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Old 04-11-2010, 08:44 PM   #1
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stubborn Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

*Sighs*

Soo, I wanted to take some time tonight and get this post in - as I am going back to the Dr's tomm and HOPEFULLY he will admit me. Prayerfully my water will break tonight or tomm while I am up there so that they have absolutely no choice but to admit me.

Today, while I was out...I was just thinking about different things you know...like things from childhood and of course you know...just really wondering if I can trust my G.Z. with certain family members.

I remember once in my childhood elementary age I stayed with people who didn't have any running water and so they had like this metal bucket pale type of thing where they'd put my bath water in, and heat it on a woodstove. Well this one day the lady had like urinated in my bathwater, and I was like...I can't bath in that, the water is dirty!!! And she's like yes you can, that water is perfectly fine, it's not going to hurt you it's good for your skin.

I don't want my son around people who would say or do that...you know.

Then like...you know how people do stupid ignorant things...and they say what goes around comes around...I'm so paranoid that the stupid things my mother has done to other ppls children and grandchildren is going to come back around and fall on my son. Let me be bluntly clear in stating it makes ME personally sick, which is why my mother and I have issues because she does STUPID ***T. If anyone did the things she did...I'd just straight flip out...I would lose it. I am not 100% comfortable with the fact of the thought or even the possibility of her being alone with my son. I know what I was exposed to as HER child, but I be damned if I will subject my son to her b's.

Some of my family thinks ____ like that is funny or cute...and I am opposite...so very much opposite. I don't find that type of stuff funny, cute, or acceptable. I don't trust my mother, point blank period. Yet I've been trying to idk, become okay with her eventually having alone time with G.Z. because it's her only grandchild...this was one of the many issues I was suppose to be working on in therapy during my pregnancy, but of course it never happend...my therapist just...idk..pointless.

See...i'm the type of person...I don't like to be touched. Don't touch me...that's always my first thing I say to people, family or not...Don't touch me.

My mom Knows I HATE when ppl touch me...I don't care who you are...if I haven't asked you to touch me or given you permission...don't because THEN we'll have a serious problem. Yet, my mom will pluck with my hair or simply find SOME reason to touch me (then of course she throws this line in my face "Oh well that's not what you said to Cassidy or Oh that's not what you say to men". I HATE that, I HATE when people violate my "being/person".

I can't help it....It makes me want to rip my skin off when people touch me without my permission. It makes me sick!!!

People that are friends of the family or whatever want to hug or touch my tummy, etc...then when I twist their arm or try to break their hand or snap at them....People want to act as if it's ME with the PROBLEM!!! I truly don't understand how I have a problem, and it's YOU who's VIOLATING ME!!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!! You don't have to hug me, shake my hand, ...NOTHING, you don't have to touch me in ANY way to address me, speak to me or talk to me....so why the ____ are you touching me???? I certainly am not touching you!!! I don't touch people!!

I did manage to speak with my therapist about this again on thursday...and what she said to me was "Nia - try NOT to pass your PHOBIA's onto G.Z."

My son touching me is different...I'm his mom. He's suppose to have a maternal bond with me...so that's different, you know.

I don't want ppl kissing my son. Like you know how everyone wants to kiss a baby, or how older people will pinch your cheeks and kiss you...Ummm...no. Don't touch my child, and don't touch me. I have no problem with letting people hold G.Z. but I don't want them like all up in his grill.

When I do give birth, and come home with G.Z. - I am not going to stay secluded, we are going to be out, we are going to be around people and will continue to do so for life. I just...truly have an issue when ppl don't respect personal space or you know, your "being/person".

Feel more than free to tell me if you think I am insane & Feel more than free to tell me if you think I need a little pill.

...I'm soo excited overall to be getting nearer and nearer to seeing my G.Z.

Like...I think maybe when he is here and I can physically see him etc, then I will be a bit more calm within myself.

Has anyone else experienced or known anyone else who...IDK, just...wants people to respect their personal space/body/being???

~Nia
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Old 04-11-2010, 09:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

Yeah, I know people who prefer not to be touched, hugged on, etc.
I will admit though, your aversion to it does seem a wee tad extreme. So does the story about the pee-pee bath water. WTH!!? You poor Dear. That kind of stuff will cause personal boundary issues. I had similar issues as a child...but with me it was a germ thing.
Nobody has a right to touch you without your permission, but it is human nature to reach out and make some degree of physical contact when feeling affection or empathy...it's gonna be hard to avoid, especially with family.
I hope that when GZ makes his grand entrance you will feel OK with people lavishing love on him. For the first 6 weeks you can tell people, in total honesty, that it is inadvisable to expose him to too much at once....but yeah, ultimately you don't want him to have as strong of a reaction to being touched as you do, because it will cause him unecessary discomfort.
BTW, have you always been like this? I went through a stage late in my pregnancy like that, but I was afraid of crowds and strangers...thought someone might do something to harm my child by doing something to harm me. IDK...but it was enough for me to back out on plans to take my sister and niece to a museum in NYC.
I hope your baby arrives soon and I know you are gonna be a great Mom!
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Old 04-11-2010, 09:31 PM   #3
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

I know two people who feel or have felt in the past as strongly as you do about touch. Both were sexually abused. I don't know if you were but I think something made you feel so strongly about it.

I think you need to find a different counselor, you seem frustrated with this one.

Also, maybe you need to come up with assertive and not aggressive ways to let people know you don't like to be touched. Often just looking away or stepping back, having folded arms, different body language can let them know. But for some reason people view a pregnant tummy as a license to touch, IDK why. Maybe just because babies are so wonderful people want to feel the miracle?

Any, good luck with your app't. Hope your little one arrives healthy, happy, and soon
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Old 04-11-2010, 10:19 PM   #4
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

Blue...yes, I have been this way that I recall since preschool...b/c of...stuff.

Don't get me wrong, there are a very select few people that I am okay with touching me in a sense of hugging me or whatever, however they ASK me first if they are unsure of my comfort level at that particular moment...they don't just like...force themselves on me or whatever you know.

I don't mind people holding him, Lavish love on G.Z, sure...just don't kiss him. In that same token I have no issue with that same select few people kissing him on the cheek/forehead once in awhile to shower love on him...otherwise...I just don't see why it's necessary for ppl to want to kiss him.

I want G.Z. to be a social person you know involved with other children and sports and all that life has to offer. I'm not going to seclude or hold him back from that.

While he's newborn and really young I just don't want ppl kissing him...I don't want anyone touching him inappropriately is what I mean...you know...and to me...kissing him is inappropriate action for ppl to do. Like...a few select family I don't mind as I said, because like I know they would never do anything inappropriate to him you know...but others...I simply don't trust nor will I trust.

I want him to know that it's not wrong for him to say NO or DON'T TOUCH ME when he feels someone is being inappropriate, even more so I want him to know that...I would never blame him or beat him in the event that someone did that...I'm his mom and I'd deal with the situation.

I want him to know that it's not okay for him to simply violate someone's personal space/being. No means no, don't touch me means don't touch me...you know...don't force yourself on people.

Of course I know this will all come with time...lessons learned and taught...just right now...I am just like...IDK...figuring out who I can trust with him other than simply myself.

~Nia

---------- Post added at 10:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:03 PM ----------

idig,

believe it or not, I have switched therapist many times. But they all wind up doing the same thing eventually.

Talking about themselves and their issues, instead of helping me with mine.

I wish body language simply did work!! Around here it doesn't, people think simply because they know your family that they can touch your or whatever...

For example - I went to Walmart the other day and I was walking in, it was my mom and I, and one of my cousins uncles and his wife from her Father's side of her family came out. And he walked up to us and he's like "Nia, don't you remember me!!! How you been" there was a good 6 foot steps between us, and I firmly say "no, I don't", and he's like "Oh C'mon, all this time you used to come over when you were little and you don't know me"...by this time i'm swinging my purse and my face is all distorted "No, I don't know you".

So he looks at my mom who gives him the forever story about me in regards to people "you have to excuse her, she's been away for so long, she don't remember anybody from around here".

So he looks at me and walks up to me and hugs me "I'm so happy to see you girl, look at you"....my first reaction was to kick him between the legs and punch him in his throat. However I twisted his wrist and snarled "Don't Touch Me".

Blah Blah Blah...and once again Nia has issues.

I'm not an aggressive person...unless someone violates me by touching me.

Now if I see someone like reaching out to touch me I'll say "Don't Touch Me"...and when they do...well, it's not my fault that I try to hurt them...they shouldn't have hurt/violated me by touching me.

If they don't touch me, great! I'm happy, they aren't being hurt and the world is still a good place from my perspective.

~Nia
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Old 04-11-2010, 11:28 PM   #5
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

Nia, I have "personal bubble" issues too........I haven't always had them, but developed them during my marriage. Few people were allowed in the bubble. I would want to seriously deck them too. I was not sexually abused, I just didn't like people touching me. At all. My mom, my dad, my best friend....okay....but NO ONE ELSE. I finally got to the place where I found by forcing myself to hug first, to set the rules, to firmly stick out my hand for a handshake, that people generally followed what I did. And I learned to get past it for the most part....unless you are a stranger, than forget it.

As for the baby touching thing....when my niece was first born, my sister did not want anyone touching her. I didn't either....unless they were family. They are so young and vulnerable. Anyone not in the circle couldn't touch or hold her. Kissing her, forget it! Family was okay........really close friends, passable....out of that circle, forget it......not okay.

As for leaving your child with your mom---------DON'T.........you are on notice that she is not OKAY. You were subjected to poor judgment and so on as a child. Believe me when I say that people don't change. She will do the same to your child. The best, and most protective thing you can do is keep her away. I promise.
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Old 04-12-2010, 07:38 AM   #6
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

Yup, I agree with lsl. I am also a bubble person and have had to explain it many times. When I was married I did not like anyone especially women hugging or grabbing on to me especially then just hanging on. Not sure how I wall react now.....

You need to never leave your baby with your mother. Sad, but better for the baby.
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:34 AM   #7
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

I agree with everyone. I only had the touching issue when I was prego and with my son. No one was allowed to kiss him or hold him if they where not family when he was a baby. Also if you do not trust someone with your child now dont think that will change. Good luck.
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Old 04-12-2010, 10:09 AM   #8
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

Funny, I was the one who growled at people wanting to kiss and hold my sons when they were little. Their mother was always passing them around, yuck.
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Old 04-12-2010, 10:43 AM   #9
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Default Re: Just My Thoughts (Dr's Appt Tomm)

I too get how it is about "touching" I love my personal space. I hated the fact that when i was pregnant, people thought that it was a free for all on my belly...nope, sorry.
Sorry you are going through this.

Also for people not touching or kissing the baby, have you thought of a carrier like a Moby or something similar? Good luck!!
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