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Old 05-11-2005, 06:44 AM   #1
jupiter
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Hi, I'm new here.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my 2nd.My son is 10y old.I left his father when i was 5 months pregnant, because he was cheating with my friend. He tried a few times coming back, but still - he was sleeping with us and dating her during the day . Also in this 10 years he saw his son 3 or 4 times only.
The father of this one left few moths ago. Since then, we haven't been in any contact. I live alone with my son, so some days are really hard for me. I feel alone, scared and somehow I can't stop feeling so much disapointed and sad . I still can't believe that it happened to me and my kids, TWICE actually. I think I'll never even look at any men anymore.
It is a little bit easier than the first time, because I always think if I did it once, I can do it again. But when I was 16 I didn't even think obout it, just did it. And I was always proud of myself that I did. I guess when we get older we start worying obout everything and now I find myself worying to much.
The problem is, that I can't stop thinking obout him. We were friends for a long time before this happened and I think I realy did love him more anyone ever. I never thought that it's gonna end this way. All of it ment so much to me and my feelings for him were very deep and strong. I knew before, that he is not the perfect guy, but I thought that things will eventualy get better.After all, he wanted a child. I could understand that he is a little bit confused, because this would be his first one. But nothing happened. He just left. Now I feel like I never did knew him at all. And I feel realy dissapointed and alone,like I haven't move frome the same spot since he left.I still cannot believe that he doesn't care. I find myself still jumping when the phone rings, hoping that he calls, still waiting for the sound of his car in front of the house. Sometimes I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and crying, just crying like crazy. I know that I should think obout myself now and my children, and some days I manage to occupie
myself with thousands of "things to do", but there are a lot of days when I feel so empty and sad and when the "thing" in my head just doestn't stop crying. Any adwice out there???When does it stop???
The other problem is, that in all those years being a single mother many times I did see my son, how much did he wished to know his father better, because he saw him only few times when he was a baby. And I was thinking that maybe I was to angry
and to young to deal with this. I feel sory,that I did't spent more energy on their relationship, that I did't at least try to speak with him, obout how much his son needs to know him. Now, when I'm pregnant again I don't want to make the same mistake again. I think that it is better to know your father, whatewer he is like, then not to know him at all. So I would be very happy if someone gives me some advice, what actually can I do? I thought sometimes, that all men have naturaly feelings for their kids, but now it seems like that's not realy true. I think I will be ok someday, maybe I just need time, but for the sake of the children, is it possible to help somehow "spoiled mama's boys" to become grown up men and feel like fathers at least few times a year?
Sory for my bad english.
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Old 05-11-2005, 06:44 AM   #2
jupiter
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Hi, I'm new here.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my 2nd.My son is 10y old.I left his father when i was 5 months pregnant, because he was cheating with my friend. He tried a few times coming back, but still - he was sleeping with us and dating her during the day . Also in this 10 years he saw his son 3 or 4 times only.
The father of this one left few moths ago. Since then, we haven't been in any contact. I live alone with my son, so some days are really hard for me. I feel alone, scared and somehow I can't stop feeling so much disapointed and sad . I still can't believe that it happened to me and my kids, TWICE actually. I think I'll never even look at any men anymore.
It is a little bit easier than the first time, because I always think if I did it once, I can do it again. But when I was 16 I didn't even think obout it, just did it. And I was always proud of myself that I did. I guess when we get older we start worying obout everything and now I find myself worying to much.
The problem is, that I can't stop thinking obout him. We were friends for a long time before this happened and I think I realy did love him more anyone ever. I never thought that it's gonna end this way. All of it ment so much to me and my feelings for him were very deep and strong. I knew before, that he is not the perfect guy, but I thought that things will eventualy get better.After all, he wanted a child. I could understand that he is a little bit confused, because this would be his first one. But nothing happened. He just left. Now I feel like I never did knew him at all. And I feel realy dissapointed and alone,like I haven't move frome the same spot since he left.I still cannot believe that he doesn't care. I find myself still jumping when the phone rings, hoping that he calls, still waiting for the sound of his car in front of the house. Sometimes I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and crying, just crying like crazy. I know that I should think obout myself now and my children, and some days I manage to occupie
myself with thousands of "things to do", but there are a lot of days when I feel so empty and sad and when the "thing" in my head just doestn't stop crying. Any adwice out there???When does it stop???
The other problem is, that in all those years being a single mother many times I did see my son, how much did he wished to know his father better, because he saw him only few times when he was a baby. And I was thinking that maybe I was to angry
and to young to deal with this. I feel sory,that I did't spent more energy on their relationship, that I did't at least try to speak with him, obout how much his son needs to know him. Now, when I'm pregnant again I don't want to make the same mistake again. I think that it is better to know your father, whatewer he is like, then not to know him at all. So I would be very happy if someone gives me some advice, what actually can I do? I thought sometimes, that all men have naturaly feelings for their kids, but now it seems like that's not realy true. I think I will be ok someday, maybe I just need time, but for the sake of the children, is it possible to help somehow "spoiled mama's boys" to become grown up men and feel like fathers at least few times a year?
Sory for my bad english.
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Old 05-11-2005, 01:10 PM   #3
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Jupiter,
You have the right idea. You know you will be ok, it may just take some time. All you can do is be open to the dad being involved in their child's life, but you cannot force them. Maybe he'll come around, maybe not. You just love your children and be mom and dad for them. You cannot plan and think about how you will do things, you just do it. How did you know how you would accomplish being a single parent at the age of 16? You just take it day by day. If you try to figure it all out ahead of time you will drive yourself crazy. There are many times you seem to do the impossible. When you are in the situation you do not always have time to "think" about it, you just do it. You have raised one child, he is now 10. You will be great with this one too. Do you have family/friends who are supportive? Are there any support groups for single moms/young families? Your ob provider might have some suggestions. Even having them set you up with social services, they may have some groups for you. Maybe finding other single moms and setting up a "play group." In the beginning it is more of a support for moms. You can get together, talk, have support, adult time, etc. Church is also a good place to find support. There are lots of options.
Mary
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Old 05-12-2005, 02:33 AM   #4
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Thanks, to both of you. I was realy glad when I found this site and cannot express with words how good it feels to know that there is someone who understands.
In our country we don't have any support for moms like us, there even is no site or forum, no clubs, nothing. A lot of times I was thinking to make a support site on the net at least myself.
Of course I have "single mom" friends, but they are much older, almoust all of them were divorced when the children grew up. They've never been in a situation like this.
The song is beatiful, I wrote it down on a piece of paper and stick on the fridge. I can tell you that I feel much more self-confident. At first I thought that no one is going to reply.
Yes, and realy it would be very stupid not to enjoy in every single beatiful moment of pregnancy, specialy because of a guy who doesn't care and who isn't able to love enough.
I think that all of us are aware of that, but sometimes we need to hear it from someone else also. Thanks again and stay in touch.
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Old 05-12-2005, 09:43 AM   #5
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I didn't even notice where you are from in your first post. Where are you in Europe--just curious? You said that there are no sites, clubs, forums or anything for single moms. You could possibly have a great opportunity ahead of you. I am not saying that anything has to be done right now, but....Could you get something started where you are? I am sure there are other mom's in your position even though most of those you know are older. Maybe going to doctors offices and asking if you can post a flyer. Invite single moms to get together for a support group. YOu could put a date/time/meeting place--kid friendly--park or something. This could be a way to meet others. There are other ideas too if you don't like that. You could be an advocate for single moms. Make this into something positive and get somehting going in your country. Just a thought
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:41 AM   #6
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It's a small country, one of the former Yugoslav republics. It's not so bad, but it aint ideal. It looks like the number of single mothers is rapidly growing, also the very small and still falling natality seems to be a big problem here. There was a research why women do not have more babies, and the result shows that the main reason are unstable, unreliable men, and the lack of feeling of some kind security. Men around here don't wash dishes! And I 've never heard for any ladies around here , who could enjoy being just a "housewife" like Americans.
Practicly everything depends on them. I am starting to wonder why do we even have men??? For fun???
Sorry, maybe I'm just mad.
I think that's the same reason we don't have any social options for single mothers here. All of them are totaly busy with surviving the month. But still, I think that there should be at least a site. Maybe..... I'll ask my friends how do they feel about that.
Also, this nation has never been so opened to other people like Americans, actually all over the Europe you will find very imposible to find something like Jerry Springer show. (for that I am very happy that I live here!!!) Folks here are not realy prepared to speak in public. Maybe that is also the reason we don't have things like this forum here. I guess a lot of them would make comments like:
" oh.....Americans....they are crazy "
But, I still think that is a good idea. Maybe reactions like this happen just because there stupid movies and Springer on TV all the time.
Anyway, I've always wondered, that Jerry show, is that all true?????
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Old 05-13-2005, 07:53 AM   #7
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P.S.
Even for those rare "animals rights fighters" you can hear comments like " This is so American...."
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Old 05-13-2005, 10:01 AM   #8
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I don't watch Jerry Springer--is he still on?

That stuff is not real. A number of years ago I worked with someone whose son was taking acting classes in college. He was asked to be on the show. Flown from Wisconsin to wherever the show is done, given a script and then paid. Yes some americans are crazy, but don't you find crazy people everywhere? I would say for the most part, most of us are ok ---- But then you see the news of horrible things going on lately and wonder what is wrong with people Ok, so that's a whole other problem.
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