Default Re: Terrified and could use a friend

I am sorry for what you are going through.. I am here if you ever need to talk. I had a wonderful soon on 12-31-09 and his father has called maybe 4 times and has not made any effort to see him. Always some lame excuse. I know this board has helped me out in my time of need. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here. I know how hard it is being the sole care taker of a child. let alone a infant.
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