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Old 02-09-2005, 04:30 PM   #1
scaredinNYC
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I'm 38 and have gotten pregnant -- of course, there's a hitch. The father, whom i've been seeing for over 5 yrs, is married to another woman. We talk every day, write, etc... I love him (really!). I haven't told him yet b/c I am so scared of what he's going to say. Naturally, I want him to leave his wife (and child). He will be devastated by the 'scandal' of fathering an out-of-wedlock child, so I believe (although, maybe I'm crazy) that he will find the strength to just get a divorce. Anyone been through anything like this? I would love to hear about real-life stories, not hear criticism... Thank you for understanding,
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Old 02-09-2005, 04:49 PM   #2
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I don't have a real-life story, but how about some real life perspective??? He is not going to leave his wife. If you have been seeing him for five years and he hasn't left yet, nothing is going to change that. You need to get yourself together and make a life for you and that child, and don't include him in your plans. If he will be horrified over the scandal, what will stop him from denying your story and cutting you out of his life? You have to be prepared to be alone with this kid, because he is showing every sign of not being there. You need to be strong, and remember that you don't need him to be there. If he won't leave his wife, then you need a backup plan. I'd work real hard on the backup plan, because his history with you only shows that he isn't willing to leave his wife, no matter how bad he claims it is with her. You can do this girl, forget about what he wants.
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Old 02-09-2005, 06:16 PM   #3
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Ofcoarse you put the "no criticism" clause in there because you know what we all are thinking... You are not only one of us, a single mother, but you are also one of the people that caused a lot of us to be here. And you know you are wrong. If he has not left his wife by now, a child outside of the marriage will not do it either.

Real life story: Man gets woman pregnant from his extra-marital affair, he finds out, never speaks to the woman again and does not claim the child. This is the story of my cousin's father, who she still does not know by the way.

I think we can all support you through your pregnancy. I know that I can't lie and say I support you in trying to break up a marriage or engaging in an affair to begin with. You are hurting a wife and a child who could easily anyone of us here.
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Old 02-09-2005, 06:44 PM   #4
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Does he have kids with his wife?
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Old 02-10-2005, 03:42 PM   #5
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Welcome to the site, scaredinNYC,
here's a real life story:
she meets him and lives with him, he leaves, he gets married to another woman, she meets him again, she gets pregnant (not by accident), then his wife gets pregnant 2 years later.
From day one he kept saying he does not love his wife, from day one the other woman knows that doesn't matter, he chose her, he married her. Now that they have a child, it matters even less that he doesn't love his wife. He loves his child and stays in his marriage.

This is my own story !

I never asked him to leave his child. OK, I'll admit I did hope a little, until I knew of his wife's baby. But now that they're a real family, I will not even take him back if he leaves his wife and child.
I don't believe in breaking up a family, even an unhappy family. It's not my call. They will stay together or not, but I will not be the cause of yet another child without a father.
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Old 02-10-2005, 04:07 PM   #6
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Leftover, she said that he has a child. I can't abide by the "no criticism" clause you threw in there, scaredinNYC, so I'll end this w/ "I wish you the best of luck."
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Old 02-10-2005, 05:20 PM   #7
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I feel bad for the 5yo. I hope we don't see his momma here, too.
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Old 02-11-2005, 05:18 AM   #8
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What a sad mess. I think you just have to tell him and what will happen will happen. He does not have a great track record though - he has been cheating on his wife for 5 years and has not done anything to either finish his relationship with her or you. What ever way this works out people are going to be hurt. The sooner you tell him then the sooner you can work out what you are going to do in the future for you and your child. Take care
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Old 02-11-2005, 12:46 PM   #9
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Thanks Seraphin. I appreciate your honesty and support. Of course, I have planned for what you write about. I know that's a real possibility, if not a probability. Do you think, though, it changes the analysis a little if he knows I will definitely bring a paternity suit? I mean, at that point, the 'cat will be out of the bag' and his wife will know. He will lose the suit and perhaps lose her anyway. Not to mention the fact that he will face incredible embarrassment. Might he not calculate that its better to get a divorce and avoid scandal than have to live with the scandal his whole life? (Divorce would result in his not ever having to admit he fathered a child out-of-wedlock). Curious about your thoughts on this, for a man who cares most of all about his OWN reputation.
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:00 PM   #10
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How will him getting a divorce, keep him from admitting he had a child out of wed lock. Since the Divorce would be taking place after the child was concieved?
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:10 PM   #11
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If he were going to get a divorce from his wife, he would have done this in the last 5 years that you have been seeing him. It isn't going to happen unless she divorces him. You knew he was married and you had an affair w/him anyway. He obviously didn't care much of his reputation or he wouldn't have been cheating on his wife and child he already had.
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:13 PM   #12
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Before you all condemn me too much, consider this: I was married when I met him. He wasn't. He broke up my marriage. So, i know what it's like to "be in your shoes" and have your marriage ruined by affair. I agree with you, Zealand, that I just have to tell him soon. I plan on doing just that. I'm sorry the other women are so bitter, but i planned to leave my marriage for him. It's just that he didn't. He ruined my life because, however naive I was, I thought he would leave. Instead, I got pregnant. So, as you say, Zealand, people will be hurt -- I am sorry for that. But if he loved his wife, he would never have put her in this situation. It's his fault it's turned out this way too -- not just mine. I think the women out there who are hurt by their husbands want to believe it's all the 'other women's fault.' Blame your husbands!
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:21 PM   #13
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No one is condemning you or blaming you solely. Our purpose here is to lend support and advice. I have gotten advice from people in here that has left me in tears, but in the long run I realized it was something I really needed to hear. He does shoulder half the blame. However, you saying that he broke up YOUR marriage is a little disconcerting. It was YOUR marriage and YOUR vows, not his that time. I'm not blaming either of you. I know that there is a baby in this now that doesn't deserve to have animosity one way or another. I just think you should realize that he hasn't left her yet, and most likely won't. I also was just trying to point out that he isn't going to run to you if you threaten him w/a paternity suit. That will probably make him run away.

Regardless, I never meant to make you feel attacked, and will no longer comment on this thread. It will probably get heated in here, but it won't be me. Again, I wish you lots of luck.
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:23 PM   #14
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Evestar: that is an excellent question. The answer is that there would be no paternity suit, so there would be no actual admission of fatherhood and no wife to explain the mess to. (With no divorce, there would be public embarrassment and the wife would know everything.) Divorce would avoid the public scandal because I wouldn't need to sue him if he agreed to take care of the child and be a father to it. Eventually, he could admit he was the father, if it went that way.
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:30 PM   #15
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thanks Ty's mom. Your points are well-taken and actually, I respect what you have to say, so don't feel you shouldn't write. The main thing here, though, is that you say 'he will just run from a suit.' The problem for him is that there IS no running. A suit will reveal everything and his wife may leave him when she learns of it. He may not want to take that risk, especially that she has threatened to leave him before. Obviously, at the point there is a suit, he could lose her, his own kid, me and mine! By contrast, a divorce would mean he loses her, his kid. But he may think at least he is sure to have me and the baby. But, regardless, he will never be able to hide it all once a suit is brought.
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:38 PM   #16
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I think you missed my point. When I said that he would run away, I didn't mean from the suit. He would run from you and what you are looking for w/him. Let me ask this, what is in it for you if he does get a divorce, and then decides that what he had w/you was a big mistake to him? What if he says that he will support the child, but doesn't want to get a divorce? Are you going to force the issue? I guess I just don't understand because I have never been in that position.
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:17 PM   #17
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Please forgive me but I'm confused and just want to understand this whole thing. If he gets a divorce, you are not going to make him admit hes the father? Thats the only way I can figure out that the wife would not find out. If they get a divorce and he takes responsiblity for this baby, everyone will know. Including the wife, since in court when they look at him paying child support they will look and see hes paying for 2 different kids. Plus when he has visitations with his 1st child, the 1st child would find out about the baby. Plus either way all his family will know. Whats the public embarrisment, this isn't something that gets printed in the paper, and this has happened before to other people.
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:38 PM   #18
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Anybody else amazed that there are two women that want this guy?
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:46 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by scaredinNYC:
[qb] Thanks Seraphin. I appreciate your honesty and support. Of course, I have planned for what you write about. I know that's a real possibility, if not a probability. Do you think, though, it changes the analysis a little if he knows I will definitely bring a paternity suit? I mean, at that point, the 'cat will be out of the bag' and his wife will know. He will lose the suit and perhaps lose her anyway. Not to mention the fact that he will face incredible embarrassment. Might he not calculate that its better to get a divorce and avoid scandal than have to live with the scandal his whole life? (Divorce would result in his not ever having to admit he fathered a child out-of-wedlock). Curious about your thoughts on this, for a man who cares most of all about his OWN reputation. [/qb]
My goodness!!!! do you have no concern for the family he already has? This is very manipulative and self-centered.
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:49 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally posted by BigBobby:
[qb] Anybody else amazed that there are two women that want this guy? [/qb]
BigBobby, technically one woman is stuck with him and the other would "go public" if she does not get what she wants and ruin his life like he did her's" Now, if that ain't love, I don't know what is!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:51 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ty's mom:
[qb] I think you missed my point. When I said that he would run away, I didn't mean from the suit. He would run from you and what you are looking for w/him. Let me ask this, what is in it for you if he does get a divorce, and then decides that what he had w/you was a big mistake to him? What if he says that he will support the child, but doesn't want to get a divorce? Are you going to force the issue? I guess I just don't understand because I have never been in that position. [/qb]
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:55 PM   #22
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i understand your point. But I'm not planning to threaten him: I'm planning to tell him the basic consequences of our actions (i.e., if he doesn't support the child, a suit will follow. Period.) I would be reckless if I didn't fight for the child's rights, wouldn't I?

Secondly, I'm not in this "for myself" so much as for the child. What's in it for the child if he gets a divorce (as opposed to just secretly supporting the child)? Everything. That's the only way the child will have his own father. Money is really only a partial solution. The more important part is having a dad around.

Thanks for continuing this dialogue with me -- I enjoy speaking with you.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:07 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally posted by scaredinNYC:
[qb] i understand your point. But I'm not planning to threaten him: I'm planning to tell him the basic consequences of our actions (i.e., if he doesn't support the child, a suit will follow. Period.) I would be reckless if I didn't fight for the child's rights, wouldn't I?

Secondly, I'm not in this "for myself" so much as for the child. What's in it for the child if he gets a divorce (as opposed to just secretly supporting the child)? Everything. That's the only way the child will have his own father. Money is really only a partial solution. The more important part is having a dad around.

Thanks for continuing this dialogue with me -- I enjoy speaking with you. [/qb]
Point proven: Still no thought of the other people involved. Survival of the fittest right ScaredinNYC? It's either them or me and my child right? I don;t think that a man that has the gall to have a fling for 5 years will be easily persuaded. I also think that this whole thing will back-fire on you.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:10 PM   #24
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Well, the public embarrassment (trust me) is huge if he fathers the child and stays with the wife. Divorce does not carry nearly the same embarrassment. My point about the wife not finding out is this: if he left her, I would accept him and not have to sue him. If he did that, the wife would not know until much later, as you point out, about my child. By then, he would have an established relationship. By contrast, if he stayed, she would find out and it could cost him his marriage -- and, of course, me and kid.

So, yes, she would find out even with divorce but when she did, he would have the security of a new relationship (which, as we know for many men, is very important).
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:14 PM   #25
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"No thought of other people?" Are you crazy? My only thought is for the child! What am I supposed to do - go on welfare? Is that what you think I should do? Absolutely not! That's what the law of paternity is for and the faster you realize it, the better off you will be.

And, thank you for minimizing this as a "5 year fling." It's not. If I had to guess, you were left by a man like this, right?
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:25 PM   #26
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I would very much like to hear about REAL stories, not just hear (some) people's rantings. It doesn't help me or anyone to debate the merits. So, if you have some real-life situation to share, please do. Thank you.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:29 PM   #27
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Let's please try not to attack one another. That is not the purpose of this board. This is a very heated subject and can get out of hand if we let it. Let's all try to take a step back and not let this get too heated, please. Since this is a subject that some need to be a part of, let's not let this get to the point that it has to be closed.

Thank you!
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:30 PM   #28
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I am not saying that he should have no responsibility for this child. What I am saying is that you are using this child to threaten him into leaving his wife. That is ugly and not showing that your only thought is for the child.

You defined it as a 5 year fling when you said you left your hubby for him and he got married to someone else. What is another word for an affair? Fling.

As for the man that "left" me..... if you really want to know what he "left" me for how about trying a jail cell. I would never have an affair.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:35 PM   #29
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Yes TM, you are very correct. I will take this time to say bye.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:35 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally posted by PITA:
[qb] I am not saying that he should have no responsibility for this child. What I am saying is that you are using this child to threaten him into leaving his wife. That is ugly and not showing that your only thought is for the child.

You defined it as a 5 year fling when you said you left your hubby for him and he got married to someone else. What is another word for an affair? Fling.

As for the man that "left" me..... if you really want to know what he "left" me for how about trying a jail cell. I would never have an affair. [/qb]
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:43 PM   #31
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Look, PITA: you aren't making sense. How do you want me to have him "take responsibility", as you say, but not tell him about a suit? How would he "take responsibility" - by sending cards and flowers? That's not going to do it. Child-rearing is extremely difficult and you need support and you need money. So, i don't need to "threaten" him, but I need to bring a suit (and of course tell him!)

You make it sound like I magically impregnated myself and now I want to torture him with MY own doing. In reality, we both brought this on ourselves. I have NO CHOICE but to protect the child. And that's HIS AND MY doing.

I'm sorry your man went to jail. I know you must be angry and scared. I'm not going to berate you and ask you why on earth you would get involved with a criminal, but I could. I just think you need support more than scolding. So, please back-off with your criticism. If you have something constructive to say, I'd be happy to hear it.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:50 PM   #32
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We all know how hard it is to raise a baby alone. We all do it every single day. I've been alone w/my son since the day after I conceived him and he will be 7 in 1 month. You need support, but it doesn't have to be from the father. This is what we are trying to say. Yes. He should be held responsible financially, but that has nothing to do w/him being there for you physically. I think the part that is disturbing most of the members, scaredinNYC, is the fact that you would ask him to leave his first child w/his wife in order to provide you the support that you need for this child. Does that make sense?
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:52 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally posted by scaredinNYC:
[qb] I'm 38 and have gotten pregnant -- of course, there's a hitch. The father, whom i've been seeing for over 5 yrs, is married to another woman. We talk every day, write, etc... I love him (really!). I haven't told him yet b/c I am so scared of what he's going to say. Naturally, I want him to leave his wife (and child). He will be devastated by the 'scandal' of fathering an out-of-wedlock child, so I believe (although, maybe I'm crazy) that he will find the strength to just get a divorce. Anyone been through anything like this? I would love to hear about real-life stories, not hear criticism... Thank you for understanding,
scared [/qb]
I very much hope to see this thread settle down.

My input? The scandal is already created period. If you need to file a paternity suit, then file it, it's not a bargaining chip to get him to leave his family. Even if somehow he left her he still has that family to support as well, and it's an impossibility that they will not know about you and your child. That is the facts of life.
Real stories? How about my marriage that ended, the final straw was me being cheated on. How about the 2 marriages I broke up, unhappy marriages yes, but still situations I got involved in that I shouldn't have. Thank goodness that I have grown from my younger years and now have more respect for other people, myself, and the sanctity of marriage.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:55 PM   #34
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Just for the record for anyone else who might read this:

Not scared and angry. man went to jail and has been out for 3 years...no relationship. He wasn't a criminal when I got pregnant.
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Old 02-11-2005, 03:56 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ty's mom:
[qb] We all know how hard it is to raise a baby alone. We all do it every single day. I've been alone w/my son since the day after I conceived him and he will be 7 in 1 month. You need support, but it doesn't have to be from the father. This is what we are trying to say. Yes. He should be held responsible financially, but that has nothing to do w/him being there for you physically. I think the part that is disturbing most of the members, scaredinNYC, is the fact that you would ask him to leave his first child w/his wife in order to provide you the support that you need for this child. Does that make sense? [/qb]
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:03 PM   #36
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Wow -- you must be very strong and/or have a good support group. I agree that support from the father is not required, but I also believe that it is better for the child and the mother - she can work and not have to rush home, risking losing her job, she can have some down-time now and again, etc. If i had ANY family nearby, it might be different. But I don't. I understand it is upsetting if he leaves his family. But I don't think I should have to sacrifice my life and child for the wife's life and child. Why should that automatically be the solution? I should just go away and cry by myself and watch my child cry...? I think i owe myself and my child more than that. Divorce is not the end of the world. She and her child can live through it, just like everyone else here has (me included).
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:18 PM   #37
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I don't know about how strong I am, but you do what you have to in order to survive. I've never personally been through a divorce, and can't imagine the pain that causes. I'm sure it isn't the end of the world. I understand that your first instinct is to give your child the world, but when that isn't possible, you make sacrifices. I don't know your age, but I was a few weeks shy of 19 when I got pregnant and 4 months shy of 20 when I had my son. His father and I broke things off a few days after I conceived. Turns out he had been seeing someone else. I am not upset about that as we weren't exclusive or anything, which I'm sure doesn't make me look good. He started dating the woman that is now his wife about 2 or 3 months after I got pregnant. They now have a baby. I would love for Ty's father to be active in his life, but that isn't what he wants. His other son gets all his time and attention. His father does pay child support, though. I have a strong support system because I created it. My parents and brothers live about 1 hour away. I have friends, some of them single moms too, that live close by and they help me if I need alone time every once in a while or help because I have to work late. You need to create a support system instead of thinking he should provide it to you since you're pregnant w/his child.
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:20 PM   #38
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I agree it's not a bargaining chip. It's just a "what I have to do".

Sorry about your marriage woes. It sounds like you dealt with quite a lot. Did you ever have the child issue as part of the affairs you had? I'd be very curious to hear a man's perspective on this. THanks.
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:25 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ty's mom:
[qb] I don't know about how strong I am, but you do what you have to in order to survive. I've never personally been through a divorce, and can't imagine the pain that causes. I'm sure it isn't the end of the world. I understand that your first instinct is to give your child the world, but when that isn't possible, you make sacrifices. I don't know your age, but I was a few weeks shy of 19 when I got pregnant and 4 months shy of 20 when I had my son. His father and I broke things off a few days after I conceived. Turns out he had been seeing someone else. I am not upset about that as we weren't exclusive or anything, which I'm sure doesn't make me look good. He started dating the woman that is now his wife about 2 or 3 months after I got pregnant. They now have a baby. I would love for Ty's father to be active in his life, but that isn't what he wants. His other son gets all his time and attention. His father does pay child support, though. I have a strong support system because I created it. My parents and brothers live about 1 hour away. I have friends, some of them single moms too, that live close by and they help me if I need alone time every once in a while or help because I have to work late. You need to create a support system instead of thinking he should provide it to you since you're pregnant w/his child. [/qb]
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:26 PM   #40
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ScaredinNYC - This is just what I feel may happen or worry that may happen. He will end up somehow divorced. He will pay child support to his current wife and he will pay child support to you for your child. Most likely neither one of you women will get enough child support money to live off of. Since child support is meant to help support the child no fully support the child and mother. You both will have to work, to support your children. This man can not in any way be forced to be an active part of either childs life. In the end, I see 2 children possbily losing out on having both parents.
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:29 PM   #41
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I think you sound incredibly strong, indeed. I would be devasted if I learned of the wife's existence (in your case, his future wife) while I was pregnant. I am lucky, in a way, because I've known about her and prepared myself mentally with her existence since day-one. I really have to say that I admire you a lot for handling the situation so well. I'm glad he pays child support: did he agree to it? What did the wife say? Was she upset? Did she ever confront you about it? CUrious, if you want to answer...
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:31 PM   #42
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I currently have full custody of my 12 yr old daughter from one of those relationships, just to note that's also the last time I was involved in anything of that sort. From my own marriage that was broken up, I have a 22 yr old daughter, I was naive as to family law issues, just last year was the first contact I've had with her in about 15 years. Losing touch like that with my daughter over the years created many personal issues for me, it was devastating, and had a big effect on how I dealt with other relationships.
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:31 PM   #43
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Quote:
Originally posted by Evestar:
[qb] ScaredinNYC - This is just what I feel may happen or worry that may happen. He will end up somehow divorced. He will pay child support to his current wife and he will pay child support to you for your child. Most likely neither one of you women will get enough child support money to live off of. Since child support is meant to help support the child no fully support the child and mother. You both will have to work, to support your children. This man can not in any way be forced to be an active part of either childs life. In the end, I see 2 children possbily losing out on having both parents. [/qb]
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:35 PM   #44
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That's an interesting analysis. You may, in fact, be right. Especially, if he decides to stay and hope I don't file for paternity and then, when I do, he loses his wife.

In the end, he makes quite a bit of money, so I'm not worried that ANYONE will go starving. It's just that, as you say, there's a real chance neither child will have the presence of a father. But, as you know, moms can do quite a bit on their own!
Thank you for commenting on this. I don't want to threaten him but I want him to realize I'm serious about the suit. Any suggestions? Thanks again.
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Old 02-11-2005, 04:38 PM   #45
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ScaredinNYC, he pays court ordered child support grudgingly. I wasn't devastated because I knew that I had a child that needed me. It didn't matter what he did w/his life. He knew the door was open for a relationship w/his child, not me, but always to his child. I have spoken to his wife, before they were even engaged. She was rude and ruthless, but I had his child first. I handled her the way I would anyone that would act that way. I was nice and polite and told her that I was always going to be the mother of his child. This situation is different than your's though. If he is willing to pay support, don't force the paternity issue or the issue of divorce. You will end up w/a bigger mess than you have now. It won't be worth it. He does need to pay support, but he doesn't legally have to support you emotionally.

I'm off here for the weekend, but hope this thread doesn't get over heated and shut down as a result. Please try to keep your heads about you everyone.
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