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Old 08-19-2004, 02:10 PM   #1
LADYRED
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Default HOW DO I HELP MY NEW FIANCE UNDERSTAND MY CHILD?

HEY, I'M NEW TO THIS SITE SO IJUST WANTED TO SEE IF COULD GET ANY ADVISE HERE.. WELL I GOT ENGAGED LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO AND ASM MUCH AS I LOVE MY FIANCE IT'S BEEN A REALLY TOUGH TIME TRYING TO GET A GOOD RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HIM AND MY SON TO WORK. MY SON HAS BEEN HAVING DIFFICULTIES LATELY BECAUSE OF REJECTION AND ABONDAONMANET ISSUES FROM HIS BIOLOGICAL FATHER. HIS FATHER AND I SEPARATED OVER 5 YEARS AGO, BUT HIS FATHER ALWAYS REMAINED IN CONTACT WITH HIM, HE USED TO CALL LIKE 3 TIMES A WEEK BUT OVER THE PAST 5 YEARS HIS CALLS TO MY SON BECAME FEWER AND FAR BETWEEN. NOW HIS FATHER HAS HAS NO CONTACT WITH AT ALL WITHIN THE PAST 3 MONTHS. MY SON'S BEHAVIOR HAS TOTALLY CHANGED, HE'S NOT HAPPY ALL THE TIME LIKE HE USED TO BE, HE'W VERY WITHDRAWN, EASILY FRUSTRATED AND ANGERED AND JUST OVERALL VERY EMOTIONAL. THIS IS VERY HARD FOR MY FIANCE TO DEAL WITH AND HE KEEPS SAYING HE DOESN'T WANT MY SON TO BE A PROBLEM FOR US. I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT MY SON IS GOING THROUGH BUT EVERYTIME MY SON GIVES HIM ATTITUDE OR WHATEVER IT JUST GETS HARDER AND HARDER....SO DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVISE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS???
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Old 08-20-2004, 10:47 AM   #2
froggy2004
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Welcome! I don't know how old your son is but has your fiance tried talking to him? Just the two of them? Maybe if he assured him that he was not going anywhere that would make your son feel better.

Hope this helps and good luck. Let me know how it goes.

Kira
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Old 08-20-2004, 11:08 PM   #3
scrapple
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HE KEEPS SAYING HE DOESN'T WANT MY SON TO BE A PROBLEM FOR US. I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT MY SON IS GOING THROUGH BUT EVERYTIME MY SON GIVES HIM ATTITUDE OR WHATEVER IT JUST GETS HARDER AND HARDER....

MAJOR alarm bells... doesn't want your son to be a problem? Guess what, ALL kids are a problem. And it sounds like yours is reacting just like any other kid would to a bad situation. Of COURSE he's giving him attitude, that's what kids do. Nobody wants problems, but every relationship has problems, even those without kids involved. You can't make your fiancee understand your son or situation. He will never, ever understand. But if he has a "we're in this together, what can I do to help make our family work" attitude, you have a chance. If he has a "your kid is a problem... your problem" attitude, you're in for some bad, bad times.
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Old 08-22-2004, 07:49 AM   #4
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Just FYI,

It's hard (and annoying) to read a post that is done in all caps. Thanks
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Old 08-23-2004, 04:47 PM   #5
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all kids are problem? my kid is not a problem ... oh wait - sometimes he is a royal pain in the rump *grin*

yah, that throws up some red flags- even tho i do not date much, i have lived happily by the rule of never dating a woman that is not a single mom. two things radically changed my life and perspective on life-

1.-the birth of my son
2.-my divorce

the normies 'non-single parents' usually don't "get it"
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Love all, trust a few, do harm to none.
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Old 09-16-2004, 01:01 AM   #6
Claudia
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First of all, how old is your son? It is totally normal for teens to go through enormous emotional spurs and changes.

At the same time, some of the statements of your fiance worry me, especially the one about your son not being a problem for you guys. Children don't act up because they are bad, they act up because something is dysfunctional in the family. It is very easy to blame the rebelling kid for it, but children are nothing but a reflection of their families and environments.

When my son (now 5) gets angry and starts acting up, I know that there's something within me I need to look at. Usually, I'm going through a stressfull time, or I'm angry without noticing it. When my son starts fits, I immediately start examining my own behavior. So far, my son and I have taken the "we talk about everything" approach, and it has worked well. When I overreact, I appologize, and we talk about ways to better deal with our emotions, and vice versa.

For your situation, I would highly recommed for you three to go to family couseling. No man is worth your son's unhappiness. Counseling will make sure that your son doesn't turn into a problem, and it will also make sure your fiance isn't the problem, either!

Good Luck!
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Old 09-21-2004, 10:22 PM   #7
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It sounds like you need more time. They need to get along before you even think about getting married. This is the rest of both of your lives and needs to start off on the right foot. Think hard and go with your gut!
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Old 10-11-2004, 07:52 PM   #8
Milani
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You need to give him more time, his happiness means more then your fiance's.. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but he will eventually cope with it. He is just trying to adjust.. so give him the time he needs and talk to your fiance if he loves you then he will allow his future son to have the time he needs.
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Old 10-24-2004, 06:00 AM   #9
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I AM HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM BUT MY DAUGHTERS FATHER SEES HER ALL THE TIME. I THINK MEN ARE EGO DRIVEN AND IT IS NOT HIS CHILD AND THEY THINK THAT THEY CAN BE THE BOSS ____ NO!
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Old 10-30-2004, 03:05 PM   #10
Jeff Oaster
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by alisalb:
[qb] I AM HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM BUT MY DAUGHTERS FATHER SEES HER ALL THE TIME. I THINK MEN ARE EGO DRIVEN AND IT IS NOT HIS CHILD AND THEY THINK THAT THEY CAN BE THE BOSS ____ NO! [/qb]
a little bit sexist there, no?

I get along very well with my girlfriend's 13 year old, and she gets along well with my two kids. My guess is that the Original Poster's fiance probably doesn't have much experience around kids, and doesn't quite know how to act.

My suggestions are to give him more time with your son. They need to find a common interest - a hobby, a band, TV Show,etc something that they can do together to try to form a bond. Also, don't have him try to force things - just act natural and be himself. And maybe he needs to understand that your child is part of the package: If he really loves you, he will need to love your son as well.

Just my $.02
- Jeff
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Old 11-19-2004, 09:35 PM   #11
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It seems to me that a person who "doesn't want your child to be a problem for the two of you" wants to be with you and not your child. A red flag? This is a whole red room, with red bedding and red walls.
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Old 05-18-2013, 09:18 PM   #12
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Default Re: HOW DO I HELP MY NEW FIANCE UNDERSTA

IF he can't think of you all as a family instead of just you and him and the child, it will make your son's life a living ____. I speak from experience, I am divorcing the man who once said that about my son. Please pay close attention to these signals for you son's sake. Jeff Oaster has an excellent point from another perspective.
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