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Old 04-09-2007, 01:44 AM   #1
pursuitofhappyness
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Hello, I am new to the site and in need of some good advice. I am about to be 30 this year and just found out I am pregnant. I am planning to make an appointment this week with the doctor to see if I can actually have the baby as I was told at 19 it would be highly unlikely I could carry one. All my adult life I had assumed I would not have kids, nor did I ever picture it. But now I may have the chance to have one. However now I don't even know if I should as I am not ready. I don't like to think about aborting the baby but this is a door that is sorta open due to my situation. Please do not judge and I am not here to discuss abortion issues, All I need is some good real advice. The father is my coworker, who I had dated very briefly but ended it when I found out he was dating another coworker (although we did have a open relationship, I just didn't expect him to do it so close to home) IN any case the father is just a kid, only 25 and I am not sure if I want to tell him. I know I need to - but that's a whole differnt story. In any case, I have only been at this job for a year and am finally getting my career started. I am in a partcular sales field that allows me to help people achieve their dreams (seriously) and absolutely love it. The only thing about the job is that I need to work at least 60+ hours a week to continuely be successful. I do not mind the hours but if I decided to keep the baby, then there is no doubt I would not be able to handle this job, which also has the potential to pay big in about another year at the rate I am going, at least over 100K. I worked soo hard to get this job and get where I am at this career. AND I ABSOLUTELY Love it. I have been through several jobs and careers and have not found one as fullfilling as this. And because of this I am so torn about having this baby. I know it sounds selfish, but it is how i feel and I don't know what to do as a part of me wants to keep it. Also if I keep the baby I will hardly survive financially and that scares me. Not to mention having to go through all the stuff alone as I have no idea how the father is going to react to this - I am not counting on him to be there. I do however expect my family to help out, but they can only do so much, plus they do live far away and I can't imagine myself moving from my favorite city of San francisco back to the small home town where I grew up. I really do not know what to do. Is it possible to work at job 60+ hours and have a baby? Please any advice is welcome. I appreciate all your feedback.
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Old 04-09-2007, 07:52 AM   #2
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Welcome to the site.

It sounds like you have already been doing some serious thinking and trying to think through your options.

I have never had to work 60 a week regularly and parent, but some have. I have worked a few jobs , been a single mom, run a house, volunteered etc. Is it easy? Heck no.

Would I change it no to that either.

For me being a mother became what I wanted.
I too had been told I would most likely never carry. Doctors can be wrong sometimes

This is such a hard issue to comment on.
Can it be done? Of course.
Can you have it all? I don't know?

In the beginning it may not be totally possible to run the long weeks, but if your carrier kicks off and you are making those huge dollars you will be able to afford some good regular help.

The only real definate is if you chose to abort then that is over.

I always think about my own end in this world. When my time comes will I regret not working more? I doubt it.
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Old 04-09-2007, 02:04 PM   #3
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I don't have any advice for you, but know that you are not alone. You and I are very similar, except I'm ten years older. I just posted a few days ago, and while I am still considering my options, some of the responses really made me think. So please read: http://singlefamilyvoices.com/eve/fo...1/m/8601059192 and know that others are going through it too and are just as torn and confused about what to do.
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Old 04-09-2007, 09:20 PM   #4
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I don't have any idea what you should do either.

But I can say that you are giving serious thought to the things you should be thinking about. I like the way you are going with your thoughts. You are recognizing that accepting this child will alter many things. You are questioning what would be best for you, and for the child.

To quote, if you keep asking question, You'll keep getting answers. The answers are inside yourself, and only you can find them.
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Old 04-10-2007, 03:53 PM   #5
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Hello and Welcome to SFV. I used to work for a free clinic and part of my job was giving women "the news" and talking to them about their options, so I've known more than a few women in your position. I can tell you this. No one can make this decision but you. You dont need to justify your decision to anyone but yourself.. I believe that women know internally when it is and is not the right time for them to have a baby. If you decide not to continue with this pregnancy, make sure you get some grief counceling. Even if you are certain you are doing the right thing, you may need help dealing with your choice. If you do decide to continue your pregnancy, welcome to single parenthood. The people around here are living proof that it can be done--and well. We are here to support you.
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Old 04-10-2007, 05:47 PM   #6
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Welcome to SFV!

Working 60 hours a week and being a single parent may depend on the type of support system you have. Do you have family and friends that may be willing to help you?
I have a full time job that doesn't require me to work that many hours but at times I do have to put in extra time, having my parents help out has been a great help. Also, is there a possibility that you can do any of the work from home? Depending on the company you work for, some are more family oriented and understand the pressures of having children and working. I understand the pressures of having a full time job and being a single parent, it definitely is not easy but I can tell you one thing your priorities concerning your job may change once the baby is born.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours to make. You should do what you think is right for you. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see the reason right away.
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Old 04-14-2007, 06:24 PM   #7
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we are here to support you!

I'm a single parent and sometime I may work about 60 hrs in a week, but it comes with the my position. I was dealing to make something out with my supervisor to take some of my work home with me to meet deadlines. I also have a good support network in some place and it helps also.
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:07 AM   #8
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Hi Pursuit of happiness,

I am a coach as well..I have dealt with the issues your going through time and time again with other women and teenagers. By the time you read this, most likely you would have made your decision. My advice to you is stop taking other people's advice it will obscure what you really feel in your heart. Whatever you chose know that it will only temporarily postpone your career but it will not come to a complete hault. Unfortunately I cannot give you advice to abort or not abort...it is a very serious decision that will impact the rest of your life no matter which way you chose to go. You have to pick what is best suited for you. Just have faith that whatever decision you make, it will be the "right" one for you. If you do abort, I am willing to do some grief counselling with you at no charge. IF you do keep the baby there are all kinds of help and resources available to you also.

The reason I would offer that to you at no charge is because there are alot of counsellors who are either pro-life or pro-choice and one must know the difference before selecting a counsellor. In group homes working with teenage girls, the group home made some major errors in getting help for them and some landed in counsellors offices that were pro-life and it marked them for life as the decision and process were already complete.

The question is what is in YOUR heart. What do your inner guides tell you. Remove the idea that your career will be jeopardized. It will not. You may temporarily put some things on hold but things will always move forward.
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Old 04-15-2007, 12:18 PM   #9
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I know how you feel. Before I found out I was pregnant, I really enjoyed my life. I was a social 22 yr old who lived the dating scene and enjoyed my job. Now I have to face the idea that I’m going to be a mom in 4 months. I had many similar questions. How can I do this? Do I WANT to do this? How can I afford this? Am I even going to be a good mom? Ultimately, no one can tell you what’s best for your life. The choice is yours. To be completely honest, I chose to have my baby b/c I thought the father was going to be there in our lives and we’d go off living, “happily ever after.” Well big surprise, that fell through. Regardless of WHY I made the choice I did, I’m becoming more comfortable with the future everyday. The pieces are falling together, and life is continuing to go on. I know it’s scary, but whatever you decide to do it will be okay in the end. Life is full of surprises, so, take a deep breath, and smile. SURPRISE
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Old 04-25-2007, 01:22 AM   #10
pursuitofhappyness
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I'm sorry I haven't been able to check this since I last posted, large part because of work. Id like to thank everyone for their advice, I really appreciate it. The past two weeks has been nothing but a emotional rollercoaster. I have been mulling this over and I think I am planning to keep the baby. I have never been so scared in my entire life than now. I have talked to the father and he seems to want nothing to do with it. Which I had anticipated that reaction. What I didn't anticipate was my family's reaction. They are all not agreeing with my decsion and have stated that they are not planning to support me if I go through with this. Which really freaks me out as I had in the back of my mind that they were sorta my safety net but they are not. My friends have said that they will help me out, But I couldn't ever see myself to ask for thier help as I know they have lives and families of their own. I know that I will be able to handle this emotionally, what scares me is how to handle this FINANCIALLY. I just recent finally got a hold of my finances, and just now starting to save to build a cash reserves, but its not much nor will it be enough to cover expenses of having a baby or loss of income after having a baby. And this is really freaking me out. I keep thinking will I have to go on welfare, will I have to move, will I have to take on a dead end job to make ends meet? I could be over anaylzing things as I tend to do that quite often... I don't how does a single mom with no support no savings, and mybe no income. My career has just started and it may be able to produce the income I need before I give birth but will it be enough, esp where I live? one of the most expensive cities in the US? Sorry to complain and sound like a wuss, but I guess I need to hear reassurance from others that its going to be okay, because they did it. Thanks again for your understanding and advice.
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Old 04-25-2007, 12:35 PM   #11
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Dearest Pursuit of Happiness,
Myself:I am in the same boat as you are, but further along in my pregnancy and life changes.
I was a house wife and was married for 10 years, I have been seperated for a year and a half.
If you do the math, it adds up to the father of my baby was just not "ready" and doesn't want to have anything to do with her or me.
But I informed him that he has financial obligations to help me support the little one, even if he doesn't want her. ( If you need help on this matter do not hesitate to contact me)
I already have two fab children and was at an amazing job that I had to quit.
-Concerning job:
Personaly I am presently on sick leave and financialy I'm depending on Employment Insurance due to some complications in my pregnancy.
By any chance, do you have some sort of the same coverage offered by your work?
You should look into it, if you haven't already done so. (Maternaty and Parental leave also, they are not the same thing and you may be able to qualify for both when planning ahead)
-Concerning moving:
If you are worried or have done the calculations and it does look like you will have to move, it would be best for your stress level to stay low and plan to move ahead of time.
Find a location that you feel comfortable with, in your soon to be price range.
And scope out the parks, schools, neibourhood and keep your eyes open for a potential new home.
Remember that it is best to accept that thing are going to change when you have a child and it's ok to be scared.
But if you plan for those changes you'll see that things will go more smoothly.
-Concerning family:
Take a deep breath and think about how you would deal with such news comming from another family member.
Remember that at this stage in your life you are the one who makes the final decisions because you have to live with your decisions and your family does not have to deal with them on a day to day basis.
Besides, your family might be in shock right now, which is normal...
I have found that most families come around to the reality of things when they are faced with a live bundle of joy.
-Concerning friends:
Please do not let pride get in your way when it comes to letting or accepting friends help.
I have found that I, personaly, am not super woman.
Even with years of experience at being a mother and knowing what to expect when I take this little person home...I'm going to need help.
Trust me, if someone offers you help accept it.
It doesn't make you a poor mother, it makes you an realistic person who understands that single parenting is a demanding but rewarding job and it will bring you closer to those who wish to help.
Your life will revolve around this little person until you can get a good routine settled in.
So in other words, quite some time and if you don't let your friends get involve, they will fade into the back ground and some might disapear altogether.
Now I'm not saying that you should let them take over your life or your parenting, just let them feel useful and follow your instincs.
I tell you this because when I brought my 1st little one home, I burnt myself out whthin a month and a half, trying to do everything all be myself.
Then I had to get help and counceling...all worth while.
If I had the choice, which I do, I would accept the help, which I will.

Please do not take this message as anything but what it is, I feel for you and I do know what you are going through...believe me, in the big picture of life we all live in...our children make everything worth while.
Try to remember this when life throws you a curve ball.
<span class="ev_code_RED">IF AT FIRST YOU DON"T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN!</span>
I hope that my post finds you well and in good health.
Cheers to you and yours!
CLaj
PS: If you would like more personal input on any, or all of these matters, please contact me.
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Old 04-25-2007, 03:58 PM   #12
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I am new to this site as well and am posting for the first time. I can relate to what you are going through. I have made this decision more than once. I have decided to terminate a pregnancy and I have decided to have a child. Neither decision was easy, and I don't think I can give advice on that. However, I can address some of your other concerns. I lost my job and my vehicle one week before I found out that I was pregnant. I had NO means of financial support and ended up relying on government assistance until I was able to find another job (making more than my previous job ). I am not saying that it was a favorable situation, but it happened and I survived. I purchased things second-hand, I used coupons, and I found a light at the end of the tunnel. I am now a single mother to a 9 month old boy. I am employed full time. I go to school part-time. I will not lie, it is not easy, but my son makes it all worthwhile. I have never known a motivator like him. As for family support...my sister and I had babies 5 weeks apart. Our mom had her doubts but was still supportive. Everyone else basically said you girls are on your own. That is until our sons were born. Like CLaj said, most of them came around soon after the babies' births. Mostly, I just wanted you to know that someone else survived this ordeal, happy with their decision. And whatever you decide will work out fine as long as YOU accept your decision.
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Old 11-28-2007, 11:07 PM   #13
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hey hun...you are so not alone because right at this very moment I am going through the same things...well almost..im 26 & just found out on sunday im orego. been with the father 2 years (claims he loves me) but basically said he wants nothing to do with another baby as he has 2 of his own already. im petrified..im between jobs and was planning to go back to school in the spring. my darling, all i can tell you is to pray...my best friend reiterated to me something i already knew and that is, God does not give you more than you can handle. My thoughts and prayers are with you...if you need someone to vent to, please feel free to email me..red.518@hotmail.com
God Bless...
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Old 11-29-2007, 02:40 AM   #14
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redfalcon518, for your safetly, please dont post email address on the forum.

by the way, welcome to the forum
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Old 01-02-2008, 07:19 PM   #15
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That's a difficult situation, having to choose between your dream and your child, especially when you've worked so hard at your career. I'd say that to be fair to your child, a 60+ hour week really isn't a great idea, but at the same time you shouldn't feel you have to necessarily sacrifice one for the other. You can have them both and make things work in your career. Believe me, my mother was a single mom who worked well above full time, went to college all throughout her adult life, and obtained a P.H.D even with seven children. I'm not saying that life's going to be easy, but you should really consider the options in your career. I'll bet you anything you can bring them to work around the needs of your child too. I wish you well and good luck.
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Old 01-07-2008, 10:54 AM   #16
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Its funny how many people have said this already, but its true, your situation is soo close to mine. Im 8weeks pregnant by a co-worker who now has a girlfriend. I came on here for advice, and boy do these people know what their talking about I'm 22, and on one hand i think about how much freedom i will lose, and how being a single parent will be the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. On the other hand i think about this little person that is growing inside of me, and how some woman cant even get pregnant; yet God has blessed with the best job ever, being a parent. I go back and forth everyday, and i mean everyday. I even went as far as picking out baby names, to looking up abortion clinics. I hope its nice and reasuring that other woman are going through what your going through, because it is for me. Dont feel like your the only woman to go through this, and know that when you finially deside it was the best decision for you, so dont look back. . . . . .
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