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Old 06-24-2004, 11:39 AM   #1
oceansun58
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hello to everyone. i am soon to be a single mom, Nov. 16th is my due date. my big question is about child support. the father and i live about 2 hours apart, but get along well and go back and forth about trying to work things out. he doesn't want to go through legal child support, but rather work it out on our own. he, at this point, wants to be heavily involved in the child's life, and so i don't know if i should push for legal support or just keep it between us. ????? he grew up with a father who paid support as a mutual agreement with his mom, so he knows it can work...my parents are still married and very much in love, so i have no experience. help!!!!!
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Old 06-24-2004, 11:39 AM   #2
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hello to everyone. i am soon to be a single mom, Nov. 16th is my due date. my big question is about child support. the father and i live about 2 hours apart, but get along well and go back and forth about trying to work things out. he doesn't want to go through legal child support, but rather work it out on our own. he, at this point, wants to be heavily involved in the child's life, and so i don't know if i should push for legal support or just keep it between us. ????? he grew up with a father who paid support as a mutual agreement with his mom, so he knows it can work...my parents are still married and very much in love, so i have no experience. help!!!!!
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Old 06-24-2004, 10:17 PM   #3
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I'm so happy for you that you have an amicable split. I was fortunate to have a good working relationship with the father of my two children. It makes everything so much easier.

My personal opinion, even if you keep it between the two of you, a written (or legeal) document of the specifics would be good, just in case, things "go bad".

Even with the best of intentions, there are constant changing circumstances which will affect the future. Are you willing to bet your child's future that he will always think the same as he does now and that there will be no other influences in his life?

When you have a good relationship with the father, every move you make can have a reaction, but you must look into to future for you and your child.

I hope I have helped. . .
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Old 06-25-2004, 05:14 AM   #4
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Hi,
Count on the worst. Always. Words to live by. He probably doesn't want to do this in court because his child support amount will be high. High, meaning higher than what he wants to pay! Once you agree off the record and go through a few years at this agreed upon amount...guess what? The judge will say "Its been working so far so we will go with that" You will be sunk. See right now you are getting along, BUT...As soon as you want to marry and some other man forms a relationship with your child, WATCH OUT!!! Now your ex will have competition and jealousy of what he may of had and didn't take. Then you have a hard time on your hands. Now, you can always work out visitation together, just put it in court papers. When it comes to money $$ Let the court do a review and let them decide what is the fair and just amount. After all it is his child why should he care? Make you wonder why? HMMMM

Some people don't want to fight for what their children deserve, just because they don't like to fight. When things go bad it becomes even harder to fight. Wouldn't you rather establish everything when things are calmer? He might not like it, but too bad. If you have questions....You have doubts. Don't agree to this. If you do, you'll be sorry. You will be the one who ultimately has to raise this baby. Just my opinion
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Old 06-25-2004, 11:45 AM   #5
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by zonarosa:
[qb]I'm so happy for you that you have an amicable split. I was fortunate to have a good working relationship with the father of my two children. It makes everything so much easier.

My personal opinion, even if you keep it between the two of you, a written (or legeal) document of the specifics would be good, just in case, things "go bad".

Even with the best of intentions, there are constant changing circumstances which will affect the future. Are you willing to bet your child's future that he will always think the same as he does now and that there will be no other influences in his life?

When you have a good relationship with the father, every move you make can have a reaction, but you must look into to future for you and your child.

I hope I have helped. . .[/qb] </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thank you for your reply. he has agreed to sign some papers that i can keep filed with me and if something happens or i don't like the arangements after time, i will file them with the court. it's so hard to know what is the right thing and what is the easy thing. am i compromising for my sake or is this really what is right for the baby. he is 22 and is still pretty immature so i am afraid that if i keep pushing this issue it will push him further away. but at them same time i am only 23, so come on. my baby needs a father and i don't want to do something to jepordize that but at the same time i just want to shake him and tell him to grow up. anyways thank you for you input, it always helps to hear other people's insights.
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Old 06-25-2004, 11:55 AM   #6
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by THINKER:
[qb]Hi,
Count on the worst. Always. Words to live by. He probably doesn't want to do this in court because his child support amount will be high. High, meaning higher than what he wants to pay! Once you agree off the record and go through a few years at this agreed upon amount...guess what? The judge will say "Its been working so far so we will go with that" You will be sunk. See right now you are getting along, BUT...As soon as you want to marry and some other man forms a relationship with your child, WATCH OUT!!! Now your ex will have competition and jealousy of what he may of had and didn't take. Then you have a hard time on your hands. Now, you can always work out visitation together, just put it in court papers. When it comes to money $$ Let the court do a review and let them decide what is the fair and just amount. After all it is his child why should he care? Make you wonder why? HMMMM

Some people don't want to fight for what their children deserve, just because they don't like to fight. When things go bad it becomes even harder to fight. Wouldn't you rather establish everything when things are calmer? He might not like it, but too bad. If you have questions....You have doubts. Don't agree to this. If you do, you'll be sorry. You will be the one who ultimately has to raise this baby. Just my opinion[/qb] </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

thank you for your reply. i do worry about when i meet somebody new. he has already told me that he didn't want another man raising his child, calling him dad. he has a younger brother who's father also left at a young age and wanted nothing to do with him so his mom went throught legal preceddings to recieve child support. in his eyes me asking for child support is a huge insult because i am comparing him to his brothers father. i told him i am just doing it for the baby, but he doesn't understand that and i don't know if he ever will. anyways, thanks again, and i'm sure everything will work out for the best. (my optimistic attitude). i have a very supportive family that is being amazing with everything going on and really helping out. love to all the family and friends. we couldn't do it without them.
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Old 06-26-2004, 02:59 AM   #7
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by oceansun58:
[qb]hello to everyone. i am soon to be a single mom, Nov. 16th is my due date. my big question is about child support. the father and i live about 2 hours apart, but get along well and go back and forth about trying to work things out. he doesn't want to go through legal child support, but rather work it out on our own. he, at this point, wants to be heavily involved in the child's life, and so i don't know if i should push for legal support or just keep it between us. ????? he grew up with a father who paid support as a mutual agreement with his mom, so he knows it can work...my parents are still married and very much in love, so i have no experience. help!!!!! [/qb] </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


Get a good lawyer (if you can afford it or if you can find one who will help out, or call the court and find out what you need to do to handle it yourself) and get things settled LEGALLY. Things may be good, even great now, but things can change and it's to your advantage (and your childs) to be covered and protected legally. If he decides to keep the child and you don't have a court order about custody, you could end up losing custody and ending up with nothing but visitation. If he truly cares about you and this child, he will have no problem getting things all worked out, put in writing and approved by a judge. If this is a problem for him, if he argues, refuses, etc., then you better be even more careful because he should not have a problem having it all done legally. Once you get that settled, then you can forget about it and move on with your life (with or without him) and you can enjoy your child and the fact that he/she will (hopefully)have a great relationship with his/her father. Bottom line, for your sake and the sake of your child, get it in writing and approved by a judge. In the long run, you won't regret it and, if you do it when the baby is young enough, it won't be an issue that your child will have to see you dealing with.
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Old 06-26-2004, 03:06 AM   #8
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by oceansun58:
[qb]

thank you for your reply. i do worry about when i meet somebody new. he has already told me that he didn't want another man raising his child, calling him dad. he has a younger brother who's father also left at a young age and wanted nothing to do with him so his mom went throught legal preceddings to recieve child support. in his eyes me asking for child support is a huge insult because i am comparing him to his brothers father. i told him i am just doing it for the baby, but he doesn't understand that and i don't know if he ever will. anyways, thanks again, and i'm sure everything will work out for the best. (my optimistic attitude). i have a very supportive family that is being amazing with everything going on and really helping out. love to all the family and friends. we couldn't do it without them. [/qb] </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Don't listen to his complaints about your comparing him to anyone. It's a childish attempt on his part to get you to do what he wants (not getting things done legally) instead of your doing what's best for you and the baby. Before you accept someting in writing to hold onto just incase you don't like something he does, you really should talk to a lawyer. Unless it's approved in advance by the court, you may have a problem. Right now, the two most important people in your life should be you and your baby. Get things done legally. If you don't, you could regret it in the future. I almost fell for the same thing with my ex but, thank God, I didn't. I went ahead with legal proceedings (including custody, visitation, and child support) when my daughter was only a couple of months old, even though my daughter's father didn't want me to. He tried every trick in the book from trying to make me feel guilty to getting downright mean but I went ahead and did it anyway. Now, three years later, I can honestly say it was one of the best things I've done. With everything settled, we were both able to move on and my daughter never saw what we went through in order to get everything settled. Do it legally and do it as soon after the baby is born as possible. Good luck!!!!!
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Old 07-01-2004, 02:31 AM   #9
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She is right... Don't let him tell you about what he thinks is an insult. You have to think about you and the baby. Too bad for him. He is immature and hasn't finished sowing his wild oats. Be careful.... When you meet someone else (and you will)It is going to be a battle. Jealousy comes knocking. Those papers he signs, make sure they don't expire. You should follow through with that. Please listen. Take care
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